Poll: Am I Controlling?

[DefunctTheory]

You're fifteen?

Do whatever the fuck you want, don't double guess your motives so much and whatever you do-don't throw your life away for this girl.

Goodluck OP.

He's 15?

Wow... I just wasted a lot of words in here...

Wait... no I haven't. You can almost drive a car for christ sakes. Relationship mechanics are not that damn hard to understand.

I disagree hugely with you.

Things are much harder to work out from within, especially if he's never been in a relationship before.

Your condescending tone almost sounds as though you're mad about something completely different. This forum is not some pillow for you to pathetically strike at.

Actually, I'm in a constant state of anger. It has very little to do with subject matters, the people I'm talking (Posting, etc) to, or where I am, I'm always angry.

Though, right now, I am a bit angry at myself for not age checking (Which I usually do in threads of this type), and angrier than usually now that I have to go to a mandatory party on MY weekend. If it made my post sound a bit angry, I apologize. Its a long standing problem with very little chance of ever being resolved.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

Sounds like you've got the same dependency issues I had to work through. Dude, trust me, nobody's worth this amount of work and effort. If you can't trust her (and you clearly don't, for the reasons @AccursedTheory so astutely pointed out), get the hell out of that relationship and find someone else. That, or you can ride that sinking ship of a relationship to the bottom of the ocean.

That said, I don't harbor anywhere near as much contempt for you as most people in this thread seem to have. I get it, you're emotionally invested in this girl to the point where being without her would hurt, so cutting her loose seems like cutting off your arm to remove a gangrenous finger... but infections spread, my friend, and this is a deadly one. Take it from someone who was in your near-exact situation: you're going to be exploited, your trust will be abused, and she will have absolutely no problems with justifying her actions to herself and everyone she knows. You're not going to "save" her from whatever made-up impulses she uses to deflect accountability for her selfish actions, nor will she change her ways because you showed her kindness and understanding. The threat of losing you is inconsequential to someone who clearly has many other places to immediately turn to, so attempting to coerce her into a healthy relationship will never work (and that's before you take into account that "coercion" and "healthy relationship" should never be in the same sentence).

You may be thinking that I'm talking out of my ass because I don't know every minor detail about your relationship and that your relationship is special and defies classification... but you're likely just confused as all hell. My advice is to cut her loose before she gets tired of toying with you and intentionally hurts you in a big way, but if you're unable or unwilling to make that decision, no worries: I guarantee it'll be a learning experience. Best case scenario is that I'm wrong and you'll have a strained, tedious, and generally joyless relationship.

 

[Dango]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

 

[Monkfish Acc.]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

Oh, no shit!
Except that's not what you are saying. That doesn't even need to be said, it's a fucking given.
You are saying "if you see this person, I am leaving you".

Now, I am going to guess your irrational "BUT I KNOW I AM RIGHT INTERNET" handwave for this bullshit is because you know the two have a history of doing the horizontal monkey shuffle at the drop of a hat.
Why are you bloody with her, then? You don't trust her and, if it is as you say, you shouldn't have to. Leaving her is the pragmatic choice, here.

Of course, the idealist choice would be to try to shape up and not be a jealous control freak all the dang time, but the idealist choice is usually the stupid one of blind faith.
Go for that one if you like, though. I have no illusions that I have control over you. Or anyone.

 

[Mr. Google]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

Hmm uhm what do you mean by person uhm shes idk ill just try and say as much as i can and you pick out what helps. Shes outgoing (hyper) never shy to talk to new people, can never officially hate some one and goes crazy if someone hates her (cares way too much about what others think) I do trust her. I had 100% trust in her before she did that and now she just has to gain it back which she already has since she told me like 3 weeks ago what she did. she literally was balling when she told me and i could barely understand what she said so idk how to classify that but yeah. uhm if you want to know anything else just ask cause again im not too sure what you are looking for

 

[Mr. Google]

sorry double post

 

[Dango]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

Hmm uhm what do you mean by person uhm shes idk ill just try and say as much as i can and you pick out what helps. Shes outgoing (hyper) never shy to talk to new people, can never officially hate some one and goes crazy if someone hates her (cares way too much about what others think) I do trust her. I had 100% trust in her before she did that and now she just has to gain it back which she already has since she told me like 3 weeks ago what she did. she literally was balling when she told me and i could barely understand what she said so idk how to classify that but yeah. uhm if you want to know anything else just ask cause again im not too sure what you are looking for

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

 

[SpecklePattern]

*snip*

Hmmm.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard. She should want to be with you, you shouldn't have to fight and create rules and boundaries regarding another guy. I understand how you want to keep them apart, but really, you shouldn't have to be doing that in the first place. If she really loved you this ex-boyfriend of hers wouldn't even be in the picture like he is, and she wouldn't have cheated.

She isn't ready to move on, its that simple.

She still has feeling for this guy and wants to be with him. Even though you've made rules, I am willing to bet that when you aren't around she's still contacting him and maybe even physically contacting him as well. She did it before, she'll continue to do so.

So, you like her, maybe even love her. Is it fair to YOU to give your heart to someone who's heart is dedicated to someone else? Is this the way you want this relationship to play out?

I really can't put my thoughts better than Easy Street puts it. I fully agree with him.

She should want to be with you, you shouldn't have to fight and create rules and boundaries regarding another guy.

That is why I think you should break up with her. I am not saying it is easy, but it really seems that she is not ready to move on.

I actually had this kind of affair going on and I said to that girl something like "I think this is not working, as you are too attached to past. Relationship should be focused to live together with someone, not to spread the uncertain emotions from previous relationships to the new parther. I really like you and if you are some day ready to move on to new relationship and handled your past, please give me a call. Untill then our thing is over." And when we got our own stuff from each other's flats, she said something like "I guess I was living in the past. But I had really fun with you." Which broke my heart because I had to say that "Now see? The thing I wanted to hear that you would have wanted to be with me, not that you had just fun."

 

[Mr. Google]

*looks at title* Yeah, probably.

*reads* Yeah, just about.
Doesn't seem like you're really "in control", though. Which I imagine bugs the shit out of you.

Listen. You don't really trust her at all, do you? If that's so, why are you even with her?
Relationships are all about trust. That's why they suck so much when they turn sour. If you don't trust her, it's not really a relationship. It's regular (or not) sex where at least one party assumes they own the other.

And this "chioce" you are giving her? It boils down to "do as I say or I am leaving".
I want you to explain to me how this isn't controlling. Go on. Have a go. I fucking dare you.

Im saying that if she wants to stay with me than she cant cheat on me. thats just a relationship not being controlling

So spending time with people other than you that she no longer has feelings for it's cheating? Now you're starting to sound paranoid.

Not with anyone and i mean if shes hanging out with her ex boyfriend every weekend than i know something is going wrong at that point i would break up w/ her i dont care if she hangs out with any other guy

OK, well that sounds fine, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with her hanging out with her ex-boyfriend every once and a while. And also, I just thought that you might want to tell us what kind of person she is, that might help us understand why you don't trust her... or make us yell at you even more, wither way you still should.

Hmm uhm what do you mean by person uhm shes idk ill just try and say as much as i can and you pick out what helps. Shes outgoing (hyper) never shy to talk to new people, can never officially hate some one and goes crazy if someone hates her (cares way too much about what others think) I do trust her. I had 100% trust in her before she did that and now she just has to gain it back which she already has since she told me like 3 weeks ago what she did. she literally was balling when she told me and i could barely understand what she said so idk how to classify that but yeah. uhm if you want to know anything else just ask cause again im not too sure what you are looking for

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha

 

[Imp Poster]

So how long have you guys been going out? Doesn't seem that long. I want to make some points to think about.
1) I hope you know this predicament you are in is not a making of a good relationship. No matter if it is controlling or not, ultimatums are just too much work and probably don't work to the best. You may say your relationship is good right now, but what about when it gets bad. You guys argue/fight? You want to play "detective" all the time when you feel insecure about the relationship?
2) Why are you listening to her friends? They are their for her, not you. Of coarse, they are going to make you feel comfortable/good of staying with her, that's her friends.
3) To make it clear, you don't trust her with him. It takes two people to get together. I would assume you only have a relationship with her and not him. So when they are together, it is the trust you have with her not him.
4) This is the hardest part in which you are going to have to listen to your gut. I could understand giving her another CHANCE not a choice. She did cheat early in your relationship and maybe deemed it as a mistake. The ex was her first love and maybe find it difficult to let go herself. Yes, we don't know what you are really dealing with as a whole, so we aren't the best source of advice here. Don't you have friends that you can talk to about this?

 

[Cain_Zeros]

Yes, you are being a little controlling. You never said outright that you forbid or from seeing him, but saying "I'll break up with you if you see him" is the exact same thing. If you said "I forbid you" she could, in theory, still do so, probably to much the same result. How you word it doesn't change the intent behind it.

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

Jesus...how do you have such a complicated time at 15 years old? Go have some fun, leave the drama for later in life.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

At first I saw that you were telling her not to see him giving her the choice to be with you or him, which gave me the idea that you were controlling... then I seen she cheated so you're totally cool by me. I'd have dumped her or at least left it to the flip of a coin.

 

[Gudrests]

I understand your point....but to be honest this probally wont last very long..she cheated on you once already...im sorry bro sometimes it really sucks

 

[Mr. Google]

So how long have you guys been going out? Doesn't seem that long. I want to make some points to think about.
1) I hope you know this predicament you are in is not a making of a good relationship. No matter if it is controlling or not, ultimatums are just too much work and probably don't work to the best. You may say your relationship is good right now, but what about when it gets bad. You guys argue/fight? You want to play "detective" all the time when you feel insecure about the relationship?
2) Why are you listening to her friends? They are their for her, not you. Of coarse, they are going to make you feel comfortable/good of staying with her, that's her friends.
3) To make it clear, you don't trust her with him. It takes two people to get together. I would assume you only have a relationship with her and not him. So when they are together, it is the trust you have with her not him.
4) This is the hardest part in which you are going to have to listen to your gut. I could understand giving her another CHANCE not a choice. She did cheat early in your relationship and maybe deemed it as a mistake. The ex was her first love and maybe find it difficult to let go herself. Yes, we don't know what you are really dealing with as a whole, so we aren't the best source of advice here. Don't you have friends that you can talk to about this?

2 months
1. im telling her no more ultimatum just a chance to not mess up again she do what ever she wants. We barley ever argue never anything big. Neither of us play detective. She offered to me the choice of seeing all the txts that she sends and recieves on her phone at the end of the day so i know nothing is up and i was like definitely not needed thats fine i trust you
2. Im not listening to her friend im just wondering what other people think and if shes right
3. You're right ive never met the guy and hes tried to break me and her up a matter of like 5 times now only 1 being succesful because me and her werent actually going out but we were going to if that makes sense and he like arg he got into her facebook because he knew her password and pretended to be her which was super douchey and he tried doing that another 3 times to each i totally ignored because she didnt even have a computer it was broken.
4. refer to answer #2
Yeah i dont want to tell my friends about everything that we do and i sorta wanted an overall outside party unbiased you know

 

[Mr. Google]

Jesus...how do you have such a complicated time at 15 years old? Go have some fun, leave the drama for later in life.

I have asked myself that same question haha and once we can put this all behind us thatll be my main goal in life dont worry haha

 

[spartan1077]

You shouldn't control what she does.

 

[garfoldsomeoneelse]

Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart ) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...

Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha

OP, I get the feeling you're just looking for someone to validate the decision you've already made, rather than seeking actual advice. I don't advocate listening to any one person over another, but you seem awfully quick to consider the situation resolved as soon as someone confidently tells you what you want to hear. I advise giving serious thought to every post in this thread, rather than fishing out the people who are willing to validate your hopes and considering them infallible because what they're saying feels right.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just speaking from experience: a long time ago, I was in a poisonous relationship, and almost everybody I talked to said that I was in trouble; sadly, I only listened to the minority of idealists who told me that everything was going to be fine, because that's all I was comfortable believing. I wanted to think that my "wonderful" relationship was going to last forever and ever, and that everyone who said otherwise was just bitter, jealous, ignorant to the circumstances, or just an asshole, but everybody that told me to watch my ass turned out to be right. I even ended up personally apologizing to certain people for being aggressively defensive about my situation.

So, just... keep an open mind, OP. I'd hate to see anybody go down the same road that I did.

 

[Woodsey]

You have "forbidden" her?

You should tell her you rather she didn't see him if avoidable, not forbid it. The fact that you use that word makes you sound like a bit of a psycho.

I didnt use that word i know that it looks like i did because...well in the post i used the word forbid but as u can see as how i edited it i never actually said forbid i gave her a choice. I never even said the word forbid to her

What choice?

"Never see him or I'll leave you." Very mature.

What the hell am i supposed to say? go ahead see him and ill just be here confused and sad? She doesnt even want to see him shed rather be with me. She made a mistake she makes a lot of mistakes we all do

In which case you shouldn't need to provide said choice to begin with.