Poll: Am I Controlling?

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V TheSystem V

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Sep 11, 2009
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If she did that 12 days into your relationship it wasn't as if you had gone really far, would have been easier to have dumped her then, sorry for being so blunt. But if I were in your position I would have done the same as you have done, because I can't let something go which I care about.

One of my friends kinda had this problem, but it wasn't with her boyfriend threatening to break up with her, it was just his attitude towards male friends and her exes. She didn't talk to any of her exes any more, except for one who she talked to briefly and, for the first 2 weeks of her first relationship, said to one of her friends he thought he might like her again. He had hurt her a lot in the past, thank God she thought it was hilarious and sad.

Anyway, her boyfriend was jealous of me, as me and her were really close. She used to come over my house or I go over her's after college (I am the year above her, and this is the British education system), and we wouldn't even do anything that would make people suspicious; all we did was play Halo, watch films or just go on mine or her laptop and stuff. The first time I saw her after they started going out, I was over her house and he said that he wanted to talk to her on MSN while I was there. I was helping her revise for her Chemistry tests, but I understood him wanting to talk to her and stuff because they had only been going out a couple of days. A month later, however, she came over, but the day before she had told her boyfriend about this he said that he wanted us to be on webcam while she was over my house. I said OK, and so we had our webcam on at my house. He looked very moody, and she even commented on this. After this happened, I rarely saw her. Saw her at Christmas and me, her and some others went to the cinema from time to time, but she always had plans whenever I asked to meet up at other times. I didn't see her for two months at one point, and when you go from seeing each other every week to not seeing each other for two months, you know something's up. After their break up, I asked her if he was responsible for her absence from my social life, and she said 'Well, we didn't see each other for two months, did we?'

Sorry it's a long post, but you have to understand how someone who doesn't even have an interest in someone can feel if someone is jealous of them, and prevents them from seeing one of their mates. Think about how her ex might feel, but then again, if he is a douche and has tried it on with her, then you are right with being annoyed with her seeing him. If, however, it is unpreventable, like if they are in the same school or something, you'll just have to live with it. You can't control her whole life.
 

Lucifron

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Dec 21, 2009
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Mr. Google said:
I don't think that you are at all controlling, but you shouldn't trust with anything personal. At all. She seems like the kind of person that would tell all of her girlfriends how you liked to get tickled in the ass while she gave you head within a week after the breakup.

Also, don't marry her.
 

Lucifron

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Zeeky_Santos said:
Mr. Google said:
(not forbid read the edit #2)
An ultimatum is just as bad dude.
'Don't perform your action or my consequence will follow.'
Not really, it depends on the ultimatum. In his case, it's a test of her trust. If she can't keep her hands off of her ex, he will dump her. That's not bad, it's natural. It's the standing, often unspoken, ultimatum in most relationships.
 

Mr. Google

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Jan 31, 2010
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SODAssault said:
Mr. Google said:
Dango said:
Awwwww, she sounds sweet...

Anyways! She sounds like a pretty trustworthy person, and the fact that she was crying her eyes out when she told you makes it seem like she really regrets it and wouldn't do something like that again, and to be honest it makes you look a bit more controlling. Even though I'm the same age as you (and our birthdays are three days apart :D) and I understand why you'd be so worried, I'm starting to sympathize with her a lot than I am with you.

Also, it's spelled "bawling", when you say "balling" all I can do is imagine a girl playing basketball...
Yeah when i posted it a second time i spelled it bawling cause i realized that balling is wrong lol. and yeah right now she has her phone taken away cause she was in a fight with her mom and blah blah blah unimportant stuff, yeah either way when she gets it back ill tell her that i trust her and i forgive her and you know the usual stuff hahaha
OP, I get the feeling you're just looking for someone to validate the decision you've already made, rather than seeking actual advice. I don't advocate listening to any one person over another, but you seem awfully quick to consider the situation resolved as soon as someone confidently tells you what you want to hear. I advise giving serious thought to every post in this thread, rather than fishing out the people who are willing to validate your hopes and considering them infallible because what they're saying feels right.

I'm not trying to be a dick, I'm just speaking from experience: a long time ago, I was in a poisonous relationship, and almost everybody I talked to said that I was in trouble; sadly, I only listened to the minority of idealists who told me that everything was going to be fine, because that's all I was comfortable believing. I wanted to think that my "wonderful" relationship was going to last forever and ever, and that everyone who said otherwise was just bitter, jealous, ignorant to the circumstances, or just an asshole, but everybody that told me to watch my ass turned out to be right. I even ended up personally apologizing to certain people for being aggressively defensive about my situation.

So, just... keep an open mind, OP. I'd hate to see anybody go down the same road that I did.
I totally get what you are saying and i understand what a lot of people are trying to tell me. At this point im trying to look at it at as many angles as possible and i really am trying to open my mind up to it and i dont see a reason to break up with her at this point or her break up with me. If it does turn south and i notice something go wrong like you are talking about i will definitely try and remember this and take it into consideration but yeah i am siding with what i want to hear because its what i believe and im 15. in my mind everything should go my way :p so yeah im biased towards myself and ive considered reasons to break up with her and i really can only think of the fact that she cheated on me once but quickly realized her mistake and then personally told me. Not even through a txt or anything but face to face because she understood that what she did was wrong and was hoping like hell i didnt leave her for it. I told her a few minutes ago that i wont control what she does and she can see him and talk to him if she wants and she said that she doesnt want to just because that would risk our relationship and our new relationship is way more important than her old one with a guy who was a total dick head. but again i say if i notice that its starting to go bad and a lot of people are telling me to just end it i will try and reweigh my options and reasons. Thanks for the concern
 

Mr. Google

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Mortagog said:
Mr. Google said:
I don't think that you are at all controlling, but you shouldn't trust with anything personal. At all. She seems like the kind of person that would tell all of her girlfriends how you liked to get tickled in the ass while she gave you head within a week after the breakup.

Also, don't marry her.
lol i like your example past experience? no im kidding dont worry. and she really isnt we've done a lot of things that she still doesnt tell anyone including her "biffy" (best friend my god do i hate when she says biffy though) and dude im 15 im not really considering marrying her yet. Either way i trust with everything personal because she trust me with he personal things
 

laol1999

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Apr 15, 2010
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i think you need to be more specific than "if you ever see him again i will break up with you"
if they say hi when passing on the street its not a big deal
if by "see him again" you mean she cheats on you then deffinatly
 

Daniel Laeben-Rosen

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Jun 9, 2010
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Look, if you don't feel you can trust her, just break up with her. You're obviously young, so I'll give you a free tip from the elderly: trust is key in a relationship.
 

Imp Poster

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Sep 16, 2010
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Mr. Google said:
Impposter said:
So how long have you guys been going out? Doesn't seem that long. I want to make some points to think about.
1) I hope you know this predicament you are in is not a making of a good relationship. No matter if it is controlling or not, ultimatums are just too much work and probably don't work to the best. You may say your relationship is good right now, but what about when it gets bad. You guys argue/fight? You want to play "detective" all the time when you feel insecure about the relationship?
2) Why are you listening to her friends? They are their for her, not you. Of coarse, they are going to make you feel comfortable/good of staying with her, that's her friends.
3) To make it clear, you don't trust her with him. It takes two people to get together. I would assume you only have a relationship with her and not him. So when they are together, it is the trust you have with her not him.
4) This is the hardest part in which you are going to have to listen to your gut. I could understand giving her another CHANCE not a choice. She did cheat early in your relationship and maybe deemed it as a mistake. The ex was her first love and maybe find it difficult to let go herself. Yes, we don't know what you are really dealing with as a whole, so we aren't the best source of advice here. Don't you have friends that you can talk to about this?
2 months
1. im telling her no more ultimatum just a chance to not mess up again she do what ever she wants. We barley ever argue never anything big. Neither of us play detective. She offered to me the choice of seeing all the txts that she sends and recieves on her phone at the end of the day so i know nothing is up and i was like definitely not needed thats fine i trust you
2. Im not listening to her friend im just wondering what other people think and if shes right
3. You're right ive never met the guy and hes tried to break me and her up a matter of like 5 times now only 1 being succesful because me and her werent actually going out but we were going to if that makes sense and he like arg he got into her facebook because he knew her password and pretended to be her which was super douchey and he tried doing that another 3 times to each i totally ignored because she didnt even have a computer it was broken.
4. refer to answer #2
Yeah i dont want to tell my friends about everything that we do and i sorta wanted an overall outside party unbiased you know
Just know that she knows she isn't going to be making "mistakes" if any on text, but who knows what happens when they see each other in person. Text messaging has nothing to do with that. If you don't feel the need to investigate it any further then you may not need to be a dectective which is good.
This issue of controlling. I could see why it could look to be controlling but look at it in terms of a relationship. If two people have feelings for each other, agree to have a monogamous relationship, you should be "bound" to that. Now, if one cheats then how can you not want to put them back in bounds of the relationship assuming you want to give them another chance? Everyone does that given another chance don't they? you cheat again or see that person again, I am leaving. I don't see again wrong with that. Let's say this was not about cheating and it was alcoholism, would you want that person to be around alcohol?
 

Mcupobob

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Jun 29, 2009
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I didn't pick any of the options, because they didn't really make sense. Wheres the "It is controlling and she will do it again." option? Anyways you're 15 so it really shouldn't matter in a few years you prolly won't even see this people again.

In fact screw that option up there put up a "You shouldn't even be wasting your energy with this." It's going to end in three ways

1. Baby momma drama
2. Vindictive he said she said bullshit
3. Awkward yet resentful friendship

Sadly thats the inner workings of highschool move on while you still can and find someone more mature. Someone you don't need to set rules with, someone you can generally trust and doesn't have extra baggage around thats just waiting to explode into a big mess that will drag you down for a good time.

Thats my two cents.
 

MiracleOfSound

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Jan 3, 2009
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Your reaction is perfectly reasonable.

Perosnally I'd have dumped her on the spot if she cheated after 12 days.
 

Stryc9

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Nov 12, 2008
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I'm sorry but that's not being controlling. Controlling would be forbidding her from talking to any guy other than you and then slowly cutting her off from the rest of her friends.
 

tigermilk

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Sep 4, 2010
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There appears to be a problem with your poll "yes she won't do it again" is not the same as "yes you are to controlling", whether she will do it again and whether you are to controlling are two seperate issues.
 

Mr. Google

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laol1999 said:
i think you need to be more specific than "if you ever see him again i will break up with you"
if they say hi when passing on the street its not a big deal
if by "see him again" you mean she cheats on you then deffinatly
They live in a different city they wont just see each other if she sees him then its going to be planned or itll be him looking for her which obviously i wouldnt be mad at her for