Poll: Are relationships a 99/1 kind of thing?

[zama174]

I've had a lot of men and women chase me, and I have chased both men and women. In a relationship there is generally in the begging someone who puts in the extra effort to try and establish something. Generally that is the person who recognizes feelings first and wants it to move into something more. However seeing as you stated that you have told her how you feel, then in my opinion if she feels the same she should be putting in the effort. Creating a relationship of any kind is a two way street, be it friendship, or a romantic. If she isn't trying, she isn't worth the time and you should move on.

 

[Flutterguy]

Relationships aren't about giving and taking.

It's about wanting to make the other person happy and feel loved, however, these feelings obviously must be reciprocated for there to even be a relationship.

It's not a business transaction where you have to give X amount of Y to reach a quota.

Unless they are both left-brained business minded people which our society spits out in abundance. In which case a stressful balance is the only relationship they will know. If only one suffers from this they will drain the other until the relationship ends or said other submits.

 

[Something Amyss]

Ugh, seriously, did this can o' worms have to be opened?

It was already tiptoed around, ,aybe even stated directly. I don't remember the latter part. Besides, you touch on it yourself when you bring up the 'sunk cost fallacy'which is one of the roots of the argument. "I put all this time and effort into a girl and she won't be mine! WTF?"

This whole scenario seems to largely revolve around the same underlying themes. He's annoyed that he's put coins into a slot machine and it's not paying off by any other term.

It would be easy to get that point across to him. It would take, what, four words?

Are we talking vaguely? I'm jsust trying to be clear here because I was. The girl in the actual story seems to have already shown that. Thing is, we don't know all the details, but he confessed hsi feelings, she was cold towards them, and now he's complaining that a non-existent relationship isn't 50/50.

More generically, though, it depends on whether or not she knows. There's a psychological--likely cultural--phenomenon in which men are more prone to see women as potential mates and women are more prone to see men as potential friends. As I said, this may be cultural in nature rather than some inherent setup, but a lot of times the man is making assumptions based on his mindset and the basic logic that the woman in question is thinking the same thing. She may be, but statistically speaking, she probably isn't. At least, not on the same level.

This is why communication is important, and also why it really should fall to the guy to communicate, because there is quite likely a disparity in interest. I'm not saying women don't want relationships, but they tend not to look at every man as trying to get in their pants. A woman likely has nothing to communicate in this sort of scenario.

OP's problem seems to be more one of dealing with rejection. And communication should still come into play there. Adults (even the teenage variety) should be able to talk through an issue like this. Maybe she's weirded out. Maybe there's something he's not telling us. But if he's hurt by the way things are right now, he shouldn't be playing the "it's your turn" card.

Not that I'm saying you disagree with this; rather, I'm expanding on the ongoing theme.

And when I see 99/1, I keep thinking "I've got 99 problems but a girlfriend isn't one."

Which is technically true. >.> Though it's probably more like 999 problems.

 

[Whateveralot]

It's simple:

"I really like to go out with you again, but it'd be more fun for me if you determined where we're going. So go ahead; pick something".

 

[thisbymaster]

Look, you got taken for a fool. She wanted your work, when she got that out of you, she shut down. Cut your losses and move on. If a girl doesn't respond to your advances then she isn't interested.

 

[Vegosiux]

-snip-

The only point I really wish to address in your post (because the rest is all fair enough, and I'm not going to dispute it) is that communication actually does take place "in turns". Problem is, one can't expect the other party to "take their turn" before they finish their own...

...what can I say, communication is something people really need to learn, it's more than just words and stuff.

Also, not disagreeing, just offering a slightly different opinion on that part.

 

[Liviola]

OP, I can understand your frustration of being in the position of being the one to initiate everything. It's frustrating because you feel like you're investing this effort and putting yourself out there and it's not being reciprocated.

With relationship stuff, it's tempting to try to generalise, but it's very bad. You're more likely to make yourself and your love interest unhappy because you're letting these imaginary guidelines (made up in your head) dictate things, and setting up this weird "points system" where one person can be the "better partner". Trust me, this strategy is toxic.. Being a "good partner" is not an objective quality. The conditions differ depending on who you are with.

First of all, you want to understand where she's at. Right now it seems like you're not sure how into you she is.

From the way you told the story, it is possible that she was offended by your "corrections" on her paper. Did she ask for your help? If she didn't ask for your help, offering to help (even if your intentions were 100% good and just genuinely wanted to help a friend out) could have been interpreted as you implying that you're unquestionably better than her at it. This is very bad. You mentioned she got an A. That doesn't mean that your help affected her grade at all. How do you know she wouldn't have gotten an A+ if you didn't touch her paper? I'm not saying that's the case, you may have very well helped her and she may have actually asked you for help, but just saying: offering help when it's not needed or wanted is really offensive. Personally, I'd be offended if some guy thinks he can improve my thesis.. especially if he thinks that just because I'm a girl. I've aced almost every single one of my papers back in uni without anybody's help.

That was my stab in the dark about what your girl might be thinking. You really do need to ask her directly, though.

P.S. Agree with other posters re: "throwing a bone" metaphor kinda being super sexist also, even if unintentional.

 

[Luminous Chroma]

It's not a business transaction where you have to give X amount of Y to reach a quota.

Oh, I dunno. With the right girl, giving her a copy each of X and Y would probably be a pretty sweet move. Then she could get all the exclusives and starters, trade more easily, all that jazz. It'd sure work on me.

Unless we're in a world where not everyone is obsessed with Pokemon. In that case, I got nothin'.

 

[Diddy_Mao]

Your both right while simultaneously being wrong.

There is no socially binding contract between a man or woman and their respective partner. You have the expectations for how a relationship should work as do they. If those expectations are completely incompatible then it's best to accept that and move on.

There is someone out there for everyone. That sounds horribly sappy but it's very true. Someone out there finds what you have going on to be attractive on a physical and emotional level.


I never liked having to be the one who always initiates things. I didn't like the game at all and I found flirting to be completely insufferable. As a result every long term relationship I've had, including the girl I've been with for...wow...almost 15 years now, just kinda happened. We found each other mutually attractive and interesting and found ways to be with one another without having to do any of the stupid nonsense that usually goes along with dating.

On the flip side, I have a buddy who just needs to have someone to take care of. He finds it more fulfilling/comforting to know that he's the support pillar of their family. So when he found a girl who expects to be "treated like a princess" they hit it off like fuckin' gangbusters. I don't understand the logic myself, I think it's a weird and kinda creepy foundation for a relationship, but they make each other happy so who am I to say they're wrong.

 

[krazykidd]

Does she know what you are expecting of her? I get that you think that way , but does she think that way and more importantly, does she know you think that way? Easy solution is to tell her. But because for some reason society believes that we should be blunt , people never say what they truely feel.

Also, you friend isn't wrong , but neither is he right.

 

[LetalisK]

It's not a business transaction where you have to give X amount of Y to reach a quota.

But I demand reciprocation! It's unfair! Something something something friend zone.

Something something something friend zone, something something something dark side.


OT: Relationships should ideally be an equitable back and forth between the two people. However, you are not in a relationship yet and we don't have the social custom where it is meant to be equitable. That said, not every woman is going to expect the same.

 

[Hagi]

Eh, to me it's very simple.

I want a woman willing and capable of taking initiative.

It doesn't matter what the rules are. It doesn't matter how the majority of women are. That's what I'm looking for. If she's incapable of expressing interest in a way that I understand then I'll cut my losses and look elsewhere. No obligations whatsoever to her, she's free to do exactly as she wishes and owes me nothing. But that's just what I consider important in a partner, so that's what I'm going to look for.

See, you're not looking to be the right man for the average woman, for whom this may very well be true. You're looking for the right women for who you are. If that means that even at the start of dating she needs to show initiative then that's what it means and that's what you should look for. If the girl you're talking about isn't showing the qualities you value then keep on looking.

So decide what you would personally truly value in your potential partner, in which cases you'd rather be alone than with someone lacking those qualities. Because that's really all that matters in my opinion. It's not about averages, it's not about what's normal or expected in society, it's not about changing who you are just to appeal to others. It's about knowing what you really consider important and looking for that until you find it.

 

[ItouKaiji]

Eh, to me it's very simple.

I want a woman willing and capable of taking initiative.

It doesn't matter what the rules are. It doesn't matter how the majority of women are. That's what I'm looking for. If she's incapable of expressing interest in a way that I understand then I'll cut my losses and look elsewhere. No obligations whatsoever to her, she's free to do exactly as she wishes and owes me nothing. But that's just what I consider important in a partner, so that's what I'm going to look for.

See, you're not looking to be the right man for the average woman, for whom this may very well be true. You're looking for the right women for who you are. If that means that even at the start of dating she needs to show initiative then that's what it means and that's what you should look for. If the girl you're talking about isn't showing the qualities you value then keep on looking.

So decide what you would personally truly value in your potential partner, in which cases you'd rather be alone than with someone lacking those qualities. Because that's really all that matters in my opinion. It's not about averages, it's not about what's normal or expected in society, it's not about changing who you are just to appeal to others. It's about knowing what you really consider important and looking for that until you find it.

So you don't change at all but you expect someone else to conform to all of your values? That's very simplistic thinking and doesn't really reflect reality. No, you don't have to completely change yourself to for someone else, but you also can't expect someone to fall from the sky knowing what you're expecting from a relationship. You have to have some kind of understand of people and relationships.

 

[Hagi]

So you don't change at all but you expect someone else to conform to all of your values? That's very simplistic thinking and doesn't really reflect reality. No, you don't have to completely change yourself to for someone else, but you also can't expect someone to fall from the sky knowing what you're expecting from a relationship. You have to have some kind of understand of people and relationships.

Wait... What?

I'm not saying don't change yourself. I am saying don't change yourself just to appeal to others.
I'm not saying expect someone else to conform to all your values. I am saying that it's perfectly fine to hold on to some values you find truly important and look for those in others.

You may want to reread my post.

 

[Raikas]

TL;DR: I say relationships should be a back and forth 'every party gives 50/50-thing, my friend thinks a 99/1 is more suitable. I disagree and give an abridged telling of my situation, third paragraph. I'd also like to know how many people agree with me or my friend, he will be watching this thread.

I disagree with you both - no relationship that lasts any length of time is ever going to be completely 50/50 (and that's not just romantic relationships either), and no decent relationship should be so lopsided that it can be called 99/1 (even those rich old guys with their trophy wives are getting something of value out of their arm candy). I'm married, and sometimes one of us is just in a better position to do more things - it's not always the same person though, because things change over time - that's just the way relationships are.

That said, in the beginning, the pursuer is almost always going to put in more effort just by virtue of being the one who gets the ball rolling (and that's regardless of being male or female). Expecting the person you're pursuing to jump into some kind of balance early on makes no sense - if you're persuading them to get into a relationship with you, why would you put them in a position that requires them to act as though they're already in a LTR?

 

[mitchell271]

If you've just started out and you're the pursing one, yes, you should be putting in more effort. However, if it stays that was instead of becoming a 50/50 relationship, it won't be a healthy one.

 

[Phasmal]

It came to the point where I just said to him: "You know, dogs chase their masters too, you know. To get that little biscuit. whereupon he answered: "You really shouldn't see it that way.".

That sentiment isn't creepy as hell.
Just kidding. Yes it is.

OT-

If you had the exact same level of interest in being in the relationship as this lady, then she might pursue you more. But maybe she's just not as mad about you.
Me and my boyfriend, it's kind of not clear who pursued who cause it was kind of mutual, but he was the first one to ask me out.
But people are individuals and not everyone is the same.