Poll: Cheating and you

[Boris Goodenough]

In light of recent events in my life, this question has come up and found that guys and gals might not exactly see eye to eye on this subject.

I've always found that physically cheating it the worst kind as that is a choice you make, where as mentally is something you don't exactly have control over.
And by mentally I mean fall in love with or find a keen interest in the new person. This is not about mere attraction though, as I am sure most people see eye to eye on that subject.

 

[crudus]

A physical affair can happen when you put people in the right circumstances with enough bad decision juice. An emotional affair is over time and can be stopped at any point. Emotional is worse.

 

[trollnystan]

Argh, I was stupid and miss-voted! I didn't read your post properly and I miss-voted... I'm sorry. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! D=

I'm the "Female - Equally bad" vote.

If I could have a do-over I'd vote physically. You can't control your mind after all. But once you realise you're in love with/interested in someone else you should probably do something about it; either leave your current partner and try to see if the new love interest is willing, or - if you're also still in love with your current partner and don't wish to leave him/her - then try to re-focus on him/her and put those new feelings behind you. Or something. You could also try to be honest with your partner to find a solution on how to deal with it together, but that has a big potential to backfire.

Personally I think I'd prefer the honesty. This is from someone who's never been in a relationship, mind you; never truly experienced jealousy beyond the "Why doesn't he like me instead of her?" teenage whine.

 

[Merkavar]

i miss understood nd no have no comment

 

[FalloutJack]

I'm not sure, exactly. I suppose it's the physical act that does it, 'cause it's not fair to say that eyes can't/won't wander. I mean, once you've chosen, it's still your right to bark at the end of your chain, or so Walter says. Yeah, THAT Walter. But I mean I've made my choice and I'm sticking with mine, thanks.

 

[b3nn3tt]

A physical affair can happen when you put people in the right circumstances with enough bad decision juice. An emotional affair is over time and can be stopped at any point. Emotional is worse.

I agree with this sentiment, but I voted equally bad. I think that emotional is bad because you'd assume it happens over time, which shows an unwillingness to stop things before they've gone too far. But at the same time, physically cheating is a conscious decision, so that could easily have been avoided as well.

Really, nobody likes being cheated on, in any manner.

 

[zehydra]

Physical relations with someone outside your relationship is like sealing the deal that you don't really care about someone.

"Actions speak louder than words"

 

[Tdc2182]

Hard to say.

I've very much been a victim of "mentally cheating" (and I don't mean to overplay the word "victim". It wasn't that bad.)

She always had a soft spot for... well, every other guy. At any given moment there was 15 people she was willing to date and would never tell anyone she was taken. Even if they asked her out...

But yeah, I think I'll put my vote in with physically cheating. I don't think it's as bad as most people, but it's pretty much worse than mentally cheating.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

Physical relations with someone outside your relationship is like sealing the deal that you don't really care about someone.

Although I agree in principle, it would seem the world has seen that to be a too simplified deduction.
You can still care deeply about someone when you physically cheat on them.

 

[Nickolai77]

I (male) in the end voted for equally bad. Physical cheating is bad yes, bad in that it's a choice that someone makes to commit- however, the upshot of it being a choice is that such behaviour can change.

Mentally is bad because it's a more subtle form of cheating that is very damaging to relationships in the long term (i've been a victim of this), it's also something that people tend not make concious choices over- so in one sense it's both bad in that it can't be helped, but the absence of physical affection dilutes things somewhat.

 

[Pedro The Hutt]

Physical relations with someone outside your relationship is like sealing the deal that you don't really care about someone.

Although I agree in principle, it would seem the world has seen that to be a too simplified deduction.
You can still care deeply about someone when you physically cheat on them.

I'm going to agree with this one, the reasons why one would or could physically cheat on their partner are legion and not all of them are because they don't care about their partner.

I'm undecided for now, but I am leaning towards emotional, while physical cheating is of course a bad thing, a single, isolated event of physical cheating is easier to excuse (in my opinion) than a prolonged emotional, romantic relationship with someone behind your partner's back, even if it hasn't been consummated for whatever reason.

 

[Sharpiez]

If you cheat mentally you can still break up the relationship and there is an equal fault on both parties. We're not all destined for each other, I get that.

But when you go ahead and ignore their feelings and what they have invested and get with somebody, you're a pretty nasty human being.

 

[SirDoom]

Honestly, I don't know. Never cheated, never been cheated on. All my relationship problems stem from... well, non-cheating issues, not her meeting someone new while going out with me.

Although I guess I've technically experienced a form of each of them. In the "dating a bit, but not technically in a relationship" phase, I've had a girl randomly run into another guy and decide to drop me right before our second date. I've also had a girlfriend who wasn't in love with or close to anyone else, but who wasn't mentally close to me either.

From those experiences, and assuming that falling in love with someone else would imply falling out of love with your current partner, I'd say the mental thing is worse. The first thing hurts for about an hour. The other... it doesn't fade fast at all. I suppose it's because with physical cheating, it's a one-time encounter, and the person you're with could still love you back. Usually, anyway. In any case, once they're caught, it tends to either not happen again or end the relationship then and there.

With the mental version, you end up in love with someone who is in love with someone else, which leads to weeks or months of drifting apart until things eventually break. It's not a clean "You did X, so I'm breaking up with you" thing. First you lose that spark, then things go downhill until all the little things become unbearable, and then there's a breakup over the last little trivial thing. In the end, you break up over unreturned calls or something, knowing that there was so much more wrong, but being unable to pinpoint the big cause behind it all.

Unless of course they flat out tell you "I met someone else", in which case you've basically got someone in the physical cheating category who decided to stay with the person they cheated on you with. That one just sucks.

 

[Polarity27]

For me the "cheating" isn't about the act or the attraction, it's about the lying and deception. If you lied about it and broke that bond of trust, it doesn't matter that much whether it's an emotional thing or a physical thing.

I have a theoretically open marriage (i.e. nobody's taking advantage of that at the moment but it's there if needed), we're to tell each other if attractions like these come up. I've always been open about mine, and so has my husband. If it's going to progress to the physical, we'll talk about it. If he has a one night stand and tells me the next day, as long as there was protection, I'm okay with that. It's the lying that's the problem.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

For me the "cheating" isn't about the act or the attraction, it's about the lying and deception. If you lied about it and broke that bond of trust, it doesn't matter that much whether it's an emotional thing or a physical thing.

I have a theoretically open marriage (i.e. nobody's taking advantage of that at the moment but it's there if needed), we're to tell each other if attractions like these come up. I've always been open about mine, and so has my husband. If it's going to progress to the physical, we'll talk about it. If he has a one night stand and tells me the next day, as long as there was protection, I'm okay with that. It's the lying that's the problem.

What if one in the relationship says "Not cheating allowed, ever (given that it's not a open relationship)" and the other one cheats and is honest about it?

 

[Nemu]

Female who went with physically cheating is worse.

Mentally cheating is, to me, nothing more than fantasizing, unless you also consider sexting, chatting online with someone you are OBVIOUSLY interested it (etc.) as being under the "mentally cheating" umbrella. Once it crosses the line of physically cheating (or emailing/sexting/chatting if the previous applies), then to me it's cheating and over. I'm the type of person who will drop you flat and never speak to you again. No drama. No crying (in yer face at least). Me + door = gone, baby, gone. I stopped speaking to a former best friend of 15 years over a betrayal, I'll do it with an ex, too. lol

 

[Particulate]

Female who went with physically cheating is worse.

Mentally cheating is, to me, nothing more than fantasizing, unless you also consider sexting, chatting online with someone you are OBVIOUSLY interested it (etc.) as being under the "mentally cheating" umbrella. Once it crosses the line of physically cheating (or emailing/sexting/chatting if the previous applies), then to me it's cheating and over. I'm the type of person who will drop you flat and never speak to you again. No drama. No crying (in yer face at least). Me + door = gone, baby, gone. I stopped speaking to a former best friend of 15 years over a betrayal, I'll do it with an ex, too. lol

The Knife is awesome

OT: I'm a guy and to me mental cheating is the worst. Physical there's more leeway with in my opinion. Someone gets drunk and shit happens, you have a fight and someone steps in and exploits a damaged situation. It's bad but it happens. Mental cheating is worse though, and I don't mean thinking about Jessica Alba or whoever. I mean honestly desiring someone when you're with someone else and just stringing them along. Because then not only is the second party occupying the majority of your affection and love but you're stringing along someone else.

 

[Jordi]

I think physical cheating is by far the worse thing to do, because it shows a blatant disregard and betrayal of the person you are supposed to love. Emotional cheating is involuntary and the cheater can't really help it.

When you look at it from the point of view of the "victim" though, things are a little less clear cut. I think that even though your partner can't help how he feels, it might be worse if s/he is cheating emotionally, because that is the more important part of the relationship I think. However, at least s/he's not actively betraying you, so I'm not sure which is worse.

 

[dyre]

Male, physically cheating is worse. What the hell's emotional cheating? Thinking "wow, my girlfriend's sister is really hot?"