Poll: Cheating and you

[JediMB]

> I'm male - Mentally

My line of thinking is that cheating physically is something that "can happen" by mistake. Let's say your partner gets drunk, or is otherwise temporarily tempted into something.

As for mentally, I want to separate idle physical fantasies (which happen to everyone) from actually actively thinking and fantasizing over and romanticizing a specific person. The latter is obviously what I'm thinking about, and basically means that you're not very interested in being in a monogamous relationship with your current partner at all. This can, in turn, also lead to physical cheating... which would only act as a confirmation of the mental cheating in this case.

And... rather than going on about this, I'm going to hit the Post button now.

 

[BanicRhys]

Voted male - physically.

You can't help falling in love. If you resist the urge to have a relationship with this new person that shows that you still love and respect your partner.

 

[Griffolion]

I've been both a cheater and a cheatee, I wish to be on neither end again.

I think both is bad. When I was cheated on, one of my GF's had gotten with her ex and the only thing that stopped them from having sex was that they had no condoms, if they had, they would have done. That's basically as bad as the physical act itself, because they'd already done it in their minds. Granted we were on the rocks and it was towards the end of our relationship anyway, but it's still bad. Especially when I'd gone through a few months of being continually benchmarked against the ex she eventually got with.

When I cheated, I kissed a girl I quite fancied when I was with someone else. It was a physical thing mainly, I'm not proud of myself and have moved on from that.

 

[Boris Goodenough]

I guess "emotional cheating" isn't as clear cut as I first thought, What I meant by it (apparently not all agree) was when people find lust/attraction and even fall in love but don't do anything about it.

 

[Smooth Operator]

They are sort of equally bad (usually they both happen on a subconscious level), but when they are combined it's the ultimate burn.

I personally take more offense from physical cheating, it's the one we have more control over so your partner was more willing to give into their desire for others.
Our minds however wonder, some people just take you over by storm and you can't help but be attracted to them, I guess the real question is where the cheating line is drawn here.

 

[Astoria]

It all depends. Personally I see both as bad as each other. Cheating is always worse if you don't tell your partners yourself though.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

Female here, and I voted both.

Mentally cheating isn't 'having an interest in someone else', it's actively wanting to pursue that interest. I can have desire for a person other than my partner, but if I'm thinking about this person during sex with my partner or wanting to be in their company more than my partner's, that's cheating.

[small][small]How odd that this comes up right now...[/small][/small]

 

[OldKingClancy]

Male, physical is worse.

An emotional cheat can happen to anyone and while it may hurt someone it can be talked about and fixed. Someone above said it's like thinking 'Wow my girlfriend's sister is hot.' You just think it but you're not going to act upon it.

A physical cheat only happens to those weak enough to ruin their relationship, it cannot be fixed.
I've never been cheated on but if I was there no way I could forgive anyone for sleeping with someone else, likewise I wouldn't do the same thing.

 

[Srdjan]

Mental cheating is completly victimless, harmless and utterly undetectable how it can be even remotly compared to physical cheating.

 

[Biosophilogical]

Okay, there are two kinds of mental cheating that I'd like to point to. The first is the involuntary 'falling in love' with another person while already in a relationship, but you still love your current partner. This has the potential for the most harm, because everyone involved is now incredibly vulnerable, and given the heavy emphasis on monogomous relationships in our respective societies, it is almost impossible for someone not to get hurt. The cheater will lose someone they love either way, and have to deal with the thought that they are betraying both of the people they love by loving the other, the original partner will have to deal with a sense of betrayal from the cheater, regardless of how it turns out (or most people will anyway), and the non-partner, assuming they love the cheater back, will cause the cheater emotional harm no matter how it turns out, which if they love each other, will be painful for the non-partner too. The second kind of mental cheating would be where the cheater loses interest in their current partner while developing interest in the non-partner. This is worse, even though less people are hurt. It is worse because, unlike the other one, where the cheater is as much a victim as anyone else, in this scenario the original partner is being strung along, and when they find out, it won't be a giant ball of sympathetic pain, it will be outright betrayal, with no compassion or empathy. It is the metaphorical ripping out of the original partner's heart, putting it on the ground and grinding it into the dirt with the heel of the cheater's foot.

Physical cheating is either a huge mistake (drunken accident, moment of weakness, whatever you want to call it), or it is the second kind of mental cheating, except they don't even maintain the illusion of a monogomous relationship.

Okay, so in order from worst to ... least worse, I'd go physical Cheating-2, Mental cheating-2, Mental cheating-1, Physical cheating-1.

 

[Spy_Guy]

Spoiler: Trust is everything...

By which I mean to say that I, as a guy, considers the breaking of trust between two people to be the most heinous crime a person can commit.

I personally get sick to the core when I see two-faced liars, collecting people's trust without so much as a thought, and they are capable of breaking that trust just as easily. I don't care what they do, a bad word, a lie, a slap, a stab; it's all equal in my book.

For this reason I voted "equally bad", with the disclaimer that the "mental" cheating is not something purely natural, as opposed to long and drawn out emotional attachment to someone outside the relationship.
As long as a person does not act upon it, such as pursue the object of their affections, fantasize or similar, then fair enough, they probably can't help it.

As for physically cheating, the only advice I can give to a person who partakes in that is:
"Go die in a fire."

To me, it's unthinkable to not honor the trust someone put in me, in fact, I'd rather shoot myself than betray someone. In return, I expect people to not betray my trust, I wouldn't go out of my way to check if they did, mind, I'm not like that. I trust the person, after all.

But, if someone betrays my trust, I feel no need to honor the trust they still place in me, if they do.

People can consider this a sort of "treat others like you would like to be treated" sentiment.

 

[Heartcafe]

"Female - Physically"

I believe there is nothing wrong in mentally admiring another man. If he's hot, I would find him attractive, but that won't cause me to cheat on my partner because my partner trusts me.

As long as he doesn't hurt me, I won't hurt him. It's kind of an eye for an eye thing.

 

[Kenko]

A physical affair can happen when you put people in the right circumstances with enough bad decision juice. An emotional affair is over time and can be stopped at any point. Emotional is worse.

Bad decision juice is just a douchebags poor excuse to dodge a bullet. It's not a valid excuse.

OT: I voted Physical as i'm not sure what the emotional bit really means. As for my opinion on the matter, any form of cheating is pointless and should be punished severely, if my partner did so well, I hope the authoroties go easy on me. I demand loyalty and honesty. If you cannot remain loyal for whatever reason, atleast give me honesty and leave me rather then dancing about in the shadows and lying to me.

I don't just put those demands on the other person but also put them on myself.

 

[mitchell271]

physical will end the relationship and you will be branded as a cheater. you'll also have that in the back of your mind for a long time. if you don't love the person anymore, then you have to break up.

emotionally cheating is self destructive. you begin to doubt everything and your partner's flaws become much more apparent.

they're equally as bad

 

[MassiveGeek]

Physical relations with someone outside your relationship is like sealing the deal that you don't really care about someone.

"Actions speak louder than words"

I agree.

I personally get sort of like small "crushes" on girls(99% of the time it's a girl) because I'm in a distance relationship - but I'd never act out on it because I love and respect my boyfriend, if I ever wanted SO BADLY to be with someone else I would take it up with him, although I doubt I'd ever get that longing. I'm not with my boyfriend just to have a boyfriend, I'm with him because I want to be with him and him with me.

If you feel that the person you're with isn't the one you want to be with maybe you should reconsider the whole relationship instead of being a disrespectful ass. Cheating is bad both mentally and physically, but the physical aspect does really seal the deal.

 

[Aranialis]

I voted Male-equally bad, only for the reasons that both hurt the victim as much, or would if I was the victim.

But in my humble opinion Mental cheating would be worse. Physical cheating will happen out of physical attraction to a certain point (which is natural in everyone and so not an offence) and, as well put by another poster, "enough bad decision juice", or in a worse scenario, be the product of mental (psychological) cheating.

In this view Mental cheating would be the worse, since it hurts one's personality more then would a physical weakness and bad judgement. Also Mental (psychological) cheating is a decided choice, in that you either choose to follow the attraction you feel by that person (that is not your partner) or you shun away from that and look for that comfort in your partner, or just move on to the new infatuation of your life.

That being, I believe in the fact that Mental (psychological) cheating is worse then physical cheating, although the physical consequences of mental cheating are probably the most horrifying (destructive) of all.

 

[Aurgelmir]

In light of recent events in my life, this question has come up and found that guys and gals might not exactly see eye to eye on this subject.

I've always found that physically cheating it the worst kind as that is a choice you make, where as mentally is something you don't exactly have control over.
And by mentally I mean fall in love with or find a keen interest in the new person. This is not about mere attraction though, as I am sure most people see eye to eye on that subject.

Loads of Psychological studies have shown that this is the case. Men tend to dislike Physical Cheating, woman tend to dislike the mental cheating.

The reason is to do with how men and women invest in relationships. Where most men seek a physically appealing spouse, women tend to be attracted to other factors in the male, such as; Commitment, wealth etc.

And why is that? think about it from a reproductive point of view. Woman can only produce one child with one spouse at a time (or multiple if they get twins etc), but a man can spread his seed on as many women as he could possible get his hands on.

So if a girl has a one night stand with another man, her spouse will get jealous because this means she can now possible be pregnant with someone else, meaning the spouse lost his chance of reproduction.

But for a woman the safety she gets from a faithful man is important in order to protect her future child. The Woman wants a spouse that will devote all his resources on her child. If a man is mentally cheating on her with another woman, well then how is he focusing all his resources on the future child?

Wow that got very psychological

PS: Did you know that some reserachers has found that men with blue eyes are more attracted to women with Blue eyes? But that there is no such correlation for brown eyed men or any women?

They concluded that this must be linked to the fact that two blue eyed people generally get blue eyed children, and therefore it was easier for a blue eyed man to know if the child was his in primordial times

 

[Exius Xavarus]

Cheating is cheating. And to me, unacceptable under any circumstance. I refuse to be with anyone that was willing to cheat on me, even once. Because if they were willing to cheat on me the first time, what's going to stop them from doing it again?

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" as the saying goes.

I voted equally bad because I won't tolerate it at all.

 

[Avistew]

It's hard for me to reply. I'm poly so I'm fine with a partner having other relationships. So to me cheating isn't having other relationships, but hiding them from me, because when you're allowed to do something up-front and you still decide to do it behind someone's back, you're just being a dick and doing things for the sake of going behind their back.

As a result it's easy for me to know what physical cheating would be: not telling me they're interested in someone and having sex with them more than once (as I might be fine with them telling me after the first time rather than before it depending on the circumstances of said first time).

But with emotional "cheating"? Now that's hard. I don't expect people to tell me they're in love with someone the second they are - some people can be the last one to know when everyone else does. So how do I know they actively hid it from me? You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions, so the cheating for me would be actively hiding that they're in love.

I think the emotional hiding might be worse though, because if they hide the fact they had sex with someone they're just hiding an activity that had a limited time, but if they hide they love someone, they're hiding part of themself from me, something that's constantly part of them, and as their partner I'd want to be let in on it, because I think communication and intimacy are essential for a successful relationship, and without them there can't be trust.

But I didn't vote because I feel I'm kind of "outside" of that poll. If it's about something happening rather than something being hidden, I think the sex is worse, because falling in love isn't something you do on purpose or can prevent, and I could never blame someone for falling in love. But I could blame someone for deciding to have sex if they knew I wasn't fine with it, as it's an active decision they would have made.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Female here, and I voted both.

Mentally cheating isn't 'having an interest in someone else', it's actively wanting to pursue that interest. I can have desire for a person other than my partner, but if I'm thinking about this person during sex with my partner or wanting to be in their company more than my partner's, that's cheating.

[small][small]How odd that this comes up right now...[/small][/small]

Male - And I agree with this. I find them both as bad, and they would both be as equally to deal with and forgive.

Also may I ask what this

[small][small]How odd that this comes up right now...[/small][/small]

is about?