Poll: Chivalry

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gamefreakbsp

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These are not ludicrous claims of sexism. That is an argument ad absurdum [http://changingminds.org/disciplines/argument/fallacies/appeal_ridicule.htm]: you have simply declared my claims of sexism ludicrous without showing what makes them ludicrous.

As I have clearly asked of you above, how do you justify 'taking it that extra step for a lady' if this has nothing to do with you either wanting something from her or believing that she possesses or lacks some trait which justifies that extra step?
Most women find an act of chivalry to be kind and they appriciate it. If it makes them happy, why shouldn't I be chivalrous. I believe that these claims of sexism are ridiculous, because the reason I am chivalrous has nothing to do with inequality between the sexes. Of course that is just related to my opinion on the subject. It doesn't reflect other peoples views, so I suppose your claim of sexism could be accurate in most cases. Just not mine.
 

SmartIdiot

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TL;DR

However I got the gist of what you were saying. Certain forms of chivalry are outdated i.e. being polite/not swearing, holding doors open (you should hold doors open for anyone walking behind/in front of you regardless of gender!) and listening to all their bullshit. I think that covers it.

How do I explain this... there's nothing wrong with behaving like a gentleman when you're out on a date with a girl, just don't over-do it. For example, going to dinner. There's no need to pull the chair out for her to sit down, she is perfectly capable of doing it herself, if you must do something just ask her which place she wants to sit at. Likewise, let her order her own food and at the end of the meal, if she insists on splitting the bill don't argue.

There is a point where chivalry crosses over into patronising territory and that won't get you laid. Remember, she probably wants it as much as you do and as a result is probably playing you just as much as you're playing her.
 

PinkAngelKitty

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Of course the whole point of this argument lays in the line being polite and chivalrous. What's the difference? I think that's a more important discussion topic.
 

Gingerman

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Gingerman said:
Lets do a little role reversal here.

A woman holds open a door for me and then proceeds to give me a few complements, the discussion then brakes down into a talk of opinions, during the talk I see that her face twitches when I say certain things but she still keeps the everlasting smile and agrees with it all.
Now I'd think three things during this.

1)Is she trying to get on my good side just to score a date/sex?
2)She's nice maybe I can turn this into a friendship
3)Wait didn't I have a wallet before we... started... talking...

Now with number 1 I don't mind much but I prefer someone to be honest to my face and not nod and agree with everything I say just to score I want a person to date not a ass kissing robot. (A part of Chivalry without the sugar coating).
With number 2 well this woman seems genuinely nice and its always good to have more friends so I'll try and be friends with her and if my feelings grow I might ask her out.
And finally number 3 in my history someone always tries to nick my wallet through being the "nice" guy/girl trick.

When I have feeling for a girl I do certain things. I'm nice to her but still treat her as I would treat any other person, as in light teasing and being slightly playful (well that and speaking madness that works aswell) but I add in the occasional flirt or complement. This got me my current girlfriend because although I was treating her nicely I made my intentions clear that I'd like to get to know her better and instead of being a non-stop nice guy I also showed her my playful and jokey side (which reveals I'm human and not some complement robot).

Chivalry is dead because woman killed it yes, but that was because they wanted a interesting boyfriend and not some ass kissing sexist (I for one hold the door open for everyone... well unless I don't like the person).

In the end the so called "nice" guys need to realise that talking to women like they're people and making them like your personality rather than your actions should be their goal.

Also there is nothing wrong with feminists they are just wanting the equal rights they deserve now the sexist women are the problem.

Well that is my 2 cents anyway.
My opinion in a nut shell.

Also I really do hate it when people say "we're all equal" because its bullshit, put me next to your average woman and I'll be taller and stronger but she'll probably have better flexibility, social and English skills. Now I do believe we should all be treated equally but not acknowledging our weaknesses is rather silly. About three days ago, I was at ASDA when I saw a young woman struggling at the front door with her shopping as from what I saw it was to heavy for her. So I walked over and asked her if she'd like a hand her response being "What you don't think I can do it myself?" in a rather nasty tone, so I replyed "Sorry just looked like you were struggling" and I walked off sadly not to quickly as I heard her muttering "Sexist pig".

Now that annoys me, I offered her help because she needed it not because she was a woman but the story has a happy ending when I came back out of ASDA she was still there struggling but thankfully she realised that I'm not a "Sexist pig" (turns out she was having a hard day but I have heard of horror stories of women crying sexist for the smallest of reasons) and asked if I could give her a hand which I did, we had a little chat and I found out she is currently studying bio chemistry at University nearish mine.

Anyway, we're not equal I am bigger than you are and your probably better at other things stop trying to be little Miss Manhater.

And men remember they're dating the asshole because your boring, well that and they're big girls and can make their own mistakes without you running around in white armor.
 

A random person

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fleacythesheep said:
Anyone who thinks it's dead is just lazy, bitter, or both.
This; believe me, the "you don't hit a woman" attitude is still alive and well. And just a note about the holding doors open, I do it for both genders. It's just polite, man or woman.

Also, I understand it comes with the topic, but holy crap the feminism bashing in this thread got bad.
 

crudus

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BGH122 said:
Not in the time of the hunter gatherer, as I believed we were referring to. But it was little better in the Medieval era, certainly the church praised monogamy and was anti-promiscuity, but men would still ultimately get sex (even if it were marital) or respect (important bargaining chip for work) for their chivalry.
I was assuming Medieval times since "chivalry" was the knights conduct. I disagree with the fact that knights were chivalrous for sex. They were going to get sex no matter what. First I doubt women saying "no you didn't open a door for me today so no nookie" had the same weight it does today. Also, rape wasn't the thing it is today. If knights wanted sex they would just take it.
 

Deleted

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chivalry and romantic love is all stupid anyways. people keep it alive though, so what are you gonna do?
 

BGH122

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TundraWolf said:
BGH122 said:
TundraWolf said:
A lot of what you wrote deals with a semantic argument. I did not intend the word 'chivalry' to mean 'kindness and respect to everyone', I intended it to mean preferential kindness and respect to women as I believe most people understand the term (more properly, this term would be 'gallant', but the word chivalry has come to mean the same thing colloquially).

You did not rebut any of my points, or show how preferential treatment to a particular gender is not sexist, hence it does not appear that you have addressed my argument. However, within the frame of your own argument, certainly it would not be demeaning or sexist in any way to treat women pleasantly because you act this way with all people. You are neither doing it because you expect a reward (as many women will probably assume and thus the negative reactions), nor because you consider women to be inferior/better than men.
I intentionally did not mean to directly address your own arguments mostly because I disagree with the way you view and have defined 'chivalry'. My response was more intended to show my own point-of-view, and to shed some light on how I believe the term 'chivalry' has become twisted over the years into the preconceived notion that it has become today. Because of the disagreement regarding definition, it would be hard to properly address your argument without coming to some sort of compromise beforehand. Having said that, let me try and voice something more directly in response to your original statement.

I willingly admit that, when it was first utilized, the tenet of chivalry that dealt with the treatment of women at court was fairly sexist. There is a very romanticized ideation regarding the way a knight should treat a lady, most of which is constantly perpetuated by Hollywood or my aforementioned abusers of chivalry. I, just as much as you, would like to break that perpetuation, as such actions are very demeaning to women in this day and age.

The way you define it, I suppose I would also have to agree with your statement regarding the superiority/inferiority predication; committing such 'chivalrous' acts would seem to automatically preclude any feelings of equality, because they obviously must be based around either showing respect to those higher in status than you, or non-verbally boasting of your own moral superiority over other people.

However, because I do not share the same definition of 'chivalry' as you do (or at least how you are implying it here), I cannot truly agree to that assertion. Because, by my definition, chivalry is something that implies you respect everyone and show them kindness appropriate to that respect, chivalry is based around equality. You are no better nor worse than any other person, so you should show them kindness. In turn, then, it should not be unreasonable to assume that people respect you and show that kindness as well. In that way, chivalry is very much about equality. And because of this, it would not be unreasonable to believe that women could act within the tenets of chivalry as well.

Because chivalry has so colloquially become associated with the male gender, that is obviously an assertion that many people cannot, or will not, follow. But I believe that it is no more outrageous a statement than that females should be treated as equals to males.

This is all assuming that we lived in a perfectly harmonious world where people respected each other equally all over the world. Which, of course, just isn't true. But from an academic standpoint, which very much seems to be where we are arguing at the moment, I do not see why this point-of-view is any less valid than another. Not that you implied as such; I am just stating my case.
Clearly you know your history far better than I. I agree with the quoted text and suppose that the correct term for the type of 'chivalry' to which I refer would be something more akin to a code of gallantry.

However, as you've rightly laid out, an equality-based chivalry would be unrealistically idealistic. We're all already supposed to carry that code, but it doesn't get yield us any selfishly positive results in the short-term, whereas the sexist form of chivalry yields sex (or at least an increased chance of sex).

Requi3m said:
BGH122 said:
For sure, it's a shame, but attitudes like chivalry reinforce a lack of basic human politeness: chivalry is (I've yet to see this disproved) instrumental kindness, kindness to get some direct reward rather than for the sake of kindness.
Sorry, didn't read the whole thread, but I just needed to react on this statement. (I hope this hasn't been said already.)

I've recently come to the conclusion that everything we do, we do for ourselves. Basically, everyone is egocentric (at least up to some point). You are polite because you want people to like you, you want a good job to live luxuriously, etc. Everything you do results in some sort of gain for yourself, even if it's just feeling good about yourself doing what you think is right. Otherwise, why do it?

What I mean to say is, there is no kindness just for the sake of kindness.
Yes, I agree and the main line which delineates selfishness and altruism is the proximity of the reward: the polite person is hailed as good whereas the criminal is condemned, yet the polite person will receive a boon for his/her behaviour, just as the criminal, yet it is the immediacy and severity of that reward which separates the two.

Ultimately everything we do can be construed as selfish (and probably rightly so), but then again, whilst we are sapiens, our prefrontal lobe is built upon a heavy core of bestial, lesser-evolved brain mass, the parietal lobe, the amygdala and so on. We're less selfish, short-termist, I should say, than other animals, but we're still selfish. The main difference is that the human reward is deferred and distally separated from the individual: it is not immediately obvious that a positive effect of our selfish actions which rolls back on us a long time after our action occurred is causally related.

Yet perhaps, if the difference between beasts and sapiens lies in this idea of a deferred reward, this is why 'politeness' and other such not necessarily beneficial traits are so valued. The human race can reach its collectively selfish goals (advanced civilization etc) far quicker without any errant bestial detractors behaving in an immediately selfish way. We're still collectively selfish, but it appears to be the individually selfish which are abhorred. Hm, I'm kind of thinking aloud here, but it makes sense so far.

crudus said:
BGH122 said:
Not in the time of the hunter gatherer, as I believed we were referring to. But it was little better in the Medieval era, certainly the church praised monogamy and was anti-promiscuity, but men would still ultimately get sex (even if it were marital) or respect (important bargaining chip for work) for their chivalry.
I was assuming Medieval times since "chivalry" was the knights conduct. I disagree with the fact that knights were chivalrous for sex. They were going to get sex no matter what. First I doubt women saying "no you didn't open a door for me today so no nookie" had the same weight it does today. Also, rape wasn't the thing it is today. If knights wanted sex they would just take it.
Yeah, you definitely have a point there. Although, in the case of knighted soldiers, their reputation (and hence their pull within the lorded circles) had a huge amount to do with the way they followed their code. They're still getting a selfish reward for their chivalry, even if it isn't sex.

It does seem, however, that we may have misunderstood medieval chivalry (as clarified by Tundra).
 

Squaseghost

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I enjoy being polite to everyone, especially the ladies...

Anyway, I'm getting kind of annoyed at this friend of mine. She's always telling me to hold the door open for girls and crap (like her), and totally doesn't understand how it's almost saying that she's inferior or that it's to much work for a woman. She even gets annoyed sometimes if I don't. AUGH!!

also, this:

djpuppylove789 said:
this expresses my sentiments best:
Bro Code Article 37: A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy.
 

ActionDan

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I try to keep the spirit of Chivalry alive. Most women I know appreciate the fact that I am Chivalrous towards them, they thank me for not being like most other men around here, i.e, Jerks.
 

Baconmonster723

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What saddens me most is the view people have of chivalry. Chivalry is selflessness. Chivalry is a code used to describe what is most commonly associated with a knight. People see it as the wooing of a woman and that's just incorrect. Chivalry is the code by which the a knight would live. Sure it is most commonly associated with the interaction between that of a man towards a woman.

However, chivalry is in a sense a call to go above and beyond what the average would do. Chivalry is wooing a woman through kindness, Chivalry is helping a homeless man by getting him a good meal. It is not a means to an end. A true follower of a chivalric code would not use it as a means to an end. It wouldn't be sexist because it applys to helping all who can't help themselves regardless of gender.

Chivalric individuals should never expect anything in return for their actions. The gratitude and the knowing that a chivalric individual did a good deed is all the chivalric individual should attempt to obtain. Anything else that comes from these actions is simply a gift from another individual.

The knight was a symbol of hope and power to the downtrodden individual, not just some nice guy who wooed the ladies. It is much more than that, being a Chivalric individual is not an easy task, and in todays day and age it is even harder. People question motives because it is unlike the norm. Is it outdated? maybe. Is is pointless? absolutely not. Will I continue to live by a solid chivalric code expecting nothing in return? yes.

Chivalry is not a means to an end. Chivalry is not used to achieve a goal. Chivalry is a code that you live by, you can not simply toss it aside when it has gotten you what you want. Then it is not chivalry at all, it is the false impersonation of chivalry we are fed today. Chivalry is dying. Not because women aren't respecting it, but because the individuals who claim to be chivalrous are.

Next time someone wonders if chivalry is dead, next time someone complains to you about how being "chivalrous" doesn't get them the girl. Ask them what it means to be chivalrous, because if they expect something in return they are not being chivalrous. They are being false. It is a difficult concept to accept, doing something expecting nothing in return, but that is what Chivalry is all about. Protecting those who can't protect themselves, going above the normal code for "niceness" in simple matters of everyday life.

Chivalry is not dead. There are individuals who are truly chivalrous, however, it is hard to tell who they are. People mascarade as being chivalrous as a means to and end. That is not chivalry.

/end rant

I apologize in advance for this long post. Just tired of all the crap flung around about Chivalry. There is always a place for it, it will never die so long as humans have a shred of decency in them. Chivalry is necessary and should be perserved. It is about doing what is right simply because, it is right.


Edit: To show exactly what I mean by this, here are the three basic tenets of the chivalric code.
1. Duties to countrymen and fellow Christians: this contains virtues such as mercy, courage, valor, fairness, protection of the weak and the poor, and in the servant-hood of the knight to his lord. This also brings with it the idea of being willing to give one?s life for another?s; whether he would be giving his life for a poor man or his lord.

2. Duties to God: this would contain being faithful to God, protecting the innocent, being faithful to the church, being the champion of good against evil, being generous and obeying God above the feudal lord.

3. Duties to women: this is probably the most familiar aspect of chivalry. This would contain what is often called courtly love, the idea that the knight is to serve a lady, and after her all other ladies. Most especially in this category is a general gentleness and graciousness to all women.
 

Gunner 51

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Personally, I think it to be a better to be a practitioner of chivalry than that of chavalry. (OK, chavalry isn't in the Oxford English Dictionary yet. But I digress.)

Chivalry is a reflection on the practitioner, it implies that he's willing to go the extra mile for you, that he is indeed - a nice and amiable person. Whereas, it's opposite implies that the practitioner is lazy, selfish and couldn't give a flying fox about you.

Given a hypothetical dating scenario - these gents have come to pick you up... Which one would appear to be the more amiable and more lovable?

Chilvilry:

Chavalry:
 

paasi

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As mentioned chivalry is a form of courtship. Every animal has their own courting rituals and being generally nice and selfless is one form of those in humans. Thus chivalry, being sexist and generally not a good idea in every day life, is reserved for your companion only.
 

Gadzooks

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My girlfriend invented She-valry. She was sick of me paying for dinner, and decided she would pay for half of them.

She-valry is awesome.