Poll: Confidence?

[rutger5000]

This one is just out of curiosity.
I needed some advice, but I thought it was rude asking for help but not trying to help others. So I looked through the advice forums, and read about several guys (yes they were all guys)problems, most of them had a similar problem and some of them even confessed this was their problem: They lacked confidence.
Now this might be very personal and subjective. But isn't confidence just a choice? Don't you just choice to be confidence and be prepared to face potential consequences? (Such as rejection?)
Like I said it may be subjective, but to me it's always been like that. And believe me I hardly ever had a good reason to be confident.
Doesn't being confident just mean that you ignore that annoying little voice that tells you you suck, no matter how hard it screams? And isn't ignoring that voice just a choice? I still have plenty of social interactions that make my heart race because of nerves, but I just choice to ignore them and do what I have/want to do.
So tell me what does the rest of humanity thinks of this. Am I alone here, or is this the general opinion.

 

[Valate_v1legacy]

I believe it is a choice, although it is beyond probable that once found(or lost) it is subconciously altered for a rather long time. I think, anyways.

 

[the_pleasure_is_mine]

No I see that completely differently.

If you lack confidence then you are afraid. Fear is something that can be overcome, but not easily.

If you aren't confident in situations then you are scared of the worst thing that can happen, it's not just a voice to ignore.

 

[Talal Provides]

It's all a matter of realizing that every other human being on the face of the Earth is just as fucked-up, insecure, scared and awkward as you are.

 

[Valagetti]

People say I have massive confidence. I work at a retail store usually a several hundred people in it. Over the intercom I do a spiel on the spot on a sale or something. I really don't have confidence, I just don't care what they think.

 

[Colour Scientist]

It's not so much that genuine confidence is a choice but you can choose the way in which you present yourself.
If aren't confident and you go up to a girl or guy showing that you aren't then all you do is highlight your flaws. Whereas if you approach someone with a projected confidence people will react well to it and respond in a similar manner.
Genuine confidence should soon follow.
Basically, just act as though you're the shit.

 

[Lalalarzi]

Asking if we choose confidence, or lack there of, can easily turn into a slippery slope I think, it's like asking can people choose to suffer from a mental illness in a sense.

I personally think you have limited control over such things and a lot of that is to do with acknowledging what the problem is (if you perceive it as a problem at all). If you never realise you lack confidence and go around believing that little voice telling you you suck (after all, it's a part of your own mind), then how would you be able to fight it?

I did find myself in a slump a few months ago and decided to try and be more sociable and confident in myself. I came out feeling better and with better friends but perhaps that was just determination, or luck, or a number of other factors.

 

[Disaster Button]

I don't think its a choice per se, but you can fake it until you get it, depends if you see faking it as having confidence.

Or go through why you're not confident to a musical number and find it.

 

[Blue_vision]

Now this might be very personal and subjective. But isn't confidence just a choice? Don't you just choice to be confidence and be prepared to face potential consequences? (Such as rejection?)

I think this isn't an issue of "confidence" as much as initiative. Someone can have initiative and (say,) ask someone out. They could have the initiative to do that, but have an unconquerable reaction, stuttering or sweating when they come to finally do the deed.

So initiative? Yeah, I'd say it's mainly a thing of choice. But conquering confidence issues or natural reactions to certain situations? Just not decidable.

 

[suitepee7]

a nice test of confidence that i think draws parallel to the concept of confidence being a choice.

take a small object that can be digested. this can be a small sweet, a pill/capsule (obviously only this one if you are ill) and try to swallow it. some will be able to do this easily and without any difficulty, for you i'm sorry but this is much less effective.

however those of you who cannot swallow small objects, why? you know the object is safe, for things like pills you know if you chew them the taste will be unpleasant yet is that the only way to swallow it? you know you CAN swallow it, nothing bad will happen to you, yet as you go to do it, you somehow just can't.

i'm only speaking from personal experience here, this happens to me quite a bit. i have to take a small sip of water, tilt my head back, and wait. and wait. and wait. when the right moment hits, i can swallow, but not before, and if i miss it i have to just swallow the water and take another sip, and wait.

for me, confidence is a subconscious choice, not an active one. events in our lives will determine how confident we are in different situations, but how we react will determine how we deal with future situations similar to this. we can choose to react positively or negatively, but we are only choosing what confidence we CAN have, not how much we use.

 

[SimuLord]

Confidence is a choice. Man up. Even when it's hard as hell to find it, it's still there for the taking---it only gets easier with repeated successes.

 

[Spacelord]

Confidence is accrued from positive experiences and support from others. You can't conjure it up out of thin air. Telling someone who lacks confidence to grow a pair is like telling a depressed person to cheer the fuck up: it may seem obvious from your own point of view but is, ultimately, a pointless endeavour.

 

[Lyx]

It is both: Choice and not choice. One can claim and assume whatever one wants (this is the choice-part), but no matter how well the deception is done, there is always the factor how much of that confidence is "backed" by something true. A well backed confidence will always feel different to oneself and others, than a "blown up balloon"-confidence.

What certainly is choice, is in which direction one seeks to develop. So, even though an initial "push by choice" can be helpful, as long as in the midterm it isn't backed by something, one's confidence will be hollow-inside.

But it isn't just about if it is backed or not, but also "with what?". With this i especially mean if what backs it is something else than oneself. This is closely related to "identity/personality": I could start thinking "my confidence is backed by this powerful tool that i have".

My observation is that people tend to back their confidence with all kinds of stuff that isn't themselves. A lot of people who may seem very confident will quickly go into paranoid defence mode, as soon as you figure out their personal strawman that backs them, and undermine it.

 

[Astoria]

I personally don't really have confidence so I disagree with you. There have been many situations where I have fully intended to ignore my nerves and I just haven't been able to. I think it's just something you out grow in time as I'm finding out now. I have more confidence than I used to and I think it'll keep getting better with time.

 

[Zantos]

You can choose to make yourself appear more confident, but it's nowhere near as effective as someone who just oozes natural confidence.

 

[Pariah87]

I think everyone has the potential to be confident and outgoing, but we're very complex creatures and different things cause different reactions. When it comes to confidence, self esteem or even self respect, we don't chose to lower them, we are led to believe we are not worth as much as another human being.

We take our cues from the most important figures in our life at any given time, starting with our parents, then moving onto our peers as we get older. I've known incredibly overweight people, or ugly people who are incredibly confident, happy and have loads of friends. I have noticed these people have families who have always been supportive and have never made an issue out of things. Comments and bullying from others affect these people less because the core support is there, whatever the rest of the world may think, they have a group who loves them for who they are and doesn't want them to change.

Those with the least confidence (in my experience) are those who don't have this safety net to fall back on. It could be the wa you dress, your intelligence, your size, your sexual orientation, if you get chastised by the people who are supposed to love you regardless for it, what else is a young mind to think than there is something wrong with them.

I was always told by my dad that I wasn't good enough in a lot of ways. Particularly regarding my weight. When this gets reinforced by the outside word, say by rejection or being laughed at by others, it doesn't take long for you to believe that you really are worthless, because you can't measure up to a specific standard. You take out your frustration on yourself, hating yourself even more as a result. Every bad thing that happens is obviously because you're just a shit human being who can't do anything right.

To then go up to a girl and even talk to her, let alone ask her out, when you feel you represent the very worst of humankind, something that no one in their right mind would be happy with, becomes and impossibility. The same applies when going for a job, or in any sort of competition, you don't bother because you really, truely believe that everyone else is better than you.

In a room full of guys, I literally see myself as the worst. I honestly feel that a girl I like the look of would be better off with any one of them rather than me. To say "Man up and grow a pair" is ridiculous because to come round to having a normal view of yourself, years of accidental negative conditioning need to be broken. It can happen, of course it can, but it's not just a snap of the fingers thing.

 

[Uncreation]

I don't see how confidence can be a choice. I think it's a trait, like intelligence, charisma, etc.

 

[Geekosaurus]

I think it's more complicated than yes or no. There's an element of choice in it, but I think it's more than that.