Poll: Confidence?

[JaredXE]

In my personal belief, confidence and self-esteem only exist if you have any actual reason to be confident. Success breeds confidence and if you have no successes under your belt, then of course you feel like you will never accomplish anything.

Pretending confidence when you are really just a loser just doesn't work.

 

[tahrey]

I have a feeling the question's been asked by someone who is naturally very confident and upbeat and can't understand why you wouldn't be, why you would "choose" to be unconfident or downbeat. Kind of like wondering why someone would "choose" to be gay or whatever.

There may be a touch of mental attitude and bravery in it, but there's also a whole lot of intrinsic nature and probably a good globbet of nurture in it. I used to have terrible confidence and depression issues, and though I'm a lot happier with my lot now and don't get complete, subconcious-level, freeze-up stagefright when having to expose myself to others' scrutiny (public speaking, interviews, asking someone out, etc), it's still a hell of a challenge sometimes. Particularly standing up to pushy folk. I seem to have been lumbered with a massively submissive, timid brain that's only had such things reinforced throughout childhood.

Luckily I was both not particularly best pleased with this situation, so eventually forced myself to overcome some of the fear (including somewhat abortive but still useful public speaking night classes), and got in with some better, less poisionous friends as I got older who helped (mostly unwittingly, but not always) build me up a bit. Like I say, it's still not brilliant, I can have trouble finding the guts to hold my own in a heated debate particularly when there are sensitive issues and/or very forthright, highly (over?) confident people on the other side, and kareoke is definitely out of the question unless I'm blind drunk, but it's improving. I have skills and abilities I have confidence and even pride in and friends, hobbies and a place of work with which I can exercise them, whilst trying to work around and not be too crippled by the things I'm worse at - some of which appear to actually have a clinically psychological basis after some testing. It's maybe finding that sense of self-worth, and some rhyme or reason to why it's not everything you'd wish it to be, coming to terms with it and realising it's no worse than most other people's human imperfections, that's the crucial bit.

One small part choice (mainly, the choice to do something about the self-destructive rut you're in, to rise above and make yourself better, which may require others' stimulus to give you the initial kick), one large part built-in awesomeness or crappiness which is either to your advantage, or is a disadvantage to be tackled.


Holy crap that started out as a "wat r u talkin abt l4m3r" weak-ass put down and got very philosophical far too quickly

 

[Pinguin]

Yes-ish. I'd say it's a result of long-term conditioning. It can be changed, but not without a lot of effort and, anachronistically, self-confidence.

 

[Capcom4ever]

It's like a turn it on/turn it off thing. Example: An extremely nervous person can just stop listening to the "No don't do this" impulse but it may give infinite bravery and then you lose your fear of everything. It's just a matter of mental strength to flip that switch. Or some type of life-altering event.

 

[SergeMC]

Confidence is a choice. Just like everything else. And yes, even to live is a choice you have to take. I personally choose to listen to my little voice that screams how much I suck, because without it I would get carried away big time, but that's just me. To blank this voice out is hard, but not impossible.

 

[TehCookie]

Seeing how I have a lack of confidence I don't see it as a choice. Anyone would choose to be confident. Even if I try to act that way as soon as no ones looking I'm shaking from being so nervous. I would love to be confident enough to not have those nervous spasms or worry about what other people think, but that's the way I act and perceive the world and I find that near impossible to change.

 

[loc978]

Lacking confidence in social situations is people caving to fear. Fear of ridicule, rejection, embarrassment... just as lacking confidence in combat is caving to fear of injury and death. Some people are paralyzed in the face by the idea of social rejection the same way many are paralyzed in the face by the idea of people trying to kill them.
It's not an easy thing to overcome in either case, but it can be done. In my case, I overcame my social fears after I realized I had no fear in combat... I don't recommend that method, though. A moment's hesitation is kind of a big deal in combat.

 

[Jedamethis]

Hmm. I don't know. I'm terribly lacking in confidence really, I like to travel in a group because I'm too much of a pansy to do things on my own...but then occasionally if something really needs doing: "Fuck it." And then I do it.


Wow, that's not what I thought when I started typing this post. 0.o
Odd.

[sub]Hmph, the man who despises defeatism and giving up's favourite phrase is "Fuck it."[/sub]

 

[rubinigosa]

I think its a choice but i think its a choice made on feelings. And not a choice made on logic like even if you know that people will not dislike you because you speak to them you can get the felling that maybe just maybe they will.And that can make you lack confidence but if you dismiss those feelings and talk to them any whey you gain confidence.And also people often see confidence as the ability to over come their fears and you get those fears because you are afraid of those situations.

 

[rokkolpo]

Doesn't being confident just mean that you ignore that annoying little voice that tells you you suck, no matter how hard it screams?

No, when truly confident, that voice isn't there.

 

[rutger5000]

I think everyone has the potential to be confident and outgoing, but we're very complex creatures and different things cause different reactions. When it comes to confidence, self esteem or even self respect, we don't chose to lower them, we are led to believe we are not worth as much as another human being.

We take our cues from the most important figures in our life at any given time, starting with our parents, then moving onto our peers as we get older. I've known incredibly overweight people, or ugly people who are incredibly confident, happy and have loads of friends. I have noticed these people have families who have always been supportive and have never made an issue out of things. Comments and bullying from others affect these people less because the core support is there, whatever the rest of the world may think, they have a group who loves them for who they are and doesn't want them to change.

Those with the least confidence (in my experience) are those who don't have this safety net to fall back on. It could be the wa you dress, your intelligence, your size, your sexual orientation, if you get chastised by the people who are supposed to love you regardless for it, what else is a young mind to think than there is something wrong with them.

I was always told by my dad that I wasn't good enough in a lot of ways. Particularly regarding my weight. When this gets reinforced by the outside word, say by rejection or being laughed at by others, it doesn't take long for you to believe that you really are worthless, because you can't measure up to a specific standard. You take out your frustration on yourself, hating yourself even more as a result. Every bad thing that happens is obviously because you're just a shit human being who can't do anything right.

To then go up to a girl and even talk to her, let alone ask her out, when you feel you represent the very worst of humankind, something that no one in their right mind would be happy with, becomes and impossibility. The same applies when going for a job, or in any sort of competition, you don't bother because you really, truely believe that everyone else is better than you.

In a room full of guys, I literally see myself as the worst. I honestly feel that a girl I like the look of would be better off with any one of them rather than me. To say "Man up and grow a pair" is ridiculous because to come round to having a normal view of yourself, years of accidental negative conditioning need to be broken. It can happen, of course it can, but it's not just a snap of the fingers thing.

I get your point, I'm sorry the question was raised in a rude and insensitive way. I know quiet well that people are vulnerable to their surrounding. It takes strength to see yourself in a different light then those around you do, and sometimes it takes too much strength.
I do like to think thought that you are the exception and not the rule

 

[101flyboy]

Confidence is a choice-----to a certain extent. Some people are more naturally confident than others, but you do hold your own cards in basically being assertive and affirming your own individuality and personality, and in general just accepting yourself as you. With that said, your confidence can/will be knocked down if you're in a situation where you put your heart on your sleeve and fail, or something horrible happens like you're beaten by thugs. You'll lose confidence in yourself and your own personal strength, but also you can lose confidence in humanity, which has a direct impact on your self-confidence as well.

 

[rutger5000]

In my personal belief, confidence and self-esteem only exist if you have any actual reason to be confident. Success breeds confidence and if you have no successes under your belt, then of course you feel like you will never accomplish anything.

Pretending confidence when you are really just a loser just doesn't work.

That's the whole point I'm trying to make. For I think that pretending confidence does work! This is something I learned from personal experience. It needs to be combined with honesty, but pretending confidence really helped me in all kinds of situations.
And yeah the success obtained by pretending confidence did breed some actual confidence. But most of my confidence is still pretended.
But perhaps I should clarify further. With confidence I mean feeling at ease in a situation that is alien, problematic or threatening to you. And I felt that I can pretty much choose to feel like that, even though I know fully well that I'm sh*t scarred, or a nervous train wreck.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I think you can choose to try and change it, but you will have to overcome your self doubt which can be incredibly hard. You can choose and succeed to become more confident, but it takes time, effort, and lots of self control, but it's not really a choice in that you can't just say 'right, I'm confident now' and suddenly you will be.

 

[FalloutJack]

It IS a choice and it isn't. You can decide to be confident, but you have to follow-through with the act. Many people get crippled by their own low self-esteem. I have found that spurring the right attitude in some people has helped. It takes some doing, though. Still, I know that some whom I have inspired have turned themselves around.

 

[A3Bf72rVWE5hA]

confidence isn't a choice, but something you're born with. if you lack it, you probably won't ever have it (with some exceptions).

that said, man up and go do whatever it is you're talking about. come on, it can't be that hard./sarcasm

 

[moretimethansense]

Of course it's not a bloody choice!

If it were do you think even one person would choose not to be?

For perspective, be scared, right now!
Not so easy is it?
How about this?
Be happy, angry, horny, conflicted, confused, entertained, amused, bemused or anything?
You simply can't fucking choose how you feel about something, if you could there would be no need for theripists, mood altering drugs and/or entertainment.

 

[moretimethansense]

confidence isn't a choice, but something you're born with. if you lack it, you probably won't ever have it (with some exceptions). that said, man up and go do whatever it is you're talking about. come on, it can't be that hard.

Make up your mind man, can you gain confidence or not?

I say that you can build confidence over time, with sucsessful endevours, but I maintain you can't simply up and decide "I'm gonna be confident today!"

 

[A3Bf72rVWE5hA]

confidence isn't a choice, but something you're born with. if you lack it, you probably won't ever have it (with some exceptions). that said, man up and go do whatever it is you're talking about. come on, it can't be that hard.

Make up your mind man, can you gain confidence or not?

I say that you can build confidence over time, with sucsessful endevours, but I maintain you can't simply up and decide "I'm gonna be confident today!"

I see sarcasm isn't your specialty. I'll be sure to put "/sarcasm" at the end from now on.

 

[rutger5000]

I have a feeling the question's been asked by someone who is naturally very confident and upbeat and can't understand why you wouldn't be, why you would "choose" to be unconfident or downbeat. Kind of like wondering why someone would "choose" to be gay or whatever.

There may be a touch of mental attitude and bravery in it, but there's also a whole lot of intrinsic nature and probably a good globbet of nurture in it. I used to have terrible confidence and depression issues, and though I'm a lot happier with my lot now and don't get complete, subconcious-level, freeze-up stagefright when having to expose myself to others' scrutiny (public speaking, interviews, asking someone out, etc), it's still a hell of a challenge sometimes. Particularly standing up to pushy folk. I seem to have been lumbered with a massively submissive, timid brain that's only had such things reinforced throughout childhood.

Luckily I was both not particularly best pleased with this situation, so eventually forced myself to overcome some of the fear (including somewhat abortive but still useful public speaking night classes), and got in with some better, less poisionous friends as I got older who helped (mostly unwittingly, but not always) build me up a bit. Like I say, it's still not brilliant, I can have trouble finding the guts to hold my own in a heated debate particularly when there are sensitive issues and/or very forthright, highly (over?) confident people on the other side, and kareoke is definitely out of the question unless I'm blind drunk, but it's improving. I have skills and abilities I have confidence and even pride in and friends, hobbies and a place of work with which I can exercise them, whilst trying to work around and not be too crippled by the things I'm worse at - some of which appear to actually have a clinically psychological basis after some testing. It's maybe finding that sense of self-worth, and some rhyme or reason to why it's not everything you'd wish it to be, coming to terms with it and realising it's no worse than most other people's human imperfections, that's the crucial bit.

One small part choice (mainly, the choice to do something about the self-destructive rut you're in, to rise above and make yourself better, which may require others' stimulus to give you the initial kick), one large part built-in awesomeness or crappiness which is either to your advantage, or is a disadvantage to be tackled.


Holy crap that started out as a "wat r u talkin abt l4m3r" weak-ass put down and got very philosophical far too quickly

First of you make it sound easy to choose for confidence, that's not something I claimed. Choosing to be confident is damn hard, but for me a choice never the less.
I don't really see how you are in disagreement with me. You talked about forcing yourself to overcome your fear. Imagine doing that, imagine going to a alone bar where you don't know anybody and sit down with some guys that you don't know and have fun. Imagine going to talk with this girl and asking her out even though you can see no possible reason why she would find you attractive. Imagine yourself starting a new job while you don't feel you could do it properly.
Isn't that choosing to be confident? All the reasons not to do it come from insecurity and self-doubt, when you still choose to do them anyway you choose being confident.
That's how I feel.

And no, for the record I'm not confident about myself at all. I must admit I do have a big "fuck that!!!" mentality. That's more of a thing I don't care about potentially consequences I'll deal with those when the time comes. I wouldn't call that confidence, just chosen stupidity.