Poll: Dumped a girl. Help? Please?

[Nieroshai]

Now here's the thing, and I'm not continuing an OP argument here: I personally believe that while some pain may do some good, causing pain is and always has been an abhorrent thing. I also believe my opinions on sex were phrased in a way that stated that it was my own personal philosophy and not a universal mandate from I, god of this universe. As far as I know, I don't sound judgmental, I just sound like a twat because my sexual opinions don't match the current societal norm (which often ignores psychological issues, sex-related suicides are way up), and thus sound like a religious asshole butthurt by other people having a good time. If I'm wrong, I apologize, but I swear I was not meaning to be confrontational. I don't have a problem with sex, I have a deep-rooted problem with hurting people, and infidelity often (but on rare occasion not always) hurts people deeply.

But did he really cause that pain by breaking up with her? Didn't she cause that pain herself?

Is it fair for him to take responsibility over something like that? He didn't intend for her to get hurt. He'd prevent her from getting hurt if he could, I'm certain.

Someone's usually going to get hurt by relationships in the end. Does that really make any relationship you end a morally grey choice unless you both stick around for so long that you just don't care about each other at all and thus can leave without hurting anyone's feelings?

I'd say the morally white choice is the one that's unafraid to tell hard truths that need to be heard. That's honest and says "I'm sorry but I'm not attracted to you anymore." so that the other party can start moving on instead of getting stuck in a relationship with no future without even knowing it.

And infidelity does hurt people a lot. But there wasn't any case of that here. On the contrary, this guy had the guts to face his angry girlfriend and break up with her to avoid exactly that situation. He didn't cheat on her. He took the flak from his ex and her friends and moved on exactly so that in the future, in a moment of passion with this other girl, he wouldn't betray anyone.

That makes sense, but I guess our definition of "morally gray" differs. A morally white choice is entirely untainted by ethical issues. A morally gray issue can either be an issue where some wrong was done but possibly for a good reason (hurting someone to gain personal happiness), or that there is neither right nor wrong in the issue (reading a magazine while waiting for the dentist). I will say right now that morally gray is not necessarily something to be avoided. If he was deeply unhappy, he was right to move on. Some decisions do not have a morally white response. Spider-man must save the falling bus OR Mary Jane, but either way someone must die by his choice. OP must leave, or else be unhappy and constantly regretting his current relationship. It's morally gray because while it did good for him, it did bad for someone else. One thing that even caused me to bring up the infidelity argument in the first place is my feeling that we don't have the full story. Was he fine with her til the new girl came along, or was he already unhappy? Did his heart want to leave from the beginning, or did his penis decide the grass would be greener? In my experience, there is always more to the story than told, especially when someone wants out of a relationship.

 

[lordmardok]

I'm very much in favour of making decisive choices, honestly whether it was a good idea or not will take time to reveal itself, maybe it will be fine, maybe not, but whatever the outcome I applaud the fact that you had the balls to man up and tell her how you felt and how things were rather than just sitting on it and letting the problem fester. I had a very similar problem and although I ended up taking the opposite route as you, staying with my girlfriend rather than trying to pursue a different relationship, I think the fact that you made the choice decisively and are willing to accept the consequences, whether they are good or bad, says a great deal about your characters.

As for her friends, they're very much in a biased position, of course they're going to lynch you, they're obligated to stand up for their friend and honestly, no matter how you broached the subject, the end result was never going to be pretty. The best you can do is be honest with yourself and your new girlfriend.

So in short: I think you did the right thing and applaud the fact that you did it with honor rather than trying to weasel out of making the decision, there are too few guys left that are capable of that. Good job.

 

[Nieroshai]

I can't answer either way. First, you probably hurt her, and that's a bad thing.

So he should have just stayed with her? No the bad thing to do in a relationship you're not happy in is not end it.

Second, you left her solely for someone prettier.

There's gonna be a lot of you just making stuff up here isn't there? Didn't he say he was happier with the other person? In fact he never mentioned looks, at all. He said he was more attracted to her. Attraction is more than just looks.

Now, since this is a forum, my personal bias. You do not specify if sex was involved, but it can be assumed.

...Can it? How?

That being said, I find it morally repugnant when someone is just fine with casually leaving someone you convinced

Wait now, even if they did have sex who said he convinced her? Women have a say in that. She might even have convinced him.

to give you the most personal thing that can be given.

Sex? Sex isn't the most personal thing. The key difference between a one night stand and a relationship is that in a relationship I'll get to know someone. They'll let me into their lives and share a big piece of themselves with me. With a one night stand I'll never lie there holding them and open up to them. Sex is just a physical act that humans and humans alone have put any weight on.

You done trashing me, or are you going to think about what I said? In my clearly announced personal opinion on relationships?

First, no he shouldn't have stayed just to make her happy, but dumping someone for a better model seems very shallow, especially when his post made it sound like she was just hotter than the old one.
Second, once again, the first thing he even thought to mention was that she was better-looking, and he gave the impression that it was her being hotter that made him happier.
Third, I assume sex is involved because in this decade how can it not? Especially when leaving for someone hotter is a thing? If your girlfriend ever says she wants to see other people, she's already riding a new horse, or else already has a saddle out of the barn.
On this next point, I SPECIFICALLY made it a separate section. Your copy-pasting of my post hides this. My personal opinion is that unless it is agreed in the relationship that sex is a casual thing to her(which for most women it isn't) he violated her trust by deciding she wasn't a good enough mate. And you make a point that only humans care about sex as if that should mean anything. The fact remains that it does mean something, whether you think it should or not. AS I SAID, I don't have the whole story, but I personally feel from the information given that this could've been handled better and that the OP is shallow and had no problem hurting a girl to satisfy his wants. Do whatever you want, I say, but NEVER hurt anyone to do it, unless someone will DIE otherwise.

Nowhere did I "trash" you. I did say you seemed to be assuming a lot, which isn't an insult, you said yourself you don't have the full story.

Really because what I read was he was more attracted to her and that she made him happier to be around. In fact nowhere did he say the new girl was better looking. I already covered that in the "attraction is more than just looks" part of my post.

He never said he left her for someone hotter he said he left her for someone he was more attracted to (which again, involves more than just looks) who made him happier. I've had plenty of relationships without having sex so that's how that can happen in this decade. I never said it's a casual thing I just said it's not the most important part of a relationship or the biggest thing a person can give to someone. People have sex and later break up. Sex is not the be all and end all. As to what you said above, surely putting people above orgasms means that sex isn't the most the most personal gift. As I've said the most personal things to me are not sex related at all. The most personal thing to me is two people opening up to each other and letting each other inside. Sex is just a physical act. I'm not saying this to say you are wrong, just that there are other views of sex, and keeping your opinion on sex separate doesn't change the fact that you included it in the reasons he was in the wrong.

So what should he have done then? I mean I see judgement but I don't actually see you offering anything else.

As opposed to extending this into a wall of text, I'll refer you to my original post, now edited, and the latest in my post with Hagi. At this point, you got the unlucky end of being the third person to quote me on this issue, and also in the way that most appeared to misrepresent me. I apologize for any assumptions about your intent. Reaad the other posts if you wish, they answer your questions to me.

 

[Hagi]

That makes sense, but I guess our definition of "morally gray" differs. A morally white choice is entirely untainted by ethical issues. A morally gray issue can either be an issue where some wrong was done but possibly for a good reason (hurting someone to gain personal happiness), or that there is neither right nor wrong in the issue (reading a magazine while waiting for the dentist). I will say right now that morally gray is not necessarily something to be avoided. If he was deeply unhappy, he was right to move on. Some decisions do not have a morally white response. Spider-man must save the falling bus OR Mary Jane, but either way someone must die by his choice. OP must leave, or else be unhappy and constantly regretting his current relationship. It's morally gray because while it did good for him, it did bad for someone else. One thing that even caused me to bring up the infidelity argument in the first place is my feeling that we don't have the full story. Was he fine with her til the new girl came along, or was he already unhappy? Did his heart want to leave from the beginning, or did his penis decide the grass would be greener? In my experience, there is always more to the story than told, especially when someone wants out of a relationship.

I guess I don't see as the choice between hurting her over the short term (breaking up) or hurting her and yourself both a lot more on the long term (staying together even though you clearly don't want to) qualifies as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

I mean every decision you make is going to do bad for someone else. Every time I go shopping groceries I'm making other people wait in line. I'm spending that money on myself instead of dying African children. I'm polluting the environment with the packaging of my products. etc.

I still can't really think of grocery shopping as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

As for the full story, we don't know the full story. It's useless to speculate. The OP asked for advice given the details he provided. It's useless to provide advice based on your own speculation. In the end, I don't believe it's our place to speculate and judge.

 

[Kriptonite]

More power to you for being honest and not cheating. I have NO respect for those that cheat. At all. Under any circumstances. Ever. So, you did right, at least in my opinion.
As long as you weren't a complete tool in the way you broke the news to her.

I've always felt that if at least one person isn't happy in a relationship, it's not fair to either.

As for the full story, we don't know the full story. It's useless to speculate. The OP asked for advice given the details he provided. It's useless to provide advice based on your own speculation. In the end, I don't believe it's our place to speculate and judge.

Also, this person has it right on the money!

 

[KingofallCosmos]

Yes.
Now burn in hell for making me read another teenage drama story.

Have a nice day

 

[DugMachine]

I don't see the problem. How else are you supposed to end relationships? At least you didn't bullshit her and give he excuses like "It's not you it's me." You told her you're attracted to someone else, you move on, she moves on and the world keeps on turning. Don't worry what her friends think, it's pretty much expected of them to treat you like shit for dumping her.

 

[lord.jeff]

I can't say more information is needed, how long did you know each girl? Your gonna meet a lot of people who are fun for a day, or fun for a year, or whatever, and to tell you the most of the people you fall for are gonna fall into this category, so be careful when dating especially if it means closing another door.

 

[drummond13]

All of her friends no longer like you now that you dumped her friend?

I'm very confused, were you surprised by this?

 

[132635]

Gonna clear up some more!!! Not dating Girl B publicly at this point, just between us two. I knew Girl B from about August last year. Girl A I met during that summer. Girl A wasn't pregnant, and sex was NOT involved. She claimed to have loved me, but I have doubts on that. Being 15, people suspect us to throw I love you around like its nothing. I however don't, and didn't return what she had claimed. Its not as if I did this for the shits or giggles either, I was legitimately way less happy with Girl A

 

[132635]

Well, I was dating a girl since December, but yesterday, Monday the blah blah. I decided on the way to school that I was going to end it. I had fallen for another girl. Now, she didn't "seduce me" into taking her over my current date. I was just more attracted to her, and generally happier when I was with her. I told my (ex) girlfriend that I had feelings for other people. She knew who I meant. Immediately, all of her friends who tolerated me as the Mr. Nice Guy lynched me. All my guy friends told me I did what was right. So, my fellow Escapists, is what I did wrong? Should I feel angry over my choices?

What you did wrong was not ending the first relationship when you began to suspect you weren't committed to it. Jumping from one relationship into another looks like sketchy timing, and they probably assume there was some infidelity involved.

Try to think more about how your actions effect other people.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

*snip*

*snippety*

Your attempts to dodge this by saying it isn't so bad ignore some things. First, since when is causing harm a good thing? Yes people should get over being hurt, but that doesn't make it right to hurt people. If this excuse was viable, it would be perfectly legal to go around punching people. They'll get better. Second, your opinions of sex are just that: opinion. Likely, "she" believed sex was just between them and felt used. You are ignoring her needs and wants in every aspect of this, saying basically that she should suck it up and would benefit from becoming a slut. What about her feelings here? She probably feels deeply violated!

I wasn't saying she SHOULD become a slut, I'm just saying a lot of people choose that path, it was a disconnected statement sorta related to the topic... Also, if you haven't noticed LIFE IS A STRING OF DISSAPOINTMENTS in fact a great deal of real life is situations shitting all over you, people being insensitive pricks and assholes, and nothing you do can change that, it's better to get used to that early, that not everything works out, not everything is bright and beautiful and not everything goes your way, this is a lot different than punching people, don't make that connection, incidental emotional pain is far different than random acts of physical violence.

Also he never said anything about cheating on her, how do you know he did? I'm sorry to burst your bubble of moral superiority here, but dumping someone to be with someone else who you are more compatible with is FAR FAR FAR FAR better than living in a situation where you know you won't be happy, and thus cannot make your partner happy... She will find someone else, hell in life as a girl ALL YOU HAFTA DO IS EXIST and someone will want you... Don't get all butthurt on behalf of someone who will likely forget about the whole thing a couple weeks from now.

Also "Deeply violated" is a term more appropriate for rape or assault, than being dumped... I'm almost offended by your connection of such a severe turn of phrase to such a mundane every day occurance...

 

[Commissar Sae]

You probably could have broken it to her with a little more tact, but honestly you made the right choice. My roomate stayed in limbo for way too long with his last girlfriend to the point where he was pretty much splitting his time between two girls. Honestly while it worked out for him in the end (beakup with first girl was mutual) it had a lot of chance to messily explode in his face.

Breakups suck for everyone involved, but they are sometimes a necessity. I probably wouldn't have admitted having feelings for someone else though, since that usually hits pretty hard.

 

[smithy_2045]

edit:
Also, a question to the people who say "you could've handled this better": can I ask how? Unless that's a long-distance relationship thing or anything he can flat-out keep secret(which it really didn't sound like it was, considering his old girl knew who this was), what could he have done?

IMO, dumping someone and immediately getting into a relationship with someone else isn't cool. That's what it boils down to for me.

As opposed to staying in a relationship you don't want to be in?

Or opposed to dumping her without giving her a reason, waiting for your ex to get over you(which can take a long time), and then getting together with the person you specifically dumped your girlfriend for?

Or to plainly cheating?

That's the only other solutions I see. The first one is something nobody with a sliver of self-respect should ever do to themselves. The second one will probably cause you to lose both girls, thus you end up shooting yourself in the foot. The third one is self-explanatory why you shouldn't do.
Again, what other solutions are there?

I would've gone with a couple of weeks without entering into the new relationship. I wouldn't specifically say it's because I found a new girl, rather I would've said something along the lines of it's not working out, with a couple of specific reasons why. If the new girl is any good, she will be willing to wait a couple of weeks. If she can't wait, the potential relationship was doomed before it started. But that's just my take on it, I'm not really an expert when it comes to relationships.

 

[Fleetfiend]

I think that what you did was fine. The other girl makes you happier? Then you should have the right to be with her instead. Especially since you aren't married or anything...

Personally, I think it's better to end it as soon as you want to end it rather than dragging it out. Dragging it out just makes it harder and more painful for all parties involved.

 

[Carbonyl]

If you had stayed in a relationship you were not happy in, and tried to fake it, you would have been doing the wrong thing. Telling her the truth and attempting to make the unpleasant but necessary decision to leave the relationship before it had a chance to become emotionally unhealthy was the responsible thing, even if it isn't the nice thing. You made a choice to be honest and responsible, even if you don't feel like you're being the good guy, because some part of you feels like the reasons you gave were not good enough, or selfish. Her friends' reactions are immature, but understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[Nieroshai]

That makes sense, but I guess our definition of "morally gray" differs. A morally white choice is entirely untainted by ethical issues. A morally gray issue can either be an issue where some wrong was done but possibly for a good reason (hurting someone to gain personal happiness), or that there is neither right nor wrong in the issue (reading a magazine while waiting for the dentist). I will say right now that morally gray is not necessarily something to be avoided. If he was deeply unhappy, he was right to move on. Some decisions do not have a morally white response. Spider-man must save the falling bus OR Mary Jane, but either way someone must die by his choice. OP must leave, or else be unhappy and constantly regretting his current relationship. It's morally gray because while it did good for him, it did bad for someone else. One thing that even caused me to bring up the infidelity argument in the first place is my feeling that we don't have the full story. Was he fine with her til the new girl came along, or was he already unhappy? Did his heart want to leave from the beginning, or did his penis decide the grass would be greener? In my experience, there is always more to the story than told, especially when someone wants out of a relationship.

I guess I don't see as the choice between hurting her over the short term (breaking up) or hurting her and yourself both a lot more on the long term (staying together even though you clearly don't want to) qualifies as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

I mean every decision you make is going to do bad for someone else. Every time I go shopping groceries I'm making other people wait in line. I'm spending that money on myself instead of dying African children. I'm polluting the environment with the packaging of my products. etc.

I still can't really think of grocery shopping as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

As for the full story, we don't know the full story. It's useless to speculate. The OP asked for advice given the details he provided. It's useless to provide advice based on your own speculation. In the end, I don't believe it's our place to speculate and judge.

Good points all, I think we have a decent middle ground. I suppose it isn't our place to speculate, and that may be my ultimate problem: my background makes me feel that speculation is necessary because the situation (presumably) can't be that simple. We were asked a simple question, and I probably read in too far. Handshake?

 

[Hagi]

Good points all, I think we have a decent middle ground. I suppose it isn't our place to speculate, and that may be my ultimate problem: my background makes me feel that speculation is necessary because the situation (presumably) can't be that simple. We were asked a simple question, and I probably read in too far. Handshake?

Handshake it is .

Nice talking to you and I wish you a good day (or night) further.