Poll: Is grinding with another person of the opposite sex considered cheating?

[Qizx]

So recently I got into a bit of an argument with my girlfriend when I found out that on a recent trip she took she had gone to clubs and went "dancing." Now I later find out a week into the trip that she had been grinded on/with a few guys. I was pretty confused and annoyed, even a little angry to hear this, which prompted her to tell me "It's not really a big deal, people in relationships grind with other people all the time!" Now This struck me as completely crazy, and I personally wouldn't even think of grinding on another woman. So I posed this question to two of my closest buddies and they agreed with me, however they come from a similar area to where I grew up so I wanted a larger poll. She argues that it's nothing sexual, and that it's just how people dance nowadays. I claim it is actually very sexual, as it's one person rubbing their junk on another persons posterior. So I pose the question: Is it cheating to grind with someone?
For discussion's sake: How would you deal with this situation if you found out your significant other had done this? Have you been in similar scenarios? And would you grind on someone knowing they had a significant other.
EDIT: For the sake of argument assume opposite gender etc is same gender in the case of a homosexual couple.
EDIT 2: Sorry for any typos/errors, it's quite late and English isn't my first language.
MAJOR UPDATE: She does feel bad for how it made me feel, and did say that she wouldn't go out of her way to dance with a guy, but when she goes to clubs it "just happens." She can push one guy away and another guy will immediately try,to grind on her. Not what I would call reassuring but take it as you will.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

I'd argue that it is sexual, and the question as to whether or not it's cheating involves whether or not she went along with it and what her mindset was. It /is/ the way people dance these days, but it's the way people dance in the kind of club you go to when you're looking for a one night stand. Context is everything.

Captcha: light sleeper

Does it count as being a light sleeper if you tend to go to bed when the sun goes up? Going to bed with the morning light and so on.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

It's not cheating, but then again, to me nothing is cheating short of actually sleeping with someone else. That said, it is definitely sexual, and I would consider it very disrespectful to you and your relationship.

 

[Eddie the head]

It's diffidently sexual, but I wound't call it cheating. I mean people are people, I would just forgive and forget. If you are bothered by it let her know, but if she didn't see it cheating I wouldn't either.

 

[shrekfan246]

Well, I dunno, when you're grinding with someone I suppose you do tend to spend a lot of time with them...

Oh. Oh wait.

We're not talking about video games, are we?

More seriously, I don't think I'd say it qualifies as cheating if it didn't go any further. That being said, it's certainly got sexual connotations and is probably something I would get angry about were I to find out my hypothetical girlfriend had been doing it.

 

[Wraith]

I went with the 'No it's sexual but not cheating' option. It is a very sexual dance in itself. Like you said you are pretty much rubbing private parts on another person. It's practically a standing lap-dance, but I believe context is everything. If my girlfriend did it just to dance, then I can see it as just harmless fun. But if me and her are having a rough patch in our relationship, and she seems so defensive about the topic, then some red flags will go off, because like someone else said, in clubs where that type of dancing is allowed, people usually go to find a temporary partner.

I have to ask though, why exactly did this make you upset. Is there some type of trust issue in your relationship? Is there a rough area in your relationship right now, that is making you question the reasoning behind her dancing with other guys? Or are you like me and get slightly insulted when another guy gets too touchy on your girl? Ha ha! The reason I ask is because I would like a little more context on why you felt it wasn't just for dancing?

 

[mecegirl]

I wouldn't consider it cheating because that is how people dance now days. But the dance is has sexual connotations so I can understand why it could bother you. Since it bothers you, you should ask her not to do it again (Of course you still need to reflect on why it bothers you just to make sure that you aren't being overtly jealous. It is still just a dance after all).

Every relationship sets its own boundaries. If you have never spoken to her before about how you feel about the topic, how was she supposed to know? She most likely did it innocently enough and assumed that it would not bother you.

 

[LetalisK]

Go grind on some other chicks and see how she reacts. I'm not kidding, go do it. It's not a big deal, right?

You'll quickly find out she forgot the "as long as I'm the one doing it" part in that retarded excuse.

As for how to handle it, if it's a casual relationship there really isn't much you can do about since it's casual for a reason, but ask her not to tell you about the other stuff she does. That will end what should be a fun little fling faster than anything. If it's serious you might want to reassess how much you value this relationship vs how much she does. If she doesn't value it enough to take into consideration your concerns and is not willing to try then it ain't going to last and you might as well cut bait now.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

Big question; would she do it in front of you? If the answer is no, she feels guilty and probably considers it cheating.

The first question is usually a good base line to work with. However, we already know her answer; she doesn't feel being sexual with another person as long as it's dancing is cheating. I wonder how she feels about the horizontal mombo then.

But here's the real question, are you going to ignore the obvious disrespect she has toward your emotions? Granted you two probably never had a discussion regarding dancing/grinding so you can't really bring that to the discussion (beyond actually requiring a discussion about it now that it's happened). But your reaction was clear. She did something you did not like, and (I assume) do not wish her to do again. So the real question for her; is she going to respect your position and emotional needs?

I suggest you have a discussion about clear boundaries. While she has every right to disagree with your arbitrary lines (not in a negative light, we all have them), you have the right to a girlfriend that respects them.

And while I can't comment regarding the severity of the instance, even though it's clear it's up there for you, I can assure you that people in relationships don't just go around "grinding on other people all the time". Personal behaviors make a poor reference for generalized statements like that.

I mean, cheating, no big deal right? People in relationships do it all the time!

 

[Abomination]

I would dump her immediately. If she can't see how you might be concerned with her rubbing her genitals against another male's genitals then I can't see this being a very successful relationship.

Maybe she'll grow out of the need to do such things.

It's not cheating, but it certainly should be something she's willing to stop doing because you're uncomfortable with it. If she isn't willing then you've got the perfect excuse to dump her "She couldn't stop rubbing guys nuts all over her ****".

 

[DugMachine]

I wouldn't break up with my girlfriend over it but that would definitely upset me. You're rubbing your genitals over another person's as a "dance". Only thing separating the two from fucking is some pants.

I don't care that my girlfriend has guy friends, I trust her enough, and I'd trust her enough to not shag a dude she met on the dance floor after some "grinding" but it still makes me uncomfortable and I'd ask her to never do it again seeing as I'd never think of grinding on a girl (or going to a club for that matter) while in a relationship.

 

[Caiphus]

Well, what is cheating? If she knew it was something that would definitely piss you off, then yeah I guess it is cheating?

Cheating, to me at least, is breaking the rules of a relationship that the two parties have agreed upon. If you're in a polygamous relationship, then even sex isn't cheating. So it depends on where you draw the line. I know I would be slightly miffed in OP's situation.

So yeah, if she did it thinking it was innocent (not entirely sure how she might reach that conclusion but yeah) and then apologised afterwards and promised not to do it again, that would probably be fine. Her lack of empathy with you seems to suggest that she doesn't really give a toss. So fuq dat, OP.

Edit: Also, is it the way people dance these days? I must be going to the wrong clubs.

 

[Jux]

It's sexual, and whether it's cheating or not is all in context. In this case, I think it was cheating. From the way you describe it, she wasn't up front with you about it, which makes me think she was trying to hide it. When confronted about it, she tried to rationalize it, instead of trying to see your side of it, or apologizing for not respecting the relationships boundaries. As another poster said, how would she feel if you were grinding on another woman?

If, on the other hand, you had spoken with her before hand and discussed what you felt the agreed boundaries of the relationship were and grind dancing was agreed by both of you, then it would not be cheating.

As for my own response, if you can't agree with her whether grind dancing should be within the boundary of the relationship, and she isn't willing to stop that with other guys, then it would be a deal breaker for me. Relationships are built on trust, if there is no trust, whats the point?

 

[Sabitsuki]

I'm in line with the popular stance here. It isn't exactly cheating, but it is absolutely sexual.

This behavior clearly bothers you, and rightfully so. She needs to be able to understand that these actions are disrespectful to you. Perhaps, to her, it was an innocent act. Maybe she doesn't really see the problem with it herself. She is going to have to respect your feelings about it though, because if she continues to do this and it continues to eat at you, you're basically just setting yourselves up for disaster.
A discussion about boundaries is absolutely necessary.

I'll just throw this out here too. Even if 'people in relationships grind on other people all the time' is true, it's entirely pointless. Your relationship should not be defined by other people's relationships.

Personally I would be very upset if something like this happened in my relationship. Though this is also because me and my girlfriend have both already thoroughly discussed boundaries, so there would really be very little ambiguity about the situation. So if she did go ahead and grind on someone, it would be a rather blatant disregard for my feelings. Especially if she tried to tell me it wasn't sexual, which is a rationalization I would feel utterly patronized by. Because of this, I would likely abandon the relationship right quickly if an end wasn't immediately put to it, since it would be quite apparent that my feelings are no longer important.
Happy to say I've never had something like this happen to me.

 

[mad825]

"It's not really a big deal, people in relationships grind with other people all the time!"

Sounds to me that she's making excuses, I would just get mad over the fact she said that.

 

[MHR]

It's not cheating but it's a pretty big lack of respect for your feelings.

What I would do is some sort of manly thing to demand her respect without making it seem like I cared too much. I'm not a terribly manly man though so not too much comes to mind. My first thought was the silent treatment but that's exactly what a woman would do, so you see my dilemma.

What does come to mind is to shamelessly eye up other chicks and then ask her what the big deal is if she says anything. Her grinding on guys is fine but you cant check-out an ass? If she argues after that just ignore her. Manliness!

Would I grind on some girl knowing they had a significant other? Sure why not unless he's right there in the room or I knew they were large and had a temper. I like grinding on hot chicks and if that's enough to ruin their whole relationship it would have been a ridiculously weak one anyway.

 

[Amakusa]

I wouldn't call it cheating since cheating would involve some sort of sex act. Oral etc etc. But it's sexual and it's up to you if your comfortable with your other engaging in grinding.

 

[Norithics]

As someone who thinks that 'cheating' is a weird, possessive concept that ill-fits the realities of our tendencies and capacity as a species, I think it has every possibility of being completely fine. In all reality, the reason why cheating is so harmful is not the sexual content, but the fact of someone you love being dishonest or distrustful. That, in any context, is not acceptable for someone who is supposed to be your main subject of affection... but it's only through a strange and primitive continuation of the "Only I get mating rights" vestige of instinct that this applies to sexuality whole cloth.

My SO of over a decade and I went through this ourselves, actually. The first couple of years were rife with anxieties about the realities of the sexual mind versus what we viewed as necessary for a healthy relationship. After a long time talking about it, however, we realized that all of the rules we were using were assumptions that society piled on us- not rules we had come up with on our own. When we actually sat down and figured it out, we realized that the sex thing didn't bother either of us. It could be bothersome if one of us was engaging in dangerous, unsafe sex, but that's about safety, and comes from the same direction that "be careful and drive safe" does. It could be hurtful if one of us started spending all of our time with someone else, but that was more about attention and affection and giving each other what we needed than it was about sexual possessiveness.

In the end, we figured out the rules that worked with our relationship. Would they work for yours? Maybe, maybe not. But I do know that we only figured it out after having an honest discussion that threw out what everybody ELSE thought in favor of what worked for us. Do that.

 

[ShipofFools]

Any sort of erotic contact counts as cheating for me, mate.

 

[Lieju]

Whether it's sexual depends on the culture and people involved.
And whether it's cheating depends on what kind of lines you draw in your relationship.
I know couples who would not consider even sex with other people cheating, because they have agreed that their relationship is open.

Would she be okay with you doing it with other people?

I wouldn't call it cheating if she had no idea you would be upset, but you probably should have a discussion about it.