Poll: Is it rude to tell people "please don't talk to me"?

[happyninja42]

It depends on how you are saying it.

If you are interrupting them mid-sentence and saying something in a very brusk, rude tone, then yeah, of course it's going to come across as rude. If you just cut them off with "please don't speak to me", and then just ignore them, the fact that you said "please" doesn't offset the rest of the statement, and the feeling behind it.

Now, if you are at least being polite enough to wait until they stop speaking, and say something like "Sir/maam, I'm sorry but I just really don't feel like talking right now, and would like to be left alone, thank you" or "I'm sorry but I just don't care to discuss that topic right now, and would like to be alone, thank you." Or something along that line, then no, I wouldn't say that you were being rude. They still might get offended, as people are touchy that way, but I would say that in those cases you did your best to be polite about it.

The method you stated above, of just directly saying "please don't talk to me", is indeed, a very effective way to stop a conversation, but it doesn't sound very polite, at least not the way you stated it.

I'm not voting because your question as presented in the poll, is very different from what you are asking in the subject line, and the body of your thread. Simply saying "is it rude to tell someone you don't want to talk" is too vague, it all depends on context and presentation.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

If you don't mind being thought of as rude, anti-social and a bit weird, then go for it. Do what the hell you want.

If you don't want people to look at you in a negative light there are many ways to remain being polite, curteous and not leaving other people left feeling shitty because you couldn't be bothered to be a decent person.

If in doubt, always consult the Debretts guide to etiquette.
This has everything one should know about face-to-face interactions.

 

[kasperbbs]

Yes, that is rude. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but i have never seen anyone say 'get out of my face, i don't want to talk to you' and then consider themselves to be polite because they also said 'please'. At least put a little lie into it, like i'm busy and i don't have time to chat.

 

[HardkorSB]

Please, don't type to us (turns around and walks away).

 

[DrownedAmmet]

I'm as introverted as anyone, but if you plan on living around other people and not alone in a cave, I think you need to make some concessions. I used to hate small talk with a passion (like, fuck you lady I don't give a shit about the weather.) But now, I don't mind it as much. Yeah, people like to talk about the weather, the weather effects us all, and it's good to have some common ground.

But, if you do really not want to be bothered, try doing things like reading a book or putting headphones in to send a message to people that you don't want to be interacted with now. I had to spend a week holiday in a small house with half a dozen people, and that alone saved me a few nights. I don't try to rely on stuff like that, but I use it for when I need a break sometimes

 

[Buckets]

If you said it that way then yes. As suggested, headphones work just fine. Or just nodding, giving short answers usually works. They soon get bored and annoy someone else.

 

[Zen Bard]

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

As others have said, there are probably better ways to convey that message. Example:

I was on a long flight once where I had to go to a meeting right after landing. It was one of "those days" where nothing had gone right and all I wanted to do was catch some Zs so I could be fresh for the meeting. Before takeoff, a loud, boisterous gentleman sat next to me and immediately started up a conversation.

I prefaced my statement with "I don't mean to be rude, but..." and then I explained my situation and how I just wanted to sleep through the flight. Funny thing, he was perfectly understanding and happy to oblige. Even wished me good luck at the meeting.

Look, here's the thing: I am, by the clinical definition, and introvert. And there are times where I just don't want to be bothered. But also share this planet with seven billion other people, so sometimes it's not all about what I want.

That's why there are such things as manners and tact. These are methods that enable you to interact openly and honestly with your fellow man without negatively impacting their perception of you.

On the other hand, if you truly "don't like most people", why do you care if people think you're rude?

 

[Lufia Erim]

Yes, that is rude. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but i have never seen anyone say 'get out of my face, i don't want to talk to you' and then consider themselves to be polite because they also said 'please'. At least put a little lie into it, like i'm busy and i don't have time to chat.

But why should i have to lie? Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

 

[Banana Cannon]

The obvious answer in this age of Pathological Altruism, where concern for other people is an obvious agent of such a mindset? Hell to the yes! Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. At most points, it can be said on people who you actually can't stand. At other intervals, it'd be something you've said when you really can't deal with just about anyone at that given time. Such as when you've gotten quite a shock, something like bad news.

Now, the question of what dictates you saying that to people? There's the golden question, the answer of which may be far more valuable!

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

I nod my head and perform all the usual autonomic body language of someoe 'listening' even after they stop talking. That way I come off less rude, and more unhinged. I don't know to be honest. See, the reason why I like my method is nobody is really hurt, and they don't want to talk to me.

Which is kind of a win-win. From the standpoint it's also incredibly efficient, given people tend to rank 'rudeness' as better gossip material than merely some weird person they tried to talk to. Primarily because if ayone relays the story to another person, the first question their friends are goig to ask is; "So why'd you want to talk to them in the first place?" Particularly if they embellish the weirdness of it.

It's hard to make this gel, for instance;

"This weird person listened to me weirdly."

The thing is that body language and etiquette change depending on the environment. Not every environment is well-suited to my 'be weird but not entirely offputting' approach. Sometimes a stern; "Please, not interested" is needed.

 

[Loonyyy]

But why should i have to lie?

Because these are your choices:

Humour them.

Convince them that while you would like to humour their conversation, you are unable to because of circumstance.

If you are unwilling to humour them, you have communicated that they are, as a human being, not worth your time. To get all deep and philosophical: That really is one of the worst things that you can express to another human. That they aren't worth your consideration. Hence why your options are either to do so, or convince them that you would do so, but are unable.

Hence: "Sorry, I'm busy" *Respond in foreign language*.

The alternative is to be rude. Communicating to someone that they are not worth your time is inescapably rude. Being rude isn't exactly the end of the world, and in fact, it accurately describes your behaviour. You are a person who is rude to strangers. That is the choice that you have made.

Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

And that is what is rude. That you aren't interested in considering them. And it is a perfectly acceptable choice to be rude.

Honestly, it sounds like you just want to be rude, and not have to live with the label of rude. You don't need to take any additional connotations of the word. You're not the sort of rude that says "Fuck off" to strangers. You're the sort who refuses to humour an old lady's desire for conversation. You're the sort of rude that feels good about crushing another person reaching out for human contact with a catchphrase, as if people are a puzzle or obstacle, rather than human beings.

If you can't live with being rude, then the onus is on you to change your behaviour.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

Not caring about what others have to say is rude.

And I might ask, why you've come to an online forum to ask this? We are by definiton, random strangers. You've been told, that the way you go about your goal is rude, and how to fix that. And you refuse this. So it seems your goal is to be rude, because you refuse to take the basic step to sugar coat your rudeness.

And perhaps, would you have found it frustrating if we didn't respond? If not a single person ever responded to you?

To extend an olive branch: I am a rude person. I have poor social skills, and a burgeoning anxiety disorder, and I was always poorly socialised. So I'm often rude, and I can accept that is what I'm being. But I also try my best to tolerate others, and in the absence of aggravation, be kind to them, because it's what I'd want in return. I feel very awkward talking to strangers, but I'll always offer them a jumpstart if their car isn't working, give them directions if they ask, the time if I have it, or if they want some conversation, I'll go along. On the other hand, if I feel people are infringing on me, I have no problem with cursing at them, gesturing rudely, and doing my best to fuck up their day, and I can be pretty blunt about being pissed off at people. And some people genuinely merit a rude response.

For instance, the other day, I was in another state, on my way to a concert, and I found myself in a bar with a couple of hours to kill. I set myself up with book and beer, and was reading, when a man came over and asked me what the book was. Now this is a stupid, silly question. Anyone can read the title of a book, and obviously someone reading wants to read. But I humoured him, answered his question, participated in his small talk for a couple of minutes, and continued reading. I didn't go to any lengths to continue the conversation, I felt awkward and strange, and yes, I probably would have rather read my book. But that's a horrible thing: That the amusingly contorted words of a drug addled wannabe revolutionary were of more interest to me than the actual human being in front of me. That's what you don't want to communicate.

If you want to keep behaving as you are, you are going to continue to be rude. If you don't want to be rude, you must change. You're looking for affirmation of your behaviour, not to be critical of yourself. That will never improve you.

 

[Qizx]

Yes, that is rude. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but i have never seen anyone say 'get out of my face, i don't want to talk to you' and then consider themselves to be polite because they also said 'please'. At least put a little lie into it, like i'm busy and i don't have time to chat.

But why should i have to lie? Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

The same reason I don't tell someone who asks "how do I look" that they look like shit (assuming they do for some reason).
For the same reason I don't say what I REALLY think of you or your threads.

You may think that it's "aloof" and "cool" or something but it's just being plain rude and an ass. To quote George Costanza...
WE'RE LIVING IN A SOCIETY!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usN3rpfFoGA

 

[crimson5pheonix]

Kinda, but strangers initiating conversation with you under the assumption that you want to talk to them is rude as well. It's a rude rude world.

 

[kasperbbs]

Yes, that is rude. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but i have never seen anyone say 'get out of my face, i don't want to talk to you' and then consider themselves to be polite because they also said 'please'. At least put a little lie into it, like i'm busy and i don't have time to chat.

But why should i have to lie? Most of the responses are telling me to say I'm busy or to put headphones on. Which is not true. I'm not busy , i just don't want to speak to strangers.

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

You don't have to lie, but don't be upset if people think badly of you for that. You can say that you are not comfortable with speaking to strangers, but then people will probably think that you're weird or something. I don't see any solutions for your problem. And it would be nice if there was, i had to listen to a coworker for 5 minutes today because i didn't know how to politely get out of that pointless conversation.

 

[Senare]

"Rude" is a complicated word to me. It essentially means the opposite of being polite, which in turn implies that you spare people's feelings when you communicate with them. This is often done by cultural norms - etiquette.
What is rude or not depends on opinion. It depends on what people take offence at. Since this can be codified at a cultural level, you can get a sense for what is rude or not by learning the etiquette of a given culture.

However, I want to make it clear that your wish to not speak to strangers is just as valid a feeling as someone feeling that the way you say it is rude. So it may be worth considering that even if you are considered rude, it may still not mean that you were doing a "bad" thing. You have no inherent obligation to listen to people talking to you. The question is rather - do you want to spare other peoples' feelings? You don't have to, but it can be useful to do so.

If you want to spare a person's feelings you will have to use social skills. This varies from person to person, from culture to culture.
One way is to rephrase yourself to a degree that is acceptable in your culture, or to that person. This does not have to include white lies. An elaborate and genuine explanation, with proper tonality and body language, should be enough in a lot of situations. The effort you put into the elaboration, tonality and body language can sub-communicate that you willingly expend a little extra effort for this person, implying that you find them (and their feelings) valuable - even if you really don't wish to talk right now.

tl;dr: Rudeness is opinion and about sparing feelings. You are not "bad" because you are rude, but people may think so. Employ social skills to appear polite.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Yes, that is rude. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but i have never seen anyone say 'get out of my face, i don't want to talk to you' and then consider themselves to be polite because they also said 'please'. At least put a little lie into it, like i'm busy and i don't have time to chat.

But why should i have to lie?

So you don't come across as rude.

 

[Phasmal]

Yes, that's rude.

Personally, I hate being talked to by strangers as well, although apparently I have a knack for attracting strangers who want to talk at me while I'm waiting for a bus.
But unfortunately due to social context and basic politeness, people like me have to just put up and shut up. I find nodding and smiling works a lot, or bringing a book/phone and staying glued to that.

No offence to extroverts, but they're tiring, and while I'll never understand the urge to just go up to a random stranger and start talking to them, I'll always endeavour to be polite about it when it happens to me.

 

[Lufia Erim]

As for those asking why do care if I'm rude. By goal isn't to be rude, my end goal is to not have to humor random strangers by pretending i care what they have to say to me.

The thing is, your end goal may not be to be rude, but you do kind of have to be rude in order to achieve your end goal. Not caring what other people have to say and not wanting to suffer the extremely minute inconvenience of someone attempting polite conversation with you is kind of rude by definition. The polite thing to do would be to simply listen idly, maybe smile and nod, maybe give some passing comment in return. In other words, it would take no more effort on your part than saying "please don't talk to me" does. The rude thing to do would be to tell them to stop talking, because no matter how politely you try to flower it up, it's still shutting down their attempt at social interaction simply because you cannot stand to suffer having to listen to someone speak. It is still flat out saying to them that you find so little value in them as a human being that you cannot stand to hear their voice.

Yes, there are even more rude/offensive ways to express that sentiment than the way you expressed it, but that doesn't change the fact that the mere expression of that sentiment in any form is, in and of itself, rude if there is no reason to express it beyond the simple fact that you don't care to hear what they have to say. If, however, your attention is occupied by something else and they distract you from it by attempting to talk to you, telling them that you are in the middle of something and cannot engage them right now would not be rude, as in that case, it would either be rude of them to have interrupted you in the first place, or if an honest mistake on their part, rude of them to attempt to continue interrupting what you were doing to talk to you.

That makes sense. I assumed being rude meant purposely being nasty just for the sake of it. I really liked your explanation

 

[Poetic Nova]

Not any less rude than just litterally putting both earplugs in your ears to listen to music and drown out everything else. Which I admittedly do.