Poll: Online Dating - What's The Biggest Challenge/Obstacle/Problem?

[MeatMachine]

I?m going to keep this short and sweet, because I?m more interested in hearing what everyone has to say about online dating as a whole rather than just throwing my own 2 cents out there.

Online dating is a fantastic idea and caters to a desire that an overwhelming majority of people crave at some point in their life: romantic companionship. Mix in the promise of instantaneous convenience that everyone loves about the internet, and you?ve got yourself a powerful goddamn industry. However, (and many may argue against this,) building a mutually-attractive relationship is something that takes time, effort, and initiative, and is inherently a very risky and unsure practice that may not yield favorable results? or worse, may devastate someone?s self-esteem. It seems like a completely dichotomous way of behaving: wrapping up what is naturally a slow, uncertain, methodical practice into a fast, convenient, approachable barrage of options. Yet somehow, this only seems to be the surface of the large list of huge problems and obstacles that plagues modern online dating. In this poll, I could easily list 6 nearly insurmountable other issues with the process of online dating right off the top of my head, but I?m sure there?s even more out there that people have run into when trying it out themselves.

So, what do you guys/girls think? Clearly, I?m a bit jaded with my opinion, but I?m interested in how everyone here perceives it, even if they themselves have never participated in online dating.

 

[MHR]

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating. Those that are are just naive.

The "someone for everyone" thing is a crock. Scam accounts and predatory terms are just a symptom. Some people are meant to die alone, and in some cases it may be for the better.

 

[Keoul]

Getting past the stigma caused by people like MHR there.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Once you get past the awkward first 30 minutes of the rendezvous it's not that different from an ordinary date. In many ways it's quite liberating. You skip a lot of song and dance highschool bullshit by being mutually open about who you are and what you're looking for.

I'm not saying you're 100% going to find the love of your life this way, but it's as good a way of starting a relationship as any other. Even better in some regards.

Just make sure you're genuinely interested in one another. Don't bond over loneliness. There has to be better common ground for a healthy relationship to grow in any significant way.

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating. Those that are are just naive.

The "someone for everyone" thing is a crock. Scam accounts and predatory terms are just a symptom. Some people are meant to die alone, and in some cases it may be for the better.

Speak for yourself mate, my girlfriend of the past 3 years is very dateable and only mildly naive.

 

[Elfgore]

I'd say scammers/pranksters/assholes to be the largest gaps. I could write up an Okay Cupid or Lot of Fish account that's complete BS and then just fuck around with people who are actually looking for relationships in about oh, five minutes. Add in the fact that men grossly out due the women makes it even easier for people to fuck with others. Some dude who hasn't had any luck in months gets a hot chick sending him a message an some gullibility is all they need to have some fun.

That's why in the event I make a dating profile, it would be on a paid site.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, from what I've heard, messages from guys on dating websites tend to go from `hi` to `WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY DICK` in about a second, so that sounds very unpleasant.

Though I met my boyfriend online, I've never done online-dating, and I kinda don't think that I would. I've always been friends first with the people I date, so it would be a little strange to go out looking for exclusively someone to date.

 

[CrystalShadow]

... Never tried formal dating.

I'm honestly not comfortable with the concept though. Because meeting someone explicitly for the purposes of 'dating' them seems... Messed up to me.

What passes for romantic experiences I've had have tended to form organically from existing friendships.
That has it's own hurdles and downsides.

To cover some of the middle ground, I've also run into the situation where I kinda find myself falling for someone I've only ever known online.

The pitfalls in that are numerous, even leaving out the ones related to online dating.
To begin with, I find that more often than not, the people I end up having some kind of chemistry with live unreasonably far away. Like... Other side of the planet far.
That in itself kinda spells doom for your prospects before you've even really got started.

Then there's the online/off-line dichotomy that results. My online persona and my offline one are related, but the online one completely masks who I am, physically.
That's partially inevitable, partially by choice, but it creates awkwardness around the prospect of meeting someone.
For that matter, even if everyone involved knows exactly what the other person is (and is not), romantic chemistry is so unpredictable that just because you really, really get along going by your interactions online,
(whether that's just text chat, voice chat, video chat or whatever else you might be able to come up with), doesn't mean that apparent chemistry will still be there if you meet face-to-face.

Which is quite a scary thing to do regardless.

In general, it feels to me like an impossible dichotomy.

If you start out from online interactions, you get to know someone for what mostly constitutes elements of their personality.
However, you can then run into a shock when you suddenly have to deal with the physical reality of that person.

Meanwhile, start in the real world, and you get the physical stuff upfront, but that may put you off ever learning anything about the person underneath the appearance.

Or, for that matter, because people have a tendency to be more self-conscious in real life, they may hide things about themselves that online dominates their apparent personality.

Like, I'm pretty well established as being a catgirl online. And most people I interact with a lot would realise that's quite a dominant thing about me.

But, since I'm far too self-conscious to make that aspect of my personality easily identified in person.
Sure, I have, on the odd occasion dressed up, but for the most part I'm far too nervous to ever let anyone see that.

So what is dominant in one area, goes almost unseen in another.

And this extends further than something that extreme. People seem to like me if they get to know the slightly more confident, out there, weird me that shows up when I start being comfortable with people.

But... What people see when they meet me for real, is dominated by a shy, nervous, quiet person that frequently stutters and otherwise doesn't seem to be very approachable.

So where online I can make a bunch of friends, offline I can barely get through a conversation with someone that lasts more than a few minutes.

I guess I'm getting off topic a tiny bit, but that I think is a big element of what makes online dating also fail so easily.
The difference between what seems most prominent about a person when they present themselves online, vs what seems most prominent about them when you see them IRL is quite different, and... Can take a lot of work to get used to.
Bridging the gap between the two is quite difficult.

Anyway, I would never do online dating I think. It'd just scare me way too much.
For that matter, dating in general seems like something I'm not suited to.
By that, I mean, trying to date someone I don't otherwise know.

I know some people say you shouldn't try and date your friends, but as far as I'm concerned, I can't even conceive of dating someone I'm not friends with first.
Just makes me feel way, way, too awkward.

 

[MeatMachine]

Well, from what I've heard, messages from guys on dating websites tend to go from `hi` to `WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY DICK` in about a second, so that sounds very unpleasant.

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me". They don't even forward basic information about who they are as a person and what makes them interesting and unique... then wonder why the only men who message them are guys who see their picture, think they're hot, and get creepy.

Though I met my boyfriend online, I've never done online-dating, and I kinda don't think that I would. I've always been friends first with the people I date, so it would be a little strange to go out looking for exclusively someone to date.

I agree - relationships that form naturally from real interaction usually feel much more engaging and fertile.

 

[Scars Unseen]

I don't think dating/matchmaking sites are any worse a way to meet people than any of the traditional ways that people are encouraged to meet people through. In most social environments, most people are going to be incompatible with you, most people are going to be hiding things about themselves(and why shouldn't they? They don't owe total strangers an autobiography), and most people that do connect will do so on an extremely shallow level that may lead to something more meaningful if they are very lucky.

The best thing you can do if you are searching for a real partner(and not just casual dating, which is totally fine) is have patience, and be willing to break away when you can see that you aren't meshing like you'd hoped. Staying on to protect the other's feelings is harmful to both parties, as is doing so just so you won't be alone.

 

[TallanKhan]

I don't have any axe to grind with online dating, I think it's as legitimate a way to meet people as any other but there are a couple of practical realities which can cause difficulties.

Above all ratio. Dating sites will usually publish data that says their male/female ratio is in the 55%M/45%F range, however, as anyone who has used a dating site can attest there are usually a significant number of "female" accounts which are fake or scams (I know there are scam male profiles too, but significantly less so), all of which count in the numbers. This means that for male users there are physically not enough women for them all to find a date and women will generally be swamped with requests and responses from dozens of guys within an hour of signing up.

In addition, online dating rather kills the "getting to know you" stage. Most sites will ask you to summarise your likes, dislikes, interests, describe yourself, sometimes even whether someone wants to get married, have kids, how many etc. This is great for fast-tracking your way past a number of potential pitfalls but also denies you all that small-talk, the gentle, harmless chit chat that helps build intimacy. This can result in getting into quite a serious relationship, relatively quickly, but based on a fairly shallow emotional attachment.

 

[Phasmal]

Well, from what I've heard, messages from guys on dating websites tend to go from `hi` to `WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY DICK` in about a second, so that sounds very unpleasant.

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me". They don't even forward basic information about who they are as a person and what makes them interesting and unique... then wonder why the only men who message them are guys who see their picture, think they're hot, and get creepy.

Well, there's no excuse for the creepiness, but I understand it must be frustrating to not have much of anything on someone's profile. Then again I suppose when you meet someone in real life for the first few minutes you don't know anything much about them besides what they look like, so there's that.
And perhaps some people don't put their interests down because they'd rather figure them out by talking to someone.
For instance, if I was to become single again, I'd much rather meet a guy and find out that we both enjoyed video games than be chosen by a guy who has searched for a girl who likes video games- if that makes any sense.

 

[Bat Vader]

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating. Those that are are just naive.

The "someone for everyone" thing is a crock. Scam accounts and predatory terms are just a symptom. Some people are meant to die alone, and in some cases it may be for the better.

I think the whole someone for everyone saying was meant as more of a numerical probability. With over 7 billion people on this planet I feel through numerical probability that there is someone out there I could tolerate for more than two seconds. If I find someone, cool. If I don't, that's cool too.

 

[Scars Unseen]

Well, from what I've heard, messages from guys on dating websites tend to go from `hi` to `WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY DICK` in about a second, so that sounds very unpleasant.

Having dabbled in online dating as a man, there's a consistent theme that plagues many womens' profiles as well, most predominantly, very many of them take absolutely 0 initiative in ANY way. They post one picture, then only bother to fill out their "about me" section by simply asserting "ask me". They don't even forward basic information about who they are as a person and what makes them interesting and unique... then wonder why the only men who message them are guys who see their picture, think they're hot, and get creepy.

Well, there's no excuse for the creepiness, but I understand it must be frustrating to not have much of anything on someone's profile. Then again I suppose when you meet someone in real life for the first few minutes you don't know anything much about them besides what they look like, so there's that.
And perhaps some people don't put their interests down because they'd rather figure them out by talking to someone.
For instance, if I was to become single again, I'd much rather meet a guy and find out that we both enjoyed video games than be chosen by a guy who has searched for a girl who likes video games- if that makes any sense.

Don't think he was trying to excuse creepiness, but rather pointing out that if you don't put anything out there but your photo and a bland or barren profile, don't be surprised when the only attention you get is from people that aren't interested in your personality.

 

[Phasmal]

Don't think he was trying to excuse creepiness, but rather pointing out that if you don't put anything out there but your photo and a bland or barren profile, don't be surprised when the only attention you get is from people that aren't interested in your personality.

I wasn't saying that I thought he was trying to excuse it (though I don't particularly agree with the `don't be surprised` line of thinking). I thought with the rest of my post it was obvious what I was getting at, perhaps not. `No excuse for creepiness` was just a general statement leading into my thoughts about the bareness of some women's profiles.

 

[Scars Unseen]

Don't think he was trying to excuse creepiness, but rather pointing out that if you don't put anything out there but your photo and a bland or barren profile, don't be surprised when the only attention you get is from people that aren't interested in your personality.

I wasn't saying that I thought he was trying to excuse it (though I don't particularly agree with the `don't be surprised` line of thinking). I thought with the rest of my post it was obvious what I was getting at, perhaps not. `No excuse for creepiness` was just a general statement leading into my thoughts about the bareness of some women's profiles.

As far as "don't be surprised" goes, what I mean is this: If you're female, your profile is probably going to catch the attention of creepy assholes at some point in time if you have a photo up. This shouldn't be the case, but it's probably going to happen. People that aren't creepy and are genuinely trying to find a partner? They're probably not going to give your profile a second glance if there's no info on the profile. I know I wouldn't. I can go out and find people I know absolutely nothing about to talk to on my own, after all.

So when I say "don't be surprised," I'm not saying that you shouldn't be surprised that you get attention from creepers. I'm saying that you shouldn't be surprised that you aren't getting attention from anyone else.

 

[Victim of Progress]

Where's the option of getting zero attention, and trying to message someone yields in the 'inbox full' notification ;_;

Other than that, ridiculous paywalls and poorly constructed shady services.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

OP: I don't think it's as bad as you're making it out to be OP. I do think that it's particularly hard for heterosexual guys because there's just a lot more guys looking for girls than there are girls available.

Online dating also won't do much to help you if you're terrible at dating in general. I've had a few conversations with guys who just had no self esteem, they would ask questions like "Why did you respond to my message?", "Why are you still talking to me?" and putting themselves down left and right. While I did enjoy aspects of their personalities[footnote]Which is what led me to respond to their messages[/footnote], I couldn't get over the pessimism and I did eventually stop talking to them.

I've also encountered some aggressive profiles under the question "Message me if...." and the response was "You're female you don't bother to message guys so what's the point of putting anything here?"

Self-fulfilling prophecy, I would never message that guy.

In addition, online dating rather kills the "getting to know you" stage. Most sites will ask you to summarise your likes, dislikes, interests, describe yourself, sometimes even whether someone wants to get married, have kids, how many etc. This is great for fast-tracking your way past a number of potential pitfalls but also denies you all that small-talk, the gentle, harmless chit chat that helps build intimacy. This can result in getting into quite a serious relationship, relatively quickly, but based on a fairly shallow emotional attachment.

I met my current boyfriend on OKCupid, to be blunt, in this case, it didn't actually kill the getting to know you phase at all. People don't read, don't remember what you put on your profile, want to know on the first date if you're not lying[footnote]so small talk happens anyway[/footnote], people are a lot more complex than what can be summed up on a dating profile, ext, ext. I would consider it better than a bar and more like a kind of place you'd go to meet someone with similar interests[footnote]For example, if you're into anime, you'll have a better chance of finding an SO at an anime convention than you would in a club or a bar[/footnote].

Basically I got the jist of his profile (and whether I would realistically date him) and I found out more about him as a person over the time we've spent together and it's gone rather great. Although he'd been on the site for significantly longer than I had[footnote]He'd been on the site for four years as opposed to my account that was only a few weeks old[/footnote] and my sister's experience with OkCupid was rather lackluster[footnote]She was getting messages, but didn't click with anyone[/footnote] until she was fed up and about to delete her profile, she gave one last message a response and they really hit it off (though they might be in the accelerated moving too fast thing you're mentioning)

While the process can certainly be accelerated if two people meet each other and happen to want to get married RIGHT NOW, if one or both make an effort to slow the process down, it can be as successful as any other options (plus not everyone on a dating site is looking to get married, I would say there's a lot more just looking for casual hookups over potential life partners).

I've also met a friend online after many years of interaction (not on a dating site), when we finally did meet in person, he was NOTHING like what I'd expected, though I am still very good friends with him, it killed any romantic possibilities in that instance. This is why dating sites emphasize actually meeting people offline soonish, because it takes away the chance of building up a false image of that person.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating. Those that are are just naive.

The "someone for everyone" thing is a crock. Scam accounts and predatory terms are just a symptom. Some people are meant to die alone, and in some cases it may be for the better.

Bitter much?

Anyway OP, I've done online dating for a while (guy here) and I voted for the "you're blowing it out of proportion". Yes, online dating isn't perfect (what is?) but the problems are small potatoes compared to how much fun it is.

For free sites, yes they do have some issues, but they are FREE. If you don't like it don't use it. Hinge is very good, though a bit buggy. The biggest issue with Tinder is that so many of the profiles are bots (ie. you 'match' with them and then get the canned "come to my website for hot sexy fun!" response).

I can't speak for every dating site out there, but I think Match is quite well done. I know that women tend to get bombarded with e-mails on them, but that's not the site's fault; it's the fault of idiot guys using the shotgun approach. Does it suck to write out a long, well-thought out e-mail to a girl who seems awesome, and then never get a response? Of course. But compared to flirting with a girl you meet at your gym for 2 weeks, then asking her out and her responding with "I have a boyfriend" (which, of course, you have no idea if it's even true or not) it's not bad in the slightest.

And that's really why online dating is so much fun: you already know plenty about the person before you even begin talking. You KNOW they are single, you KNOW they are looking for someone, you KNOW if they have kids or not, you KNOW what they are interested in, etc. As for people lying: I've been on more online dates than I can count, and not once has it turned out the girl is married, or had a kid she didn't mention, or showed up and was 100 lbs more than her profile pictures, or it wasn't her at all and all the photos were her better looking cousin, or all the myriad of horror stories I'm sure you can find if you look hard enough.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

I know that women tend to get bombarded with e-mails on them, but that's not the site's fault; it's the fault of idiot guys using the shotgun approach. Does it suck to write out a long, well-thought out e-mail to a girl who seems awesome, and then never get a response? Of course. But compared to flirting with a girl you meet at your gym for 2 weeks, then asking her out and her responding with "I have a boyfriend" (which, of course, you have no idea if it's even true or not) it's not bad in the slightest.

You don't necessarily have to write out much, the guy I'm dating wrote one sentence.[footnote]I mentioned I like seeing pictures in the clouds and his message was "Have you ever seen a sun halo?"[/footnote]. I wonder how much the message has anything to do with it actually? I mean I guess it could hurt if it's creepy or insensitive, but the profile was 9 times out of 10 the main reason why I responded.

 

[Ihateregistering1]

I know that women tend to get bombarded with e-mails on them, but that's not the site's fault; it's the fault of idiot guys using the shotgun approach. Does it suck to write out a long, well-thought out e-mail to a girl who seems awesome, and then never get a response? Of course. But compared to flirting with a girl you meet at your gym for 2 weeks, then asking her out and her responding with "I have a boyfriend" (which, of course, you have no idea if it's even true or not) it's not bad in the slightest.

You don't necessarily have to write out much, the guy I'm dating wrote one sentence.[footnote]I mentioned I like seeing pictures in the clouds and his message was "Have you ever seen a sun halo?"[/footnote]. I wonder how much the message has anything to do with it actually? I mean I guess it could hurt if it's creepy or insensitive, but the profile was 9 times out of 10 the main reason why I responded.

Oh I know, but one of the complaints you sometimes hear is that guys just write "hey" or something along those lines, so when you actually take the time to read their profile and think of something interesting to say, it's sort of annoying when you don't even get a response. But really what I mean is it's annoying when you come across a profile where it seems like you two are a match made in heaven, but then you never hear anything back.

Again, still not a huge deal, especially compared to flirting with someone for a long period of time and then not even knowing if they are actually telling the truth when you get rejected.