Poll: Online Dating - What's The Biggest Challenge/Obstacle/Problem?

[Scars Unseen]

I have no idea. I didn't encounter anything in his profile I perceived as a deal breaker and he seemed nice enough. I just wanted to have a conversation about video games but with a higher chance of dating afterward. He was just so self defeating though, I even bluntly told him "look if I didn't want to talk to you, I wouldn't have answered, I'm sure you're not that bad." I even tried to give him a little pep talk but I guess some people just can't get over their self-loathing.

I was very tempted to say that the blunt part was the wrong thing to say (not that there was any right thing to say, mind you), but this confuses and infuriates me. Asking you why you replied makes sense, you replying makes sense, but him sending the PM in the first place doesn't.

Unless he was trying to drag people into a pity party, which is just douche-y. You do that while drunk with drinking buddies, not random people on der internets.

I'm not sure about that either, but it's not exclusively a male thing, that's for sure. I've had women say they were surprised I responded to their messages as well, though I haven't encountered anything quite on the level of what Eclipse Dragon is talking about. Maybe people just get so used to not getting a response that their expectations have dropped below sea level or something.

 

[bigwon]

I think the main problem with online dating is that any potential in a relationship depends on your physical attraction to them (in the flesh, person to person as opposed to the spurts of text that are associated to a picture on a website)

I believe it goes something like having 90% of your conversation being body language and 10% being words.

So on top of trying to decide whether the guy is safe to go out with, you have to determine if it's worth the effort of actually meeting them on a date and potentially having a traumatically boring experience.

So generally if you have good social skills, your best off just meeting people in coffee shops, work, friend networks, malls, grocery stores, etc. though online dating isn't bad for mitigating tight schedules (if you have good social skills)

 

[Boris Goodenough]

compared to how much fun it is.

I think your milage for online dating varies a lot because I think I would rather be flayed alive than go back to online dating as it felt more like a non-paying puke removal job than anything else.

And I didn't even have any bad experiences...

It's a shame that I feel a need for companionship and intimacy... Damn you human condition!

 

[Sleepy Sol]

Biggest obstacle...probably the person themselves. I mean, I personally have never used a dating site outside of making a one-off joke profile that I never bothered checking after its creation, particularly because I'm not interested in the way dating sites tend to work.

I really don't think any of the poll options are ever going to really be universal truths that invalidate dating sites. They're just occasional problems with them. Albeit sometimes more frequent than occasionally.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

Well so far tinder got me stood up twice in a row by a woman who I then deleted, and a woman who agreed to a date and then mentioned just before "Oh by the way I am 6 months pregnant and just broke up with the guy" So I NOPED hard and deleted her too...

Tinder is an amazing source of dissapointment.

 

[Jack Action]

I'm not sure about that either, but it's not exclusively a male thing, that's for sure. I've had women say they were surprised I responded to their messages as well, though I haven't encountered anything quite on the level of what Eclipse Dragon is talking about. Maybe people just get so used to not getting a response that their expectations have dropped below sea level or something.

But if your expectations are that low, wouldn't it make more sense to not bother anymore than to send messages you don't expect a reply to anymore?

 

[Scars Unseen]

I think the main problem with online dating is that any potential in a relationship depends on your physical attraction to them (in the flesh, person to person as opposed to the spurts of text that are associated to a picture on a website)

I believe it goes something like having 90% of your conversation being body language and 10% being words.

So on top of trying to decide whether the guy is safe to go out with, you have to determine if it's worth the effort of actually meeting them on a date and potentially having a traumatically boring experience.

So generally if you have good social skills, your best off just meeting people in coffee shops, work, friend networks, malls, grocery stores, etc. though online dating isn't bad for mitigating tight schedules (if you have good social skills)

Eh, that's highly subjective. In my personal experience, I've met very few people randomly that I had any interest in, and every woman I've dated save for one I met online initially(though only one of those was through a dating site; most were people I talked to in chat). I'm attracted to a very broad range of women physically, but I'm much more picky when it comes to personalities and interests, so meeting someone online that I'll be attracted to physically is much more likely than meeting someone face to face that I'll be attracted to emotionally.

I'm not sure about that either, but it's not exclusively a male thing, that's for sure. I've had women say they were surprised I responded to their messages as well, though I haven't encountered anything quite on the level of what Eclipse Dragon is talking about. Maybe people just get so used to not getting a response that their expectations have dropped below sea level or something.

But if your expectations are that low, wouldn't it make more sense to not bother anymore than to send messages you don't expect a reply to anymore?

If you're a purely logical being, sure. Most people aren't, and I can certainly see someone still trying even when they are expecting rejection. It might be hard to do that sort of thing in person, but the semi-anonymity that the Internet provides might act as a buffer for that sort of thing. Of course, if you can't get over your pessimism, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle.

 

[BarbaricGoose]

It's very very simple. Nobody that's on a dating website is worth dating. Those that are are just naive.

The "someone for everyone" thing is a crock. Scam accounts and predatory terms are just a symptom. Some people are meant to die alone, and in some cases it may be for the better.

Bro...

Spoiler: Don't be such a Pessimisticon

Anyway, I tried online dating once--it was fun. I met lots of interesting people. A couple of which I still keep in contact with. Some were a little too interesting, though.

I ran with OKCupid. Its premium features don't have much effect on anything, and to my knowledge there wasn't any exploitative fine print. Never encountered any scam accounts. And yea,h some people lie--they'd lie in real life, too.

Worst part is just the stigma of it all. If it weren't for people like MHR here, the pool of candidates would not need a splash of chlorine, as a lot more people would be doing it. And honestly, the people I went out with were all pretty normal. Maybe I just got lucky... in more than one sense. I did make sure to include nothing about me being a gamer--I feel like that probably helped.

 

[Jack Action]

If you're a purely logical being, sure. Most people aren't, and I can certainly see someone still trying even when they are expecting rejection. It might be hard to do that sort of thing in person, but the semi-anonymity that the Internet provides might act as a buffer for that sort of thing. Of course, if you can't get over your pessimism, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle.

Ah, but sending messages even with claims of not expecting a response indicates that there is some inkling of hope that there will be a reply, yes?
At least, that's what my armchair psychology degree keeps whispering to me. So it's not really pessimism, is it?

 

[Scars Unseen]

If you're a purely logical being, sure. Most people aren't, and I can certainly see someone still trying even when they are expecting rejection. It might be hard to do that sort of thing in person, but the semi-anonymity that the Internet provides might act as a buffer for that sort of thing. Of course, if you can't get over your pessimism, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle.

Ah, but sending messages even with claims of not expecting a response indicates that there is some inkling of hope that there will be a reply, yes?
At least, that's what my armchair psychology degree keeps whispering to me. So it's not really pessimism, is it?

You can be a pessimist without being defeat incarnate. Remember, only a Sith deals in absolutes. And mathematicians.

 

[Jack Action]

You can be a pessimist without being defeat incarnate. Remember, only a Sith deals in absolutes. And mathematicians.

Eh, defeat incarnate might be a bit unfair, it's perfectly possible that their attitude stems from having an ounce of self-awareness. Accepting reality isn't defeatism, contrary to what the KGB and SS liked to say.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

You can be a pessimist without being defeat incarnate. Remember, only a Sith deals in absolutes. And mathematicians.

Eh, defeat incarnate might be a bit unfair, it's perfectly possible that their attitude stems from having an ounce of self-awareness. Accepting reality isn't defeatism, contrary to what the KGB and SS liked to say.

It's still sad though when a person manages to actually get a response only to screw up the conversation by continuously doing what they were told specifically not to do.

 

[Jack Action]

It's still sad though when a person manages to actually get a response only to screw up the conversation by continuously doing what they were told specifically not to do.

A matter of perspective. It would be even sadder if after 20-odd years of no one showing any interest, he took the first person who did at face value. Also, very stupid.

 

[Souplex]

The hetero-male experience with online dating in New York is akin to being on a deserted island, and sending out messages in a bottle, while a zombie apocalypse is happening on the mainland.
The female online dating experience is that of being in a zombie apocalypse, surrounded by a mindless horde that wants nothing but your flesh.

 

[Lightknight]

The problem for a lot of women using these dating sites is that a lot of men use them for a casual hookup rather than a long-term relationship.

It kinda derails the point of looking for true love, no?

That's true, but I think you're going to run into something like that pretty much anywhere: bars, parties, even just meeting people in everyday life. At least with a dating website, you know everyone is there for dating to some degree.

Well, a dating website geared towards finding the "right person" is inherently intended to be a place to look for serious relationships. Bars, parties, and other place without strict rules or clear mission statements don't create an environment where an individual may expect things to work one way but individuals use the system incorrectly to make it work a different way.

There are hook up sites and there will always be bars. But a lot of people generally turn to dating sites as an opportunity to meet someone that has passed some sort of filter and is more likely than most to be a good match. When people game the system to get laid, it breaks the trust of the site and that has a residual impact on the efficacy of the site going forward.

People look at e-harmony commercials and see all those happily married couples and think, "I want that too". So realistic or not, that is the brand image they've produced and some people are being taken advantage of due to that image. Are they being naïve? Perhaps. But some are also just being lied to. Again, you're right, that happens in real life but real life doesn't take out ads promising one thing when you get another.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

It's still sad though when a person manages to actually get a response only to screw up the conversation by continuously doing what they were told specifically not to do.

A matter of perspective. It would be even sadder if after 20-odd years of no one showing any interest, he took the first person who did at face value. Also, very stupid.

That would depend, it's a chat on a dating site, there's not much to lose by just enjoying the conversation, if they let their skepticism get the best of them, they could miss out on a potentially nice opportunity.

I believe a certain benefit of the doubt should be afforded, if they can't ascertain if somebody is a bad match online[footnote]Sometimes you can, I've encountered people who started talking about marriage and children right away and sending messages every hour, I ran for the hills.[/footnote] and they get to the point where it's time to meet in person, be smart about it, meet in a public place with lots of witnesses. He would have less to worry about as far as creeps go and if he's worried I'm some sort of gold digger, it would become obvious I'm not when I continuously insist on paying my half of the bill.

Having had a previously bad experience with meeting someone from the internet, I was extremely apprehensive when the conversation turned to going offline, but I'm thankful that I did because I wouldn't have met such a wonderful person had I not.

There are hook up sites and there will always be bars. But a lot of people generally turn to dating sites as an opportunity to meet someone that has passed some sort of filter and is more likely than most to be a good match. When people game the system to get laid, it breaks the trust of the site and that has a residual impact on the efficacy of the site going forward.

For the record, OkCupid will bluntly ask you what you're looking for be it "new friends" "Short term relationship" "Long term relationship" or a combination thereof. I'm not sure if "one night" was an option or if that falls under short term relationship. There are also a number of people who are straightforward about looking for only sex, while it's not my cup of tea, I do thank them for being honest.

 

[Jack Action]

That would depend, it's a chat on a dating site, there's not much to lose by just enjoying the conversation, if they let their skepticism get the best of them, they could miss out on a potentially nice opportunity.

I believe a certain benefit of the doubt should be afforded, if they can't ascertain if somebody is a bad match online[footnote]Sometimes you can, I've encountered people who started talking about marriage and children right away and sending messages every hour, I ran for the hills.[/footnote] and they get to the point where it's time to meet in person, be smart about it, meet in a public place with lots of witnesses. He would have less to worry about as far as creeps go and if he's worried I'm some sort of gold digger, it would become obvious I'm not when I continuously insist on paying my half of the bill.

Having had a previously bad experience with meeting someone from the internet, I was extremely apprehensive when the conversation turned to going offline, but I'm thankful that I did because I wouldn't have met such a wonderful person had I not.

Well, whether you've got something or not to lose depends a lot on how well you can take being humiliated. I somehow doubt he was worried about you being a gold-digger (mostly because online dating). Guessing he was more worried about something like... I dunno, finding his face plastered all over facebook with the caption "can you believe this loser thought he had a shot with me?"

It may seem insane at first glance, but assuming that someone out of your league is only showing interest because they're bored and have no one else to bother isn't unreasonable. Blame Carrie. And Facebook.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

It may seem insane at first glance, but assuming that someone out of your league is only showing interest because they're bored and have no one else to bother isn't unreasonable. Blame Carrie. And Facebook.

Good point, I didn't think of it that way, though I'm not exactly a knockout, I consider myself average. The most descriptive words I hear are "short" and "cute".

I don't know what he saw but regardless, had I been in his shoes I wouldn't go putting myself down excessively, that kills the mood, makes me feel bad about things beyond my control and a certain amount of self assurance can be very attractive.

 

[J-Dig]

My biggest tip is to go for sites that you pay for. This weeds out a lot (not all) of the timewasters and scammers.

Despite its lingering reputation, meeting someone online is only slightly different than any other way. Once you're on date 2 it's no different than if you met on the bus or in a pub or whatever. Those intent on cheating or attacking people are just as capable of telling their lies in a real-world setting.