Poll: Relationship Advice

[Harkonn3n]

I need your advice, guidance, analogies and direction my fellow Escapists.

Now I'm one of those romantic guys that pride themselves on been a gentleman. Those kinds of morals and values were taught to me as a child and a form a natural and comfortable behavior for me. In short, I focus on respecting my partner, making her feel needed, understood, aiding her when in need and loving her unconditionally.

I've had a stable, loving, caring and well-balanced relationship going on for just about 11 months now. We don't fight, whenever there's a disagreement we quickly tend to it and compromise with ease. All in all, we're known for our stability and more notably, our consistency within the relationship.

Here's the situation; Upon entering the relationship, she warned me that she has what she calls "affection-phases". Understandable, I thought, everybody goes through emotional up's and down's regardless of the relationship factor.

Oh boy, did I not expect it to this degree. She has completely withdrawn all forms of affection, physical (which I couldn't give a toss about) and most importantly, emotional affection.

What I mean by emotional affection are factors like moral support, sensitivity, listening intuitively and generally been acknowledged in a way that says you're been thought of.

This happened a month ago, no external cause, no signs leading up to it. It was fast and random.
Leaving me, naturally confused and wondering whether I have indirectly done something to upset her.

After a careful conversation; she has no idea why she does not want any affection, she is still attracted to me, she can't explain why this happens (It's happened to her previous boyfriends) and does not believe that there is anything wrong with her behavior.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those idiots that need consistency within a relationship because I provide consistency from my end. So the relationship, romantically, has become very one-sided.

Again, she doesn't acknowledge that her withdrawal of affection is in anyway wrong. Any attempt to label it as such, results in becoming very defensive and angry.

So, in conclusion, she has agreed to "try" be affectionate against her need to step away now. (This was two weeks ago, no improvement whatsoever).

I told her I won't force her to make that decision, I could endure it while she carries on her merry way, but she refuses to be even more selfish at my expense.

Escapists, what do I do?

Do I ride out this emotionally-barren phase, without knowing how long it will last and subsequently form resentment while I endure this?

Treat her the way she treats me?

Pack my symbolic bags and leave?

 

[Nooners]

Hmmm...it's a very tough call. I say, if you think the ups are worth it, then at least stick around until the 1-year anniversary and do something nice. If she can't return any affection on a day like that, then it's time to call it quits.

 

[Odd Water]

My advice is... Not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers.

While there are sure to be many good minds with thoughtful words of wisdom, remember this is also a site full of video gamers. We have trolls, rage gamers, console wars people, young screaming kids on xbox live, people from every religious and political point of view that love to argue, extreme fan boys, whiny emos, self depressive life haters, ones that can't look at anything objectively and are sure to push their own personal experience into any decision, and sure to be plenty of those without any real life experience in the matters of life and love but will still throw out their opinion on something just because they feel they have to make their point.

Talk to your friends, the people that know you and her best, and can better understand the situation, not ask a site of strangers for advice on a personal and emotional problem were we are not going to have the full picture or understanding of the people involved and situation.

So yeah. My advice is not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers. Which means don't listen to me or my post here too. ^.^

 

[TJC]

Don't stick it in the crazy.
And frankly, this one sounds pretty fucking crazy.
As you mentioned, having emotional ups and downs is a-ok and these might even last a couple of days/weeks. (also, with women and periods... you know where this is going [/sexism] Powering through these phases is what makes a relationship.
But then, there's this and the prospect that this might be a regular thing.

Run while you can. That's what I would do.
If you are slightly more patient than me, wait out a bit more until you can get her to get help because this is either a psychological or a physiological thing (once a year for several weeks becoming emotional dead inside? Sounds like fucked up body chemistry all right)

 

[Zantos]

Other: I'll start by pointing out that I have no experience in this particular situation, but just a few general points about any relationship problem.

You clearly don't want to break this up, but enduring is also a pretty poor option. If a relationship starts to feel like a chore then your chances of a civil break-up drop massively the longer you go on with it. You mention that you don't fight early on. Relationships are about compromise at the end of the day but comments later on make it seem that the compromise is much in her direction. Firstly, it's perfectly normal to want someone consistent in a relationship. Hell, that's pretty much why I miss them so damn much. Secondly, I'd say what she's doing is actually kind of weird, but if that's what she's like.

My end point is, stand your ground. Instead of focusing on the end result of the argument, just have a clear picture of what you want and fight for that. If at the end you find a nice middle ground you can both be happy with then that's great. If not, well you'll know what the right thing to do is when the time comes.

Hope this has helped and isn't just me rambling on.

 

[Kyrinn]

Ok first off don't try to tell a woman her emotions are wrong. That's...well...wrong.
What this sounds like is the relationship growing stale for her. Unfortunately we can only speculate as to why since she doesn't know herself.
Seeking advice will only result in a mix of opinions (just look at the posts already made) on what you should do. If you are seriously considering ending the relationship I suggest to take some time to just think about the situation. Come to a solid conclusion (this make take some time, weeks even) about what you want to do, and how you should handle it.

I know it sounds like a cop out answer but just taking a step back and contemplating the problem for a while is usually the best.

 

[idodo35]

I need your advice, guidance, analogies and direction my fellow Escapists.

Now I'm one of those romantic guys that pride themselves on been a gentleman. Those kinds of morals and values were taught to me as a child and a form a natural and comfortable behavior for me. In short, I focus on respecting my partner, making her feel needed, understood, aiding her when in need and loving her unconditionally.

man you and me should have a drink (or the equivilent of a drink cause im underage) sometime!

OT it depends on how much you want to stay in the relationship in the end is a "does it worth it" question i know that i would probably endure with previous partners again cause it felt important enogh... so thats what you have to ask yourself do i love her enogh to go through this? hope i helped (even though i doubt it XP) plz tell how it turned up...
EDIT: id advice to not treat her the same in any case... it just seems childish pointless and might hurt her (which i doubt you want from what you said...)

 

[Harkonn3n]

My advice is... Not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers.

While there are sure to be many good minds with thoughtful words of wisdom, remember this is also a site full of video gamers. We have trolls, rage gamers, console wars people, young screaming kids on xbox live, people from every religious and political point of view that love to argue, extreme fan boys, whiny emos, self depressive life haters, ones that can't look at anything objectively and are sure to push their own personal experience into any decision, and sure to be plenty of those without any real life experience in the matters of life and love but will still throw out their opinion on something just because they feel they have to make their point.

Talk to your friends, the people that know you and her best, and can better understand the situation, not ask a site of strangers for advice on a personal and emotional problem were we are not going to have the full picture or understanding of the people involved and situation.

So yeah. My advice is not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers. Which means don't listen to me or my post here too. ^.^

Ironically, I did listen to your post!
I'm fully aware of the fact that a gaming sit isn't the best place for relationship advise, but I'm just using this to perhaps get an abstract opinion. Or maybe there's something I missed...who knows?

And there are quite a few Escapist Sages willing to lend their wisdom...

But I appreciate the reply in the first place

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I need your advice, guidance, analogies and direction my fellow Escapists.

Have you considered sending this to the Love FAQ column on this site? You might find better insights (and better reception) there. At least people will stop being snarky about the whole game forum thing.

Anyway...

She sounds Manic/Depressive to me. Or some sort of variant thereof.

Here's a question - does she still want to hang out and have fun with you? You know, play games or whatever it is you two do for fun?

If yes, then perhaps you could consider the "hanging out having fun" a different sort of affection? My spouse and I have been married for years, and we don't always feel like being all lovey-dovey - but we do play games together. Having fun together is important - and it lasts.

If no, then... yeah, she's pretty much "taking a break" from the relationship. That's... weird.

Sorry, that's all I've got.

 

[Harkonn3n]

Other: I'll start by pointing out that I have no experience in this particular situation, but just a few general points about any relationship problem.

You clearly don't want to break this up, but enduring is also a pretty poor option. If a relationship starts to feel like a chore then your chances of a civil break-up drop massively the longer you go on with it. You mention that you don't fight early on. Relationships are about compromise at the end of the day but comments later on make it seem that the compromise is much in her direction. Firstly, it's perfectly normal to want someone consistent in a relationship. Hell, that's pretty much why I miss them so damn much. Secondly, I'd say what she's doing is actually kind of weird, but if that's what she's like.

My end point is, stand your ground. Instead of focusing on the end result of the argument, just have a clear picture of what you want and fight for that. If at the end you find a nice middle ground you can both be happy with then that's great. If not, well you'll know what the right thing to do is when the time comes.

Hope this has helped and isn't just me rambling on.

Stand your ground, I like that sentiment. I have a tendency to look at the end result instead of focusing on the here-and-now.
Much appreciated!

 

[Erja_Perttu]

I think you should think very carefully about how much you like this girl. A lot of people are probably going to say this is her trying to break up with you, but there's always the chance that she's feeling exactly how she says she's feeling, and that's dangerous territory.

I've been in the 'get away from me but I still love you' phase myself, they honestly exist. If this is how she's feeling, she's telling the truth and she probably won't know why it's happening. It'll frustrate her as much as it frustrates you.

That's her stuff though, her issues, and if you don't want a part in it, get the hell out of dodge, because this will go on until she decides she wants to get close again, and then, however long later, a couple of months maybe even a year or so, she'll do it again. This isn't going to be a one off deal. You're going to be stuck on the end of an emotional bungee rope that she controls.

If you decide you can deal with this, and keep on dealing with it over a long period of time, then stick with her. Every girl has issues in the small print, and you could decide that everything else she gives you is worth this issue. You can keep that loving, caring relationship, but you'll have to sacrifice the stability and consistency. Just be aware that whilst you're not doing anything wrong when she gets in these phases, you're going to feel like you are. It's an argument you're not going to be able to win, ever, because in the end, it's not about you; it's about her.

Also

Spoiler: My advice is... Not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers.

While there are sure to be many good minds with thoughtful words of wisdom, remember this is also a site full of video gamers. We have trolls, rage gamers, console wars people, young screaming kids on xbox live, people from every religious and political point of view that love to argue, extreme fan boys, whiny emos, self depressive life haters, ones that can't look at anything objectively and are sure to push their own personal experience into any decision, and sure to be plenty of those without any real life experience in the matters of life and love but will still throw out their opinion on something just because they feel they have to make their point.

So yeah. My advice is not to seek relationship advice from a site of video gamers. Which means don't listen to me or my post here too. ^.^

This guy has got a very good point.

Best of luck bro.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

Sounds kinda like the situation I'm in at the moment, but its been longer. I pretty much don't feel wanted. So... I'm breaking up with my girlfriend. Trust me, once things stop being fun its really difficult for them to start being fun again, and both people involved have to be up to putting the effort in.

 

[Odd Water]

Ironically, I did listen to your post!
I'm fully aware of the fact that a gaming sit isn't the best place for relationship advise, but I'm just using this to perhaps get an abstract opinion. Or maybe there's something I missed...who knows?

And there are quite a few Escapist Sages willing to lend their wisdom...

But I appreciate the reply in the first place

There is plenty of good advice to be found on this site, I agree. But what advice you follow or listen to will be based on your own mentality and knowledge of the situation and how you feel. My point is a bunch of random advice from strangers is pointless, because you still will look for and follow what feels best to you. You will still pick and choose what words of wisdom are actually good to you and which are lame. What you are doing is just getting a lot of people to list out different ideas, so you can look through them and see which one feels right to you. Which again, I think could be better done talking to people that know you better, not random video game strangers on here.

My point is, you have to do what you think and feel is right based on you. If you follow advice that doesn't fit you, then you are not being yourself and basically trying to trick or lie yourself out of this problem. When it comes down to it, weather you loose her or stay with her, you need to follow your own ways in this matter or it won't be good no matter the outcome.

 

[drummond13]

She doesn't sound worth it, frankly. Is she "wrong" to not be as affectionate? No. But you're not an idiot to want affection from your girlfriend.

Frankly it sounds like she needs to talk to a professional about this. I'd give it only a little more time before moving on. What exactly makes her your girlfriend now instead of just some girl you hang out with? A title?

Also, you don't give a toss about physical affection? That sounds odd too. Are you just trying to not seem shallow to the internet or something? Wanting physical affection is about as normal as can be, and not caring about it feels off to me.

 

[Harkonn3n]

Alright, I'm moving this to the advice forums.
The diverse opinions are just what I'm looking for, but I made the mistake of not checking the forum I'm posting this in.

I'll delete, lock, nuke, annihilate this thread and repost it.

So thank you guys so far for the input!
You've added a little something to someone's day, thanks again.

 

[Odd Water]

Also, you don't give a toss about physical affection? That sounds odd too. Are you just trying to not seem shallow to the internet or something? Wanting physical affection is about as normal as can be, and not caring about it feels off to me.

Not sure if I agree or not fully here as we don't have all the info. Not caring about physical affection is the kind of thing I usually only hear from a small percent of people, like my friend who is about 4 times the weight of his boyfriend. Maybe its just point of view, but to me I see people that don't care about any physical affection as people that give up on it and think they are just happy with what they have because to them they feel they won't get more anyway. Frankly, not caring about it just makes someone seem like a super close personal friend or strong sibling feeling.

Myself on the other hand, I find physical affection in a relationship not only perfectly normally, but quite healthy and helpful to a relationship. I enjoy it, and I'm not trying to sound cool, freaky, gross, perverted, or anything else by meaning just sexual. I mean from the simple touch at the right time or casually for no reason all the way up to sex. Physical affection in a relationship is normal, healthy, and helpful.

 

[damselgaming]

From someone who has been in the same situation but for about a year, just leave dude. Just leave. As soon as our tenancy agreement finishes on this flat I am outta here.

 

[Florion]

If you love her for who she is and not just because this relationship is convenient, stick it out. It's happened to her previous boyfriends, so it's not like she's doing it to you on purpose to punish you.
But there is a reason why she's acting this way, and since it's kind of important to you, figure out what happened a month ago, or what happened each time this happened in her relationships. If she cares about you, then the fact that this IS important to you should be enough to make it a problem for her and she needs to realize that; if you're not satisfied in your relationship, you're going to leave her. Have this conversation, and if she doesn't acknowledge your needs, figure out in your head how much longer you can take this. (If she DOES acknowledge them, maybe stick it out a bit longer and support her.)