Poll: Should I accept my mother in this scenario?

[Steppin Razor]

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/packages/pdf/health/NOA/30states.pdf

While it seems that it's not often enforced, you should take into consideration that as medicaid budget dwindles, the government might start enforcing these law as a way to mitigate the cost.

Seem that you're fine in New York but New Jersey is on the list.

Ah, I see.

I don't know about this case though. It sounds more like she's a lazy ***** mooching off of people instead of getting a job as opposed to someone that actually can't find work due to medical/age-related issues.

 

[Sougo]

Should I take her in because she is my mother anyway, or do I have a right to refuse her hospitality because of every other reason?

Meh, busted poll, I figured this will happen. I will read to responses.

I would try to find some middle ground. You ca n always give her a chance: she may be a B, but she is still your mom and she took you in and raised you, correct? I think you at least owe it to her to give her some middle ground to make a decent step in the right direction. That being, ask her to get a job. See if she will do that. I know that from your experience, she likely won't and you still don't want her around, but do you want to look back and say ''I shut my mom out'' when I could have helped her? You just have to look at it long term. While where she would go otherwise, how she will survive, will she be okay are all fine and dandy questions, how will things work out later in life? Regrets suck, and I wouldn't want you to have any because of something going on in the here and now. That's why some middle ground would be best, if she messes it up, then you can kick her out.

Just my opinion though. I'm a firm believer that if she supported you, even badly for some time, you should do the same for her and at least give her a chance. ♥

I agree with Aylaine. Some parents are bad, and some are so bad they shouldn't be parents. But she is your mother, and no matter what anyone says I can't believe you have no love for her. She gave you a home, perhaps not the best one possible, but something to go on. And if your sister got brilliant grades, she might have had some backing from your/her mother as well. I say give her a chance, its the decent thing to do.

If you think she doesn't have any decency in her, show her what decency is!

All things aside, I think the apartment belongs to your dad. In all likelihood I think its gonna be his say on this.

 

[Haunted Serenity]

Let her do something for herself for once. She wants to live somewhere she can find her own place. If you need to take in your sister thats up to your dad. As for your mother, stop caring rough but if she won't pick herself up then thats tough for her. Her choice.

 

[AMMO Kid]

Come to the bargaining table and make her vow to live by certain rules and standards, and if she won't live by them then kick her out

 

[Mortech]

I'm gonna go with 'No' in this situation.

Normally, I'd say that you should give your mother a chance and accept her for now at least. But it's your Dad's place: So like many others have noted, it's his call. If you both can't stand her, then you might want to recommend that he not accept her if she does come around, though. The way you've described their relationship, I can't see him accepting her into his home unless you pushed for it, or something.

 

[Lyri]

It's an honest to god 50/50 situation here.

Sure, she took you in when you needed place and by admission of yourself, neither party gets along with one another.
However, in the situation you're in now you said that both you and your father do not want her back so I assume you live with your father.
I also expect that your sister will be showing up too, which will make your residence pretty crowded. So with you and your father both disliking her, it could get pretty uncomfortable, quickly.

That said, if she was to find somewhere under your roof then she'd have to get a job and be out, actively looking for one.
No excuses or exceptions and if she does end up refusing to do it then just ask her to leave.

Give her opportunity but be stern.

 

[sheic99]

Should I take her in because she is my mother anyway, or do I have a right to refuse her hospitality because of every other reason?

Meh, busted poll, I figured this will happen. I will read to responses.

I would try to find some middle ground. You ca n always give her a chance: she may be a B, but she is still your mom and she took you in and raised you, correct? I think you at least owe it to her to give her some middle ground to make a decent step in the right direction. That being, ask her to get a job. See if she will do that. I know that from your experience, she likely won't and you still don't want her around, but do you want to look back and say ''I shut my mom out'' when I could have helped her? You just have to look at it long term. While where she would go otherwise, how she will survive, will she be okay are all fine and dandy questions, how will things work out later in life? Regrets suck, and I wouldn't want you to have any because of something going on in the here and now. That's why some middle ground would be best, if she messes it up, then you can kick her out.

Just my opinion though. I'm a firm believer that if she supported you, even badly for some time, you should do the same for her and at least give her a chance. ♥

I kind of agree with this, but you need to set some ground rules if she does live there.[footnote]Assuming your dad lets her stay there.[/footnote] First, you should make her get a job. That would have to be a ground rule, no job or no place to stay. She also needs to improve her attitude. If you won't or can't do these things, then she can't stay there.

 

[smashmaniac64]

make her get a job, pay rent, and clean up her act
if she cant accomplish all 3 of those things...kick her to the curb i guess

 

[Riccan]

EDIT:Accidently posted before I finished typing.

 

[Billion Backs]

As a Russian immigrant who still lives with his Russian parents who are still together, I feel your pain...

My family is pretty normal by most standards, but I know enough Russians to know how rare it is.

I wouldn't accept her if I were you. Some people are complete bitches and nothing will change them. I've witnessed almost a dozen of recent immigrant families crumble, all of which consisted people roughly familiar to me and fairly close to my parents.

Not to mention all the fuckery that goes on with fake documents, wellfare cheating, and so on...

I'd say you're better off not accepting her. Seriously. It might get worse if you do.

 

[Enigmers]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I doubt she's worth the trouble. Your relationship with her has recently been, at best, tolerable (from what you related to us). I assume you've been discussing this with your dad as well, and if you haven't, you probably should, it's as much his decision as it is yours (if not more).

 

[Riccan]

Well there are two main courses of action and four main possible outcomes

Action 1: She isn't allowed to move in.
Outcome 1: She realizes that she has to grow the fuck up and stop being a parasite.
Outcome 2: She doesn't learn anything and stays the same or worsens.

Action 2: She is allowed to move.
Outcome 1: She gets a job and pays rent.
Outcome 2: She doesn't get a job and leeches off of your father.

Those obviously aren't all of the ways this could go, but we dont know your mother as well as you or your father. Personally I think you should talk with him about it and decide what in the end is the best choice.

 

[Kryzantine]

There are two main possible actions and four possible outcomes.

And the action "Yes" is strictly dominated by the strategy "No".

But then, decision theory isn't morally friendly.

But then after that, there is so little morality in this situation no matter what, that decision theory is useful.

This is one of the most helpful comments in this thread. All the others are great too, though, it's nice having others provide their input. I was leaning towards no before this and I'm certainly leaning towards no right now, but I'll still keep this open.

 

[Axzarious]

Pretty much whats been said by others. Turn your mother down. She has to learn sometime.

 

[Mechanix]

You say she kicked you out of her house when you were younger correct? How the tables have turned.

I see no reason why she should be allowed to live with you. Like a guy above said, lazy bums like her who don't work only get away with it when people let them. Don't let her in, even if you say find a new apartment in a few weeks, she won't, and a few weeks will turn into a few months.

 

[Mad World]

I think that the right thing to do would be to give her a chance. I highly recommend that you try that.

It may not turn out well, but at least you would know that you did the right thing.

 

[SomeLameStuff]

Make her get a damn job, or better yet, make her pay rent.

She needs a hard lesson that being a freeloader is bad for her health.

If she turns up at your door expecting to be taken in without contributing, feel free to call the cops on her for trespassing.

 

[Iffat Nur]

One question; given the chance, would your mom take up a job, no matter how crummy?
If so, then make her come with you, but she first applies for a job in NYC.
If not, she sounds too abusive, for some reason. I am thinking no

 

[geldonyetich]

Now, the problem. My dad and I agree that my mum cannot live in our apartment. For one, we don't have enough room. For two, we both can't tolerate her. [...] My dad and I do not want to accept her. When I tell my sister on the phone that my mum is not welcome, she says that my mum may "not necessarily" come to my door.

You might like to take her in, but I don't think you'll be given that choice. You dad and mom have lived separate places over the past ten years for reasons that I suspect are mutual. I'd be really surprised if that's going to change. Consequently, unless your dad is planning on moving somewhere else, she's not moving in.

 

[Delicious]

You don't want to deal with her because you don't like her?

Tough shit, that's family.

Also, to you other internet people; let's not be so quick to condemn someone you've never met, especially when the only information about her is given by a pretty biased source.