Poll: To trust or not to trust?

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

No need to assume the worst in everybody all of the time... especially when they're supposed to be the people closest to you. As far as anyone is aware, nothing has happened. So, you know... go with that.

 

[Scarim Coral]

I say "Confront the situation head on" but ONLY if she remind calm/ collective about it, in another word try not to get emotional during the confrontation which will only make things worse.
Honestly I would it's better to try to trust him first.

 

[Icyheart]

In my highly UNprofessional opinion, the best thing to do right now is address her fears that he might be using the internet to gain something he isn't getting out of his relationship. Little things like this can potentially ruin a relationship if left unaddressed. Once that gets out of the way, they can address the possibility of him cheating. If they both really want it to work out, they need to work together to make it happen, or risk having it end in a potentially damaging way, and in order for it to work open and honest communication is absolutely necessary.
Disclaimer: Remember, this is my UNPROFESSIONAL OPINION. I am NOT TO BLAME if they follow this advice and it wrecks the whole thing.

 

[Thyunda]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

In an ideal world sure . But that doesn't always work . You know , people lie?

OT: Trust him. From my point of view she was snooping . I would have changed my password too if someone was goong through my stuff looking for clues for something . The problem is , if she is lookin for something , even if it doesn't exist , she may misinterpret a message and conclude he is cheating , even if he's not . I've had this happen to me plenty of times . So i may be biased . But snoopig is wrong . She asked him about it , he answered her , she's still trying to get into his account . Personally , i would leave HER . She obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend to begin with .

Whoa, that's a bit excessive. I mean, she did bring it to his attention and he reacted by locking her out of everything and ensuring she never saw anything again. If there was nothing to hide, why would he have done that? I mean, if I caught my ex's Facebook account open, guaranteed I would have to go through it to find SOMETHING amusing to do. Never saw anything suspicious, but then I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for opportunities to make funny. Like this one guy who had a crush on her. That was a fun exchange. I think he knew it was me though.

 

[Bestival]

I would confront it, in the way that I would want to talk this shit out. Just flatout tell my BF that it makes me very uncomfortable, and even though it might mean I am crazy overprotective, for him to PLEASE stop.

If he's not willing to do that, or maybe not even willing to talk this out rationally, this relationship might not be meant to be.

From the guy's perspective I wouldn't mind giving this up if there was nothing going on anyway. If there was something going on it would mean I was a cheating asshole, and this relationship really isn't meant to be.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Snip

So what, the guy can't talk to other people online because he's in a relationship?

So he minds his privacy. It happens. People talk freely online, it figures the guy wants his privacy. If your friend doesn't find anything more incriminatory than the fact her boyfriend chats with friends online I suggest she cool it a bit, and don't freak out she doesn't get her bf's passwords.

I'd say there was nothing going on except he was on chatroulette, ya'll know what duded do on chatroulette right?
It begins with 'w' and rhyms with shank

Wink?

 

[Thyunda]

They are both adults and they should be able to have a mature conversation about the situation if they are going to have any kind of serious relationship. That's just not a healthy way to start a relationship, especially if there has been issues with cheating in the past. So 'confront the situation head on' would be my suggestion.

In an ideal world sure . But that doesn't always work . You know , people lie?

OT: Trust him. From my point of view she was snooping . I would have changed my password too if someone was goong through my stuff looking for clues for something . The problem is , if she is lookin for something , even if it doesn't exist , she may misinterpret a message and conclude he is cheating , even if he's not . I've had this happen to me plenty of times . So i may be biased . But snoopig is wrong . She asked him about it , he answered her , she's still trying to get into his account . Personally , i would leave HER . She obviously doesn't trust her boyfriend to begin with .

Whoa, that's a bit excessive. I mean, she did bring it to his attention and he reacted by locking her out of everything and ensuring she never saw anything again. If there was nothing to hide, why would he have done that?

Because they're his profiles. Not hers. She has no business using his accounts if he doesn't want her to.

Even if I wasn't cheating in a relationship, I would not want my significant other reading my emails and chat logs behind my back. Because I am my own person and I'm allowed to have conversations without her knowledge. I'm allowed to have conversations that she doesn't know about or approve of. I'm allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, even good friends, even friends I used to date or have sex with. If she can't handle that, she doesn't deserve to be in my life. I don't have a lot of deal breakers but this is pretty much one.

I mean, if I caught my ex's Facebook account open, guaranteed I would have to go through it to find SOMETHING amusing to do. Never saw anything suspicious, but then I wasn't looking for that. I was looking for opportunities to make funny. Like this one guy who had a crush on her. That was a fun exchange. I think he knew it was me though.

Be lucky your ex doesn't think like I do, because that would be a deal breaker as well. I have a lot of friendships on Facebook I keep for professional reasons or because I genuinely like people, and the fact that I don't return their affection is not a reason to abandon that relationship. Start dicking around with my relationships for your own personal amusement and you would be out the door faster than you can say "forgot to log out".

They're just profiles, dude. Taking the internet too seriously is just plain silly. Do you consider 'fraping' a criminal offence too?

Also. Sure. It's fine having conversations without her knowledge. But why are you actively hiding them? I never felt the need to tell my ex if I was talking to someone, but I'd tell her if she asked. If she was going through my messages, sure I'd be annoyed and I'd tell her I didn't appreciate it, but I wouldn't delete the evidence and change all my passwords. I happen to know that I have nothing to hide. So why would I hide it? That behaviour is suspicious. Closed, defensive reactions are definitely good cause to NOT be in a relationship.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Now about a month ago she found messages on his skype from some random girl from another country whom he met/spoke to on chatroulette (she found the messages while using skype to talk to a mutual friend and this had not been an issue before this). she confronted him fearing that there was more to it and he told her it was nothing and that he only talked her that one time and that they swapped contact info randomly.

That seems like a normal, sensible explanation. I'd see no immediate reason to doubt it. Unless, you know...there were some red flags.

...he then proceeded to change his passwords, and had been searching up ways to delete skype convo's.

Now there had been issues of trust and cheating years ago when they had been together before but they had both agreed that being 15 you tend to make mistakes and as they are now 24/25 it would be different.

How would you feel.

I would feel 99% certain there were shenanigans afoot. And speaking from experience, I would more than likely be right.

Best case scenario..boyfriend has some serious trust/privacy issues with girlfriend, and wants his private conversations with random strangers he meets on the internet kept secret. That's not necessarily immoral, but it's a little sketchy. If everything is as above board as he's claiming, I really don't know why that is something you'd actively take steps to hide. I wouldn't necessarily want my girlfriend reading all my emails either, but neither do I feel any great motivation to hide them from her. If I did feel the motivation to hide something from her, it would be because I was very cognizant that there was a high chance that whatever it was that I was hiding would make her upset.

Worst case scenario, boyfriend is either cheating, or at least indulging in the fantasy of cheating by cyber-cheating (which some people consider straight up cheating). As it sounds like the boyfriend has a history of cheating, there's a pretty high risk that this is the case. I've known a lot of people in my time, who have been in a lot of relationships. And the cheaters? Almost without exception, they cheated again. Having a wandering eye is rather like being an alcoholic. It's something you always struggle with, not something you feel remorse about once and then never have to deal with again.

Your friend should probably not let this rest. Her trust is in tatters, and if she bites her tongue she's only going to get more paranoid and suspicious. Trust is one of the most essential elements when it comes to the foundation of a relationship. It's the bedrock on which other things are built. She either needs to talk this out until she gets to a place where she's no longer questioning him, or until the curtain is pulled back and she gets a clear picture of what is going on.

Even if I wasn't cheating in a relationship, I would not want my significant other reading my emails and chat logs behind my back. Because I am my own person and I'm allowed to have conversations without her knowledge. I'm allowed to have conversations that she doesn't know about or approve of. I'm allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, even good friends, even friends I used to date or have sex with. If she can't handle that, she doesn't deserve to be in my life. I don't have a lot of deal breakers but this is pretty much one.

I wouldn't want that either, but shit happens. If you're in a long term relationship, your significant other stands a high chance of brushing up against your "private life" from time to time. It's not really something you can avoid.

His reaction is pretty dodgy. It's like the cops accusing you of a crime, so you run home and start burning evidence. Then you say "It's not that I'm guilty, I just don't like people nosing through my stuff".

The guy's explanation could be totally legit. His behavior leaves plenty of room for doubt, though.

 

[Jynthor]

I don't see what's wrong with just talking.
I'm a guy and I prefer talking with girls, doesn't mean I have any romantic interest.
Other than that I feel like I need more information to really have an answer.

 

[Thyunda]

Oh. I thought the suspicion here stemmed from the fact he reacted by hiding the conversations, not from the mere interaction.

She asked if he was cheating based on the conversation.

Dude, don't use your Facebook professionally.

I don't have much of a choice. Employers do look you up on Facebook. You can't prevent it from happening, and it doesn't stop there. I know of people who very nearly lost jobs because of things that came up when their name was googled. Now I take pretty good care to keep things tagged only for the people I want to see them, and things that could look bad to employers visible only to certain groups. But they still look. Likewise, I get friend requests from students. It's routine for teachers to get friend requests from students, especially if they're teachers who are likeable, affable, or good. I certainly don't use my Facebook professionally, and I have a policy that no one who is presently in my class can be a Facebook friend. But it's still out there. It's totally naive to think what goes on on Facebook doesn't matter.

That's why "friends" who think dicking around with my public persona is an acceptable form of entertainment aren't friends for long.

D'you know, you've managed to define yourself as uptight, humourless AND hostile in this single conversation? I wonder if you have a significant other to even break up with for looking at your Facebook.

Reported for the personal insult. You should know better.

But I'm not particularly concerned with what you think of me, or of my relationship status. I'm simply helping a friend of someone with trust issues see the folly following of some of the advice they're getting here.

Set profile to private to non-friends and don't add anyone you don't consider a friend. Simple shit, my friend. Also, yeah, you're not supposed to add your students on Facebook. Safeguarding issues all over that.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

You can bet that if police accused me of a crime on completely groundless measures, I'd rethink and dispose of any circumstantial evidence they could find to back up their trumped up charges.

And what do you think the reaction of the police would be if they saw you doing this? Do you think they would view it as grounds for reasonable suspicion?

That's the entire point of the OP. Whether or not there is grounds for reasonable suspicion. You can provide as much insight into the mind of a privacy obsessed person as you want, and that's valuable context. But the question remains...could this be perceived as suspicious? And I can't see a justification for any answer other than "yes".