Poll: To trust or not to trust?

[Beffudled Sheep_v1legacy]

But if she doesn't trust him enough to not cheat when speaking to another female on the internet then she really shouldn't have been in a relationship with him in the first place.

True, true. That's why cheating is generally seen as so damning. Once trust is broken, it...much like Humpty Dumpty...is pretty hard to ever put back together again.

Exactly. But she made a choice, trust issues or no, to go back out with the guy and as a (hopefully) mature adult she should have acted in a more mature fashion than immediately calling and thinking "cheater" after snooping through his private stuff. Even if it was "accidental" snooping.
And the guy really should have talked to the girl before changing all of his passwords to explain. Both parties seem to be acting a little childishly and certainly don't seem to trust each other very much at all.

 

[Johnny Impact]

It takes years to build trust, and only suspicion to destroy it. Perhaps he's "just friends" with the Skype girl. Men actually can be just friends with women. I've done it.

 

[101flyboy]

Of course he shouldn't be trusted, based on the sole fact he tipped his own hand with the secrecy. Their relationship isn't going to last.

 

[janjotat]

If there was nothing to hide he would have let here see nothing was there as proof. Granted you friend is stalkerish for knowing he is trying to delete his conversations. But she should confront him then dump him.

 

[Colour Scientist]

So basically I want to know your opinions on a current situation my friends are going through as i just can't make up my mind.
EDIT: this applies to both males and females if it were your friend or partner.

I clicked "Yes, trust him".

Being paranoid and suspicious is a good way to ruin a relationship. Just let it go. Random chatting is no big thing, and poking it is a good way to upset someone. If someone confronted me about something they found in my history, I'd be changing my passwords too - that's invasion of privacy right there.

Right now, I'd say she's in the wrong for looking in the first place (and saying that the woman is in the wrong about a relationship is pretty foreign to me, so... yeah).

It's a free country - he's allowed to chat with whomever he likes.

And so is she.

If the genders were reversed, I'd be angrily talking about how men and women can just be friends and how insensitive he was to look in her account. She should look at it that way - if their situations were reversed, how would she feel about him accusing her of the same? If your friend would be offended if he did this to her, then it is absolutely hypocritical of her to be upset with him over it.

And, fellow Escapists - you think about that too.

I was planning a big post but it's already been done for me.

I would freak out if I caught my boyfriend reading my messages Skype/phone/Facebook or whatever. For me, it would be a dumping offence, depending on the situation. I would, at the very least, change all of my passwords. There's nothing suspicious in there but they're my business, my conversations with other people are none of his business unless I discuss them with him and I'm sure he feels the same way. If you feel the need to do that you don't trust the other person, end of. You're just looking for trouble. I don't believe for a second that she happened to stumble upon their conversations. It might have popped up by chance but she could have given him his privacy. Not only that, she tried to continue reading through them to keep tabs on him AND checked his browser history.

There's no point telling her to trust him, she seems to have already decided that she doesn't. That kind of paranoia and jealousy is going to do her head in so I would advise her to either get out now or try to figure out what it is that's actually making her so paranoid and deal with that.

she fears that if he is searching for something else with people on the internet that there is something seriously wrong with their relationship.

There's something wrong with the relationship but it's not that.

Now there had been issues of trust and cheating years ago when they had been together before but they had both agreed that being 15 you tend to make mistakes and as they are now 24/25 it would be different.

That could well be the source of her paranoia.

 

[Colour Scientist]

That right there is why.

If the conversation, and future conversations, were harmless then there would be no reason to need secrecy. Especially since this comes immediately after a head-on open discussion of the issue.

My internal dishonesty alarm would be blaring quite loudly, and if I can't trust my partner I have no desire to be with them.

Of course he changed his passwords, she was snooping around his private conversations.

 

[Xariat]

I choose other because honestly, I think the relationship is doomed no matter how they handle this.
She can't trust him because of a few skype messages.
He can't trust that she won't snoop around.
I mean they're 25, they should be able to talk about this without getting suspicious about each other.

BUT! for the sake of discussion let's say that they can't talk about this without suspecting things. If my girlfriend decided to confront me because of some messages I sent to a girl in a different country then I'd probably want to change my password too. why? so my girlfriend wouldn't be able to snoop around and draw stupid conclusions that could further ruin the relationship. Now when I chat I can write some pretty borderline things as jokes, this is not because I'm cheating but because I like to throw weird jokes around from time to time. The girl on the other end would probably know that I'm joking and might even play with me, My girlfriend on the other hand might not have the context of the chat and could potentially draw very wrong lines.

However this is all if's and but's, there's not enough context in the OP to draw a straight answer and I think one could argue back and forth about this for a long ass time. it really boils down to the two people in question's personality and behavior, which no one here knows.

 

[Lt._nefarious]

K, well I'd trust her... Or him... If it was in my case it would be a her (or a he if I somehow got asked out by Robert Downey Junior) but for your question he... Right? Got that? I don't...

Anyway if I found out my gal pal was going through my Skype conversations I'd probably change my password too because A) It would mean she had access to a 2 hour text-versation about fake tits and the price of hentai and B) I never ever tell anyone my password to anything.

But if I found out she was talking to another guy on the internet I'd be cool with it. If she's not ever naked underneath/on top of this guy then it's not cheating, just porn, in my mind. I think I'd just assume she was mates with this guy though and leave it at that, I'm fine with that. Also I'd be so fucking thrilled I had a girlfriend that I would probably just roll with it even if I caught her recording herself with her lady-bits exposed while talking to the guy...

*sigh* That was depressing in a "fuck-am-I-really-that-lonely" kinda way...

 

[winginson]

I don't see a problem with just talking, or the fact that he changed his passwords after. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you must lay every single aspect of your life bare.

I put LEAVE. If her first thought isn't "Huh, a friend of his" but "Being cheated on" then it ain't gonna work.

 

[J Tyran]

...he then proceeded to change his passwords, and had been searching up ways to delete skype convo's.

Changing the passwords after she invaded his privacy isn't a red flag by itself at all, in fact its a red flag for him if anything if she is going through his conversation history. Thats getting pretty close to boiling the bunny territory.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

They're 24 and can't just have a sensible discussion with each other about this? Christ...

Yeah I can't really pick an option without knowing more, but there's definitely something wrong. I'd like to point out that saying to someone online that you'd like to keep in touch is about a billion miles away from having an affair, and wanting to keep your passwords your own is reasonable even in a committed relationship. For me that's not even an issue of trust, just privacy. Some of my friends are going through rough patches and they talk to me about very private matters, it wouldn't be fair for me to let anyone in on that, not even a girlfriend. So I'd have changed my passwords too.

But the wanting to permanently delete Skype convos is a bit weird.

 

[Tuesday Night Fever]

Of course he changed his passwords, she was snooping around his private conversations.

And if he'd had nothing to hide, it wouldn't have been an issue. If a person can't be open with their partner in a relationship, then the relationship probably shouldn't continue.

Frankly, I don't think the relationship as described in the original post should exist in the first place. I'm a "once unfaithful, always unfaithful" sort of guy. I have no sympathy for cheaters, because I don't like the threat of a repeat offense always looming over the relationship. The girlfriend in this scenario has a valid reason for being suspicious if she stumbled upon that kind of behavior from her boyfriend (note that it isn't specified that she was intentionally snooping until after he reacted suspiciously, the original poster stated in a later post that the whole thing was found initially by accident).

 

[Thyunda]

No it IS stupid though because if you have to hide things from these people, they're obviously not your real friends.

You're right that they're not my real friends. However the point is irrelevant. I choose to maintain connections with some people who are not my real friends. It's not your business. My page is my page, and I'll use it any way I damn well please. You don't get to dictate that one way of using Facebook is "stupid" just because it's not the way you use Facebook.

But in any case, you're missing the point. It's a page. It's not a big deal. You get to decide how you use it, not me. It's only my business how you use it if it's amusing, and if it offends you that I find people who take themselves too seriously hilarious, then the problem is with you. Get over yourself.

How about you take a moment to think through what you're proposing here: You're calling on me to alter the way I use social media sites in order to accomodate the choices of a tiny number of people like you who don't recognize boundaries and choose to fuck around with other people's stuff for your own amusment. Tell me, did you by chance take the Narcissism Test [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.397709-The-Narcissism-Test]?

Aww, dude! A link! I'll get back to you on this.


EDIT: Authority: 6.00
Self-Sufficiency: 1.00
Superiority: 2.00
Exhibitionism: 3.00
Exploitativeness: 3.00
Vanity: 0.00
Entitlement: 1.00


That's me getting back to you. There you go. Something to say about it I hope?

 

[Colour Scientist]

Of course he changed his passwords, she was snooping around his private conversations.

And if he'd had nothing to hide, it wouldn't have been an issue. If a person can't be open with their partner in a relationship, then the relationship probably shouldn't continue.

Open doesn't mean that you have to be involved in every part of their life. The point of trust is that you don't feel the need to monitor their conversations, it's a total invasion of privacy.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

She should ask him for the truth. If she doesn't believe him afterwards... I dunno, I can't imagine wanting to stay with a person you can't trust.

Asking for the truth is fruitless if someone is lying, the whole idea is you don't tell the truth. It's especially fruitless if you don't trust the answer.

It's a handful of Skype conversations and she appears to have been snooping jealously, no guy wants that following his relationships with other friends. Like I say, it's Skype, it's not as if they can have a real relationship or actually cheat without it becoming painstakingly obvious, the worst that can happen is they IM that they love each other and awkwardly masturbate on camera.

 

[Tuesday Night Fever]

Open doesn't mean that you have to be involved in every part of their life. The point of trust is that you don't feel the need to monitor their conversations, it's a total invasion of privacy.

Again, assuming the OP is telling the truth, the other woman's conversations were found by accident. It's the boyfriend's own fault for not being more careful about hiding something he wanted to hide. And if he wanted to hide it, which he clearly does, then the girlfriend has every reason to be suspicious and cautious since their previous attempt at a relationship ended in failure because he cheated on her. She asked him head-on about something that he allowed to be public, he was evasive, and she's justifiably nervous given the situation.

It's not a healthy relationship environment from the get-go, and this situation is making it that much worse. And the blame is on his shoulders.