Question about "friend zone".

[JesterRaiin]

It didn't occur to me earlier, however when i sobered up enough to remember my life it finnaly got me...

You're in the friend zone, so i guess there was this moment when she said "you're like my best friend, older/younger brother" or similar sh*t.

Question is (or rather questions are) : how could you agree ? Why didn't you protest ? Why haven't you proposed better, more adequate solution ?

http://stickerish.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/JackiechanBlackSS.png

 

[Thaluikhain]

Well, if you were friends with her, and not hanging around her in the hope she'd decide to sleep with you...yeah?

 

[ms_sunlight]

Better for whom, exactly?

 

[JesterRaiin]

Better for whom, exactly?

What are you asking about ? Are you suggesting that switching status from friend to "let's be together" equals hurting somebody ?

 

[Sp3ratus]

There's no such thing as the "friend zone". I'd write something up, but BonsaiK has already said it better than I ever could:

Yes it's possible to be friends with someone but the idea of a "Friend Zone" that you're allocated to after a certain time period of knowing somebody is total fantasy, thought up by bored, lonely, misogynist keyboard jockeys who can't deal with the simple fact that men and women aren't really all that different when it comes to this particular point. They're looking for something to shift the blame for their failures on (because it couldn't possibly be that girls just don't like them much, oh gosh no) so they create this bullshit theory instead of acknowledging the harsh truth: that they never had a chance because she just didn't like them in the first place. Anything but take personal responsibility for their life and actions, hey.

 

[ms_sunlight]

Better for whom, exactly?

What are you asking about ? Are you suggesting that switching status from friend to "let's be together" equals hurting somebody ?

No; I'm suggesting that romantic relationships must by definition be consensual. Moving a relationship in a direction that one of the participants does not want is not better for anyone.

 

[sharks9]

Because it would be pointless. Do you really think you could change the girls mind by saying "How bout instead of being your brother, I'll be your boyfriend!" The girl has obviously made her decision and you can attempt to change it by the way you act, but you're not going to change it by refusing to accept her initial decision.

 

[lord.jeff]

Because if someone doesn't like you that way no amount of force is going to change it, and if you continue to push it she'll stop liking you as a friend as well.

 

[Trull]

I am the master of friendship zones, I have gone in and out of them like hawaii and I'm a trazillionaire, but it's simple how to do it. Drop out of being there for her, then after a while (a week could be enough) swoop back in charming as ever.


The friend zone is a stupid place females have, I don't know why they do it, around 95% of teenage boys are hurt by it. Damn women.

 

[Dascylus]

Que se... Cest la... Ok I'll stick to English... That's life buddy. You've just got to accept it.

In fact, if you can accept and put attraction entirely from your mind you will be happier around her and have more fun as friends.
Sleeping with her may be a possibilty in the future (no guarantees) but it will probably kill the friendship and you will grow apart (Near guarantee).
You cannot fix this, there are no take backs.

On the plus side you have a close female fried who cares about you and that is awesome.

She will be there for you when life gets you down and you can be there for her too...
Just one rule... NEVER COMPLICATE IT BY TRYING TO MAKE IT SOMETHING ELSE.

My relationship rule No. 3: Know where you stand!

Strangely my rules also work for buses and trains but that's another story.

 

[Colour Scientist]

The friend zone is a stupid place females have, I don't know why they do it, around 95% of teenage boys are hurt by it. Damn women.

The 'friend zone' just means she's not into you. It's how girls let guys down when they don't want to hurt their feelings. It doesn't work but can you think of a nice way to reject someone?

It's not because she's only into dating assholes or she's so blind she can't see how good you would be together, she just doesn't want to have sex with you or any other kind of romantic relations.

It's harsh but it's the truth.

Move on and find someone else who does want to have those things with you.

 

[Macgyvercas]

The friend zone is a stupid place females have, I don't know why they do it, around 95% of teenage boys are hurt by it. Damn women.

The 'friend zone' just means she's not into you. It's how girls let guys down when they don't want to hurt their feelings. It doesn't work but can you think of a nice way to reject someone?

Turth be told, I'd prefer a stright up "I'm not interested, and that won't change", but that's just because I don't get subtlety at all.

 

[Batou667]

That BonsaiK quote carries a good point, but I don't think it's the whole story.

I think women are quite alert and perceptive to the fact that the typical bloke is sexually opportunistic, and therefore any platonic friendship between a guy and a girl comes with the unwritten agreement of "hey babe, if we were both single, and you wanted sex... yeah, I'd be game". The girl, wanting to lay down the ground-rules and just cut to the chase, will quite often find the opportunity to make her position clear: phrases like "You're SUCH A NICE SWEET GUY" or "You're like the brother I never had" or something similar (no, I'm not bitter, honest). At this point the guy will either resign himself to being a friend and not constantly awkwardly angling for a relationship, or will f*ck off (thus proving he wasn't worth dealing with in the first place). The great part is, the girl can always change her mind with 90% certainty that the guy will reciprocate her advances.

(Whether a hetero man and a hetero woman can ever have a truly platonic relationship is a debate for another time).

 

[Vegosiux]

The girl, wanting to lay down the ground-rules and just cut to the chase, will quite often find the opportunity to make her position clear: phrases like "You're SUCH A NICE SWEET GUY" or "You're like the brother I never had" or something similar (no, I'm not bitter, honest).

Only that doesn't make the position nearly as clear as "Look, I'm just interested" would have. I dare say the "friend zone talk" is something both genders can use to conveniently shift the responsibility from themselves.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Turth be told, I'd prefer a stright up "I'm not interested, and that won't change", but that's just because I don't get subtlety at all.

Maybe that would be better but when you're in that situation (provided you're not an asshole) all you're trying to do is save the other person's feelings as much as possible while trying to minimize potential fallout afterwards.

With most people being that blunt will lead to questions such as 'Why aren't you interested in me? Am I not good enough? Am I to fat/skinny/tall/short/ugly?'. When attraction to someone is based on a multitude of factors.

It's not the best way to do it, I'll admit, but it's incredibly difficult to find a way to let someone down gently. It's not an attempt to confuse you or string you along.

 

[Vegosiux]

Maybe that would be better but when you're in that situation (provided you're not an asshole) all you're trying to do is save the other person's feelings as much as possible while trying to minimize potential fallout afterwards.

Newsflash: Sugarcoating and going all "You're sweet and all..." sounds utterly patronizing and is generally even more painful and destructive for the other person's feelings.

So no, they're not doing it in order to not hurt the guy's feelings, they're doing it in order to not look themselves as a "cold *****". But ironically, acting like a "cold *****" would at least show some respect in the fact that things are said cleanly and to the point, without beating around the bush trying to make oneself look nice and gentle and sensitive.

Basically, if you turn someone down, at least don't insult them by assuming they can't take the fall. That's a lot more assholeish than simply stating the truth sincerely is.

Goes for both genders, mind. Guys ain't too innocent in the friend-zone talk either.

 

[spartan231490]

Has it ever occured to you that that "proposal", to use your term, is exactly what caused her/him to say the above statement? cuz that's usually the way it happens to me. Yes, I am in enough friend zones for my entrance to have developed a pattern. No, I don't want to talk about it, this isn't the damn Oprah Winfrey show.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Newsflash: Sugarcoating and going all "You're sweet and all..." sounds utterly patronizing and is generally even more painful and destructive for the other person's feelings.

So no, they're not doing it in order to not hurt the guy's feelings, they're doing it in order to not look themselves as a "cold *****". But ironically, acting like a "cold *****" would at least show some respect in the fact that things are said cleanly and to the point, without beating around the bush trying to make oneself look nice and gentle and sensitive.

Basically, if you turn me down, at least don't insult me by assuming I can't take the fall.

And your theory on why some women let people down like that is based on..? Your many experiences as being a woman letting someone down? If not, you aren't in the best position to judge.

Besides, why would a woman reject someone like that in order to not see herself as a "cold *****"? I don't see how not wanting to be with a particular person and telling them so makes them one. Instead of 'trying to make oneself look nice', maybe they are just trying to be nice. It's not like they have anything to gain or lose by being gentle about it.

 

[Vegosiux]

And your theory on why some women let people down like that is based on..? Your many experiences as being a woman letting someone down? If not, you aren't in the best position to judge.

I am not judging, but rather stating how I see the entire thing.

Besides, why would a woman reject someone like that in order to not see herself as a "cold *****"? I don't see how not wanting to be with a particular person and telling them so makes them one. Instead of 'trying to make oneself look nice', maybe they are just trying to be nice. It's not like they have anything to gain or lose by being gentle about it.

Sometimes honest and nice don't combine well. In that case, I'd take honest over nice every time. Sometimes, things need to be said. Sometimes, things that need to be said simply aren't nice. Sometimes, people will be let down. One would do well to accept that as a fact of life and deal with it. And yes, I find it patronizing and insulting when people try to sugar-coat it. And that doesn't only apply to relationships, but pretty much everything.

If you don't feel the same way about something as I do, fine, you just don't. There's no need to explain it.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Besides, why would a woman reject someone like that in order to not see herself as a "cold *****"? I don't see how not wanting to be with a particular person and telling them so makes them one. Instead of 'trying to make oneself look nice', maybe they are just trying to be nice. It's not like they have anything to gain or lose by being gentle about it.

Not giving a straight answer might spare you from looking bad but the other party will simply be confused, so they will stick around and keep wondering what all that sweet talk meant if you aren't actually interested.
Just tell people what the situation is clearly and politely so they can start dealing with it.

OT: Friendships have much lower criteria then relationships, so just because you are friends with someone you cannot expect that will have any weight on relationship prospects.
The most likely scenario is you got stuck at the friendship part because one of you wasn't attracted to the other.
Word of advice kids, for the sake of your sanity don't ever mix close friends and relationships, and keep in mind that alot of people will keep dancing around the issue and never give you a clear answer so when things get fishy you might want to step back and think about it for a second.