Question about "friend zone".

[Colour Scientist]

Not giving a straight answer might spare you from looking bad but the other party will simply be confused, so they will stick around and keep wondering what all that sweet talk meant if you aren't actually interested.
Just tell people what the situation is clearly and politely so they can start dealing with it.

But why would a person look bad for just rejecting someone in the first place? Also, how did this hypothetical situation become about me?

 

[archvile93]

Well I wouldn't know since I've never had anything more than the briefest interaction with women, but I'd guess that people don't say anything because they hope that she'll fall for them if they stay in there long enough. Or their just too afraid to be honest.

 

[CrashBang]

OP isn't the most well-structured post but I'm guessing you're talking about what we do when we enter the friend zone and how to avoid it...

Well, there isn't one. I've entered the 'friend zone' twice and come out the other side twice.

Story time!

Back in college, I was best friends with a girl. We were mates for a year and she was like my sister, but I had a crush on her. I never acted on it because I resigned myself to the 'friend zone'. Then one New Year we went to Paris together and wound up getting together. Then we spent eighteen months in the worst relationship ever, but that's beside the point.


Also, I had a crush on another girl during university. I was in love with this girl for almost two years and was really close friends with her. I asked her out twice and both times she said she just couldn't see me as her boyfriend...
She is now my girlfriend. After finishing university, she realised how much she missed me and her real feelings just kinda surfaced and now we've been going out for three weeks and I couldn't be happier!

So yeah, there is no friend zone, it's a myth and if you really want friendship to become a relationship then just prove your worth! Be charming, funny and occasionally flirty and you'll get the girl. Simple.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Turth be told, I'd prefer a stright up "I'm not interested, and that won't change", but that's just because I don't get subtlety at all.

Maybe that would be better but when you're in that situation (provided you're not an asshole) all you're trying to do is save the other person's feelings as much as possible while trying to minimize potential fallout afterwards.

With most people being that blunt will lead to questions such as 'Why aren't you interested in me? Am I not good enough? Am I to fat/skinny/tall/short/ugly?'. When attraction to someone is based on a multitude of factors.

It's not the best way to do it, I'll admit, but it's incredibly difficult to find a way to let someone down gently. It's not an attempt to confuse you or string you along.

I get what they're trying to do, but I'm just saying that sugarcoating it makes it hurt more. And again, I can't take a hint unless it's applied with a sledgehammer.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

The 'Friend Zone' only exists in the minds of people who can't get over the fact that some bird/bloke/refridgerator(bloody kids these days) they're sweet on doesn't see them as rumpy-pumpy material.

Here's how you get 'out' of the 'Friend Zone' - accept shit as it is and move on.

 

[Smooth Operator]

But why would a person look bad for just rejecting someone in the first place? Also, how did this hypothetical situation become about me?

Why rejecting people makes you look bad, have you never been rejected? Well I guess that's a possibility.
In short you make the person who just poured out their hearth feel bad, that will generally make you look like an ass, and that is why so many people can't give a straight answer, to cover their ass.

My wording is not aimed at you personally, "you" simply represents the reader so anyone who finds themselves in that spot could better understand the situation from both ends.

 

[JesterRaiin]

Because it would be pointless. Do you really think you could change the girls mind by saying "How bout instead of being your brother, I'll be your boyfriend!" The girl has obviously made her decision and you can attempt to change it by the way you act, but you're not going to change it by refusing to accept her initial decision.

Yes. Why do you think it's impossible ?

There's no such thing as the "friend zone". I'd write something up, but BonsaiK has already said it better than I ever could:

I work with young people and my experience tells me otherwise, so i disagree.

Better for whom, exactly?

What are you asking about ? Are you suggesting that switching status from friend to "let's be together" equals hurting somebody ?

No; I'm suggesting that romantic relationships must by definition be consensual. Moving a relationship in a direction that one of the participants does not want is not better for anyone.

Nope. Haven't you ever participated in successfull joint events with people practically dragged into cooperation ?

Because if someone doesn't like you that way no amount of force is going to change it, and if you continue to push it she'll stop liking you as a friend as well.

Nope.
1. There's a saying "better to ruin than regret of not even trying"
2. No human is completely impervious to change.

The friend zone is a stupid place females have, I don't know why they do it, around 95% of teenage boys are hurt by it. Damn women.

Who's worse : natural predator or victim that doesn't even try to fight back despite being able to successfully defend itself ?

Que se... Cest la... Ok I'll stick to English... That's life buddy. You've just got to accept it.

"Gods help those who help themselves."

It's harsh but it's the truth.

And if this is only "unintentional" test ? "Is he going to act, try to fight like true alpha or not ?"

Well I wouldn't know since I've never had anything more than the briefest interaction with women, but I'd guess that people don't say anything because they hope that she'll fall for them if they stay in there long enough. Or their just too afraid to be honest.

Interesting. That's what bothers me - mantaining a lie seems (for some people) less horrible than taking the risk.

OP isn't the most well-structured post but I'm guessing you're talking about what we do when we enter the friend zone and how to avoid it...

Nope. I'm non-english speaking person thinking in a little unorthodox ways. I'm sorry for any misunderstanding.
This post is about simple question : "friendzone inhabitants, y u no stood up and claimed what's yours ?"

Back in college, I was best friends with a girl. We were mates for a year and she was like my sister, but I had a crush on her. I never acted on it because I resigned myself to the 'friend zone'. Then one New Year we went to Paris together and wound up getting together. Then we spent eighteen months in the worst relationship ever, but that's beside the point.

I agree.

Also, I had a crush on another girl during university. I was in love with this girl for almost two years and was really close friends with her. I asked her out twice and both times she said she just couldn't see me as her boyfriend...
She is now my girlfriend. After finishing university, she realised how much she missed me and her real feelings just kinda surfaced and now we've been going out for three weeks and I couldn't be happier!

That's interesting. So everything she really needed was only time ? Was she meeting with other guys while away from you ?

So yeah, there is no friend zone, it's a myth and if you really want friendship to become a relationship then just prove your worth! Be charming, funny and occasionally flirty and you'll get the girl. Simple.

I disagree.
Also, married for long, long years, but thanks for advice.

 

[sniddy_v1legacy]

That BonsaiK quote carries a good point, but I don't think it's the whole story.

...The great part is, the girl can always change her mind with 90% certainty that the guy will reciprocate her advances.

(Whether a hetero man and a hetero woman can ever have a truly platonic relationship is a debate for another time).

This this is it - the friend zone, I feel, is a nice buffer insecure women have...and a lot of teenage girls are insecure....it's a body of people that make her feel secure and wanted so she doesn't want to drive them away....

Maybe I'm wrong but I think the 'friend zone' is a very one sided and abusive relationship, even if unintentionally so.

 

[lord.jeff]

Because if someone doesn't like you that way no amount of force is going to change it, and if you continue to push it she'll stop liking you as a friend as well.

Nope.
1. There's a saying "better to ruin than regret of not even trying"
2. No human is completely impervious to change.

Sometimes they'll change but most of the time your going to push them away is you keep insisting, so are you willing to lose the friendship for a chance at a girlfriend?

 

[JesterRaiin]

Because if someone doesn't like you that way no amount of force is going to change it, and if you continue to push it she'll stop liking you as a friend as well.

Nope.
1. There's a saying "better to ruin than regret of not even trying"
2. No human is completely impervious to change.

Sometimes they'll change but most of the time your going to push them away is you keep insisting, so are you willing to lose the friendship for a chance at a girlfriend?

If i'd feel that she's "the one" there really would be no other way.

 

[jacobythehedgehog]

Friend Zone isn't bad. I would rather just have a close friend then anything

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Question is (or rather questions are) : how could you agree ? Why didn't you protest ? Why haven't you proposed better, more adequate solution ?

If a guy is the supposed friend zone and and they do anything other than agree, the friendship is instantly over and the lady sees him as a cankerous douche-nozzle, solidifying her choice to reject him and probably wishing she was bitchier in the decision. And he is gonna see her as... actually, I don't even know what happens, since I've never been in this spot and I hope to never get into a spot like that (a 12-gauge slug to the medulla oblongata would be preferable). Can someone fill me in on what that thought process involves?

 

[Liviola]

It really depends on the girl. Some girls use it to keep guys who like her wrapped around her finger and string him along, making them do their every bidding while waving the possibility of sex in front of them.

Other, non-manipulative-***** girls genuinely want to be friends with the guy because they are uncomfortable with getting into a relationship for whatever reason (for example, just out of a break-up/don't know the guy well enough to make a decision/not sexually attracted to them/interested in another person).

So before you guys try to come up with yet another Overarching Universal Theory Of All Girls (or all people, since this issue can go either way and apply to any gender/sexual orientation).. which I know a lot of guys in teenage years wrack their brains trying to formulate one.. every single girl is different, her reasons will be different from the next girl's, and you should be careful not to treat every case exactly the same.

In summary, if she is a manipulative ***** in general, though, be wary and walk away. If she is the nicest girl ever, don't be hasty to give up. From personal experience (NB: I'm a shy girl who was pretty much asexual and not interested in anyone during highschool), I would have friendzoned my current boyfriend if he tried to push the relationship thing with me too soon. Sometimes it's just a bit scary and interest comes as a shock if you never really considered being in a full-blown relationship with that person.. and sometimes that first reaction is to run away or protect yourself with saying "Eheheh.. ^_^;;.. BUDDY! >_>;;"

 

[Combustion Kevin]

question: would you start a relationship with someone who was'nt your friend?

think about that.

 

[Nemu]

Wasn't it a guy who coined the term "friend zone"? Why is it the girl's fault if she's not into a dude?
Oh...wait, you're awesome, I forgot.

Get over it-if she's not into you, she's not into you. Move on and trust that fate will guide you to someone who will love you.

[sub] Not 'you' specifically, OP, 'you' in general, man or woman.[/sub]

 

[Mallefunction]

It really depends on the girl. Some girls use it to keep guys who like her wrapped around her finger and string him along, making them do their every bidding while waving the possibility of sex in front of them.

Other, non-manipulative-***** girls genuinely want to be friends with the guy because they are uncomfortable with getting into a relationship for whatever reason (for example, just out of a break-up/don't know the guy well enough to make a decision/not sexually attracted to them/interested in another person).

So before you guys try to come up with yet another Overarching Universal Theory Of All Girls (or all people, since this issue can go either way and apply to any gender/sexual orientation).. which I know a lot of guys in teenage years wrack their brains trying to formulate one.. every single girl is different, her reasons will be different from the next girl's, and you should be careful not to treat every case exactly the same.

In summary, if she is a manipulative ***** in general, though, be wary and walk away. If she is the nicest girl ever, don't be hasty to give up. From personal experience (NB: I'm a shy girl who was pretty much asexual and not interested in anyone during highschool), I would have friendzoned my current boyfriend if he tried to push the relationship thing with me too soon. Sometimes it's just a bit scary and interest comes as a shock if you never really considered being in a full-blown relationship with that person.. and sometimes that first reaction is to run away or protect yourself with saying "Eheheh.. ^_^;;.. BUDDY! >_>;;"

Pretty much this.

It's also awkward because some guys will ONLY become your friends because they think that paying attention to you and being a shoulder to cry on will get them laid. So everything they've ever done for you comes into question when they ask you out. "So does he really care for me? Did he buy me ice cream after my sister and I fought because he cared or because he thought this would score him more points and give him a better shot?"

Don't you guys deny that those people don't exist either.

 

[Ranorak]

It didn't occur to me earlier, however when i sobered up enough to remember my life it finnaly got me...

You're in the friend zone, so i guess there was this moment when she said "you're like my best friend, older/younger brother" or similar sh*t.

Question is (or rather questions are) : how could you agree ? Why didn't you protest ? Why haven't you proposed better, more adequate solution ?

Because most girls I'm friend zone'd with are my actual FRIENDS.
Contrary to popular believe not all males want to bang every chick that is nice to them.

Several of my female friends are in fact also in MY friend zone, and I wouldn't sleep with them if they begged me.

 

[Navvan]

Turth be told, I'd prefer a stright up "I'm not interested, and that won't change", but that's just because I don't get subtlety at all.

Maybe that would be better but when you're in that situation (provided you're not an asshole) all you're trying to do is save the other person's feelings as much as possible while trying to minimize potential fallout afterwards.

With most people being that blunt will lead to questions such as 'Why aren't you interested in me? Am I not good enough? Am I to fat/skinny/tall/short/ugly?'. When attraction to someone is based on a multitude of factors.

It's not the best way to do it, I'll admit, but it's incredibly difficult to find a way to let someone down gently. It's not an attempt to confuse you or string you along.

I get what they're trying to do, but I'm just saying that sugarcoating it makes it hurt more. And again, I can't take a hint unless it's applied with a sledgehammer.

I'm rather similar in that subtlety is just something I don't get. Fortunately its to such an extent that most people who are around me enough seem to grasp this rather quickly and learn to be direct with me. Those who don't eventually get told to be direct from either myself or a friend who already learned the lesson.

On topic: The friend-zone "exists" in a sense, although its not the horrible nightmare trap most men make it out to be. If you become good friends with someone for an extended period of time is only natural that you begin to view the person in a light that excludes romance. I do it myself (I'm male fyi) to females I become friends with. Initially I might find them attractive and be interested in dating but as I begin to know them better that initial attraction wears off and the relationship just moves in a different direction. Finding out that they were interested in romance after that point would just be awkward.