Question to girls who've suffered from body image 'issues'

[Aesir23]

It depends on if it's insecurity or an actual mental illness causing the issue.

In regards to plain insecurity, compliments certainly help. Even something as simple as saying "You're pretty."


At least, that's my personal experience. Most of the time I feel I'm incredibly average but when my ex-boyfriend would compliment my appearance whilst we were dating my self-esteem shot through the roof.

 

[blackrave]

Forget the drama about why.

What could have been said to make you feel not gross?

I won't bore you with my reason for asking.

[i/]I'd still F*** you....[/i]

no?....uh yeah I don't know

I never had really bad body image issues...I don't consider myslf overly attractive eather

To be honest that might work
I once made a similar comment to girl who was down about her looks
For some reasons that instantly made her smile (and most probably made her feel a bit better)

Although I can see how horribly that can backfire

 

[Rawne1980]

'That's a cute bush!' (Made me feel better about having a hairy downstairs.)

Okay, the first giggle snort of the day goes to you.

That made me chuckle.

On to ye olde topic....

As a bloke who likes to keep fit my wife helpfully pointed out that one day soon (she likes to call me old man even though she's older) i'll be to old to work out and my chest muscles will relax and turn into moobs.

She finds that amusing.

Although she's kindly said I can borrow her bra's when that happens.

 

[AnnaIME]

A compliment has to come with a look of appreciation. If you just say it without paying attention to the one you are addressing, it won't feel real.

And never, ever give compliments you don't mean. That's just mean.

 

[Lieju]

personally, I had issues in teenage years when I hit puberty and got breasts and periods, both of which I found disturbing and not right. It has a lot to do with me being, not transexual, but sort of not really all that interested in being either male or female. (and being sexually interested in women)

It would have helped if society would have been less fixated on your gender, and if people wouldn't have tried to get me fit into the mold of their idea of a 'girl' or a 'woman'.

 

[Evil Smurf]

My girlfriend has image issues, she thinks she looks ugly. I tell her that she makes me feel amazing as well as saying I like what she did with certain parts of her appearance. Also she does not eat in public, which is a little odd.

Why are women so image centered?

 

[Hagi]

I could be horribly mistaken,

but from my, admittedly small, experience it's good to focus more on a consistent positive attitude towards her body rather than occasional compliments.

Occasional compliments can feel quite disingenuous at times and can wreak havoc when, for whatever reason, you don't give one in a while. Especially if you get really complimentary, girls who feel they don't look anywhere near great won't ever believe you think they do, they might accept nice and/or cute though.

Rather wait for questions or remarks to come up, agree with positive ones with a smile and disagree with negative ones as something other people might think. Have your own personal opinion about her body and make it clear you're comfortable and confident about it, you like her looks and if others disagree that's their loss.

At least that's what I think, might be wrong of course.

 

[Mr F.]

Werl...

You directed this at girls but I will step in. Speaking as a guy who has dated girls with hellish body issues. What do you say to make them feel better? Never really learnt. Compliment someone too much and it loses all form of meaning, compliment someone too little and it can sound insincere. Things like "You look even more fantastic than normal" are good because they simultaneously indicate that normally they look fantastic AND that they look even better than normal!

Never say shit like "You look tired". There is nothing worse then being told you look tired when you assumed you looked wide awake and happy. Now, if the body image issues stem rather deep there are a few other things you can do. What follows are my two tips for dating anorexics/bulimics, tried and tested in the field:

- Share food. But really don't. Sandwiches and pizza are good for this one. Take minute bites and pass them strait back. That way, because the food is being shared, more of it can be eaten. If you are careful this can mean you get a decent meal into someone. Sneaky? Mean? Someone might get angry with me? Don't care.
- If the person you are with purges after food do yourself a favour and fucking CLING TO THEM for about 30 minutes after you have eaten. Just do it.

Tread carefully around subjects such as weight and comparison with other people. It is wise to do so.

That it sall.

 

[Dr. Doomsduck]

Why are women so image centered?

It probably has to do with the fact that the media constantly tells us what to wear, how to wear it, that we're too fat, too ugly, need more make-up, need more bling to be validated as a part of society because those companies want to sell their products. It's so effective because in history, being a looker was one of the few accomplishments a woman could reach and it was expected of her.

The only thing I can compare it to is the 'macho-issue' amongst men and the idea that you'll forever be 'friendzoned' if you don't act like a jerk. Likewise, if you're not on a crash diet and refuse to put on heaps of make-up, you're an ugly fat cow.

 

[Ferisar]

See, I somehow wish I could participate in being a self-conscious wreck because that and being male just doesn't work for some reason. Something about gender stereotypes and all that.

If I was one, comments about my hair would actually probably work. I mean... They work now?

But seriously, I imagine it really depends? I could only try to touch upon other's vanity when being in a position of a friend. I can't imagine coming up to someone I have no relations to and pretending that I can make them feel better by commenting on their looks. I mean, comforting someone? That's reasonable, but not by pointing out... Well, anything about their physicality, at least not until you know them better.

I had a thing with someone once who actually put me in that position by asking about her breast size. It actually kind of threw me off because I was never bothered by size so I didn't know how to respond :l

/veers further off-subject

 

[Jenvas1306]

yeah... thats a difficult topic for me. If there are people out there who wouldnt even see you as a woman at all, its difficult to belive when someone tells you you were pretty. In fact, I guess I am not ugly at all, but I think its especially difficult if you're TG.
Usually compliments from my bf are rare, but the few are either really nice and beliveable or plain weird

 

[Evil Smurf]

Why are women so image centered?

It probably has to do with the fact that the media constantly tells us what to wear, how to wear it, that we're too fat, too ugly, need more make-up, need more bling to be validated as a part of society because those companies want to sell their products. It's so effective because in history, being a looker was one of the few accomplishments a woman could reach and it was expected of her. Man, I do hate pop culture sometimes.

The only thing I can compare it to is the 'macho-issue' amongst men and the idea that you'll forever be 'friendzoned' if you don't act like a jerk. I could never be a jerk, besides being charming and kind (coupled with good looks) got me the girl.

Likewise, if you're not on a crash diet and refuse to put on heaps of make-up, you're an ugly fat cow.

and yet put too much on and you look like a slut

 

[VoEC]

yeah... thats a difficult topic for me. If there are people out there who wouldnt even see you as a woman at all, its difficult to belive when someone tells you you were pretty. In fact, I guess I am not ugly at all, but I think its especially difficult if you're TG.

Yeah, I know how that feels. Being tg is probably the only reason that my self-image is so f*cked up.

I guess the only thing anyone could say that would make me stop thinking that I'm disgusting is something like "I love you". Because then the other stuff wouldn't matter... probably.

 

[bluepilot]

Tough call

I was one of those girls who was a late bloomer. Until I passed my 20s I was overweight, had acne and eczema everywhere, so yeah, I knew that I was not pretty and I had no hope to be pretty so I poured my heart into my music, my art, studies e.t.c. People would tell me that I was really talented which was great. I was happy to be the ugly duckling so long as I had other things to fall back on. I hoped to meet somebody who could see past the rolls of fat and scab encrusted skin and see the beauty within.

Then post-purberty came. The weight melted right off, my skin cleared up and started to glow. I have all the right things in all the right places. I get plenty of attention and people always tell me that I am pretty. However, I hate it. I look at the people who tell me these things and just know that a few years ago they would have never given me a second glance. I want them to look past my superficial features, and see the 15 year old fat scab-encrusted girl inside.

I always though that if my body were to change then I would change. But I did not. I see a fat me in the mirror and I can only perceive my thin body through measuring it objectively or by being touched by other people.

I think that people with body hang-ups want people to see something about them other than the way they look...in my case I want people to understand that I hate being judged by my looks, good or bad, and I want them to see something else...I want them to take a genuine interest in me...I think that the sincerity involved is far more important then what you say.

 

[Eddie the head]

This just got me thinking about something. So this might be hijacking a bit but, if you liked a guy and he didn't respond to your flirting, or what have you, would you think it's because of how you looked? I ask because I think I might have made someone feel bad. I know I'm a dick.

 

[Daveman]

Nothing anyone can ever say will make a girl feel comfortable in her own body. "You look good/great/similar comments" doesn't help, as we think people are lying or actually outright insulting us. "Oh, you've lost weight!" is so loaded I don't even need to go there. "You need to/You should ______" ... again, loaded.

I can't think of anything anyone has ever said that doesn't make you question their motives and makes you uncomfortable.

Never mention looks, honestly. "You are an amazing person" would work. Don't highlight specific body parts either, because it makes us think you're trying to find some way to compliment us and are avoiding an outright compliment. Sometiems even calling a girl smart will make us think "they're saying that because I'm ugly."

... You can't win, really. Sorry.

How about a hug? They can work wonders.

 

[DanDanikov]

Why can't men have body issues?

lisadagz really hit the nail on the head here. Compliments that distract or deflect from our perceived flaws end up being insulting, because, in our minds, it's so obvious, how can you not notice it? The best compliments are ones that are honest about the qualities we obsess over (and anything beyond that is gravy).

 

[Scorched_Cascade]

Why can't men have body issues?

I actually came here to post the exact same thing but read into the OP's words a bit and think s/he's trying to comfort someone he knows well (like a girlfriend for example) or at least well enough that she's asking him/her questions on how she looks.

S/He's trying to get through to some girl he knows rather than randomly comfort someone.

I'd rather s/he have put the whole story so we had some context but it'd probably get derailed into "advice forum: goto" or people picking apart his/her unrelated reasoning processes.

 

[MetalMagpie]

What could have been said to make you feel not gross?

Honestly? I can't really think of anything.

My mother was always the best at reassuring me by a) insisting very firmly that there was nothing wrong with the way I looked and b) saying that I would probably lose the extra pounds at the end of my teens (which I did), because that's what happened to her. My mother was the only person who I could accept comments about my appearance from.

My recommendation to anyone with a friend or family member who has body issues is not to talk about it! Don't bring up the subject, and if they bring up the subject, try to move the conversation on as soon as it starts getting negative. Most people I have known with body issues (myself included) spend far too much time dwelling on it, which isn't helpful.

Teenagers generally grow out of this problem at some point. If you know someone in their twenties (or older) with severe body image issues, there's always the possibility of them seeing a counsellor about it. Sometimes just talking to someone whose job is to listen can be helpful.

This just got me thinking about something. So this might be hijacking a bit but, if you liked a guy and he didn't respond to your flirting, or what have you, would you think it's because of how you looked? I ask because I think I might have made someone feel bad. I know I'm a dick.

Personally, I'd assume that he was taken, gay, very Christian, or I was just not his type. *shrug*

But I don't have self esteem issues, so I can't speak for someone who does.

 

[MetalMagpie]

My last boyfriend, however, never complimented my boobs, but frequently vocalised an appreciation for large boobs on other women. An example of how not to increase your girlfriend's self esteem.

My current boyfriend earned himself a big fat tick early on by coming out with the line "More than a handful is a waste, and huge boobs are scary".

My logic was that there are two possibilities:
a) He truly means that and I can stop caring about my small boobs.
b) He doesn't mean it, but cared enough about my feelings to practice that line until he could say it in a totally convincing voice.

Either way works.