Roleplaying Quotes

[sidhe3141]

This is a thread for the strangest and funniest quotes you have heard around an RPG table. Last words (especially if it was just before a TPK) are appreciated.

And so, I will start with one I heard secondhand:
"I sneak-attack him with a ballista!" (Heard during a tournament, and yes, the ballista sneak attack actually worked)

 

[smallharmlesskitten]

the dragon eats you.... the dragon then chokes on your stupidity

 

[Birras]

My first time dungeon mastering with all the handbooks (we actually tried to play using only a monster manual once ):

Up ahead in the road, you see a traveling bard, he introduces himself as Omar, and he will be important later on in the story, wait, f**k, I wasn't supposed to say that part. Now I have to find a new campaign, Jesus.

 

[sidhe3141]

One from a campampaign I was actually in:

Sorcerer: "I open the sack."
DM: "You see three goblets."
Sorcerer: "I cast Detect Magic."
DM: "You don't need to. One of them bashes you in the face."
Rogue: "I throw a knife at the goblet."
(DM tries to talk the rogue out of doing that and fails; one attack roll, damage roll, and Heal check later
DM: "Okay, so the knife hits the sorcerer in the back of the neck, dropping him, but he's stable at -2. And the goblet starts going after you. And you just took down the only character in the party that could handle it easily."

 

[JakubK666]

Sorry for my poor memory which kills most of the lol factor but here's how it goes:

During a very late game:

GM - You come across huge steel doors.There is no way you can open them.

Player 1 - Attempts to bash the doors open.

GM - The doors fail to move.(OOC:Listen, you guys woke me up in the middle of the night to do this roleplay and I don't have any of my resources.I really can't remember what was behind these doors.Just leave it.)

Player 1 - Scans for a hidden unlocking mechanism.

GM - There are no hidden mechanism because the door consists of two steel blocks slapped together.(OOC: Just go!)

Player 1 - Examines the door for any strange markings.

GM - The door has some unknown ancient runes engraved on it's surface.You're unable to read it. (OOC: Do it.)

Player 1 - Cast "Translate".

GM - Suddenly you're able to understand the ancient runes.

Player 1 - Reads the ancient runes.

GM - The Ancient Runes say: FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP PISSING THE GAME MASTER OFF!

 

[zen5887]

^ Aahah thats great

I'll try to remember some of mine..

Elf Rogue: Hey, barbarian.. Can I have that +1 short sword you have?

Half Orc Barb: ..No you allready have one Rogue, dont be greedy

Rogue: Well what are you going to do with it?

Barb: I'll be using it to get the Elf meat out of my teeth in a second

Wizard: Both of you shut it.. We'll sell the all the loot when we get back to town

Player of the Rogue: Psst.. DM.. I wanna steal the sword off the barb *rolls* heres my check

*I roll for the barbs spot check - it beats the Rogues*

DM: Okay.. Barbarian you feel somthing and notice the Elf fiddlying in your backpack..

Player of the barb: I draw my greataxe, rage and attack.. Crit hit.. 50somthing damage

Player of the Rogue: ..I only have 30somthing health..

Everyone: ..Oww....

Good times

EDIT: It is no longer the colour Red

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Zen...Rouge is the colour red, you're looking for Rogue

 

[zen5887]

Well there you go...

Shows how much I pay attention to things ><

 

[Zemalac]

YES! I've actually been thinking of starting a thread for this, merely to post the following quote.

(during a boss fight)

DM, to the party rogue: "How the hell did you just deal seventy-four damage with a dagger?"

The boss fight ended earlier than expected.

 

[LewsTherin]

"Why can't you read?"

"I gave up languages for +1 to hit!"

my friend plays a barbarian

 

[PedroSteckecilo]

Player: I make them notice me!
GM and other players: You what?
Player: I MAKE them notice me?
GM: Alright, you stand up and wave your arms around like an idiot, the drug dealers notice you, draw several large automatic weapons and open fire.
Player: I didn't mean it like that...

(In defense of the GM, it was a superhero game, the player could take a few bullets)

 

[Stammer]

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> The color of the day is cheese.
Player>> ... Uhh...
Player>> Hi?
[GM]Dave>> I ask you: what sound does tomorrow make?
[GM]Dave>> The otter wants to know.
Player>> The what?
Player>> What otter?
[GM]Dave>> That is a question.
[GM]Dave>> It bears the mark of the question.
[GM]Dave>> I fear it.
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, Yes, YES.
[GM]Dave>> What is going on indeed?
[GM]Dave>> Only the otter can tell us.
Player>> WHAT OTTER?
[GM]Dave>> Quiet, you mad fool!
[GM]Dave>> They will hear you.
Player>> WHO?
[GM]Dave>> You have spoken with the owl?
[GM]Dave>> He is a delicious bird.
[GM]Dave>> Delicious in his madness.
Player>> I have no idea what the hell you're saying!
[GM]Dave>> What is knowing?
[GM]Dave>> The otter knows.
Player>> WHAT GODDAMNED OTTER?!
[GM]Dave>> He has heard you.
[GM]Dave>> The end times have begun.
[GM]Dave>> Tomorrow shall make no sound.
Player>> You're freaking crazy.
[GM]Dave>> Quickly! We must hide!
[GM]Dave>> I can feel his apathy.
Player>> What do you mean hide?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> Oh, Christ.
Player>> What the hell now?!
[GM]Dave>> WE ARE LOST!!!
[GM]Dave>> THE OTTER HAS FOUND US!!!
Player>> Where?
[GM]Dave>> There!
[GM]Dave>> He sits there bathing in our fear!
Player>> That?
Player>> That's what you're afraid of?!
Player>> IT'S A FREAKING RABBIT!
[GM]Dave>> That is only what it wants you to think.
[GM]Dave>> The truth lies underneath.
[GM]Dave>> Underneath lies madness.
Player>> OH SHUT UP!
Player>> I'll kill it.

The Wild Hare uses Acquiessense.
Player is defeated by the Otter.

[GM]Dave>> The otter...
[GM]Dave>> He cries.

([GM]Dave's Surrealism blog)

 

[sidhe3141]

In a Warhammer Fantasy game:
"So first this guy gave me a flaming sword. Then I took a mutation and got bat wings. Then I tried on a magic ring and got permenant claws. It's like the dice are TRYING to turn me into a demon."

 

[tales of meteor]

I was playing this wierd game before set in the future or something
GM: So these guys are from a planet 10,000 light years away and defend the galaxy,
where as these guys are from a planet full of darkness and war"
Me: How do you no all this
GM: um.. i read it from this hand book, i keep right next to ....
(He went to pick up a hand book of a nearby table, and noticed it was gone)
Me: You mean this handbook
(I took it well he wasn't looking)
GM: give that back
Me: did you just memorise it,
Gm: well um...
Me: do you even have a job or girl friend?
Gm: do you?
Me: i don't have to im 13 not 22

 

[ninja chicken]

GM: You see 3 orcs behind the corner:
Wizzard: no I don't! they're behind the corner!
GM: Wizzard doesn't notice the orc because h'es too buisy eating a mars bar.
Wizzard: No mars bar in my inventory.
GM: Ranger notices a mars bar sticking out of wizzard's ass, he better give it away to the wizzard.
Ranger: I eat the assy mars bar.
GM:Wizzard notices the ranger eating his mars bar.
Wizzard: I CAST FIREBALL ON HIM!
GM: FB deals 10 damage to ranger!
Ranger: I punch wizzard.
GM: Punch deals 2 damage to wizzard.
Warrior: I drink punch
GM: Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior.
Warrior: OMG THE PUNCH IS ALIVE!
GMunch deals 2 damage to Warrior.
Warrior: I kick punch!
GMunch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Kick does 0 damage to punch.
Warrior: I charge at punch!
GMunch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Charge does 0 damage to punch.
Warrior: I puke at punch!
Wizzard: I nuke at punch!
Ranger: I suck at punch!
Punch: MUAHAHHAHA (Gm did this)
GMunch deals 2 damage to Warrior.Warrior dies.
Warrior: that punch must be multi-classed....
GM: Ranger horror roll. 5. your spirit is 3 soo... you get an infarct.
Ranger: from what?
GM: imagine a cup of punch killing a huge warrior.
Ranger: TERRIFYING!
ranger is stunned.
Wizzard: I have no choice... I MUST!
wizzard dies.
Wizzard: w8, rez me.
wizzard somehow rezzez lol.
Wizzard: I USE!...
wizzard dies
Wizzard: fuck!
GM: the group is dead. god of life grants you...
Every1: this sux.

 

[Saskwach]

Look no further than this collection. (not mine - I wish it had been) [http://www.geocities.com/whoisceres2/dndquotes.html]

 

[Omnidum]

We have an annoying player in my group, and everytime he get's damaged:

YOU GAAAAYYYY!!!!! *roaring*



Each fight takes five minutes if he's hit...

 

[PedroSteckecilo]

(PC's next action after attaching a grappling hook to the leg of a pirate captain who had been making the PC's walk the plank)

CAPTAIN SWING ATTACK!

 

[Omnidum]

Also, when our Dwarf Fighter missed his "Lore" roll:

[DM] "Hmm, you can see it's made of green water, looks like a snake and is trying to bite you with teeth made of acid. And they hurt."