Romance is Futile

[wulf3n]

They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again.

I'm curious. What non-mundane things do you participate in now that you couldn't do with a partner?

 

[NoeL]

and finding a single woman in a sea of taken women is next to impossible.

You should really stop looking in the sea of taken women then. What are you expecting? Try the sea of single women instead - much better payoff.

Anyway, OP is clearly just young and awkward, like many people are/were. You'll eventually find your courage (even if it's in liquid form) and ask someone out on a scary "date" (dude, it's just two people hanging out and getting to know each other. Nothing to stress about). After the first time you'll never have a problem again. You'll still be shy and awkward and probably suck at flirting, but you'll have the first step of MEETING people down pat at least.

In all seriousness, you need to start off by sucking it up and accepting whatever comes your way. You just have to say "F*ck it, I want her in my life, and hang the consequences". Then you just ask her if she wants to do normal things with you. Stuff you were going to do anyway. You like her, you like having her around, just being in the same class as her made you happy. Do what you're going to do, see if she'll come with you. Just ask, see what she says. She's likely to surprise you in a good way. This shows her that you're interested, and that's exactly what you want. You want her to know that you like her, but you don't want to or need to force anything. You don't have to go on a date to a fancy restaurant because "that's what people do". Instead, pick an activity that you like, and see if she'd be interested in it. If she's not interested in doing anything with you, then leave it at that. Finding a mutual activity for the both of you is the first step toward both a friendship and a romantic relationship. The attitudes and opinions you form for each other during that "getting to know you" period is what determines which type of relationship you'll have. You can't force it there, either. You can try, but that's not recommended. This is where the whole "Be Yourself" thing comes in. If you're not a fisherman, don't try to take her fishing. Don't try to pump yourself up or anything silly like that. She either likes what she sees or she's not into you. If you don't show her the real you during this time, she can't accurately tell you whether she likes you that way or not.

QFT. OP, if you skipped this one go and read it again.

 

[Towels]

She was unique somehow, she had a special X factor that I can't quite isolate. Maybe it was pheromones. Maybe my brain just decided to fuck with me. Who knows.

Humans don't really emit pheromones, but body language can have a huge impact on you in ways you don't consciously recognize. I don't just mean a sassy shake of her hips or flirtatious hand contact; Maybe when you guys made eye contact her pupils simply widened. Some have suggested that this indicates an attraction, or could be interpreted as a perceived attraction.

No, I am not saying this is all that it could possibly be. But you are definitely on to something thinking that you're brain is fucking with you.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I never made a move due to uncertainty, and now she's gone.

First off... I don't see how you can call it futile if you never asked the person out. That isn't romance being futile - that's sitting on your butt waiting for miracles being futile.

She's gone. You shoulda made a move. Even if she rejected you, you'd at least have closure.

Some friends have succeeded. They've found 'the one'. They're happily together, two are even engaged.
And I'm really, really starting to question the payoff.
They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again.
Is that all coupled life is? Until eventually marriage and/or kids come into play? I'm really starting to believe that the compulsive chase, only the chase and not the catch, is all there really is to love.

What do you do with your single friends that's so much more exciting?

My spouse and I play video games. We play tabletop games (such as D&D). And yes, we watch TV and movies, go out to clubs and parties, and deal with mundane bullshit like jobs and money.

Sometimes we hang out with other couples. Particularly when playing games (video or tabletop) and going out to movies.

Sometimes we hang out with single friends, or combinations of singles and couples. And do pretty much the same stuff.

What's the pay-off you ask? Well, my best friend and I get to hang out together forever. Also, we fuck. That's pretty awesome.

Or maybe you could look at it as something other than a cost-benefit analysis? Like, you know, an actual human interaction? That might be a start.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Maybe I've just been duped by Hollywood.

Yup, that's what Hollywood is for. Really, it seriously messes with people's heads, lots of people are always worrying about what it's teaching society, often with good cause.

But anyway, so you fancied someone, and they weren't interested/didn't know/whatever.

Look outside...has the world ended? Is your TV trying to eat you? Has your government...oh, wait, you're Australian, skip that bit.

Being single isn't a terminal disease or anything. So your friends have GFs/BFs...that doesn't make things worse for you.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Relationships...like, say...ice cream...are not for everyone. Maybe you don't like ice cream. Maybe it's not for you. You know when you decide that? After you've tried lots and lots of ice cream. What happened here is you were too afraid to go in and order a cone, so you're convincing yourself it all would have been a dreadful waste of time, and that the people who appear to be enjoying their ice cream are clearly in the throes of some kind of delusion that your aged and experienced eyes are canny enough to see through.

 

[Chemical Alia]

I was thinking about last night's amazing episode of Homocide Hunter in the shower tthis morning when I realized that my ten-year relationship has been futile. My boyfriend can't come close to the godlike murder-solving skills of my kawaii husbando Lieutenant Kenda chan. I now have a deep chasm in my heart.

Maybe if he got his face all craggy, that might help.

 

[Spoonius]

Thanks for all the replies people, I really appreciate it.
Just a few things I want to clear up:

1. I put off talking to her because I figured I could always do so after our shared end-semester exam. She was there alright... but she left early and I missed my chance. No contact details, not even a last name. I'm furious at myself but that's not really what this thread is about.

2. I don't think what I'm doing now is better... but I always thought things would get less mundane. That consolidating on those feelings would lead to something truly special; although that seems to be how a lot of posters feel, so maybe, hopefully, I'm dead wrong.

3. I'm not afraid to ask girls out (anymore anyway, read the thread I linked in the first sentence). I just have this phobia of appearing stalkerish (which I don't have the looks to pull off). I dunno... I always feel that girls are simply humouring me; acting politely but inwardly laughing to themselves and wondering how a guy like me could possibly think I stand a chance.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I just have this phobia of appearing stalkerish

Well, that's a legitimate concern. A sizeable number of people seem to think being single is an excuse for being a creeper, but it's really, really not.

 

[Yopaz]

mhm

So let me get this straight:
You've met a girl, you got to like her, you didn't do a god damn thing to let her know that and now you're angry that the chance is gone so you go all ""it's not worth it" and you belittle other people's relationships to make yourself feel better.
How close am I?

I love the fact that he said it isn't worth the effort when he didn't put in any effort at all.

OT: I'm kinda with you when it comes to giving up, OP, but for completely different reasons. I am afraid of intimate relationships so the chance of anything happening is close to 0. I have accepted this, but you really shouldn't dismiss it just because things didn't work out for you. Especially considering you didn't really do anything.

As for confidence, try to straighten your back and keep your chin up. It radiates confidence and certainty I even feel myself growing more confident simply from raising my shoulders a tiny bit like that. Try it, seriously it takes almost nothing to accomplish.

 

[Floppertje]

Thanks for all the replies people, I really appreciate it.
Just a few things I want to clear up:

1. I put off talking to her because I figured I could always do so after our shared end-semester exam. She was there alright... but she left early and I missed my chance. No contact details, not even a last name. I'm furious at myself but that's not really what this thread is about.

You have a first name, you go to the same school, so it's possible you have some friends in common you didn't know about. facebook her! I've had a girl add me on skype based on just my first name and possibly the town I live in (it was three years ago and we met in a bar. it's a bit hazy) and we had a relationship for a few months. Totally worth the risk.
another option, if applicable, is to see if you can find her on whatever electronic school environment thing you use (my uni uses blackboard) where you can see who's in which class. Did she ever mention any clubs she's in? student associations? if all else fails, just try google with a few things she told you about. can't hurt to try.

 

[AWAR]

This says it all

 

[Bertylicious]

I dunno if I'd say romance is futile, I mean all of life is pretty much mundane stuff unless you are having daring rooftop escapes, jumping out of helicopters and having sex with a man with a scar on his face on a daily basis.

I guess whether or not romance is a good idea comes down to how much of a deadbeat you are and whether you're afraid of trapping an innocent person you supposedly care about.

You probably don't want to grow up to be a weird, gray, man living alone in a box, though, so you should probably just run at women and see what happens.

 

[Shymer]

Hi there Spoonius,

Just for context, I am 41 and have been married for 11 years with three children. I started going out with girls aged 17 - had some great relationships - some difficult ones - made plenty of mistakes.

...I experienced the single most positive gut reaction to a girl I've ever felt. She imbued that unique sense of heartache that can't be described, only understood. Disproportionate to the amount of time we spent together, utterly illogical... and completely overwhelming... she certainly left an impression. An unprecedented combination of intelligence, looks, pragmatism and introversion that for some reason I just couldn't (and can't) stop thinking about. She was unique somehow, she had a special X factor that I can't quite isolate.

That sounds wonderful, powerful and positive.

I never made a move due to uncertainty, and now she's gone... I'll never see her again.

Oh dear. If the single most positive gut-reaction - unique sense of heartache - completely overwhelming feelings were not enough to overcome your fears, then that must be troubling you greatly. Perhaps, in your own mind, the act of asking a girl out for a drink or lunch is bigger than it actually is.

I met the girl who I ended up marrying three times. The first time I let her go without asking her out. The second time I bumped into her unexpectedly we were both in relationships and I let her go. The third time we bumped into each other unexpectedly I did something about it.

I was lucky, fortunate, or perhaps a grateful recipient of divine serendipity. Regardless - the girl I thought I would marry aged 19 is not the girl I married at 30. There isn't just 'one' soul mate - and people are fantastic to get to know. Everyone has had incident and interest in their lives. Having a chance to talk to someone about their lives is a rare one and I can only recommend doing it more often one on one with all sorts of people.

Hell, she was probably only ever tolerating me anyway.

That's a bit like the fox calling "sour grapes" and doesn't become you. I can sense your self-esteem is low at the moment - sometimes your self-language can reinforce those negative beliefs and may not be helpful. Try and talk about yourself more positively.

Other people are more naturally attracted to optimistic people with self-confidence. It's not hard to get, but it does involve you identifying things you say about yourself that can drag you down, and things that you do that can drag you down.

I find watching TV lowers my self-esteem because I say to myself "Why have I just wasted an hour in front of this tripe?"

I've come to the conclusion that the hamster wheel we call love just isn't worth it. Not worth the effort, not worth the guesswork, and definitely not worth the clusterfuck of confusion and emotion that seem to be prerequisites. Ever since I was a boy it's been the same; all these overpowering feelings that lead absolutely nowhere and only serve to make me feel terrible.

Life is not a hamster wheel, but you can get into a rut sometimes. All the emotions you describe suggest you are quite young. I had similar mixed up feelings until my mid-twenties. I think that's a common experience for a lot of people. You are not alone.

Your experience is making you question the meaning of your feelings for others and your own self-worth. Those too are common questions. Not to make them small - they are immense questions which we all search for answers to, many of us for much of our lives.

Yet all my mates seem to possess some kind of instinctive cheat code. Unlike me, they can find fulfilment in the process. They're all running the race... and I'm still trying to find the goddamn starting line.

We all differ in our approaches to risk, our personalities and the things that make us individuals - our values, beliefs and the way we express them. It's natural to compare where you are to your friends. However, we are back to things you do that reduce your self-esteem - perhaps comparing yourself to your peers does that. Perhaps you need to stop.

And I'm really, really starting to question the payoff.

Here's what I believe is the "secret". Making other people happy will make you happy. Nothing else is as important, long-lasting or fulfilling.

That's it.

The pay-off of having a partner is an unprecedented opportunity to make someone else happy. It's not the only way to be happy and it does not always work out, but it can be a very successful and true journey of discovery. A risky path, one of adventure, exploration and mutual discovery. A path of making yourself totally vulnerable and open to one person, and having the responsibility of them being totally vulnerable to you in return.

They all do things together in pairs. They go out to restaurants. They go out for drinks. They go out to clubs. They get intimate. They have parties. They discuss finances. They see movies. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and fucking repeat. Just an assortment of mind-numbingly mundane activities, repeated cyclically over and over and over again. Is that all coupled life is?

Observed from the outside, a relationship may look like this. But then you don't see what goes on behind closed doors. You don't participate in the whispered conversations late at night - don't see the tears and the making up - don't hear the passion and the drive - the dreams and the ambitions. Seeing - from the outside - a trip to the cinema - does not do justice to what may be happening in the relationship.

Please don't assume that what you can see on the outside is what's important in a relationship. It really has nothing to do with it.

I have walked in the woods with my wife hundreds of times. I know she likes being outside and has her best thoughts there. She loves the wind, the leaves, the water. I know we can be happy there and we can talk and listen. We can explore the world and discover things about each other and about our relationship and where we are going with it.

From the outside, this may look like a boring old walk done over and over again. To me, however, it is something that I know will make her happy, and thus make me happy and has been different every time.

The girl I was talking about; had we partnered, would such a maddeningly mundane life be the culmination of all those overpowering otherworldly feelings, that indescribable sense of raw purpose I've felt since I was little? I don't know what I always believed would happen, but I always assumed it'd be something transcending and incredibly profound, an elusive state of being that I just hadn't achieved yet. An ultimate contentment.

The wonderful decision is yours. It's a mutual decision when you ask someone out and, actually, there's little risk in it. Take someone to lunch and really find out about them. Foster your curiosity. Really listen and try to understand. If it doesn't go further - you have had a lovely lunch with a beautiful woman. Congratulations. If it does - there are big challenges - such as keeping each other from falling into ruts of mundanity and not investing in the relationship. It takes work.

The rewards, however, are substantial and inexhaustible. However - they are common and simple. It makes you happy. It makes them happy. Feelings of happiness can transcend expectations and can be profound, but they are not the same as Hollywood or TV adverts suggest. I would divest yourself of notions of some otherworldly bliss that persists once you have found an angelic soul mate. Human happiness is much more grounded than that - and achievable by everyone.

I'm so irritated with myself right now; not only for missing an opportunity but also for my confusion and lack of intuition.

Learn from the mistakes of youth, but do not regret making them. Mistakes are precious things that you can learn from. Asking someone out is an emotional risk, but it is not hard work. Take someone out for lunch. Talk to them and listen. Have fun. Don't let fear close a door to your own potential happiness.

Best of luck.

 

[MrMixelPixel]

I've been in a couple relationships with women. We inevitably broke up because I'm confident but not good at being a boyfriend yet. Assuming that comes with practice. While I felt infatuated when we were together, I didn't feel sad when we broke up. So I can't really say I've ever experienced heartbreak. I'm not a romantic or intimate person, and relationships aren't really on my mind a lot. Despite that, I'll always be ready to go to try it out, the pay off if it works out seems totally worth it. I'd say keep at it, only a lucky few will get it right on their first few tries. I certainly didn't.

snip

This one of the greatest responses I've ever had the pleasure of reading on this forum. Keep at it man.

 

[Shocksplicer]

and finding a single woman in a sea of taken women is next to impossible.

You should really stop looking in the sea of taken women then. What are you expecting? Try the sea of single women instead - much better payoff.

Anyway, OP is clearly just young and awkward, like many people are/were. You'll eventually find your courage (even if it's in liquid form) and ask someone out on a scary "date" (dude, it's just two people hanging out and getting to know each other. Nothing to stress about). After the first time you'll never have a problem again. You'll still be shy and awkward and probably suck at flirting, but you'll have the first step of MEETING people down pat at least.

In all seriousness, you need to start off by sucking it up and accepting whatever comes your way. You just have to say "F*ck it, I want her in my life, and hang the consequences". Then you just ask her if she wants to do normal things with you. Stuff you were going to do anyway. You like her, you like having her around, just being in the same class as her made you happy. Do what you're going to do, see if she'll come with you. Just ask, see what she says. She's likely to surprise you in a good way. This shows her that you're interested, and that's exactly what you want. You want her to know that you like her, but you don't want to or need to force anything. You don't have to go on a date to a fancy restaurant because "that's what people do". Instead, pick an activity that you like, and see if she'd be interested in it. If she's not interested in doing anything with you, then leave it at that. Finding a mutual activity for the both of you is the first step toward both a friendship and a romantic relationship. The attitudes and opinions you form for each other during that "getting to know you" period is what determines which type of relationship you'll have. You can't force it there, either. You can try, but that's not recommended. This is where the whole "Be Yourself" thing comes in. If you're not a fisherman, don't try to take her fishing. Don't try to pump yourself up or anything silly like that. She either likes what she sees or she's not into you. If you don't show her the real you during this time, she can't accurately tell you whether she likes you that way or not.

QFT. OP, if you skipped this one go and read it again.

The Sea of Single Women is for shmucks. Try the Sea of Tranquility. Those Moon bitches are hot.

 

[Syzygy23]

I'm so irritated with myself right now; not only for missing an opportunity but also for my confusion and lack of intuition.

If anybody can provide insight or share any personal feelings/experiences then I'd sure be grateful...

Let me guess, you weren't very close to your parents, maybe grew up in a neighborhood with few, if any, peers? Just a guess, since I used to be in the same boat as you and careful examination of my experiences has lead me to conclude that it was nurture rather than nature that fucked my romance-sense.

If it helps, here's how I met my fiance after not managing to date a single woman until the age of 23: I saw her look at me from across the room, once, and I experienced feelings much the same as you described you felt.

So I decided that next available opportunity I would change my seat to sit next to her.
And then I started talking to her.
After 3 weeks, I asked her out, she agreed, and here we are today, happy as we'll ever be.
So happy I start to feel guilty about it sometimes, like, why should I get to be this happy and have such a wonderful woman return my feelings?

Next time you run in to that woman, or another woman you have such a strong initial reaction to, ACT. IMMEDIATELY.
Talk to her, wave to her, tell her you think she's cute, ANYTHING. It gets better once you get to know eachother, and all the fear and trepidation will go away eventually. Don't fear judgement, because ultimately whether she thinks fondly or ill of you will not matter. You either start a relationship with someone or you remain open to opportunity. Failure isn't going to cripple you, if anything it'll make you stronger since you'll learn how to deal with it.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Don't fear judgement, because ultimately whether she thinks fondly or ill of you will not matter.

Well, it probably will to her.