as a loveshy male, I sympathise with you. the very act of contact with women in general depletes my sanity bar like you wouldn't believe. because of this, I've given up on love as a concept, it's all chemical infatuation to me.
Romance is Futile
- Thread starter Spoonius
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Isn't it a bit hasty to say romance is futile when you haven't even tried it? Everybody gets cold feet once in a while man, you don't have to condemn the whole thing because of that.
I never really got this. If you like someone, surely just asking them out is the best way?
That kind of avoids the painful `What-ifs`.
But if you want to be with someone, try and date, if you don't... don't?
Am I the only one not getting this?
I find being in a relationship a lot of fun. We play games, have our own jokes, make each other nice things. If you think it's boring don't do it.
That kind of avoids the painful `What-ifs`.
But if you want to be with someone, try and date, if you don't... don't?
Am I the only one not getting this?
I find being in a relationship a lot of fun. We play games, have our own jokes, make each other nice things. If you think it's boring don't do it.
...I'm not the only one spellbound by the wisdom of Lieutenant Kenda?!??Chemical Alia said:
I've only really had one proper relationship, it lasted about 4 years. But she moved to Spain. I can't remember why now.. infact, I can't remember her face, her name, not even what she looked like, which is stupid, because for the time we were together, we were best friends, and she was the only reason I pulled myself through - and actually succeeded to a degree in - high school.
Oh, romance is beautiful. Just not for me; I'm no good at it.
Oh, romance is beautiful. Just not for me; I'm no good at it.
My friend, theres two pieces of knowledge I have to lay down for you.
First off, you gotta be willing to take risks when it comes to love. Its like multiplayer shooters, the only way to get kills is to step onto the battlefield and put yourself in harms way. You never took the risk with the girl, so you never had a chance. If you cowboyed up and just asked her out, she might have said yes. Or she may have said no. Thats the risk. However, your chances are always at their lowest if you never ask her at all.
As for life in a relationship, I have to ask, how is the mundane life lived by couples all that different then that of singles? It isn't. The only difference is that they aren't pursuing other people and they usually are with someone else when their doing their usual stuff. Couples typically have similar interests, so for example; why would me being in a relationship stop me from going hiking(one of my hobbies) if my significant other also enjoyed hiking? Nothing, we'd just go together.
You gotta look on the bright side mate.
First off, you gotta be willing to take risks when it comes to love. Its like multiplayer shooters, the only way to get kills is to step onto the battlefield and put yourself in harms way. You never took the risk with the girl, so you never had a chance. If you cowboyed up and just asked her out, she might have said yes. Or she may have said no. Thats the risk. However, your chances are always at their lowest if you never ask her at all.
As for life in a relationship, I have to ask, how is the mundane life lived by couples all that different then that of singles? It isn't. The only difference is that they aren't pursuing other people and they usually are with someone else when their doing their usual stuff. Couples typically have similar interests, so for example; why would me being in a relationship stop me from going hiking(one of my hobbies) if my significant other also enjoyed hiking? Nothing, we'd just go together.
You gotta look on the bright side mate.
1. She is still at the same university right? Surely it can't be that hard to find her again? And if you do, now you have the one of the best opening lines you could ever ask for, just tap her on the shoulder and say something like you met before and she left before you got a chance to really talk but you two seemed to hit it off and would she like to grab a bite to eat with you and just hang out. If she says no, then you can just laugh it off and say that you though asking would be a bit weird, and then part on good terms, maybe even get her name or number and try being just friends. But if she says yes, then you can get to know her and maybe ask her out if you think you really like her. More seriously, if you feel like this was a failure, just chalk it up as a learning experience and ask the next girl (and there will be a next girl I can promise you) a definitive question as to whether she wants to go out with you or not. Rejection is not a big deal in the real world and a no won't ruin your day, but not asking will eat you up inside for a while if you can't get some closure.Spoonius said:Thanks for all the replies people, I really appreciate it.
Just a few things I want to clear up:
1. I put off talking to her because I figured I could always do so after our shared end-semester exam. She was there alright... but she left early and I missed my chance. No contact details, not even a last name. I'm furious at myself but that's not really what this thread is about.
2. I don't think what I'm doing now is better... but I always thought things would get less mundane. That consolidating on those feelings would lead to something truly special; although that seems to be how a lot of posters feel, so maybe, hopefully, I'm dead wrong.
3. I'm not afraid to ask girls out (anymore anyway, read the thread I linked in the first sentence). I just have this phobia of appearing stalkerish (which I don't have the looks to pull off). I dunno... I always feel that girls are simply humouring me; acting politely but inwardly laughing to themselves and wondering how a guy like me could possibly think I stand a chance.
2. So let me get this straight, you always thought that relationships were magical and that being in one would elevate you from your mundane existence? Well you're not entirely wrong, but that kind of thinking will probably dissapoint you in the long run. Here's the thing, mundanity is only what you make of it and if you are in a good relationship you will find that specialness you're looking for in unlikely places. For example, I used to cook for myself, and now I cook every day for my wife and my daughters. When I cooked for myself, it was a mundane chore but now it's something more than that. It may be the same process, but the fact that I'm doing it for people that I love makes it special. I won't lie and say that everything you do in a relationship will be some sort of unique and beautiful moment, but it certainly won't be just some mundane rut forever.
3. I know a lot of people with that exact same fear, even I used to feel the same way, and the trick to getting around it is to put yourself in their shoes. Remember, girls are just people like you are. If you're ever talking to a girl you like (or anybody really) and you feel like you're not really wanted just think; if you were them, what would you be doing? Would you put up with some creeper because you're desperate for a cheap laugh? What possible purpose could these girls have in pretending not to hate you? Relax, their people not supervillains and there is not grand scheme to manipulate you or lie to you. If that doesn't work, just ask. It may seem weird but if you just ask if they feel like you're being weird you will probably get an honest answer. Just don't let yourself get all worked up over a problem that is likely just in your head.
Seriously, romance is not futile. As much of a cliche as it is to say, my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me (kids are a close second place) and I don't know what I would do without romance in my life. My wife is my best friend, my confidant, the mother of my children, the best sexual partner I've ever had, and one of the things that gets me through the day. It's not perfect of course, and its definitely not for everyone, but just think of what you could be missing out on if you keep letting these girls get away or you keep letting your fears stop you. So get out there and try harder dammit, and maybe you'll find someone who you can love who loves you back, and maybe you'll find that you prefer the single life, but what matters is that you try, or else you'll never know.
Well, the alternative seems to be doing all that mundane shit on your own, which sounds even shitter. I mean, it's not like I'm going to travel the world and live a wild life if I stay single is it?
I suppose some people might prefer being single, but I'm of the (rather soppy and cliched) opinion that if you find the right person, they make it worth it. Just because I had a nigh-perfect girlfriend who decided that she'd rather be the village bike doesn't mean that I'm entirely jaded because...
I suppose some people might prefer being single, but I'm of the (rather soppy and cliched) opinion that if you find the right person, they make it worth it. Just because I had a nigh-perfect girlfriend who decided that she'd rather be the village bike doesn't mean that I'm entirely jaded because...
Colour Scientist said:
The pain of breaking up with someone is huge, a lot of people let this pain go and move on which is the healthy thing to do but i've never been able to do that, i'm not kidding when i say i still feel sorrow for a break up i had 9 years ago.
I don't think a normal person does that so i decided at some point to be alone for the forseeable future, i don't want someone to stand by me if my mind can't let go of another, i'd like to think i'm doing it so that others can be happier with someone other than me, yeah, i'm such a nice person...
I do notice potential sparks i could pursue but i let them go, it's easier for me to forget if it never happens.
I've trained myself to be alone now, i doubt i could undo that.
I use my parents and other couples i see on a daily basis to conclude marriage is a terrible idea.
I don't think a normal person does that so i decided at some point to be alone for the forseeable future, i don't want someone to stand by me if my mind can't let go of another, i'd like to think i'm doing it so that others can be happier with someone other than me, yeah, i'm such a nice person...
I do notice potential sparks i could pursue but i let them go, it's easier for me to forget if it never happens.
I've trained myself to be alone now, i doubt i could undo that.
I use my parents and other couples i see on a daily basis to conclude marriage is a terrible idea.
I can't say I can't empathize, literally every single person I'm interested in is unavailable for various reasons, the one relationship I HAVE had was cut amazingly short due to her family moving almost immediately after I asked her out, and all my friends are in that absolutely disgustingly cute starting point of their relationships (I swear I'm gonna damn cavity from these people). My life definitely sucks lovin' wise, but please, PLEASE don't let this handful of experience spoil the idea of romance for you.
Sometimes love works, sometimes it doesn't, it epically sucks when it doesn't and there's a kabillion little puzzles involved in it, most of which you have to figure out all on your damn own (Like the rate and manner with which you can ask people if their available without sounding creepy/desperate/ETC). But don't give up, maybe take a break for a while, I've accepted that I'm just not meant to have a significant other right now, maybe just put that part of your brain into neutral for the foreseeable future, for some people it's just best not to actively think on it. But don't 100% give up.
I can't really give 'insight' my one relationship lasted all of 2 weeks, all I can really say is, maybe don't actively look for love, be happy with what friends you have, and if you really seem compatible with someone, don't hesitate like you did here. Have restraint, I mean, first find out if you like them at all, but if you have this sort of gut reaction again, don't wait so long, at least ask her out. Your body usually has this sort of reaction for a reason, and if you leave it too long you're just gonna be right back here again and I'd really rather not see that.
Sometimes love works, sometimes it doesn't, it epically sucks when it doesn't and there's a kabillion little puzzles involved in it, most of which you have to figure out all on your damn own (Like the rate and manner with which you can ask people if their available without sounding creepy/desperate/ETC). But don't give up, maybe take a break for a while, I've accepted that I'm just not meant to have a significant other right now, maybe just put that part of your brain into neutral for the foreseeable future, for some people it's just best not to actively think on it. But don't 100% give up.
I can't really give 'insight' my one relationship lasted all of 2 weeks, all I can really say is, maybe don't actively look for love, be happy with what friends you have, and if you really seem compatible with someone, don't hesitate like you did here. Have restraint, I mean, first find out if you like them at all, but if you have this sort of gut reaction again, don't wait so long, at least ask her out. Your body usually has this sort of reaction for a reason, and if you leave it too long you're just gonna be right back here again and I'd really rather not see that.
Everything is futile because we all die in the end. But that's the wrong way of looking at things. Some things just feel good and since you're alive you may as well pursuit things that make you feel good. Love is the best one of those things. It feels amazing. Two people deriving happiness from providing the other one with happiness. That's pretty much all there is to it. There are practical uses for a relationship as well. It's nice to have someone to take care of you when you need it. And it's nice to take care of someone.
OP I can see where you are coming from and despite some of the heat your getting it is all opinion at the end of the day.
You don't have to pursue romance, love or any of that stuff. Yes you will get harped as skipping out on the "best part of the human experience" but remember this is your life. If you feel its futile that is fine, if you feel different you are allowed to change your mind just don't it to appease anyone but yourself and not worry about filling in some criteria others put on you on how to live your life.
You don't have to pursue romance, love or any of that stuff. Yes you will get harped as skipping out on the "best part of the human experience" but remember this is your life. If you feel its futile that is fine, if you feel different you are allowed to change your mind just don't it to appease anyone but yourself and not worry about filling in some criteria others put on you on how to live your life.
Been there, done that. Had a very attractive woman start talking to me in an elevator once when I was on a lunch break, but my mind was elsewhere & I didn't even realize that I'd missed a very good chance until I was headed back to work. Damn I'm an idiot sometimes...
Anyway every "relationship" I've ever been in has been bittersweet to say the least. Always had to end them because of outside circumstances. Just my luck, but I've never givin up, I'm looking for someone new right now. It always sucks when things don't work out, but the prize is worth the hunt.
Anyway every "relationship" I've ever been in has been bittersweet to say the least. Always had to end them because of outside circumstances. Just my luck, but I've never givin up, I'm looking for someone new right now. It always sucks when things don't work out, but the prize is worth the hunt.