Self Harm and You

[II2]

Male, 31, straight

Curiosity? Dubious art? Sexual gratification? Body mod?

I ask, but in truth I don't bother trying to to deconstruct the reasoning behind why I do or will do weird things, much, anymore. I want to be specific in my use of language, because while I've burned, inked, pierced, bruised or cut into my own flesh at different times for all of the above rationalization, it has always been a deliberated action, rather than an act of impulse - even when the compulsion comes from bizarre, ritualistic places... Basically, I've never hurt myself for any reasons that could be called 'suicidal', 'compulsive' or the often cited 'cry for help.

The discussion gets more convoluted if you consider recreational drug use or deliberate substance abuse to be a form of 'self harm' or 'self medication', since I've been rotating through the morphing availability of psychotropic compounds humans synthesize or cultivate for the better part of two decades pretty consistently. Stranger still are the direct intersections of deliberately hurting yourself under the influence of mind altering chemicals.

When speaking about this stuff, people will assume you're sick, immoral, irresponsible, unstable or a danger to yourself and others. That's not inherently true at all. I'm a high functioning person who's quite happy in day to day life. I'm also experienced enough not to look to outside opinions for the validity of who I am. Not everyone can get off being normal, and, frankly, most people's behavior starts to look 'insane' the closer magnify your observation on it.

In the end, I'd be a hypocrite to decry it, but acting in ignorance of individuals' unique circumstances to endorse it.

 

[Fiz_The_Toaster]

Nope, can't say I have.

Music is my outlet, so that was my go-to thing when life got shitty. I wince when I even think about a sharp object doing into me, so inflicting that upon myself was just not gonna happen. I kinda understand where people are coming from what they say they self-harm since it's just some sort of release for them, but I would never do it.

To be fair, I've only thought about suicide once, and I was 13 when that happened. Existential crisis and all that "fun" stuff, and that was a fairly long and dark time for me. And since we're sharing.

27, female, straight.

 

[JagermanXcell]

Nope, when I'm going through rough times or back when I had some hardcore depression in my Jr high school years, I either played video games or punched inanimate objects. I've heard of people that have committed to self harm before and one of my best friends recently told me how she was once very close to suicide (her life was saved by the movie Tangled believe it or not). The thought of pain and even death just didn't sit well with me. Venting anger through games and objects I got some pretty positive kicks out of though, all those kicks turned into the enjoyment for life I have now.
That and I had family to provide the emotional support obviously, but what really kept me from feeling down were my friends and their outlook on happiness that I strive to have in my life.

Male, 18 1/2, straight.

Listen SkarCrow, if there's anyone you need to talk to go ahead and open up to me, the fellow Escapists above who are also willing to listen, ANYBODY! We may not be experts on the subject but we definitely can be pros at being pals, hearing people out when they're down.

 

[ATRAYA]

20/male/asexual.

I went through severe depression at one point that almost ended in suicide (though I was stopped and incarcerated just in the nick of time by nothing short of a miracle). I got better over the course of about a year, and the next year I cut my forearms just for the pain, leaving scars. I don't think the events were related, as I was actually fairly happy at the time of the cutting, but I just figured I'd mention it. For science!

I think it's different for me though. I'm not "emo" or anything, and most people consider me a pretty happy guy, I just liked the pain. I also go to the gym and love the pain of lactic acid in my muscles (which means no static stretching for me, just straight to the weights!). People stepping on my toes, or punching rocks with my fists also feels REALLY good, and I can't really explain why. Well, unless "masochism" is its own explanation. :/

The only reason I stopped cutting was because the knife I was using was a souvenir from a foreign country and I was afraid of catching something I might've needed a shot for. Then I realized that even the other knives in my home could give me an infection at any time, so I resisted. I still get the call of the knife though... Sometimes I think about soaking a blade in alcohol and just having at 'er. But it's not out of depression, anxiety, frustration, or anything, I just like the searing pain.

The more I type this, the more crazy it sounds... Maybe I should stop.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

Only self harm I participate in is various forms of substance use. Never hurt myself with anything other than that.

 

[Strazdas]

The answer is probably no. I have not cut myself or did any lasting harm, however i have "punched the wall" (sometimes literary) to bring in the pain that overwhelms emotions. Nothing that ended up in a long term damage though. I have thought about it several times, mainly during the period where i thought about suicide (lets just say highschool wasnt the best period for me), but i have never acted upon it, for i am a coward and it takes courage to hurt yourself.

Statistics: 24, male, straight.

Also for some reason i didnt expect you to be bi, shows how little i know of people.

I dragged your avatar and got the cause of death "overwhelming sense of loneliness. So fitting for this thread. Sigh.

 

[not_you]

Have I?
Yes... I always wore long sleeves, so usually cut on my arms... punched bricks... basically anything...

Why?
Severe depressive with anxiety problems... You do the math

To what ends?
uhhh, I never understood that phrase...

Do you currently?
Well, no... Mainly because I had to move back in with my parents and they'd probably notice... they're psychic like that...
Of course, I don't think they know I'm on meds, so, I suppose it's not all that bad....?

How old am I?
21yo Male

Orientation:
Straight

 

[Yuno Gasai]

I used to cut quite obsessively. It started with my wrists but then migrated to areas which were actually hidden on a day-to-day basis, like my thighs. I haven't cut in about five or six years now.

What actually got me into cutting was frustration. I had a pretty shitty childhood and a shortage of friends to help me deal with my problems (something which wasn't helped by my unwillingness to talk about things that happened to me). I preferred to bottle it up and try and deal with it all myself. That eventually culminated in me hurting myself with sharp objects.

Any time I felt so upset or enraged I couldn't do anything, I'd cut until I felt better. Then I'd soothe myself by watching the cuts heal (and adding tea tree oil to clean the wound and/or hurt myself as required).

I also used to do it for the pain (both during and after), and because I would obsess over healing the wounds. I like watching (and helping) wounds heal, which is incredibly odd, but probably part of why I like tattoos and piercings so much.

Ensuring everything was clean and not infected unfortunately didn't guard against how easily I scar.

23, female, straight.

 

[ClockworkUniverse]

21, male, straight.

Not really, unless you count making bad life choices in the full knowledge of the negative consequences. Though I guess that's "an act that harms the self" without being what this thread is about.

I'm partly in this thread because the title brought to mind the notion of a very, very bad how-to book that I hope has never been published.

 

[default]

20, male, straight.

Sure, lots of times. Got scars everywhere from cutting, burning, stabbing, punching, scratching and tearing myself, usually on the forearms or, if I really need to hide it, shoulders and top of my arms. Been doing it since I was 15, for a variety of reasons. Pain just seems to be an effective release for me, but smoking since I turned 18 has reduced the amount of self harm a lot.


Attempted suicide a few times and recovered on my own in secret, but once I went to step off the top of a multistory carpark and was talked down from the barrier by a passing woman (only because I wouldn't jump in front of her, I'm like that) who walked me to the hospital and consequently some of the worst hours of my life as I curled up in anguish alone in a corner of the emergency ward for about 9 hours, unable to leave or do anything to make myself feel better. Needless to say I fucking hate the hospital now.

 

[Drummodino]

Whenever I encounter someone who feels suicidal I always say this; suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will get better. Plus think about all the people who you would hurt by leaving them, it just doesn't seem fair to me.

Be careful about saying that part. It makes suicide a more attractive. Hell, if it weren't for my sister who I absolutely love, it'd certainly make suicide much more attractive to me. My mother is responsible for the only suicidal feelings I've ever had in my entire life - being beaten and tortured and raped couldn't break me, but she could. You could probably see why I would want to hurt her. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person like that, and while I never endorse suicide in anybody who isn't terminally ill, and try to do what you do, saying that can only make things worse.

I... I don't know how to respond to that. My intention in saying that is certainly not to make suicide more attractive. I guess I can't really imagine it considering I was lucky enough to have a wonderful family... There is no I one in my life I would aim to hurt like that.

I guess I'll refrain from using that argument in the future. Thank you for opening my eyes.

 

[Drummodino]

Whenever I encounter someone who feels suicidal I always say this; suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things will get better. Plus think about all the people who you would hurt by leaving them, it just doesn't seem fair to me.

Be careful about saying that part. It makes suicide a more attractive. Hell, if it weren't for my sister who I absolutely love, it'd certainly make suicide much more attractive to me. My mother is responsible for the only suicidal feelings I've ever had in my entire life - being beaten and tortured and raped couldn't break me, but she could. You could probably see why I would want to hurt her. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person like that, and while I never endorse suicide in anybody who isn't terminally ill, and try to do what you do, saying that can only make things worse.

I... I don't know how to respond to that. My intention in saying that is certainly not to make suicide more attractive. I guess I can't really imagine it considering I was lucky enough to have a wonderful family... There is no I one in my life I would aim to hurt like that.

I guess I'll refrain from using that argument in the future. Thank you for opening my eyes.

You're heart is in the right place, and I certainly can't fault that, or blame you for not understanding that viewpoint. I probably wouldn't see it that way myself if it weren't for me knowing somebody who tried to kill himself to spite somebody. You also shouldn't say anything like "It can't get any worse" or "you probably have it better than you think" or anything to that extent, because sometimes, thats just not true.

In my experience, the best thing to do it just talk to them and just keep listening to them, keep the conversation going as long as possible, and don't bring up why they shouldn't kill themselves every five seconds (or probably at all). Then again, I'm not an expert or a psychologist, I'm just speaking from experience.

I'll keep that in mind. Although I'd never say something like "you have it better than you think" - I hated it when people said that to me whenever I was getting bullied or depressed etc.

This really is a foreign concept to me though, its hard to know what the right thing to say is.

 

[Spider RedNight]

Though I hit that regular "rough patch" of having "the worst childhood and school life ever" phase, I never once cut myself (especially on my forearms) because I'm VERY narcissistic of my arms - I think they're my most attractive feature and I couldn't stand the thought of them being covered in nasty, attention-seeking "but I'm not asking for attention don't you dare ask - okay ask me" scars. As for upper arms and thighs and the like, well... I'm just too lazy to keep track of where that blood goes... if I cut, it was "to be artistic", similar in the sense that people get tattoos because it's artsy. I don't really anymore because people kept asking and I'm once again too lazy to explain that it's not what it looks like. The thing with me was that when I was emotionally drained or at an unstable point of my feelings, I had enough on my plate that I just didn't want to bother with cutting and going down that road; I would just hole up in my room and paint pictures instead before destroying them.

As for suicide, I only tried once and it was when I enlisted in the Air Force. It was such an experience and I was SO out of place that I wasn't even paying attention and I found myself about to fly from the third story window of the building we were in - they strapped me down to a gurney and took away my shoelaces and lanyard and I rode in an ambulance for the first time in my life! It was exciting but at the time I just wanted to go home. After spending the evening in the psych ward where everyone just... bled out their deepest secrets and swapped "what I did was better than what you did" stories, I learned that developing a mantra REALLY helped me get through those last few days in the rehab barracks - instead of turning to violence or further suicide, I just chant under my breath and write it down; writing really helps.

Ever since then though, there's only been one instance where I felt that everything was UTTERLY hopeless, my psychiatrist says that "I'm the model image of a modern nihilist" and I didn't even know "double depression" existed until he told me that I had it. It's usually not so bad but DAMN, I hate my job and THAT stress leads to AT HOME stress and it just spirals and I mantra all over again.

20 / Female / Asexual

 

[Trueflame]

22, male, straight. I've cut myself before, on the shoulder and the forearm (not the wrist, the other side of it). I did it because I was angry and depressed. I think more angry than depressed, and I felt like trying it out. It didn't really do anything for me, and my self-preservation instincts are far too strong for me to actually do anything that would cause lasting damage either. I basically just tried it because it seemed like the popular thing to do.

Also, since I guess this is important, I believe I have depression to some extent. I've never had any counseling or therapy, or even mentioned it more than very vaguely and in passing to a few people I know irl. I'm kind of in the middle of a depressed patch right now, though I'm better today than I was yesterday. The thing is, I don't really have any good reason for my depression. All the problems that I do have in my life are self-inflicted and well within my power to correct. But I guess if it obeyed logical rules it wouldn't really be depression.

As for suicide, I have considered it, in a very vague way. No actual planning or attempting, or even seriously imagining it, but just sort of thinking, "Maybe that would be nice..." Overall though, I don't think I'm suicidal or even that I want to die. I do kind of wish that I had never lived though.

 

[Wildflowers]

30/trans*female/asexual

Weird that I would see this thread on tonight of all nights. I'm trying my absolute hardest to not cut right now, because I have absolutely no reason to want to or need to. I didn't cut until I was 25, several years after transition from male to female. I did it (and usually do it) because I spent so much of my life shoving down feelings and emotions, that on the rare occasion when they do manage to crop up, I have no way of dealing with them aside from converting emotional pain into physical pain. Because physical pain makes sense, you can handle it, you can deal with it, and then it goes away. Such is the hurt that a person can heap on themselves by hating themselves. Yes, I started cutting so I could learn how best to kill myself.

Now my life is fantastic, I have everything I want. And yet sometimes, on nights like tonight, when there is nothing at all wrong, I just feel such a deep need to cut. I look to my girlfriend, sleeping soundly, and I find enough strength to put off for one more night.

I strongly urge anyone who has even thought about it to never go down that path. The scars it leaves on your spirit are much worse than the marks it leaves on your body. I know thing may be too late for me to ever truly control myself again, but if anyone messages me I will do my damndest to help them instead.

Don't hate yourself. You might not feel it now, you might not know it, but you truly are loved. Stay strong. You are worth life.

 

[Draken Steel]

23 (20-21ish at time) strait male

No cutting, I burned instead. Was bad depressed, playing with a lighter, somehow got a solid burn off it, then started doing it intentionally. Unfortunately, the spot I use is on my left forearm, very obvious, which is about the only reason I avoided it at all. For me I think a lot of it is just the control it gives, felt very reliving. Very glad I tried it, as it was I was sleeping as much as possible to simply pass time, and was very close to suicide (put a gun to my head).

Surprised so many people look so negatively on it having experienced it. The depression is awful but...idk, the harm helped a lot, so not sure why so many people regret it, unless they have bad scarring. Hell, I would still do it now if not for the fact its so obvious when I do.

This year found out my 15 year old sister (lives with my mom) was cutting, and attempted suicide twice (pills). Still not sure what to do there....She got some meds and spent time at a facility but idk how much they helped. Talking to her is hard, with my crippling social phobia.