Free Thinker said:
What do I need to know and how would I go about making my character? I am not completely new to RPGs, but I'm new to the whole table-top RPG.
Congratulations, my young padawan. You're taking your first steps into a larger world. Here's what you need to know:
1. The only character class worth a damn is fighters, because you're going to be as violent as you can possibly be in any situation your party comes across.
2. Your alignment will be "Chaotic Neutral." This way, you can justify almost any behavior at all by reference to either anarchism or indifference. (It's no accident that Anonymous describe themselves as "Chaotic Neutral.")
3. When rolling your stats, do your level best to cheat in any way you can ("Whoa! That one grazed the edge of your coffee cup! Re-roll!") in order to maximize your numbers. Remember, it's the numbers that matter.
4. Now it's time to give your character a setting-appropriate name. Fortunately, names like "James Bond" or "The Executioner" or "Max Power" are appropriate to any setting, because they are awesome.
5. If the DM is a dweeb or something, he'll ask you to supply your character with a backstory or some shit like that. Just use this: "[Max Power] is a mysterious man of mystery whose credo is 'Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, hear the lamentations of their women.' "
6. Only worry about weapons and armor when buying equipment. You'll use these to take the rest of the equipment you'll be needing from other people.
7. Now it's time to play! If you're outside a dungeon, remember there are only two kinds of event that really matter in this game: fights and anything that involves whores. For the rest, you can safely tune out the DM and twiddle around with something unrelated. In ancient times this meant chewing really loudly on a snack item while staring into space, or inappropriately flicking on the TV. In the age of the iPhone, being distracted is even easier. Text your girlfriend, even if you don't have one; play Infinity Blade or Angry Birds; screw arond with GoogleMaps or look up some porn on the Internet. The sky's the limit.
8. Keep an ear open, however, for the words "monster" or "stranger" or "dark shape" (to which you will immediately respond "I attack it!"), "woman" or "girl" (tradition demands you immediately ask about her bust size), or "prostitute" (in which case you will immediately turn to the nearest player and demand they loan you some money).
9. Dungeons will require more attention, as they are trap-filled environments full of constant danger. Remember to look out for yourself and get the most powerful magic sword and armor you can find, so you can pry other useful items out of others with minimum effort; your fellow players are probably disposable, so if you need to betray them, do it. This is just "chaotic" behavior, remember, not evil behavior; hell, you're neutral, you're not sure you even believe in such a thing as evil.
10. If you see signs of a larger plot emerging, walk immediately off in the other direction. If the DM tries to refuse, declare that this campaign is lame and get up to leave. If he plays along with you, he'll probably have to improvise a few fight scenes while trying to maneuver you back to the plot.
11. If the DM shows signs of trying to kill your character, start to act slightly unbalanced in real life. Get a twitchy look on your face. Stare really intently while saying things like "Are you sure you said twenty points of damage? You may want look at those dice again, just saying." That sort of thing.
That ought to do it. Happy gaming!