So, I'm trying to write a book... UPDATED

[Chiefmon]

Added a link to the first two chapters.

Haven't read them (will do), but just one question: have you written the entire book yet?

Because if you haven't, there's little point in editing just what you've done now. It's better if you've got the entire story plus details, plus action etc. down in writing so you can determine just what needs editing and how.

I'm only ~10% done, 10,000 words in.

 

[SckizoBoy]

I'm only ~10% done, 10,000 words in.

That's a start, but I will advise that you just press on and finish the whole novel. You will undoubtedly find that if you do edit these opening chapters to perfection, they won't meld well with the rest of story and will require further editing. Trust me, I've been there etc.

So, do you plan on writing the whole novel from beginning to end, or are you writing how I do (loads of sketches and ideas for mid-story events and then tying it together with connecting passages)?

If the former, give a link to the summary (novel's equivalent to a storyboard), and if the latter, post a few sketches so we can compare and contrast writing styles so when it does come to putting it all together, it reads smoothly.

(Apologies if I'm sounding a bit blunt, not in the best of states today...)

 

[Tratchet]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

 

[Lilani]

-snip-

I'm sorry, but I think you should do something about Syr's name. When I first read it, I read it as "Sir," and even after you listed how to properly pronounce it I found it very distracting. It is very frustrating to me as a reader when I see some weirdly-spelled name and I can't figure out how to pronounce it. And I highly recommend against shoehorning in some contrived situation where you force someone to phonetically pronounce his name for the reader.

Just think about it for a minute. Is there any significant reason for spelling it with a Y? Is it a typical spelling pattern for him or his culture? If not, then you should do yourself and your readers a favor and just change it to something they don't have to fight with the entire way through the book.

It's alright, but a couple of my pet peeves with writing are mixed in there. You seem to tell a lot more than show, not giving the reader much room to use their imagination. For example, is saying "screamed with enthusiasm" or "coldly declared" really necessary? Taking into account what the character is saying and the context they are in, I think the reader can pretty well divine how the character is saying the words. By the time they've read your extra little adjectives after the dialog, they've already read it and decided how it sounds to them. It will do just fine to said "said," or if it's a very special occasion maybe something like "screamed" or "begged" or "pleaded." Any extra adjectives just make it feel sticky and over-described. Only add words like that if you are certain it reads better or it will help the reader further understand what is going on.

Also, you need to vary your sentence length more, specifically throwing more shorter ones in there. Having a healthy mix of short and long sentences allows a rhythm to develop, making the whole thing easier to read. The reader gets exhausted reading the same lengths of sentences again and again. There are plenty of sentences in there that can be significantly shortened, if not cut at all. For example, this:

"Syr decided that it was more important to keep Aleana safe rather than comfortable."

Could work just as well as this:

"Aleana's safety was more important than her comfort."

Don't be afraid to be direct with your language like that. The reader is already aware they are focused on Syr's perspective at the moment, so bring them directly into the context of his mind. Don't directly quote what he is saying in his mind, but make it as close as you can. You're already looking into his head, so adjust descriptions like this to match the context of the thoughts. Their situation is very unstable and urgent, so he would hardly be making "decisions" at all. He's got his goal. Protect Aleana. So use how you describe his actions to illustrate that. By saying it so directly, the reader gets a glimpse at Syr's values. Putting all those other words in there just takes away from all that. Remember: a crazy and powerful creature is holding the entire restaurant hostage. If you don't instill your language and descriptions with that same sense of urgency, they may as well be picking flowers in a peaceful meadow.

I highly recommend reading the book called On Writing by Stephen King. Regardless of what you think of his writing style, he gives many in-depth pointers like this and more. He explores pretty much all of your problems here in great detail. I'm thinking of writing something myself, and after reading his book, those sorts of things just make so much sense. It makes me wonder how I ever could have thought otherwise.

 

[Chiefmon]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

 

[Tratchet]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

Well I'm sorry for mistaking your intent then. I wasn't trying to be condescending or superior, just encouraging.

 

[Chiefmon]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

Well I'm sorry for mistaking your intent then. I wasn't trying to be condescending or superior, just encouraging.

Sorry, you just sounded so emotional. I could almost envision tears rolling down your face as you wrote it. I couldn't help but try to pull you down.

 

[Tratchet]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

Well I'm sorry for mistaking your intent then. I wasn't trying to be condescending or superior, just encouraging.

Sorry, you just sounded so emotional. I could almost envision tears rolling down your face as you wrote it. I couldn't help but try to pull you down.

I just figured because most of the posts were so negative you might want a little encouragement. I guess I was mistaken. One last thing, it's more or less optional, but I'd suggest you use italics instead of quotation marks with dialogue in someone's head. When the voice and Syr are talking to each other would be an example of this (although you might have done that with Syr and the Escapist's post system messed it up, I can't tell). This isn't a rule by any means, but I personally think it's better.

 

[Chiefmon]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

Well I'm sorry for mistaking your intent then. I wasn't trying to be condescending or superior, just encouraging.

Sorry, you just sounded so emotional. I could almost envision tears rolling down your face as you wrote it. I couldn't help but try to pull you down.

I just figured because most of the posts were so negative you might want a little encouragement. I guess I was mistaken. One last thing, it's more or less optional, but I'd suggest you use italics instead of quotation marks with dialogue in someone's head. When the voice and Syr are talking to each other would be an example of this (although you might have done that with Syr and the Escapist's post system messed it up, I can't tell). This isn't a rule by any means, but I personally think it's better.

I appreciate the positive comments, I really do. As far as the italics go, yeah it's because of the formatting. It is in italics in the book. Good advice though.

 

[Tratchet]

-snip-

Just a personal pet peeve, I'd suggest not replacing the word 'said' except with very basic descriptors. Things like, shouted, yelled, whispered, and screamed. The reason why is that the dialogue should communicate the intent of the speaker, not the verb that follows. When people read the word 'said' they tend to gloss over it, replacing it with a different word distracts from the dialogue, and therefore from the book itself. The same thing goes for adverbs that modify the word said (he said consolingly, he said dangerously, etc.), although that isn't quite as bad. Generally the only instance in which you should replace 'said' is when the person's dialogue goes directly against how they're actually speaking.

Also, its important that you keep writing. There are a number of projects that I've started only to get about fifty to a hundred pages through and stop. I personally don't think you should let others read it until you've completed a larger chunk of it, and especially not on such a public forum where people will be merciless. Let a close friend or family member read it first. This is because hearing criticism, even constructive criticism, can be disheartening. If you haven't invested enough of an emotional chunk in your writing you might not be able to continue. This is why its important to constantly keep in mind that nobody, not even highly paid published writers, gets it write in the first draft, and you must believe that what your writing is worth it, and that it will improve.

Hope that helps some.

I would like to start with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get disheartened by the internet? I chose the internet BECAUSE it's merciless. Trial by fire ya'know? I've only been writing for like 21 days now. Writing is easy, if I suck, it's because I suck. I could have completed the book by now if I wasn't so addicted to TF2. I don't write to get it published. I just write because action scenes are much more intricate on paper than in my head.

Well I'm sorry for mistaking your intent then. I wasn't trying to be condescending or superior, just encouraging.

Sorry, you just sounded so emotional. I could almost envision tears rolling down your face as you wrote it. I couldn't help but try to pull you down.

I just figured because most of the posts were so negative you might want a little encouragement. I guess I was mistaken. One last thing, it's more or less optional, but I'd suggest you use italics instead of quotation marks with dialogue in someone's head. When the voice and Syr are talking to each other would be an example of this (although you might have done that with Syr and the Escapist's post system messed it up, I can't tell). This isn't a rule by any means, but I personally think it's better.

I appreciate the positive comments, I really do. As far as the italics go, yeah it's because of the formatting. It is in italics in the book. Good advice though.

Glad to be of help, and I hope you finish your book. It sounds promising.

 

[Greatjusticeman]

It's okay.

Avoid verbs after dialogue like "barked" and "shouted". They can ruin your flow and your dialogue should be strong enough for the reader to able to sense how they are saying it. Just use 'said'. Most readers will glance past it either way.

From my very quick scan I didn't see any adverbs, which is good. Avoid those like the plague. Never use them.

I know you are aiming for a fantasy novel but please think about the names for. There is a difference between being different and unique and something that sounds awkward and as though you threw the words together. 'Syr' sounds to much like sir. It will irritate the reader.

Really, really, really work on your dialogue. Do you want your villain to sound cheesy or like an actual villain? Reading him I didn't feel scared, more so annoyed. And Syr sounds like a dick.

My critique may of had been harsh, sorry. But that doesn't mean you should stop writing at all if you truly have a passion for it. Work at it everyday, try for 5,000 words. Soon you will discover your style, your flow, and your prose. When I began writing about a year and a half ago - like really taking it serious - this looked like Shakespeare compared to my writing.

Oh, and one last thing. If you do have intentions of publishing a novel I'd advise against posting excerpts on the internet for people to read and review. Publishers are really icky about that and won't publish it.

Best of luck.







Just keep working at it and you will find your flow and prose.

 

[WonderWillard]

Well, I enjoyed reading this excerpt more than I enjoyed reading the first two Eragon books. So yeah... But that's not really saying a whole lot.

 

[Chiefmon]

Well, I enjoyed reading this excerpt more than I enjoyed reading the first two Eragon books. So yeah... But that's not really saying a whole lot.

Is... is that a compliment? I don't know.