So my roommate changed rooms because I'm bisexual.

[Odd Owl]

I have never understood this. Homophobia is the irrational fear and/or hatred of homosexuals. Nothing in the guy's email suggested that he was a homophobe. In fact, he was very polite about it. At most, the email indicates that he was uncomfortable with the situation. But there are any number of reasons that would account for his discomfort, none of which involve a fear or hatred of homosexuals.

What about his response makes him a homophobe?

Well, he did say "I have never been confronted with a situation like this before" leading us to believe that he's trying to avoid confrontation with homosexuals.

You don't have to "hate" the gay community in order to be a homophobe. It's the same concept with racism. You don't have to hate black people in order to be called a racist.

It's a small discomfort around something you're unfamiliar with, so it's technically a phobia of something he doesn't understand. It's not exactly appropriate behavior, but the person in question handled it very rationally, so I don't think it's right to berate him for that.

Or at least that's how I understand it. I do understand my definition applies to a lot more people than your's does though.

So, by the same logic, if a black guy who was put in a suite with three white guys wanted to move to a suite with more black guys, just because he would be more comfortable living in a suite with more black guys, he'd be racist? Or, if a guy was put in a suite with three girls and wanted to move to a suite with more guys, he'd be sexist?

 

[JoesshittyOs]

So, by the same logic, if a black guy who was put in a suite with three white guys wanted to move to a suite with more black guys, just because he would be more comfortable living in a suite with more black guys, he'd be racist?

In all technicalities, yes, that would be considered racist. He's avoiding a situation based on race.

Or, if a guy was put in a suite with three girls and wanted to move to a suite with more guys, he'd be sexist?

I don't think that this really applies in the same way as a gay roommate, and there's not really enough info onto why he's moving. So these two situations don't really apply to each other.

 

[Substitute Troll]

If I was that guy, I wouldn't have switched. But I don't blame him for doing it, I understand why he did it and he seemed honest about it. It propably spared both him and you awkward moments.

 

[Odd Owl]

So, by the same logic, if a black guy who was put in a suite with three white guys wanted to move to a suite with more black guys, just because he would be more comfortable living in a suite with more black guys, he'd be racist?

In all technicalities, yes, that would be considered racist. He's avoiding a situation based on race.

Or, if a guy was put in a suite with three girls and wanted to move to a suite with more guys, he'd be sexist?

I don't think that this really applies in the same way as a gay roommate, and there's not really enough info onto why he's moving. So these two situations don't really apply to each other.

The guy would be moving from the apartment with the girls because he would feel uncomfortable living with three girls. The point being that if the bar for homophobia, racism, and possibly sexism is set this low, then these labels no longer mean anything particularly negative. Setting the bar this low therefore robs the terms of their meaning and can only help legitimize those who are actually racist, sexist, or homophobic in a meaningful (non-technical) way.

 

[Dystopia]

-snip-

-snip-

I'm bisexual myself, so here's what I would do: I wouldn't mention it to the girl I was sharing with. If I don't fancy her, no problem, she never needs to know. If I do, I deal with it, find someone else and move on.

But it was relevant, he spoke of his girlfriend and I spoke of my current boyfriend....

I do see where you are coming from though.

That's totally fair enough then. It's just an awkward situation for both parties really!

 

[PessimistOwl]

Well, while I think we could agree that everyone should respect the existence of gay and bisexual people, you can't honestly blame him for being uncomfortable around you. I mean, you've probably had many people in your life that you're honestly uncomfortable around yourself, but you probably don't see that as a maneagable thing to overcome do you? It's the same with this guy/girl. It's just the way people are.

 

[Sperate]

Haven't read every post, so sorry if this has been brought up... But, what else did you talk about before the whole long period of silence? I am not saying there wasn't the definite awkward moment but this person could be fairly chill with GLBT and it could have been largely a choice based on other issues. Did you get into politics or religion? Do you have vastly different majors, schedule's, cleanliness, or my personal favorite jock vs gamer?

Why not just send him an email saying you understand his choice and there are no hard feelings, but you were wondering if he could explain his choice because you feel you left the wrong impression... Worse case senerio, he is creeped out by you and you never see each other again.

 

[karkar]

I suppose the civility they showed is a step in the right direction at least. That kind of reaction is undoubtedly better than straight-up hostility. Still though, he/she is kidding themselves if they really think they don't have a problem with gay/bi people. Polite bigotry is still bigotry.

 

[Simmo8591]

Sad as it is that some people have preconceptions often based on sexuality and race, It is something that in a large amount of cases they have little control over. Due to upbringing or experience many people do not feel comfortable around others who have different views and that's sad but in the context of the situation I feel your (ex)roommate acted in the best interest.
If he had a problem with sharing a room with you then wouldn't maturely organizing a switch and moving dorms be preferable to a very awkward year of stunted conversation and uncomfortable situations.
He probably cant change his view of your sexuality and so his solution seems to be in everyone's best interest.

 

[Jedoro]

Maybe being around someone of a different sexual orientation is completely new to him. If so, new situations are things you slowly get used to, instead of jumping in feet-first.

 

[bauke67]

So? If that's what he wants that's his choice, and he's free to do so. No big deal here.

 

[The .50 Caliber Cow]

Better to have him leave this way then creating awkward moments throughout the school year. If he can't handle it, fuck him. You're not wrong in anyway and hopefully your next roommate won't care as much about your sexuality.

[sub][sub]Moo! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9iIgQN5uZE&feature=related][/sub][/sub]

 

[Hitokiri_Gensai]

*shrugs* some people are uncomfortable with it, i dont see it being wrong that he would like to be comfortable with his surroundings. My brother cant stand that im a lesbian, he'll talk to me and stuff, but he doesnt like my girlfriend and he didnt like it when we lived at home.

 

[II2]

Interesting scenario.

It generally takes more to admit you're uncomfortable or feel out of your depth and put the focus on yourself rather than putting the blame on someone else. It would be nice if they were more open to learning about different people and how they live, but the fact that the roommate is making the effort to be polite and forthright indicates to me they're consciously trying to be tolerant.

0.02

 

[Zen Toombs]

Honestly, considering the stories we get every day on The Escapist, this is fairly minor. No one got attacked, beaten, shot, or sued. So the roommate is uncomfortable. Roommate's call. Nothing wrong with that.

Well, while I think we could agree that everyone should respect the existence of gay and bisexual people, you can't honestly blame him for being uncomfortable around you. I mean, you've probably had many people in your life that you're honestly uncomfortable around yourself, but you probably don't see that as a maneagable thing to overcome do you? It's the same with this guy/girl. It's just the way people are.

So? If that's what he wants that's his choice, and he's free to do so. No big deal here.

OP here, and as I say in the Original Post and keep saying I know that (for the bolded) I'm extraordinarily lucky, and for the (italicised) I know that it's his call and his choice, and that's okay. I wish the guy had been more open, but it's okay that he's not. As for the (underlined), I'm usually comfortable enough around people to be okay with most things, and if I'm supposed to be in a situation I'd be uncomfortable with I let it play out. The only times that I've ever NOT just let the situation play out was when 1) I was roommated with someone with very bad hygiene and smelled horrible (it was so bad that I often didn't stay in my room, but I still kept at it for as long as possible) and 2) I was roomed with previously mentioned Homophobic Roomie and I was worried for my best friend's safety (also my own, if he changed his mind that I was cool even though I was bisexual).

 

[Darkeagle6]

I have to wonder: How would people react if the OP was a black person who had told the potential (presumably white, in this hypothetical example) roomate that there were, say, two black and one hispanic roommate living there, and that this roommate would have answered that they "aren't comfortable" living with them because they didn't have much experience with people of colour?

And no, the counter-example of a woman choosing not to move in with 3 guys is *not* equivalent.

 

[Zen Toombs]

I have to wonder: How would people react if the OP was a black person who had told the potential (presumably white, in this hypothetical example) roomate that there were, say, two black and one hispanic roommate living there, and that this roommate would have answered that they "aren't comfortable" living with them because they didn't have much experience with people of colour?

And no, the counter-example of a woman choosing not to move in with 3 guys is *not* equivalent.

I had the same thought as your first example, but didn't post because I didn't want to start a flame war. Amusingly, we even had the same races in mind...

And I'm wondering about your view that a woman choosing not to move in with 3 guys isn't equivalent. I think that they aren't as similar, but I'm not sure about your reasoning that the situations would be completely different. Why do you think that?

 

[GraveeKing]

I've noticed this quite a lot. People who are happily homophobic against everyone else but are just "Nah that's fine you're cool. Nothing personal against you."
They seem to think -rather stupidly- that every other bisexual and gay person comes under that horrible stereotype of being terrible camp. From those I've met - and I've met plenty - barely any meet that, so instead of them considering 'maybe not all gays and bisexuals are hatable' they refuse to budge on their own opinion - oh, except when it's politically incorrect.
It makes no sense at all....