So, on a scale of 1-10, how bad is this?

[Gwarr]

Depends what "felt her up " means . If it's just touching her body like he would have danced with her provocative or something...well not ok , but it ain't really the end of the world if he was drunk too . If it was more like undressing and touching or whatever , that's not acceptable and you should probably smack him one .

Can't really not point out how silly some of the replies sound " If he even laid a finger on her let him get raped by 30 men+ a dog "( not exact quote but pretty much ). Really? Because the guy , who obviously was drunk , put his arms around her for some minutes he deserves to be raped , are you guys hearing what you're saying? or have you ever been to a club lately? Trust me , I've danced with some girls and we felt each other (while both intoxicated ) more than this guy felt this girl ( or I hope so ).

He obviously wasn't himself and should man up and tell the girl the truth and face the consequences . Again , if it was just an "arms around her for some minutes , the girl should just be mad for some days and , if she ain't a psycho ***** , she should realize they were both drunk and they weren't acting like themselves.

 

[postblitz]

on a scale of 1 to 10 that would be 7 years of jailtime for rape where i come from.. just sayin'like it is bro. also i'd have broken his fingers if she'd be a friend of mine and if i were you.

take care.. hope she doesn't end up raped and dead in some field because of overloaded "friendlyness" from that person she considers a friend. (i WISH I was kidding, seen enough of that on tv watching the news..)

EDIT: many people saying "depends what u mean etc.." so lemme make this clear: his fingers on/in her vagina while she was unable to approve or have a say in it=rape. no discussion

 

[Dr_Pie]

I would have high fived him.

Deal with it.

 

[hooksashands]

It just sounds like he cuddled with her, and she was too drunk/passed out to notice/care.

To call something so trivial 'rape' is insulting to people who have literally been forced into intercourse against their will, either by physical threat or blackmail.

 

[Exile714]

You're not overreacting.

BTW, to anyone saying it's not rape: it is. By statute. I study law, this is the area I'm focused on now in criminology, I am not shitting you. Any kind of nonconsensual "sexual" contact (and arguably you can't consent when passed out drunk) amounts to rape in virtually any jurisdiction.

Hell. Being kissed against your will can be and has been construed as rape.

Your friend has raped someone, dude. Literally raped. Yes, even if he didn't stick anything anywhere.

So no, you're not overreacting.

I don't know where you're "studying law" but it's obviously not law school. As a bar certified lawyer, I can say that the facts given do not necessarily meet the standard for rape. More details are needed, but simply rubbing a woman's arm without her permission is not rape. We do not know where he touched her, thus it may not be "sexual contact."

At the very least, I would classify this as assault, though depending on where and how he touched her it COULD classify as rape. Again, we don't have the details.

On a moral scale, I would give it an 8/10 or a 9/10 depending on how he touched her. If it was intercourse, obviously it would be 10/10.

 

[blackcapedmanx]

So I guess I'm the devil's advocate here?

I mean the first thing I'd point out is there's a lot of contextual bearing in this case that is either unknown or being totally unconsidered. Suppose a slightly different scenario from the OP: Bunch of kids are at a party, everybody's drunk, some girl passes out, and some dude decides to cop a feel. In this case, absolutely bad news.

Here's the OP scenario: Best friends. Dancing together. Drinking together. Spend all their time together. Tell me honest there isn't mad sexual/romantic tension their. Does that justify his actions and absolve him of guilt? Not necessarily. But does it absolutely put him in the wrong? I really think that's the kind of thing that would have to be determined between two best friends who spend all their time together and got pass out drunk together one night. Let's imagine at some point they start dating after they've gotten over being shy about it, and one day dude's all, "so you know how we were friends, for like, ever, and there was crazy chemistry and we were kinda skirting around it and not doing anything about, and how we got shitty that one night after we went dancing? Yeah I kinda maybe felt you up a bit while you were out." I'd give 50/50 (and that's a conservative estimate,) that girl is all, "dude, why didn't you get on that when I was sober? I'd been waiting forever for you to make a move."

I'm not going go so far as to make a claim that "a passed out drunk girl is asking for it," like it's her fault, but if they're comfortable enough that she'll get pass out drunk, she might actually be asking for it in the sense that when you've been friends for too long a situation gets so intractable that the only resolution is drunk and sloppy. Again, I'm not saying he was specifically in the right, I'm just saying y'all are jumping to a lot of conclusions on potentially specious pretenses.

Summary: were it two strangers, definitely wrong. In the case of two best friends and a bunch of unknown variables, sometimes things get really dodgy and awkward and difficult before they settle into either "yeah we're doin' this," or, "not really into you like that." Maybe they don't even realize there is tension, maybe dude got drunk and it suddenly dawned on him that he was way into her and he didn't really go about making this determination in the most noble of manners. The determining factor in a case like this is whether or not she's actually offended by this, and while being surreptitiously groped probably isn't the ideal means of going about it there's always the possibility that any acknowledgement of physical attraction is the pivot that either or both of them are waiting for.

(And, merely for the sake of preemptively providing a little fuel for the firestorm that'll likely ensue, I'm going to point out now that I've been involved in more than a few drunken makeout/groping sessions (though, any outstanding cases where I might have been "victimized" in my sleep aside, they all took place with all relevant members being conscious,) and as a matter policy I'm usually pretty sheepishly apologetic about it the following day, and I've never had a case where the girl was like, "yeah you were pretty out of line," and more often than not it's a matter of, "took you long enough.")

 

[ZombieMonkey7]

I know this could be pretty hard to do if you haven't already, but you have to tell the girl, she deserves to know that her "best friend" just felt her up. You can't just let her hang out with this guy without her knowing he did something like this. You could also try to tell the guy to tell her to apologize and if he refuses tell her yourself (also that he refused to apologize)

 

[guess who]

that's rape if she finds out she could put that's sick fuck in jail so he gets raped by 30 men at a time.

Actually I should point out that the guy can't suffer any legal consequences if he doesn't want to, the only evidence the OP or the victim have is hearsay. If he doesn't confess it will be thrown out of court.

That's not to say what he did was not positively detestable, just saying there is no real case without a confession.

 

[Panda Mania]

You're right--a friend--especially a best friend!--would never do that to her. He obviously doesn't love her enough to respect her rights. I would tell him to tell (and apologize to) her right away. He needs to know that that kind of thing can have major social, legal, etc. consequences. And if he won't tell her, I'd encourage you to go ahead and inform her.

Hopefully he'll learn to stop that type of behavior. Because it is not okay.

EDIT: Whoops, kinda ninja'd by a previous post... >.>

 

[DeltaEdge]

Did he express any feelings of remorse about what he did? Did he look even remotely guilty about what he did? If he did and seems very ashamed and apologetic, then try to guilt him into telling both the one that he felt up, and the boyfriend that he took advantage of her sexually. If he really feels bad, then he will probably rat himself out and there will definitely be some major hurt feelings and he will probably be physically and verbally attacked by the people he wronged, but if they understand that he feels really bad, then they may forgive him but if he doesn't really care and is just keeping it on the DL or is even smug about it, then definitely tell on him because he definitely deserves it.

 

[loc978]

If he was drunk, and he feels bad about it, hopefully he learned something. If he doesn't feel bad about it, teach him.

 

[Sneezeguard]

Snip

Something similar to this has happen twice to my group of friends before but much worse.

The first time a guy we good friends with and a main part of our group sucked his friends dick when he was passed out. After that happen we cut the guy off. Some of us tried to fix it and told him to call the friend he had abused while he was passed out and talk to him, he claim it didn't happened and would talk to him about this. The friend who was sexually abused though very angry was open to talk to him if he called and would listen since they were close friends, he unfortunately never called or tried to talk to us though so he wasn't willing to make the effort to fix things then we wouldn't see him.


The second time this happened another guy in our group was hanging with a girl we were friends with and had crashed at her place on the couch after going to a bar and he went upstairs to her room when she was asleep and sat on her bed with his shirt off. He didn't tell anyone but the girl what happened knew and had pretended to be asleep because she was scared he might something if he knew she was awake. He kept trying to pry open her legs, the worst part was when she quietly whispered out her ex-boyfriend's name (one of his best friends as well) in an attempt to get him to stop and thing about what he's doing to her and his friend to which he responded
"Yes, I'm *ex-boyfriend's name* and you love me" when I heard that part it creeped the hell out of me.
He didn't tell any one about it. Before we found out he said he had done something wrong and he was scared. A few days later the news spread and we and all his friends found out. Our group and a group of friend close to the guy talked about and decided and since our group was closer friend's with the girl and hang out with her regularly that we would have to cut him off, while the other group said that what he did was wrong he still needs some friends but they will be very weary of him and be careful around him.

Last I heard of him the whole thing had kinda destroyed him everyone finding out like that, he quit his job and has withdrawn from the world and rarely goes out, only when he is invited by the very few friends he has.


In both those stories neither of them was drunk and knew what they were doing to the other person. Your friends situation sounds a bit better than the ones I had to deal with, I hope the my personal experience with friends who did this kinda thing helps.

My view of the whole thing 5 on a scale
Sexual frustration, alcohol and feeling for another person are a bad mix, he is gonna have to come clean about his feelings for her and what he did. Your gotta talk to him again and convince him to do the right thing and tell her and to live with the consquences. Try to avoid the police it will screw up his life over one moment of weakness and only use if you and her really thinks that he is a threat.

 

[Aprilgold]

7, the 7 is just the fact he CROSSED that line and did that type of things, then add 2 for him even doing it for X time. Then add 1 to self control for not raping her.
In conclusion, 9 points of wrong, 1 point of him ACTUALLY controlling himself and not raping her, but hes still the biggest douche I heard of. Thats just MEAN, THAT IS A DEED OF EVIL RIGHT THERE!

 

[Frozen Donkey Wheel2]

If she was legitimately knocked out, like, cold on the mattress because she passed out, I'd say that is crossing the line. At least he didn't rape her or something. That would be a sticky situation...

Wow, that is a TERRIBLE choice of words...

OT: Yeah, that's pretty fucking twisted. Your friend is an asshole.

 

[Dracowrath]

I know I'm late to the thread but this guy sounds like a douche.

 

[Pariah164]

Report his perverted ass. As a woman, I would definitely want to know if this happened to me, and immediately cut off ties with the person responsible. Hell, I'd report him.

 

[Imperium9990]

Your not overreacting. Your friend is a piece of shit.

 

[The Funslinger]

If she was legitimately knocked out, like, cold on the mattress because she passed out, I'd say that is crossing the line. At least he didn't rape her or something. That would be a sticky situation...

Not if he used a condom![footnote]I am so sorry...[/footnote]

OT: Yeeeeaaah, I wouldn't sleep grope someone I was dating/sleeping with, let alone a best friend who trusts me. Hell, I'd hesitate to kiss a girlfriend on the forehead as a sign of lovingness while she was sleeping.