So people think I'm gay...

[shootthebandit]

TLDR

hey dude dont let people get to you. If you know you are straight they can think what they want. I have a friend who has a camp demeanor, fashion sense and voice and naturally we all call him gay (much like yourself) but unlike yourself he plays along with it and he says things like "im the gayest straight man ever".

the best advice i can give you is just give yourself a bit more authority, simple as that. You dont have to change how you dress or how you act but you need to be confident in who you are or people will assume you are hiding something (e.g homosexuality). Just stand up tall and first of all accept who you are and then learn to be more dominant and stand up for yourself (not in an aggressive manner though)

edit: theres the time honoured classic of "are you gay?"...."are you asking me out?" thats bound to shut them up

 

[KeyMaster45]

*snip*

Wow, that's an infuriatingly annoying situation you find yourself in. Sadly it mostly boils down to stereotypes that people hold; it could be that your voice is an octave too high, it could be your choice of clothing, or it could be your mannerisms, the list just goes on and on of stupid BS people identify as gay. I would say just shrug it off, but I can understand how annoying it must be for people to keep telling you that you're wrong about what end of the sexual spectrum you sit on. You could try to change things about yourself to dispel these notions, but it may end up just backfiring and cause everyone to think you're overcompensating to hide the truth.

You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

The best advice that can be given for how to deal with it is to just take it in stride and politely correct people. Be confident in the fact that you know yourself far better than the people around you.

 

[Playful Pony]

Do you happen to look, act or talk extremely... Well, gay? Seriously X3. Cause I can't imagine how this situation would even come about otherwise. People tend to ask me if I'm "emo" or if I cut myself, because of the way I dress. It was annoying in highschool, but I don't really care anymore... It's completely understandable that people wonder if I do, because that's the stereotype X3. I don't understand why even random people keep asking though, that seems pretty rude to me... I don't go up to people in boobtubes with orange skin and ask them if they are really slutty and give handjobs to random guys in bars... I just asume, quietly to myself, that they do...

 

[LadyLightning]

My experience is actually a bit different.

I'm an MtF transgender person, in my mid-twenties. I only recently discovered who I am, so I haven't started hormones yet, but I act, speak and dress like a woman. I dare say I'm rather average, for a fat chick.

The thing is, I never used to do these things. Throughout most of my life, I looked and acted as straight and male as everyone else. Only after I came out to my friends as being transgender did they almost universally tell me that, the whole time they knew me, they thought I was gay, so it didn't surprise them in the least that I'm actually a girl on the inside.

I suppose the only thing I can really say to you, OP, is that I understand how being called something you're not on a daily basis is frustrating and demoralizing ~ after all, I still get called a man on a daily basis, even after telling people flat-out that I'm transgender, and no matter what my body may look like at the moment, my brain is female.

But in the end, it doesn't change anything. No matter how many people call me by my old name, or by a male pronoun, or just flat-out call me a "god-hating tranny fag," (Yes, I've been called that. Try being LGBT of any persuasion and living within walking distance of three churches. The amount of bigotry you'll encounter is astounding.) that doesn't mean I'm somehow less of a woman.

 

[II2]

Hey everyone. How are you tonight? I'm pretty ok, except for one thing...

For the fifth time in my life, someone has told me that I'm gay. Not implied. Not asked. Told me that I'm gay.

And I'm officially tired of it.

[text]

So Escapist, help me out here. Have you guys ever had someone question your sexuality? Or perhaps insist you come out of the closet when you never hid there in the first place? How did you or would you deal with it? I really want to see all perspectives of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have no one to talk to about this unfortunate chronic case of misplaced assumptions.

OP, if you can forgive me some bluntness, your post here concerning this belies why you might be targetted / assumed / identified in the first place. What I'm saying is that you are perceived, in part, by how you react to things. If it upset you, good chance your boss or whoever else thinks they've struck oil - some truth or shame. Don't bleed in front of sharks.

Think on that going forward.

Now, regarding friends and coworkers. Your friends are your friends because they like you for who you are, regardless of what that is that they think, if not, they're not your friends, just overly familiar peers. Your co-workers probably don't give a shit about you and have little investment in your personal affairs or happiness beyond how it impacts them day to day. Do not make a scene, get litigious or blow things out of proportion. If it happens again, you should remain unphased, and if possible, offer a sarcastically flippant rebuttal, changing the focus to the speaker and making THEM the flustered party.

EG:

Boss: We're filling the diversity quota (points at you).

You:
1) "I dunno, I've seen your web history, I think you sorted that out awhile back"
2) "Pleased you think my jock is such a solid investment"
3) *kiss kiss* "Love you too, daddy"
4) "Mind teling my girlfriend / mom? Save me the trouble." *Produce cellphone and dial*

Etc...

Be confident in yourself and control the conversation.

 

[Headsprouter]

Seems pretty arrogant of people to go and try to decide for you. If you walked into a gay bar and somebody assumed you were gay, I would understand, but just making the assumption based on your clothing and hobbies seems to cross a line.

I knew this girl in school who subtly inquired about my sexuality, despite my polite "no" she seemed to want to put me on a "list" of "maybes".

Does that mean she'd rather I said yes? I already sussed out from the amount of boys she'd rejected that she wasn't looking for a relationship, so what was the issue?

That's the only instance I can recall, I've been prodded for it jokingly, but as those people have come to know me better they've found me to be quite heterosexual.

The only thing I get accused of being often though is a stoner. I actually find it a bit understandable. Never touched a single one of the illegal substances, though.

I should probably add, I'm totally fine with people asking the question politely and accepting a no, my issue is only when people won't take no for an answer. Even if they are right, it's nobody's right to try and pull somebody out of the closet.

 

[bjj hero]

Plenty of guys have assumed im gay, even gay guys who recon theyre never wrong about this stuff. Interestingly Ive never had any issues picking up women or dating. Some guys even thought I did this to over compensate.

Theres nothing wrong with being metrosexual. If yo like how you are then keep doing your thing. If youre unhappy then look at what changes youd like to make rather than what others think. I feel no need to act all alpha male. It can look like im an easy target as Im laid back and easy going though. As some coward who attacked me at work thought. That why I keep that Ive been wrestling and kickboxing for the past 15 years to myself. Thankfully Im unhurt.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Okay, OP, you're looking at this the wrong way. What they're saying to you isn't "you MUST be gay"; they're really saying "you have to conform to my prejudices because I can't handle a world that doesn't". I've had a couple people ask me if I'm gay, and the only reason I can think of as to why is because I have a lisp- and Hollywood has taught us that men who have a lisp are flaming homosexuals.

But here, I'll give you a short questionnaire to determine if you're gay.

1. Do you prefer sexual relations with your own gender, and decline sexual relations with the opposite gender?

If yes, you're gay. If no, you're not. Problem solved! Who's up for lunch?

 

[masticina]

You think that is uncommon? Nah and neither can you really weapon yourself against it. Oh you can dress like a jersey shore ..but people will think you are a jersey jerk then. You can go all brooo.. and again people will think you dress like a jerk.

Oh go all many, strong muscles, flexing, see.. I am all manly manly.. yeah guess what some gay people are that and some other gay people like that. Okay so how about just not caring how you look then or how people look at you. Bingo you found out that still people might call you gay. Or ask if you are gay.

It doesn't matter what you do people will ask.

Get used to it, date who you like, sleep with who you like [but do it safe]. If that is girls that be girls, if that be boys that be boys.

And me? He.. they stopped asking what I am long ago. Long story lets say there is more then 1 and 0 in this game.

 

[krazykidd]

Okay this is funny .

Gay people complain that they feel harrasse and pressured to stay " in the closet" and here we got a straight guy who feels harassed and pressured to come out of the closet . The irony is delicious .

OT:

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

This.

 

[ninjaRiv]

Could be your face, your stance or your voice. I don't know what you look like so I'm speculating. But, perhaps, it's something that people have picked up. Like one friend said it casually to another and it built from there. Is that a possibility?

 

[Abomination]

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

And here we have it. This thread should have ended at the 13th post.

OP:

Do you like dick and exclusively dick? No? Then you're not gay.

Are you trying to pick up ladies where you work? Don't shit where you eat, son.

Finally, the moment has passed to bury this because your boss hasn't brought it up in front of an audience - but when he does ask something along the lines of if he has anything against gay people. Ask why he would bring it up. Be defensive of gay people by putting HIS opinions of gay people as the focal point. Once established that he has nothing at all against gay people say it's great but despite all of that - you're not gay... not that your sexual orientation is any of his business or anyone you work with's business.

 

[Keiichi Morisato]

only 5 times??? I get told that on a regular basis. I try not to make is big deal out of but it is very embarrassing, especially when I try to ask out a girl and she responds with "wait you're not gay?" and I have to say "I never said I was" and it ends with me getting turned down, and told that there is someone out there for me, and that I am a great guy, and that I am nice #foreveralone #friendzoned.

 

[The Tibballs]

When I was younger (high school age) both my parents and even my grandparents asked me if I was gay. I was very thin with soft feminine features, I was hell awkward when it came to asking girls out and I did have a lot of female friends, but that's mostly because I was bullied because I was such a small kid.
I was also really into the arts in college and that didn't really help my case.
But that being said I pretty much just learnt to ignore those people, you should feel comfortable with who you are and fuck whatever anyone else says.

Just be yourself and tell anyone that doesn't like it to go fuck themselves.

 

[A Weakgeek]

Go to a local forge and have them make you a vagina medallion. As everyone knows, all hetero men get their powers from exposure to vaginas. If the medallion is created and adjusted properly, it should react with your manly parts in a way that gives out a strong hetero aura. While normal people can't explain the aura, they can feel it and will recognize you as the immensly hetero man you are.

 

[Link_to_Future]

Huh...one of my random drunken diatribes actually turned into an interesting discussion? That's rare.

Some key points:

Okay, if your boss outed you at work, couldn't you sue over that? Regardless of whether you were actually gay or not. It sounds like that crosses a line to me.

Well, I no longer work for that company (unrelated reasons) and from what I've heard he was fired for "inappropriate conduct". It's just water under the bridge at this point but at the time it was really confusing.

Do you use net speak like saying LOL in actaul conversation or TL DR and think it's hip and funny? you might wanna stop. be a little less sassy.

I don't even use net speak on the net...

I have a dry sense of humor and am sarcastic on a very regular basis. If that makes me 'sassy' then I don't what I could do differently nor do I think I'd actually want to change it up.

But then I thought that it sounds like you are quite introverted and maybe not comfortable drawing attention to yourself in that way. You said that you spent a long time thinking about whether you were gay because you didn't want a relationship with women. It's funny that, while being gay is becoming more and more common, it's very difficult to come out and say "I'm asexual". Some people are just not that interested in sex, and that's ok too.

You say you are more interested in "romance". What do you mean by this? There are probably lots of girls who would like to meet someone without the constant pressure for sex. If you are hetrosexual and do eventually want to meet someone and fall in love, you are not helping yourself by appearing disinterested in women.

I'm not sure if I'd describe it as a disinterest in sex but rather a disinterest in casual sex. I've tried the whole one night stand game. It just leaves me feeling empty. If there's no connection than there's no real point for me.

You're not incorrect. I am pretty introverted and it feels like I'm becoming more so as time keeps ticking away. I get frustrated in crowded places and idle conversation drains a lot out of me. I've also become unfortunately picky in my dating and will terminate immediately if they annoy me too much. This is an unhealthy relic from the breakup of my last long term relationship and I know that I need to work on this.

The more I read that last paragraph I just wrote, the more I feel like I'm answering my own questions here... >.<

What is wrong with you people? Who cares if some people think you are gay?! Changing anything about yourself just so you don't appear "gay" is completely childish and absurd. How is this even a problem? If it's so important to you just tell them you aren't and that's that.

In order:

A lot of things. I do, but only because it's annoying. Not planning on changing myself. It's a problem in my mind because people trying to convince me I'm gay has officially passed the threshold of a few isolated incidents and I needed to vent because I was drunk. That would be that if they believed me.

I realize that in the grand scheme of the world, this is barely even a problem. When thrown upon the alter of the internet, my mild discomfort is nothing compared to some of the injustices that have been wrought. Hell, I know that I've had it easy. I've never been exposed to any sort of hate speech or been assaulted for seeming gay. People approach me from a place of love. Most seem to feel like I need to come out to them for my own sake.

If you want to judge this issue as insufficient, then I guess I'll take that as a win in this case. I've had it pretty easy.

Spoiler: On a completely unrelated note.

 

[VodkaKnight]

People ask me if I'm gay because I'm a bit of a weirdo, and quite public about it.
Allow me to say that again.
Just because I'm an oddball, people think I'm gay.
If you want to make people think you're straight, then just do MANLY things.
Like wrestle giraffes, engage in Harpoon duels, be rich, and have chest hair in the shape of Australia.
Or just be Saxton Hale.

 

[Little Woodsman]

I've had it happen a few times, all many years ago.

To the people who think this doesn't matter--it does. The things that people think/assume about you affect the way that they act towards you. I got turned down by a girl who I thought was extremely compatible with me because she "didn't want to waste her time with a gay guy who would just be using her for cover" and a completely different rumor about me caused a job offer to be withdrawn.

For the people talking about bullying & people calling them gay as a form of harassment--that's terrible, and I experienced it myself and you have all of my sympathy. But it's a different problem. Almost none of the people doing that actually think you are gay, they are just trying to be offensive.

Ok OP, just one thing I can throw out there, look out for this mannerism. When you are speaking to other guys, do you get physically closer to them than you do to women when you are speaking to them? Some guys do this to avoid being intimidating to the women, but many people get the wrong impression from it.

Hope things improve!

 

[BitterLemon]

Like others said, only you can tell if you're gay or not. About the people surrounding you, I know sometimes we don't have a choice, but try to be surrounded by people who don't judge you like that. Where I live, not liking soccer like a fanatic is a "sign" that you're gay. I grew up in my family always hearing comments like that because I wasn't good playing soccer and didn't had much interest... the same would happen in school, when I was a teenager. Just for not liking the "right" sport. (I used to play basketball, but it's not much respected here)

In college thou, I've meet friends who didn't care or had a any problem with gays (it was art school). In a party once, I was drunk as fuck and a gay dude started hitting on me. I ended up kissing him in front of everybody. I had never kissed a dude, but I did so, because I had curiosity. I have a girlfriend and I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, maybe I'm bi when I drunk, don't know... but I'm pretty sure I like women.. a lot. What my friends did later? Nothing... I've talked about it with some of them, it was cool... and no one thinks I'm gay, even though I kissed a dude.

It all depends on the people that surrounds you.