so someone is in your house

[Arsen]

Grab the knife or switchblade.
Insert the pointy end into their eyes.
Kick in nuts.
Repeatedly stab until the said intruder is begging for mercy.

 

[Dags90]

I would ask my wife if she wanted to get randy before the kids wake up

Is Randy a police officer or something?

OT: I'd probably think it was the TV or something. If it was clearly an intruder I'd GTFO via a window.

 

[The Afrodactyl]

I'd go downstairs to investigate with a bat.

If there's no-one, I go back to bed.

If there is someone, I make them a coffee, then wail on him/her with the bat; then take a victory sip from the coffee.