Someone please help me understand my parents thought process
- Thread starter The Lawn
- Start date
Recommended Videos
You've got a pretty bad situation, and I'll agree with what most of everyone is saying. Save up as much money as you can, and move out as soon as possible. I know that I plan to do the same.
My parents simply can't accept the fact that I think differently than them. Or that I can even think at all. My mother treats me like an infant, informing me of how to do every simple task, and my dad screams at me for being disobedient, flippant, or even straight disrespectful any time I voice a single thought. My solution is going to be to put some distance between us and visit occasionally.
In your situation, I would do the same.
My parents simply can't accept the fact that I think differently than them. Or that I can even think at all. My mother treats me like an infant, informing me of how to do every simple task, and my dad screams at me for being disobedient, flippant, or even straight disrespectful any time I voice a single thought. My solution is going to be to put some distance between us and visit occasionally.
In your situation, I would do the same.
about that bit when you got the job, some people seem dead set on complaining under all circumstances to the point of developing it as a reflex action.
Its like dealing with crazy people, try not to to agitate them to much and do your best to keep yourself calm.
parents usually dont like to be proved wrong in anything, and will inmediatly turn unresonable if they feel the have been corrected in some way by their children.
Its like dealing with crazy people, try not to to agitate them to much and do your best to keep yourself calm.
parents usually dont like to be proved wrong in anything, and will inmediatly turn unresonable if they feel the have been corrected in some way by their children.
A) Dont tell your parents how much you make
B) Syphon money off into an account
C) Move out
Your family is crazy man. Chores until 1pm and no thanks or reward? Fuck that man.
Move out, have the whole day to do stuff for you and start living your life. Your at College man, live it! Once it's over life's charms go downhill.
B) Syphon money off into an account
C) Move out
Your family is crazy man. Chores until 1pm and no thanks or reward? Fuck that man.
Move out, have the whole day to do stuff for you and start living your life. Your at College man, live it! Once it's over life's charms go downhill.
The fact that you didn't do what you were asked to do the night before put her in a bad mood. It's unfair, but it's my only explanation. And the only possible thought process I can find.
The main thing I don't understand is the thought process of "Get a job! Oh you got one. Damn."
Maybe she was annoyed you took away an excuse for her to nag you?
The main thing I don't understand is the thought process of "Get a job! Oh you got one. Damn."
Maybe she was annoyed you took away an excuse for her to nag you?
I'm in an almost identical situation. I just graduated in May, and I literally hadn't even unpacked my car after getting home from school before my mom was screaming at me about how I never do anything, and I need to find a job.The Lawn said:
Luckily, my summer job is as a camp counselor, so I'm moving in to the camp for the next six weeks tomorrow. My best suggestion is to find as many activities outside of the house as possible, or just tell her whenever you go out that you're job hunting.
Maybe if it was just the dogs, I'd take this comment seriously. But honestly? It sounds like you didn't read half the things the OP said, and need to take a fucking breath. Jesus.NapoleonWilson said:
I think they're just a bit confused on what would be the best way to courage you to do what is the absolute best for you.
That still sounds a bit crazy; I would've shown some personality if they were about to whine about forgetting to vacuum a tiny area like that, or not even having time to eat lunch, but that's just me.
That still sounds a bit crazy; I would've shown some personality if they were about to whine about forgetting to vacuum a tiny area like that, or not even having time to eat lunch, but that's just me.
Your mom can't be reasoned with and parents can never be really pleased by what they see in their offspring. You are always their kid and they are always viewing you through the filter of how they never did blah or it wasn't as hard to get a job in blah and "I was already blah blah blah BLAH!".The Lawn said:
That really won't see an end, because they are out of touch with the world of today. They don't understand anymore that the progression of the world has just made jobs harder to obtain because of the practices in mind. They don't understand that you are competing not only with people your par and above, but all of the more-easily-hired dodos who get roped into bad deals that they regret later. They don't GET that you're doing all you can to keep your head above water DURING A TIME OF RECESSION!
The job-hunting market has been HARD for a long time, and it is not easy getting something to work at. I have only gotten work NOW. I have been unemployed off and on for small shit since college until THIS TIME we are speaking. Shit is going to happen to us all at times and they won't get it, because I've had to hear ALOT of what you speak of now! So, on that note, the best thing to do is view them as not knowing shit and act accordingly.
My parents were treated like this and they treat me like this as well. Wait for the right opening. Obviously parents can be bitchy, unsatisfied, and over all, not loving once you pass the age of ten. (Or if you have a sibling.) I would suggest you leave and atleast grab an open apartment as soon as possible. THEN, you can atleast see your dad since he can actually see the good in you. If your lucky, maybe dad will say "SHOO!" to mother. Since my father is a psychologist, I observe his mental mind reading techniques and use the power against them.
just start stockpiling money and looking for a job as far away as you can afford on your nest egg then jet.
Parents like to say their kids don't listen to them. The one thing I can tell you for certain is parents listen even less.
At the risk of sounding like a whiny little thread-hijacking ***** I present my personal example as evidence. My mother tried for years to tell me I needed a girlfriend, I was handsome and smart and any girl would be happy to blah blah blah. Women have always sung me a very different tune, a low dirge of rejection with occasional notes of mean-spirited laughter and public ridicule. At irreparable cost to my self-esteem I have learned simply to leave them alone. My exhaustive efforts to explain this to my mother amounted to nothing. I tried telling her she was only causing bad feelings. She just couldn't understand, couldn't let it be. Her endless efforts to support me only increased my depression. It took twenty years for her to stop bringing it up. Even now she probably thinks I'm gay and afraid to admit it.
So, just get out as soon as you can. There isn't anything you can say to her. She's got her notions of how things ought to be and she ain't gonna change 'em for you. She may even think she's helping you. Cut her from your life completely if you think it's necessary but get out from under her roof.
At the risk of sounding like a whiny little thread-hijacking ***** I present my personal example as evidence. My mother tried for years to tell me I needed a girlfriend, I was handsome and smart and any girl would be happy to blah blah blah. Women have always sung me a very different tune, a low dirge of rejection with occasional notes of mean-spirited laughter and public ridicule. At irreparable cost to my self-esteem I have learned simply to leave them alone. My exhaustive efforts to explain this to my mother amounted to nothing. I tried telling her she was only causing bad feelings. She just couldn't understand, couldn't let it be. Her endless efforts to support me only increased my depression. It took twenty years for her to stop bringing it up. Even now she probably thinks I'm gay and afraid to admit it.
So, just get out as soon as you can. There isn't anything you can say to her. She's got her notions of how things ought to be and she ain't gonna change 'em for you. She may even think she's helping you. Cut her from your life completely if you think it's necessary but get out from under her roof.
Sounds like your mother is frustrated as Hell about something. It could be about a lot of things, some of which might have nothing to do with you, some of which might have everything to do with you. You can't know until you find out, you can't find out with your current approach to the situation.The Lawn said:
If you are looking for validation from your parents for what you are doing, stop. It won't happen. Don't expect it. Moving out will not show them how much good you do, doing more won't make them notice.
Here's a start to something you can do. Don't just assume your mom is crazy. That's really easy to do, but the truth is she is a human being on par with any other person you will meet. Which means you should probably talk to her like an adult.
I think the biggest point that you and a number of people are missing is how expensive it is to keep on a boarder. Now I suspect that during the year you are busy with classes, and maybe don't do as much, or at least not up to snuff of what your parents want. The point is you haven't had a job to defray the cost of using water, power, food, gas, etc. It may not be your fault, but it is likely putting strain on your parents, and at this brief moment between classes and work, your parents are trying to make up for that by having you do a lot of work. It sucks, but it happens. This is just built up tension from that. Times are hard in most places, and your parents are likely feeling the pinch a bit, and passing the stress to you.
My suggestion, on your first pay check, take your mom out to lunch and ask her if she is feeling stressed. Don't be surprised if a deluge ensues. Listen, don't defend, and be respectful. You'll find out valuable information that will help you manage these situations better and give better information for when you want advice.
If you don't want to deal, find a steady job and move out. Then you can get some perspective on what it is to take care of a human being and a home of your own. Lots of people have to pay for room and board along with college, so it's not impossible. It will also gain you some respect from your parents.
Talk to your dad about it. He might be unaware of the scale of the problem. Also a conversation with your sister might be good.
Have to wonder what personal problems your mom is dealing with/finding herself unable to deal with, that's causing her so much pent up anger. Sounds like whatever it is, your dad's found himself unable to help, has gotten tired of trying, and has decided to take on the role of passive observer. Either way, the fact that you're here trying to find answers from people with similar experiences shows that you're intelligent and level headed enough that you may be able to make a difference.
What I'd do if I were you, find a time when she's not actively flipping out over something, say that you want to talk to her before things get too hard between you, specifying that if she starts attacking you, the conversation's over. Sit down with her, just the two of you, and explain your position to her. Let her know how you feel, but don't get abrasive with her, if you can't keep your own words civil, there's no way she'll be able to. Don't just accuse her of treating you as she does, explain how her treatment feels. Rather than "you treat me like I'm worthless", say "the way you treat me makes me feel worthless" (or whatever you want to say)
Ask her why she's always angry with you, etc. Explain that you love her, that you don't want to lose her, but that with the way things are going, you can see your relationship with her going past the point of no return. Try to get her perspective, and find out what it is that causes her to be so angry. It won't likely be something you can help with, but maybe she's been unable to express it to anyone, and just getting it out could in and of itself be a huge help.
Worst case scenario, you find out that she never wanted to be a parent, or had ridiculous expectations of how her child would be and is disappointed, either of which at least give you a strong stepping point for getting away from her asap.
Best case scenario, you find out that her anger comes from reasons outside of you, have given your mom someone she can talk to. Might even turn out to be something you can help with, like, lets say, your dad is distant, they never talk, she has no friends outside the house, and is as such basically just lonely. On top of being someone she can talk to yourself, you can discuss her interests, and maybe help her use the internet to find groups of like-minded women in the area she could meet and form friendships with.
It's important to know that parents aren't just "parents". They're just as much people as anyone else. They don't know everything, they get hurt, they deal with what they can as best they can, and what they can't deal with can build up inside them. Some people have emotional breakdowns, some people keep it inside them and withdraw, some people can't keep it inside them but have it bubble up as anger, sadness, or other emotions. You can't expect them to be invulnerable.
Leastways that's my opinion, do with it what you will, but good luck with whatever you decide on.
What I'd do if I were you, find a time when she's not actively flipping out over something, say that you want to talk to her before things get too hard between you, specifying that if she starts attacking you, the conversation's over. Sit down with her, just the two of you, and explain your position to her. Let her know how you feel, but don't get abrasive with her, if you can't keep your own words civil, there's no way she'll be able to. Don't just accuse her of treating you as she does, explain how her treatment feels. Rather than "you treat me like I'm worthless", say "the way you treat me makes me feel worthless" (or whatever you want to say)
Ask her why she's always angry with you, etc. Explain that you love her, that you don't want to lose her, but that with the way things are going, you can see your relationship with her going past the point of no return. Try to get her perspective, and find out what it is that causes her to be so angry. It won't likely be something you can help with, but maybe she's been unable to express it to anyone, and just getting it out could in and of itself be a huge help.
Worst case scenario, you find out that she never wanted to be a parent, or had ridiculous expectations of how her child would be and is disappointed, either of which at least give you a strong stepping point for getting away from her asap.
Best case scenario, you find out that her anger comes from reasons outside of you, have given your mom someone she can talk to. Might even turn out to be something you can help with, like, lets say, your dad is distant, they never talk, she has no friends outside the house, and is as such basically just lonely. On top of being someone she can talk to yourself, you can discuss her interests, and maybe help her use the internet to find groups of like-minded women in the area she could meet and form friendships with.
It's important to know that parents aren't just "parents". They're just as much people as anyone else. They don't know everything, they get hurt, they deal with what they can as best they can, and what they can't deal with can build up inside them. Some people have emotional breakdowns, some people keep it inside them and withdraw, some people can't keep it inside them but have it bubble up as anger, sadness, or other emotions. You can't expect them to be invulnerable.
Leastways that's my opinion, do with it what you will, but good luck with whatever you decide on.
Their thought process is obvious. First they herp then they derp.
Now that we have that out of the way, you just need to hang in there. Once you have moved out you guys will become best friends. That's generally how it works. In the mean time you could always sit down with them and explain how you are feeling in an adult manner. Be very grown up about it to make them feel silly.
Now that we have that out of the way, you just need to hang in there. Once you have moved out you guys will become best friends. That's generally how it works. In the mean time you could always sit down with them and explain how you are feeling in an adult manner. Be very grown up about it to make them feel silly.
I'm paying for it with grants and loans I took out and money I saved while I was working full time my first 2 years of collage.NapoleonWilson said:
And would you do yard work at 11pm? That's what I meant by the night before, sorry for not being more specific.
