Stress in relationships

[Angry_squirrel]

For those of you who don't care to read my rant, the bottom line is this: How stressful do you find relationships? How do you cope with the stress relationships bring? Do you think relationships tend to bring more hurt than happiness? If yes, why do you bother with them?

I ask this because I want to better understand why many of us do this to ourselves, and for advice on how to deal with it. Here comes the rant.

I was in a long term relationship a while ago, with a girl I loved, but was unable to trust. I found myself being too clingy, emotional, and always assuming the worst. I was extremely concerned with keeping her happy, so much so that I would do things I knew can have long term bad side effects - mostly things like bottling up emotions. I was so rarely happy with the relationship, and more and more I found myself growing to resent her for how unhappy she made me. Eventually, she broke up with me.
Now, that girl - while nice at heart - was something of a messed up manipulator. I always assumed my unhappiness was a result of these things, rather than myself.


Anyway, skip forward 5 months, I'm still quite stressed about the break up, when I meet someone else, spend the next week getting to know her, then I ask her out, and she says yes. That was 10 days ago.

I haven't seen her since then since she lives a fair way away, but hopefully we'll meet up within the next few days.
We've been talking on the internet and phoning each other quite a bit since then, until 3 days ago. She's been organising a small festival, has been very busy, and hasn't been able to talk to me much as a result.

I know this is true. So far, this girl hasn't given me any reason not to trust her. And yet I'm driving myself mad with paranoia I FEEL like the relationship is going nowhere, like she could be cheating on me, like maybe she plans on breaking up with me, and like I'm about to go back to the shit that is singledom. It's ridiculous. I do know that part of the fact that it's been bothering me so much is that she's helped me get over my old girlfriend, and I really don't want to lose that, to go back to where I was before.

But, to be quite frank, I feel shit because I've fallen in love with someone I've only known 17 days, and now I'm feeling like I'm about to lose that person over for a problem that probably doesn't even exist. I hate myself for it yet I cannot help it.

The weird thing is that this girl has done NOTHING to stress me out. (So far) She's been nothing but honest, kind, and chilled out about everything. I know for a fact that she's got a good reason for not being able to talk to me, and that she will almost definitely start again once the festival is over and the aftermath of it cleaned up. So why must I feel like this? I hate being such a paranoid, stressy person, but I cannot help it. Do all relationships bring stress like this?

I have an audition for a band in less than 12 hours, I haven't learned the songs they want me to learn, and yet I'm keeping myself up, because I cannot sleep, because I'm so fucking paranoid and stressed out. So instead I'm on here, asking for advice from people I've never even met, so that I might make myself feel a little better, so that I may be able to sleep and perform half decent at this audition tomorrow, and hopefully have this girl prove to me that I'm just being paranoid.

Thoughts/advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: This has come out a lot more asking-for-advice-y than I originally intended, so apologies for putting it off-topic-discussion.

EDIT 2: 4 hours of sleep and a bath has me feeling a lot better. Looking back on these posts is freaking me out a bit though, mostly looking at the state I was in yesterday. I feel pretty fucking stupid for saying I love her: I don't. She offers hope for me, in the sense that she's the first person who I have actually liked besides my ex. I do care for her, maybe more than I should. Love? No.
Also the song I have to learn has turned out to be very, very easy. Which is good.

 

[bluepilot]

I think you should drink some nice warm milk and try to get some sleep. No girl is worth this much stress and if you cannot trust her you certainly should not be dating her. I think you have too many things to sort out in your own mind before dating again.

Once again, try to get some sleep and good luck tomorrow.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

I think you should drink some nice warm milk and try to get some sleep. No girl is worth this much stress and if you cannot trust her you certainly should not be dating her. I think you have too many things to sort out in your own mind before dating again.

Once again, try to get some sleep and good luck tomorrow.

But part of my point is that I should be able to trust her. She has't done anything wrong. I'm freaking out over what is probably nothing and I'm aware of that, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it.

 

[Ace of Spades]

I'd go so far as to say that my relationship with my girlfriend is the greatest form of anti-stress. I'm in a state of ecstasy whenever I'm around her, which is more than I could have asked for.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

Relationships are supposed to relieve stress. I know mine does, doesn't matter how pissy a day either of us have, when we get to chatting it boils off in seconds.


My advice to you: Just relax and put out of your mind the events of your previous relatiionship.

Really? They always, always stress me out. That's not to say they aren't worth it, they bring a lot of happiness too, but always stress.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

Yeah, seriously. It does. It doesn't matter which one of us had the pissy day either, when we get together it just melts away.

I don't really know how to respond to that, I assume most relationships stress people out, since I see it in friends and family, not just me.
If you're in a stress-free relationship, you're a damn lucky person

 

[Miggiwoo]

I think the most telling sign in this whole post is the line 'the shit that is singledom.' Being single isn't as good as being in a good relationship, but, if you can't at least be happy by yourself, then you will end up expecting to much of other people, especially early in a relationship.
A lot of men have this idea that they need to be supportive. Which is true, but it what happens a lot with men who have confidence and attachment issues is, they need their partner to make them feel needed. You want your partner to need to be supported, which results in you pushing rather than supporting.

Three things I think you should do. First, get a hobby that is physical and makes you feel strong. Martial Arts are good for this, but a lot of team sports are also great. Secondly, and this is controversial, go and get hammered with your friends. I know people advocate that drinking to solve problems is wrong, but that's not what this is about. It's about resetting, blowing off steam and really relaxing. Don't make it a habit, but when the going gets tough, a good boozing can help a lot. Finally, try to rationalize, seriously. What you are doing in this thread is acknowledging irrational thoughts, but you are dwelling on them, not letting them go. This leads to anxiety. If you are interested, this kind of therapy is called 'Acceptance and Commitment Therapy' (ACT) and there are many self help books about it.

Also, if you live in Australia, the Federal Government will fund 6 free sessions with a clinical psychologist, which will help you to deal with anxiety and anxiety related disorders.

 

[Cynicalgamer]

Relationships bring a lot of good when things are in fact good. The downside is when things go downhill, they leave terrible scars. This is clearly whats happening in your case. The thing about those scars though, is what you do with them. Do you use what you've learned to grow as a person? Or do you cling to them and let them make you miserable?

Making that decision and sticking to it is one of the hardest things one can do when one is in love and has their heart crushed. Any advice given to you can easily be ignored or not followed just due to the frame of mind you are in. Sometimes only time will heal any wounds.

I don't envy your situation much, bud. The upside is eventually you get used to this with each passing relationship. It stops mattering after a while.

Good luck. I hope my cynical post was at least somewhat helpful.

 

[SonicKaos]

Sounds like a rebound to me. You only want to date someone so that you don't feel alone, because being single is "shit." While being in a good relationship does feel good, being single is still far better than being in a bad relationship. Just chill out, and don't worry about the little details right now. She has a reason to be away, and she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her.

If she doesn't talk to you after that festival is over, then... and ONLY THEN do you have a reason to worry a bit. However, I think you need more time to yourself before you get back into a relationship again. It sounds like it sucks, but it'd help a lot.

 

[BOOM headshot65]

*trys to help.*

I think You are just being paranoid from the bad experiences of your last relationship. You said yourself, this girl you are with now you can trust. So you can stop that line of thinking, you are just being paranoid. Until she gives you a reason to not trust her, you always do trust her.

And no, not all relationships are stressfully. My girlfriends and I trust eachother with anything, we always try to make eachother happy, and we are interested in the same things (military and videogames). Just try and find some common ground and you can both be happy.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

I think the most telling sign in this whole post is the line 'the shit that is singledom.' Being single isn't as good as being in a good relationship, but, if you can't at least be happy by yourself, then you will end up expecting to much of other people, especially early in a relationship.
A lot of men have this idea that they need to be supportive. Which is true, but it what happens a lot with men who have confidence and attachment issues is, they need their partner to make them feel needed. You want your partner to need to be supported, which results in you pushing rather than supporting.

Me pushing isn't so much of a problem, I'm very good at hiding things and when we talk she's often telling me how it's good that I'm so chilled out about everything. But yes, I do need to feel needed.

Three things I think you should do. First, get a hobby that is physical and makes you feel strong. Martial Arts are good for this, but a lot of team sports are also great. Secondly, and this is controversial, go and get hammered with your friends. I know people advocate that drinking to solve problems is wrong, but that's not what this is about. It's about resetting, blowing off steam and really relaxing. Don't make it a habit, but when the going gets tough, a good boozing can help a lot. Finally, try to rationalize, seriously. What you are doing in this thread is acknowledging irrational thoughts, but you are dwelling on them, not letting them go. This leads to anxiety. If you are interested, this kind of therapy is called 'Acceptance and Commitment Therapy' (ACT) and there are many self help books about it.

Also, if you live in Australia, the Federal Government will fund 6 free sessions with a clinical psychologist, which will help you to deal with anxiety and anxiety related disorders.

My problem is confidence specifically in relationships, I do parkour and gymnastics, my manliness is not something that bothers me. I don't drink, but I do go out with friends when possible. As for ACT, I've never heard of it, but I may actually look that up when I have the time.

Counselling. That's... a little worrying to be told I need it.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

Relationships bring a lot of good when things are in fact good. The downside is when things go downhill, they leave terrible scars. This is clearly whats happening in your case. The thing about those scars though, is what you do with them. Do you use what you've learned to grow as a person? Or do you cling to them and let them make you miserable?

Making that decision and sticking to it is one of the hardest things one can do when one is in love and has their heart crushed. Any advice given to you can easily be ignored or not followed just due to the frame of mind you are in. Sometimes only time will heal any wounds.

I don't envy your situation much, bud. The upside is eventually you get used to this with each passing relationship. It stops mattering after a while.

Good luck. I hope my cynical post was at least somewhat helpful.

I most definitely don't want to end it, she's great and I feel pretty damn lucky that she likes me back. Logically, I know that I'm second guessing her because my last relationship left me with trust issues(scars, if you will). That's why I'm talking to you guys about it instead of challenging her: She deserves the benefit of the doubt because really she's (almost definitely) done nothing wrong, and still likes me.
The sad fact is that I know this, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

 

[Miggiwoo]

Counselling. That's... a little worrying to be told I need it.

Anxiety and depression are extremely common. It should not be worrying to be told you may benefit from it. Counseling is not just for people with extreme conditions (and some would argue that it specifically IS NOT for people with extreme conditions). Most cases can be treated with some simple thought exercises, medication is usually not recommended.

Simply talking your problems through with an impartial person who is trained to help you deal with these issues is enormously beneficial.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

Sounds like a rebound to me. You only want to date someone so that you don't feel alone, because being single is "shit." While being in a good relationship does feel good, being single is still far better than being in a bad relationship. Just chill out, and don't worry about the little details right now. She has a reason to be away, and she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her.

If she doesn't talk to you after that festival is over, then... and ONLY THEN do you have a reason to worry a bit. However, I think you need more time to yourself before you get back into a relationship again. It sounds like it sucks, but it'd help a lot.

Maybe, but a rebound after like 5 or 6 months? It's not like I jumped into it, I had a few chances with some other people, but I turned them down. I specifically waited until I met someone I really, really like.
This isn't exactly a bad relationship, we get on well, we've a lot in common, and we've yet to have an argument. I think I'm just being paranoid, but I still feel terrible.

Maybe you're right there. But the thing is, I do really really like her. Probably more so than I should given how long I've known her actually, but that doesn't make it any less genuine.

 

[Angry_squirrel]

*trys to help.*

I think You are just being paranoid from the bad experiences of your last relationship. You said yourself, this girl you are with now you can trust. So you can stop that line of thinking, you are just being paranoid. Until she gives you a reason to not trust her, you always do trust her.

And no, not all relationships are stressfully. My girlfriends and I trust eachother with anything, we always try to make eachother happy, and we are interested in the same things (military and videogames). Just try and find some common ground and you can both be happy.

But don't you find it difficult, for example, when you go a day or two without talking?

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

Well, you've already got steps 1 and 2 covered. i.e. You know that you are the one with a problem, and that you genuinely want to be free of it so you can stop feeling like this.

Step 3: be honest to the people closest to you that you have a problem (especially this girl, the least you can do is be honest if you feel as strongly as you say you do and if that makes her back out you need someone with a bit more bottle anyway).

Step 4: Figure out how to fix your problem.

Step 5: Fix it.

As for the last two steps I can't help you, these things vary from person to person. But kudos for asking for help in the first place. Most people in your position don't and it only makes things worse. Good job.

 

[BOOM headshot65]

*trys to help.*

I think You are just being paranoid from the bad experiences of your last relationship. You said yourself, this girl you are with now you can trust. So you can stop that line of thinking, you are just being paranoid. Until she gives you a reason to not trust her, you always do trust her.

And no, not all relationships are stressfully. My girlfriends and I trust eachother with anything, we always try to make eachother happy, and we are interested in the same things (military and videogames). Just try and find some common ground and you can both be happy.

But don't you find it difficult, for example, when you go a day or two without talking?

Considering that we live far away from eachother (not really, only like 15 miles) and she lacks a drivers liecense (even though she is 17) we dont see eachother more than once a month, if that. We try to talk over the phone, but we can never think of anything to talk about (we are motormouths together though). But I believe there is a qoute that goes "Everyday it gets easier missing someone. Because it isnt one more day since youve seen them last, but it is one day closer to when you can see them again."