Don't mind if I do!
I'll try to write them semi review like, with more sentences then I probably should, and I will exaggerate A LOT, so I'll count the actual real nitpicking separately (this mean the review form will bash things I actually like). I'll proceed to read yours after I finished mine, so I won't get biased.
Team Fortress 2 (Rank: Reasonable)
Banjo-Kazooie (Rank: Reasonable)
I apologies for the writing quality.
I'll try to write them semi review like, with more sentences then I probably should, and I will exaggerate A LOT, so I'll count the actual real nitpicking separately (this mean the review form will bash things I actually like). I'll proceed to read yours after I finished mine, so I won't get biased.
Team Fortress 2 (Rank: Reasonable)
I've been introduced to this game by a friend who said it was pretty fun and cheap. What a load of bullocks. I don't even know were to begin. The first thing that you'll surely realize when playing this game, is that it has horrible graphics. For a game that spent so much years in development, we get some kind of cell shaded cartoon looking graphics, how is that supposed to make sense in an FPS of all things? Some characters are so deformed, for example look at the heavy, with hands and forearms that large, they probably made him Russian because he spent too much time at Chernobyl in company of Popeye.
Speaking of Popeye, this game seems to have a strange sense of humor toward it's players because you can get new weapons, but some of them are not worth using over the original weapons! Why would you think it is a good idea to give your player base new stuff that are worst then the gear you start with? Is it so when newer players join it automatically gives you an handicap so it balances itself out because you are willing to get dominated by newbies who don't even know how to do it properly?
Speaking of balance, this game have NONE! You are offered ten classes to choose from: The scout, soldier, pyro, demoman, heavy, engineer, medic, sniper, spy and a big question mark. First of the question mark class is just a straight up copy cat of the nine other classes, talk about recycling ideas!
-So you are left with 9 actual classes, but why would you choose the medic when he barely have anything fit to harm anyone and it's second weapon can't even hurt people, it can heal other players but not you, why would I want that, I want points to climb on the leader-board dammit.
-The engineer is just a slowed down scout with the same amount of health, a worst shotgun and slower melee speed. The only thing you have that he doesn't have, is the ability to create some buildings to help you, but the damned things are stationery and easily avoidable!
-The heavy is so slow that it takes forever to see anyone, to top it off, you are so inefficient at any distance other than close range that you might as well never change from your melee weapon, which are is bare fists, how am I am supposed to beat someone who have a knife with this? He might have more health then anyone, but it's not like it serves it any good since spies can one shot you anyway.
-The sniper can one shot players from any range, the spy can turn invisible, the scout can catch up on anyone, the pyro can set you on fire which drains you health even if you kill him, the demoman can camp a corner and kill anything that passes near with his stickie bombs and the soldier's rocket launcher have so much splash radius and crit ratio that you can kill the whole opposing team if they are together.
Crits, that's right, your weapon can randomly generate projectiles that deals 3 times it's usual damage output! With such mechanism, why pick any classes but soldier, snipers or spies? They even had a competition between demomen and soldiers to see who can kill the other more? guess who won? Soldiers.
So out of 10 classes, only 3 are worth using, perfect.
You might have heard about free updates, well there are updates, but you might consider that downgrades. The only things it brought were new weapons to find useless, new maps that no one will play more then a week, classes saturation for a month and HATS.
The thing that the whooole community cares about in an FPS, are HATS! at first they did nothing, but now that the game have it's own economy, some hats grants you bonuses, clearly unbalanced towards the other hats, and if you want it, you can pay for it, or wait an eternity for the broken system which gives you weapons to give you one! This is nonsense! And if that wasn't enough, some of theses "economists" waste player slots by standing there doing nothing, while mugging you to give him your stuff in exchange of his collection of rocks he found at his feet seconds ago.
The one thing that might save this forsaken game is how much you can mod it. Turns out it doesn't. Give people power, and they will destroy your properties and force their views on you. When I join a server I join it to play the game, not see people flying, being invincible by rolling a dice, camping your spawn, while spraying pictures of sick stuff, gross stuff, or sexually explicit things I am not into (see furry sprays, you've seen them don't lie) while the said 'admins' don't do anything to prevent it, when I join a server and point out the problem, I expect the admins to fix it within the second before I quite and blacklist the server, it's not like it takes more then that to track the hacker and it's sprays, and the proceeding to type sm_ban(username) in console after judging the penalty it will have to pay.
That gave is a waste of your time and money, I want my 30$ and 627 hours back VALVe!
(real problems)
1. Map saturation, No I want to play something other then 2fort or dustbowl thank you.
2. Traveling traders, those who spam trade offers on every server they go.
3. Sprays, yeah, I've seen 2 girls 1 cup and Meatspin, thanks a lot for bringing these memories back via .gifs
4. People that will rage quit at the first thing that stop them from steam rolling us.
5. Snipers who can't head-shot you even if you stand perfectly still, and taunt.
6. Griefers
7. The lack of medics when I'm not one.
Speaking of Popeye, this game seems to have a strange sense of humor toward it's players because you can get new weapons, but some of them are not worth using over the original weapons! Why would you think it is a good idea to give your player base new stuff that are worst then the gear you start with? Is it so when newer players join it automatically gives you an handicap so it balances itself out because you are willing to get dominated by newbies who don't even know how to do it properly?
Speaking of balance, this game have NONE! You are offered ten classes to choose from: The scout, soldier, pyro, demoman, heavy, engineer, medic, sniper, spy and a big question mark. First of the question mark class is just a straight up copy cat of the nine other classes, talk about recycling ideas!
-So you are left with 9 actual classes, but why would you choose the medic when he barely have anything fit to harm anyone and it's second weapon can't even hurt people, it can heal other players but not you, why would I want that, I want points to climb on the leader-board dammit.
-The engineer is just a slowed down scout with the same amount of health, a worst shotgun and slower melee speed. The only thing you have that he doesn't have, is the ability to create some buildings to help you, but the damned things are stationery and easily avoidable!
-The heavy is so slow that it takes forever to see anyone, to top it off, you are so inefficient at any distance other than close range that you might as well never change from your melee weapon, which are is bare fists, how am I am supposed to beat someone who have a knife with this? He might have more health then anyone, but it's not like it serves it any good since spies can one shot you anyway.
-The sniper can one shot players from any range, the spy can turn invisible, the scout can catch up on anyone, the pyro can set you on fire which drains you health even if you kill him, the demoman can camp a corner and kill anything that passes near with his stickie bombs and the soldier's rocket launcher have so much splash radius and crit ratio that you can kill the whole opposing team if they are together.
Crits, that's right, your weapon can randomly generate projectiles that deals 3 times it's usual damage output! With such mechanism, why pick any classes but soldier, snipers or spies? They even had a competition between demomen and soldiers to see who can kill the other more? guess who won? Soldiers.
So out of 10 classes, only 3 are worth using, perfect.
You might have heard about free updates, well there are updates, but you might consider that downgrades. The only things it brought were new weapons to find useless, new maps that no one will play more then a week, classes saturation for a month and HATS.
The thing that the whooole community cares about in an FPS, are HATS! at first they did nothing, but now that the game have it's own economy, some hats grants you bonuses, clearly unbalanced towards the other hats, and if you want it, you can pay for it, or wait an eternity for the broken system which gives you weapons to give you one! This is nonsense! And if that wasn't enough, some of theses "economists" waste player slots by standing there doing nothing, while mugging you to give him your stuff in exchange of his collection of rocks he found at his feet seconds ago.
The one thing that might save this forsaken game is how much you can mod it. Turns out it doesn't. Give people power, and they will destroy your properties and force their views on you. When I join a server I join it to play the game, not see people flying, being invincible by rolling a dice, camping your spawn, while spraying pictures of sick stuff, gross stuff, or sexually explicit things I am not into (see furry sprays, you've seen them don't lie) while the said 'admins' don't do anything to prevent it, when I join a server and point out the problem, I expect the admins to fix it within the second before I quite and blacklist the server, it's not like it takes more then that to track the hacker and it's sprays, and the proceeding to type sm_ban(username) in console after judging the penalty it will have to pay.
That gave is a waste of your time and money, I want my 30$ and 627 hours back VALVe!
(real problems)
1. Map saturation, No I want to play something other then 2fort or dustbowl thank you.
2. Traveling traders, those who spam trade offers on every server they go.
3. Sprays, yeah, I've seen 2 girls 1 cup and Meatspin, thanks a lot for bringing these memories back via .gifs
4. People that will rage quit at the first thing that stop them from steam rolling us.
5. Snipers who can't head-shot you even if you stand perfectly still, and taunt.
6. Griefers
7. The lack of medics when I'm not one.
Banjo-Kazooie (Rank: Reasonable)
Now to take out my "Like Super Mario 64 but" stamp.
Banjo-kazooie is like Super Mario 64 but instead of being an Italian plumber who collect stars and coins, you are a bear with a bird in your backpack collecting jigsaws pieces and music notes.
For a game who tries to mimic Super Mario 64 it really does well copy the blocky graphics, but seems to have forgotten to include some worlds in it. While Super Mario 64 have 3 bosses fights and a grand total of 120 stars, Banjo-Kazooie only feature 1 boss fight, and only have 100 jigsaw pieces.
Each stages contains 10 jigsaw pieces and 100 notes, while the jigsaw pieces you find are permanent the notes are not, so if you exit the stage before getting them all, you need to start all over again, that's artificially extending the game's life. Something else you might collect, are health containers, which aren't necessary at first, but later on becomes essential due to poor camera.
While it might seem like a mindless treasure hunt, Banjo is actually collecting those things to rescue his sister, which has been kidnapped by a witch who wants to be the prettiest thing alive (Snow white and the seven dwarfs anyone?) and plan to steal her beauty. At your first game-over you face an unskippable cutscene which reveal the antagonist after she stole your sister's beauty, to be fairly physically attractive and laugh at you.
About the antagonist, all the dialogue she mutter always rhyme, but the actual sound you here is nothing more then random noises, which can be pretty annoying at mid term, even more at long term, and have a twin sister which is a fairy who gives you insight of her personal life. You would think it is pretty useless, but before saving you sister, the antagonist force you to play a board game, where you need to answer questions about the game or the antagonist, if you are wrong, you lose some health, and some questions insta-kills you. I wanted to play a game not study and pass an exam!
After you pass that quiz, you rescue your sister but the witch flee to the top of the tower where you confront her. That fight shows of the problems of the camera controls, the flight aiming, bad collision detection and is all in all frustrating. The controls of this game are so stiff you can't be all that precise.
By the time you enter the final battle, you unlocked some new abilities, which to be frank are either useless or should have been available at the very beginning. How you learn those techniques you might ask? By talking to a shortsighted mole, how those that even make sense that a mole know more about a bear and bird abilities then the bear and bird themselves?
If this game is close to a mario game, it would be super mario bros 3, in the sense that neither of those makes any sense!
(Actual problems)
1. Need to unlock some basic moves.
2. Some moves are completely useless except at the moment you unlock it.
3. Camera can sometime be awkward.
4. Voice acting is terrible.
5. Instant kill questions about the witch background life.
Banjo-kazooie is like Super Mario 64 but instead of being an Italian plumber who collect stars and coins, you are a bear with a bird in your backpack collecting jigsaws pieces and music notes.
For a game who tries to mimic Super Mario 64 it really does well copy the blocky graphics, but seems to have forgotten to include some worlds in it. While Super Mario 64 have 3 bosses fights and a grand total of 120 stars, Banjo-Kazooie only feature 1 boss fight, and only have 100 jigsaw pieces.
Each stages contains 10 jigsaw pieces and 100 notes, while the jigsaw pieces you find are permanent the notes are not, so if you exit the stage before getting them all, you need to start all over again, that's artificially extending the game's life. Something else you might collect, are health containers, which aren't necessary at first, but later on becomes essential due to poor camera.
While it might seem like a mindless treasure hunt, Banjo is actually collecting those things to rescue his sister, which has been kidnapped by a witch who wants to be the prettiest thing alive (Snow white and the seven dwarfs anyone?) and plan to steal her beauty. At your first game-over you face an unskippable cutscene which reveal the antagonist after she stole your sister's beauty, to be fairly physically attractive and laugh at you.
About the antagonist, all the dialogue she mutter always rhyme, but the actual sound you here is nothing more then random noises, which can be pretty annoying at mid term, even more at long term, and have a twin sister which is a fairy who gives you insight of her personal life. You would think it is pretty useless, but before saving you sister, the antagonist force you to play a board game, where you need to answer questions about the game or the antagonist, if you are wrong, you lose some health, and some questions insta-kills you. I wanted to play a game not study and pass an exam!
After you pass that quiz, you rescue your sister but the witch flee to the top of the tower where you confront her. That fight shows of the problems of the camera controls, the flight aiming, bad collision detection and is all in all frustrating. The controls of this game are so stiff you can't be all that precise.
By the time you enter the final battle, you unlocked some new abilities, which to be frank are either useless or should have been available at the very beginning. How you learn those techniques you might ask? By talking to a shortsighted mole, how those that even make sense that a mole know more about a bear and bird abilities then the bear and bird themselves?
If this game is close to a mario game, it would be super mario bros 3, in the sense that neither of those makes any sense!
(Actual problems)
1. Need to unlock some basic moves.
2. Some moves are completely useless except at the moment you unlock it.
3. Camera can sometime be awkward.
4. Voice acting is terrible.
5. Instant kill questions about the witch background life.
I apologies for the writing quality.
