tell me some bad jokes

[CthulhuMessiah]

Why do mermaids where sea shells?

Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big


Why did the chicken cross the road?

On the other side of the road is a hospital, and the chicken is going there because last night his mother had a heart attack and he wants to put aside their differences because they haven't talked in 5 years over a stupid argument.

She never woke up from her coma, died a week later, the chicken became an alcoholic because they never made up, lost his job, kids, wife, and lived in the streets for 3 years, until he died from a cold winter, unloved.

 

[Quazimofo]

I'm just glad you guys didn't make any Holocaust jokes.

They're not funny.

My grandpa died in a concentration camp.

He fell off the watchtower.

hey, thats odd. my grandfather died in one too. some bastard fell on him

 

[freaper]

A bunch of helium floats into a bar. The bartender gives it a stern look and mumbles "We don't serve your kind around here."
The helium doesn't react.

That was actually the first one to make me laugh, and I don't even like chemistry that much.

OT: What's green and slides down a mountain?

Spoiler

A skiwi

What's red and blue and runs around the church?

Spoiler

Jesus in his new jogging outfit

 

[Eldritch Warlord]

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender says: "What is this, a joke?"

 

[RatRace123]

What do you call a guy with Brown hair, blue eyes and who's wearing a really nice suit.

Spoiler: Answer

Nothing, because he's been dead for five years and he wouldn't hear you.

Two Irishmen walk into a bar in south Boston.

Spoiler

They sit down, have a few drinks and exit the bar two hours later. They left a generous tip.

 

[Don Savik]

[img src=http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltk857gcxo1qzamioo2_500.png]

:3 its so cute

 

[BabyRaptor]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

(Roommate's favourite lame joke. Hear it every time he gets wasted.)

 

[SamwasKing]

What did Gary Newman want to be when he grew up?
Gary Oldman.

 

[Atticus89]

What did the fish say when it hit a wall while swimming?

Dam!

 

[Chezza]

*Drives by a Cemetary*

Hey Kids, see that? Its the 'Dead Center' of town! Everyone is dying to get in there!

Actually personally I think that's a damn fine joke. 2 in 1

 

[krazykidd]

Two guys are walking down the street.
The first guy walks into a bar.
The other guy ducks.

 

[krazykidd]

*Drives by a Cemetary*

Hey Kids, see that? Its the 'Dead Center' of town! Everyone is dying to get in there!

Actually personally I think that's a damn fine joke. 2 in 1

That's actually pretty funny.

 

[Zorpheus]

What do you get when someone sits on a hot oven?
Baked buns.

 

[Zyxzy]

Patrick Whack, a bank teller, was at his window one day when to his surprise up walks a frog asking for a loan. "How much do you need?", he asks, once he's got over the shock of a talking frog. "£500,000" says the frog. "That's a lot of money... what kind of collateral can you put up?" Without another word the frog takes a small ceramic white elephant out of his pocket and slides it across. "Look, if you're not going to take this seriously, Mr, uh..?" "Jagger. Kermit Jagger. I know the manager, and if you talk to him I'm sure he can sort this out." So Patrick goes into the back room and finds the bank manager. "You won't believe this. There's a frog at my window, says his name is Kermit Jagger, and he wants to borrow 500k against this.... thing! I mean, what the hell is that, anyway?" The manager takes a look, sighs, and says,

Spoiler

"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says "No soap, radio!"

 

[Chezza]

Ok ok I gots another one!

"My Dog has no noes!"
"But how does he smell?"
"Terrible!"

 

[Snake Plissken]

Q:What's green and has wheels?

A: Grass. I lied about the wheels.

 

[scorptatious]

Stolen from Chuggaconroy:

Spoiler

Where did Miyamoto graduate from college?

Wii U.

And here's something I made up:

Spoiler

What do you call a waffle on the beach?

A Sandy Eggo.

 

[Nihlus2]

There are three downsides about growing old:

You don't remember as well as you used to
You don't hear as well as you used to
And you don't remember as well as you used to!

 

[Pyrignis]

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Spoiler: This will ruffle your jimmies

Gang rape