The Depressing Thread
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So I'm 23, unemployed, and I don't find life especially interesting or worthwhile. But that's not what's really got me down.
About a year ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me because I "Don't care enough about her." And it's true that I'd been finding myself more "used to" spending time with her than "Enjoying" spending time with her. But to be honest, she was clingy, we'd lived together for 3 years and we rarely left the house outside of each others company. So we broke up, got back together again, broke up again, she moved back in with her mother in Virginia. I wasn't happy about it, but to be honest I didn't really hate the idea of time apart from her, even if it was permanent.
But here's where it all goes south. I knew that there would be some lingering feelings between us, since we did love each other once and we stayed together for 4 years, but I never imagined that all that I would feel is guilt. A few months after we broke up my ex started being a career alcoholic, which I didn't see as too awful because she was kind of on that path before we started dating. Still, I was concerned and tried to talk to her about it and she basically told me that she did it because she didn't care what happened to herself anymore, she didn't have anything to live for and she just wanted it all to go away. Since then she's spent most of her time either drunk or high and I don't really hear from her.
Until 2 weeks ago. She was sober for once and called me to vent her existential crisis. She said that she had learned that being a girl means that you don't actually have to do a lot, guys are generally willing to buy you drinks, drugs, and gasoline with little to no coercion whatsoever. That she felt really unfulfilled in letting them do so, but she couldn't stop because she didn't understand what there was to live for. That if we all die in the long run, then nothing that we actually do in life matters because it doesn't forestall the inevitable. That she can't stop herself from making bad decisions because she doesn't see the benefit in making better choices. This particularly struck me because it's something that I've struggled with all my life and confessed to her several times. Somehow I couldn't help but feel responsible for putting it in her head.
I talked to her for a bit later that night, but she was high again and didn't really seem to absorb any of what I was saying. I've heard from a mutual friend that she "Got over it." but I think that she's just back to not being sober as a way to cope with life. I've figured out that she really only calls me when she's upset, which is when she's sober. I know that her family tends to neglect her out of hand, which is part of the reason that she was always so clingy with me, so I know that nobody that she cares about really gives enough of a shit to help her. Except me; but she's over 300 miles away and I really, really don't want to be responsible for her anymore.
The truth is that she's acting out to see who cares enough to stop her. That's how she is, she wants somebody to literally take the booze out of her hand and tell her that she has a problem. But neither her family or her friends know that that's what she wants and they're just letting her run wild. So now I feel like it's my responsibility to save her but I live 300 miles away and have a very negative view on responsibility of any kind. And so I'm filled with guilt for not helping her.
About a year ago, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me because I "Don't care enough about her." And it's true that I'd been finding myself more "used to" spending time with her than "Enjoying" spending time with her. But to be honest, she was clingy, we'd lived together for 3 years and we rarely left the house outside of each others company. So we broke up, got back together again, broke up again, she moved back in with her mother in Virginia. I wasn't happy about it, but to be honest I didn't really hate the idea of time apart from her, even if it was permanent.
But here's where it all goes south. I knew that there would be some lingering feelings between us, since we did love each other once and we stayed together for 4 years, but I never imagined that all that I would feel is guilt. A few months after we broke up my ex started being a career alcoholic, which I didn't see as too awful because she was kind of on that path before we started dating. Still, I was concerned and tried to talk to her about it and she basically told me that she did it because she didn't care what happened to herself anymore, she didn't have anything to live for and she just wanted it all to go away. Since then she's spent most of her time either drunk or high and I don't really hear from her.
Until 2 weeks ago. She was sober for once and called me to vent her existential crisis. She said that she had learned that being a girl means that you don't actually have to do a lot, guys are generally willing to buy you drinks, drugs, and gasoline with little to no coercion whatsoever. That she felt really unfulfilled in letting them do so, but she couldn't stop because she didn't understand what there was to live for. That if we all die in the long run, then nothing that we actually do in life matters because it doesn't forestall the inevitable. That she can't stop herself from making bad decisions because she doesn't see the benefit in making better choices. This particularly struck me because it's something that I've struggled with all my life and confessed to her several times. Somehow I couldn't help but feel responsible for putting it in her head.
I talked to her for a bit later that night, but she was high again and didn't really seem to absorb any of what I was saying. I've heard from a mutual friend that she "Got over it." but I think that she's just back to not being sober as a way to cope with life. I've figured out that she really only calls me when she's upset, which is when she's sober. I know that her family tends to neglect her out of hand, which is part of the reason that she was always so clingy with me, so I know that nobody that she cares about really gives enough of a shit to help her. Except me; but she's over 300 miles away and I really, really don't want to be responsible for her anymore.
The truth is that she's acting out to see who cares enough to stop her. That's how she is, she wants somebody to literally take the booze out of her hand and tell her that she has a problem. But neither her family or her friends know that that's what she wants and they're just letting her run wild. So now I feel like it's my responsibility to save her but I live 300 miles away and have a very negative view on responsibility of any kind. And so I'm filled with guilt for not helping her.
Unfortunately my crap ability to control my temper didn't help at all. It really sucked having to wear a combover for 6 months.Headsprouter said:
Oh, haha, I didn't intend the pun on trichotillomania...I don't think that would be very tasteful of me. I used the phrase as a metaphor for the frustrations I felt with this friend of mine.Atomic Spy Crab said:
That's alright. Luckily I have a good sense of humor around people that don't annoy the crap out of me. Did I mention he hits on a girl I like?Headsprouter said:
I wont go into my issues. But im 37 and it feels like im living just to live. I love movies and i would love a kid and a wife. Just life has put me on pause for last 4 years.
That's why I created this thread, so the broken don't have to be broken alone. I'm glad it's brought you a bit of comfort, we're all aching for release, afterall.Sateru said:
It's really interesting to see that I'm not the only person who The Escapist has had a huge impact on. If it weren't for the comfort I received from this place, I would be even less functional than I am now.Barbas said:
I know I can't respond to everyone, but just know that I'm reading all of your posts intently and thoroughly, using great deliberation to empathize with all of you. But this is getting dangerously close to uplifting.
http://s28.postimg.org/hacl5ld3x/images_CAGGPYVL.jpg
Take the guns out of your mouths, Escapists, we're not done yet.
I came into the thread with the intention of being subversive (in a humerous way, I swear) about all being well and complaining about good fortune. With the sincerity and seriousness of people's posts, I've come up somewhat short.
I doff my hat to you all for your courage in the face of adversity and more so for the courage to post it. For whatever it's worth, if any Escapist should ever need someone to talk to, to offer advice, a sounding-board or just to listen, I'm intuitive and attentive and offer my ear without judgement, prejudice or condition.
I doff my hat to you all for your courage in the face of adversity and more so for the courage to post it. For whatever it's worth, if any Escapist should ever need someone to talk to, to offer advice, a sounding-board or just to listen, I'm intuitive and attentive and offer my ear without judgement, prejudice or condition.
Spent time with a woman I rather liked at a birthday party this weekend, there has been some chemistry between us and even most of our friends believed with the utmost confidence that we're into each other, so I was of course hoping to maybe advance things. She truly was fantastic, a self respecting woman (surprisingly decent feminist as well) who's the exact opposite of shallow,the kind you'd call a keeper really.... I instead ended up spending a good hour listening to her describing how she's going to let this one random guy get her drunk and have him rock her world in the parking lot after the party. That was... a fun experience, glad I saw her true colors at least but it still did quite the number on the heart, pretty rough when you know someone well for nearly two years and you experience a monstrous change of character like that.
Of course, with the sick sense of humor the universe has, it couldn't end there. I sat down next to a random girl after that, kinda trying my best to filter out what the fuck just happened with the other one and we just started talking, and surprisingly, we hit it off pretty freaking good!! She's slightly shy, has a deep love for animals and also currently studying to become a veterinarian, we love a lot of similar things too so all was great. Hours passed, we danced, all signs were there, was confident I got someone decent to ask out for coffee aaaaaaand it turns out she just used me as a substitute boyfriend until the real one came to pick her up, hiyo!
So that's that, in hindsight one can make a pretty fantastic horror story of my love life (this weekend occurrence being slightly tame actually), hell its actually tradition now for me to go through a massive heartbreak right before Valentines day, this being year three now with no end in sight. Meh, the harsh lessons learned from it are good at least, although I must admit its getting harder and harder to trust women with every experience although I know its obviously beyond idiotic of me to generalize like that, ugh
Anyway, I sincerely hope for the best for everyone posting here, you guys go through some pretty rough things. May the force be with you all!!!
Of course, with the sick sense of humor the universe has, it couldn't end there. I sat down next to a random girl after that, kinda trying my best to filter out what the fuck just happened with the other one and we just started talking, and surprisingly, we hit it off pretty freaking good!! She's slightly shy, has a deep love for animals and also currently studying to become a veterinarian, we love a lot of similar things too so all was great. Hours passed, we danced, all signs were there, was confident I got someone decent to ask out for coffee aaaaaaand it turns out she just used me as a substitute boyfriend until the real one came to pick her up, hiyo!
So that's that, in hindsight one can make a pretty fantastic horror story of my love life (this weekend occurrence being slightly tame actually), hell its actually tradition now for me to go through a massive heartbreak right before Valentines day, this being year three now with no end in sight. Meh, the harsh lessons learned from it are good at least, although I must admit its getting harder and harder to trust women with every experience although I know its obviously beyond idiotic of me to generalize like that, ugh
Anyway, I sincerely hope for the best for everyone posting here, you guys go through some pretty rough things. May the force be with you all!!!
This makes me realize how much of each other always seems to be hidden. There is so much of myself that I hide from even my close family (those I trust most). And I cant even imagine opening up to someone. I thought I was over it by now, but recent events have shown that the fear of others developed in childhood is still there, just deeper. Sigh.Blitsie said:
And yet, I've come to realize that 90% of people simply dont care enough about you to want to hurt you. It's what's made it easier to deal with people day-to-day, but not any easier to trust. Ugh. It's also why I find it so easy to open up like this; most folks simply don't care enough to try to hurt me with it (and the anonimity. anonymity is bliss in this case).
In any case, here's a jaunty pirate tune for those who want cheering up. A bit murderous, but it will always remind me of AC IV. Best pirate game ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Zs-Zr95aw8
I've just entered another course of study I'm pretty certain will lead to nothing, like I've been doing the last 10 years. That might not sound all that depressing, but it is when you keep making the same mistakes. The only positive is that once I'm done it will either be a success or failure and then I'm resolved not to do another fucking course again. I'll be a postman or streetcleaner, I don't care.
Since the end of November, my mind has had trouble with death/mortality.
I distract it with with video games, videos and TV, but large portions of my days sometimes can be me thinking about death. Some days I wake up and don't want to shower or something like that, just because it gives me time to think to myself, and I know that's what I'll be thinking about the whole time. Worst part is, is that I know that my family has been picking up on it. Hell, my sister actually told me she intended to take me to the doctor willingly or unwillingly, but thought that I seemed better. So it seems I'm better at hiding it, I suppose. Or at least, being with family, distracts me from thinking about it.
The event that seemed to kick it all off was a helicopter crash in Glasgow. I didn't know anyone involved in it (I don't even live in the same city) but for some reason it kicked off something that I'm definitely not out of yet. Particularly annoying as it's come in a year where I think I've achieved quite a bit. Lost a lot of weight. Auditioned for quiz shows and the like (didn't get on any, but still). Have a couple of voluntary jobs that I enjoy. Whenever I'm not thinking about it, I'm the most self-confident I've been in a long time. But that's not a lot of time, unfortunately.
I just desperately want to go back to the way things were before it, when it wasn't this constant thought in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that was a bit rambly but fuck it, it's 3am and I can't be bothered editing it. Felt a bit better to get out, at least.
But before I go, hugs for everyone.
I distract it with with video games, videos and TV, but large portions of my days sometimes can be me thinking about death. Some days I wake up and don't want to shower or something like that, just because it gives me time to think to myself, and I know that's what I'll be thinking about the whole time. Worst part is, is that I know that my family has been picking up on it. Hell, my sister actually told me she intended to take me to the doctor willingly or unwillingly, but thought that I seemed better. So it seems I'm better at hiding it, I suppose. Or at least, being with family, distracts me from thinking about it.
The event that seemed to kick it all off was a helicopter crash in Glasgow. I didn't know anyone involved in it (I don't even live in the same city) but for some reason it kicked off something that I'm definitely not out of yet. Particularly annoying as it's come in a year where I think I've achieved quite a bit. Lost a lot of weight. Auditioned for quiz shows and the like (didn't get on any, but still). Have a couple of voluntary jobs that I enjoy. Whenever I'm not thinking about it, I'm the most self-confident I've been in a long time. But that's not a lot of time, unfortunately.
I just desperately want to go back to the way things were before it, when it wasn't this constant thought in the back of my mind.
Anyway, that was a bit rambly but fuck it, it's 3am and I can't be bothered editing it. Felt a bit better to get out, at least.
But before I go, hugs for everyone.
I find it somewhat comforting seeing all these posts and knowing I'm not alone.
I've actually just recently been diagnosed with depression so I've had a few rough days coming to terms with that.
My story is similar to others I was bullied a lot at school and told I would never make it and I'm not worth anything to anyone. I ended up switching schools which was a big help and I graduated because of it.
However 6 months out of school and dropping my first uni course because I hated/flunked it and I started developing problems again. 4 years and 3 different dropped uni courses later I found myself at rock bottom and I'm now trying to pick up the pieces. The worst part was that after my first uni course I started believing the lies that those bullies told me all those years ago.
During the 4 years of feeling angry, sad, lonely and hopeless I started withdrawing myself from my friends and family and keeping them from what was the real problem. When I was forced to interact in social situations I put on a false face and always showed that I was happy. Luckily I realised the reality of badly I needed help and finally told my parents what was going on. They found out one week ago today so this past week has been interesting to say the least but I know this is only the first step in a long battle. It actually scares me that I was not far from doing something really really stupid.
Fight on escapists.
I've actually just recently been diagnosed with depression so I've had a few rough days coming to terms with that.
My story is similar to others I was bullied a lot at school and told I would never make it and I'm not worth anything to anyone. I ended up switching schools which was a big help and I graduated because of it.
However 6 months out of school and dropping my first uni course because I hated/flunked it and I started developing problems again. 4 years and 3 different dropped uni courses later I found myself at rock bottom and I'm now trying to pick up the pieces. The worst part was that after my first uni course I started believing the lies that those bullies told me all those years ago.
During the 4 years of feeling angry, sad, lonely and hopeless I started withdrawing myself from my friends and family and keeping them from what was the real problem. When I was forced to interact in social situations I put on a false face and always showed that I was happy. Luckily I realised the reality of badly I needed help and finally told my parents what was going on. They found out one week ago today so this past week has been interesting to say the least but I know this is only the first step in a long battle. It actually scares me that I was not far from doing something really really stupid.
Fight on escapists.
My pops died 3 months ago, and I broke up with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago for reasons not entirely related to that, but she was so miserable that it didn't even give me time to deal with the dad thing. Her parting gift was HPV, not particularly horrible as every sexually active person gets it at some point in their life, but it takes about 12-18 months for your body to purge it. I still have 6 months to go before the symptoms stop, so I'm not even sure how to go about dating.
Cheers!
Cheers!
I somtimes think about death too much..then because of that I think about children and weather I want them 0_0Andy Shandy said:
and then somtimes I honestly wonder "whats the point if were all going to be replaced by AI's one day?" its nuts...
you know what the best distraction is? people....
Yeah, maybe it was just that, her being just very nice about it and me taking it completely the wrong way, was already in a pretty down in the dumps mindset by then so that might've been a big reason why. Buuut life goes on, thought about what I said yesterday and though, "you know what, fuck it" I know I can strike gold one day and sitting being bitter about things won't help me achieve that.Caramel Frappe said:
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it!!
No career path is as fun as you'd think, so let that be your comfort. I got stuck in accounting and of course I don't like it, but I realized I wouldn't have liked anything else either. There are definitely times I wish I had the skills you just acquired.lacktheknack said: