Here's an emotional piece of fiction I wrote a few years back when going through a time in my life I'd rather forget. It's fictional, though based around a relationship/friendship mixture that surprisingly...is still going on today. I wrote it after having a horrible, horrible night on the phone around 4 a.m. It kind of doesn't have an ending because, well, it never got resolved...and still hasn't.
Shelfed
?Well, I?d best be going? I said with absolutely no emotion at all. I was slightly surprised by how calm and detached my tone was, but it made sense due to the vast amount of practice I?d had open to me.
?Ya, I guess so? she said, her voice laden with a hybrid of guilt and pity. She knew that I had thrown up a shield around my emotions, but she was too guilty to be upset. I never shielded myself from her, and so in doing it now I made it very clear to her how much she?d hurt me.
?Well, night.? I said almost cheerily. I had wanted to hang up for about thirty minutes, but Jordan had always seen through my tired ruse. She knew that something was bothering me, and although she knew what it was, she wanted to talk about it, to apologize, to try to change my outlook on it, anything that would release her from the twinge of guilt she felt.
Jordan wasn?t satisfied with the conversation, but she knew she wouldn?t be able to get anything more coherent or understanding out of me for tonight. ?Bye? she said, with what she hoped I would take as a pleasant tone, but I heard the resignation in her voice. But she didn?t worry about it too much. She knew she?d have plenty more times to change my mind about the situation, seeing as we talk nearly every night.
Hanging up the phone, I thought about my situation. How up until a few nights ago, I had been planning on leaving OU/TX weekend. How we had planned to spend our time watching house and playing games together while her roommate was away. How we planned to do?other things that friends don?t usually do for each other. I thought about my present situation. Now, I might be able to see her maybe¬ sometime in October, if she had the money?and the time...and didn?t have a prior engagement. She might as well have told me the planets needed to align themselves around the Big Dipper at right angles in order to come see me. I didn?t really expect to see her, as I had told her very plainly tonight. I wouldn?t forget. I might easily forgive and calm my anger, but I would be a damned fool to forget what occurred. I knew my place. Up on a shelf, out of sight, out of mind. Only to be brought out when she felt like it.
Reaching over to turn off my lamp, a sudden pain shot up my right arm, going all the way from the tips of my fingers to my shoulder. As my entire mind had focused on the conversation, my arm had somehow found its way underneath my pillow, and the pressure of my head had restricted blood flow. I found it strange that I didn?t even notice. Sighing, I turned off my lamp and rolled over, pulling the covers tight around me.
As my room was plunged into darkness, my mind also took a darker turn. I allowed my anger to consume me, to push me into a mental rage. Accusations and questions roared through my mind like a raging river during a thunderstorm. I clenched my hands into fists. My fingernails dug into my skin painfully, but it only helped to fuel the rage. My jealousy further fueled the fire. I felt like screaming, yelling out all these thoughts that kept coming into my mind. I wanted to let her know just how much it hurt, to show her how badly she wounded me. Things were getting out of control, and I knew I had to calm down. Taking a few deep breaths, I relaxed my hands, and the throbbing in my skull died down. I had nearly lost it, and that was something I couldn?t afford to do.
My anger diminished into loathing. My loathing diminished into self-pity. And finally, my pity diminished into just a deep sadness. I truly loved her, and regardless of what she had done, I still loved her. I submitted to the fact that when it came to Jordan, it was a roller coaster.
She gave me euphoric highs, and I am thankful to her for that. I?ve learned that when you love someone, and they love you back, living is so much more pleasant. I began to appreciate nature in ways I never imagined. During rainstorms, I would just sit and watch the rain wash over the window looking out into my backyard, taking in the beauty bit by bit. As I watched the rain fall to the ground, it reminded me of how beautiful she looked when she stepped out of the shower, water droplets slowly falling off the bottom of her chin and hair. Her entire body glistened and sparkled like diamonds. When night fell and the moon was bright, I was reminded of nights spent on my driveway with her, with a blanket spread out on the pavement, looking up at the stars. I remembered the eerie way the moonlight played off her raven-colored hair, as if it enjoyed playing with her hair as much as I did. Everything seemed alive and vibrant, and everything made me think of her. Unfortunately, these highs don?t last long, and it has been a long time since I?ve had one.
The lows she gives me now are completely debilitating. After completely shattering my hopes and dreams (which she does often), I just lie in my bed all day, completely broken. I have been no stranger to depression, and I used to often contemplate ending it all. I am a fool for trusting her, for allowing myself to hope that things would go my way. I am a fool for thinking that maybe this time she won?t completely break my heart. I am a fool for believing that she could ever love a fool like me again. I know that she has me whipped to the point that it?s embarrassing, but I?d rather embarrass myself than disappoint her. She acts like nothing is wrong, like she?s completely forgotten that I love her still. She says that she doesn?t take advantage of me, but I know she does. Just like she has for the past four years. She knows that I?ll bend to her will by the end without harboring any grudge against her. That?s how she was able to hurt me this time.
So what if they dated for a year? They broke up when they moved away, and even if they still kind of have feelings for each other, they aren?t together. Yet, when he takes interest in another girl, she comes crying to me, begging me for advice. Me, giving advice to the girl I love about how she can win another guy back. It?s basically like being executed, but instead of having an executioner, you have to sever your head yourself. It?s cruel, excruciatingly painful, and emotionally devastating, but I do it none the less. I?m wrapped around her finger to the point my body?s about to snap. Having her tell me how much she loves Josh is near unbearable, but I can?t let her know that. I have to bear the burden alone; no one else can see my pain. I'm alone on her shelf, only being picked up when she needs something.
