The Funniest Insult You Can Think Of?

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Caimekaze

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Feb 2, 2008
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I told someone to snort some anti-freeze once. He told me to snort some cutting my wrists. Classy.
I wrote a thousand word long insult, once. It would take quite a while to type it out again, but...
You are a what. An it. You have no gender, due to the fact that when the doctor saw you were born, he/she decided to spare the world your procreation and castrated you. Like the half-witted canine you pretend to be in order to give yourself some kind of explanation on your lack of resemblance to a human being.

You make me ashamed to be a human being, to be related to you in even the slightest way. The idea that we somehow have an ancestor in common makes my skin crawl. The fact that you have survived for this long astonishes me, and proves that the concept of "survival of the fittest" no long applies. The mere sight of you would have made Darwin break down and rip up his papers.

What truly astonishes me is the fact that any person can be as bleeding stupid as you are. You fail to see the intelligence in what people say, and instead float along in your own little cloud of delusion. You lack the basic higher functions of human beings, instead relying on what deranged thoughts you can drag out of the mush that is your grey matter. Your parents must have been very free with their money when you were young, and justified their lack of love for your hideous visage by bribing your schools to let you pass, as it is the only plausible way you could have graduated.

You are a senseless, vain, narcissistic, emotionally depraved, slimy, bedraggled, putrescent pile of goop. I'd rather dip my head into the centre of a methane swamp than spend five minutes in your presence. Given the choice between looking at you and eating raw cow intestines, I'd pick the intestines. Plague victims and lepers pity you for your looks, and when I described you to a beautician she fainted in horror. Your face reminds me of a picture called "hello.jpg", also known as the infamous Goatse.

You are the sole source of all the horror stories told to children, the boogie man, the monster in the cupboard, and under the bed. Your presence causes all life around to feel unclean, and plant life to wilt. The animals you so love (and love to "love") are petrified by your very existence, and the ones which you don't bind up in a straight-jacket flee upon merely smelling your putrescent stink.

Your grammar is terrible, as is your spelling, punctuation and other forms of the English language. The fact that you can not even conjugate correctly, and then proceed to chastise and even flame others for their (far superior) grammar continues to astound, as well as confound, me. The only hope for you would be for you to re-enroll in primary school, but that would allow you to indulge in your paedophilic instincts and thus can never be allowed to happen.

You are a waste of life, which could have been put to better use in a parasite. They, at least, only attach to one person, instead of trying dismally to leech any form of intelligence of whoever happens to be nearby. Your sheer stupidity can be likened to a black hole, sucking in all logic, humour and higher reasoning near you and removing it from existence. You don't even benefit from it, as your are so far gone that you can not be saved.

Your attempts at humour are frail and horrid, for every time you attempt to crack what you call a joke one of your precious fox pups dies. This may be a blessing, however, as it saves them from the paedophilic zoophilia that you like to engage with them. I'm sure that if you could find straight-jackets that would fit you'd also make the fox pups wear them, but thankfully the world is safe from at least that horror.

You do not even deserve to be on this website called deviantART. Notice the ART at the end? The scraps you manage to drag forth from the meagre pool of your so called talent are put to shame by the spit-ups of new-borns. I once stepped in a pile of dog crap, and in an attempt I scraped it on the grass to find that it looked somewhat like your Straitfox, but prettier.

After reading your posts, I have come to the conclusion that you must lack the basic ability which humans have to get along with other people. Your tendency to lash out at others for even saying hello is something that would have you killed and burned in the past, but sadly is unlikely to happen to you in modern times. Your delusional idea of your own importance is sad, and would be piteous if not for the fact that not even a saint would find it in their heart to have any form of compassion for your twisted and deranged self. Your hypocritical statements, while they may have caused many a laugh among higher life forms than you, are sad enough to make even a mass-murderer cry. That you believe the fact that you are always right is hilarious in its sadness, as there has only been one point where I have ever seen you to be right, which I stated at the top of this article.

You are the sole source of despair in this world, and all that existed before your birth was merely the harbinger of what was to come with the nightmare that was your being brought forth into this world. The whole planet will join in celebration upon your death, and there will be no more need for war as even the worst of enemies unite in jubilation. I wish you luck in your attempts to successfully integrate with a functioning society, as you will surely need it as you will not be able to with your meagre talents and abilities.

I would recommend your immediate transferral to an insane asylum, but I would not wish to burden the already strained workers in them with your presence, and as such have attempted to tolerate your presence in the world of humanity. Unfortunately, you do not seem to be able to comprehend the favour humanity is doing you by tolerating your existence, and throw it back in its face. Your manners are more suitable to that of a pig, of which I'm sure there is in your heritage.

I shall leave you with that, as I fear that if I tell you much more of the truth you will turn An Hero, and although this would be a blessing to society as a whole I do not wish that on you... yet.

P.S. You are a greedy, obnoxious, senile, masochistic, perverted, piteous, splenetic, spastic, contemptible, meretricious, bilious, noxious, dyslexic, putrescent, obscene, clueless, foul, moulding, illegitimate, belligerent, racist, fascist, sexist, discriminatory (except in who you insult), narrow,byzantine, loathsome, idiotic, flagrant, self-destructive, socially-retarded, malignant, tumourous, mind-numbing, puerile, unethical and generally bad person.
Oh yeah.

Oh, also "Yes, but you enjoy sexual relations with men."
Most effective against straight women or gay men, as it is merely stating the truth.
 

ssgt splatter

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Oct 8, 2008
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I'll admit I stole this from a stand-up comic but...
I could've been your father but the dog beat me over the fence.
 

ShadeOfRed

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Jan 20, 2008
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Alright. Finally, an oppurtunity to post this.

Also, Caimekaze, I am using that DA section of your rant if I find something deserving. Is that okay?
 

Spirultima

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Jul 25, 2008
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Easy.

Response to "Your so thick, i looked up your name in the dictionary and saw a picture of your face in it!"

Response "Well I don't know about you, but I don't have pictures in my dictionary"
 

Kyd Wykkyd

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Apr 20, 2009
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I overheard a conversation that went something like this:
Girl - Hey, you want to go out this weekend?
Boy - Hell no!!
Girl - What?! Why?
Boy - Cause you should have told me you had something. Now my fucking cock is on fire, you fucking diseased goat-dick!!

I busted a fucking gut when I heard this.
 

brainsurgery101

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Oct 11, 2008
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"Look here, you regurgitated c*m bubble, just know that one day I will send you to the deepest depths of hell to lick the sh*t directly from Satan's ASS!!!"

It's a weird varying combination of insults from South Park and Hellsing, but it throws enough people off their guard long enough for me to walk away dramatically.
 

pepsiblue11

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May 13, 2009
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uhh i can't think of shit but i'll try this "stop trying to jump on me im not for sale but try your mom heard she's cheap"

Thought of one a bit racist to mexicans and i don't hate mexicans ok here it is, Why do mexicans marry white people? cause everyone wants atleast one good thing to happen in their life.
 

MrSnugglesworth

Into the Wild Green Snuggle
Jan 15, 2009
3,232
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WheresMyCow said:
That's what your mom said last night
Applicable to just about anything that is said.

For instance:
Wow this is delicious!
That's what your mom said last night
A friend of mine believes this goes with EVERYTHING you say. I walk in "Whats up"
"Thats what your mom said last night"
 

Katherine Kerensky

Why, or Why Not?
Mar 27, 2009
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Had to of been some grafitti I saw written on a table in amsterdam (you were allowed to deface anything in the hotel (except people. I think.) One of my room mates frightened other hotel users... but I leave the topic with this story telling....)

It was : Shut The F*ck Off
(There was also a Drawing of the F You Monster on a table.)
 

Tech Team FTW!

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Apr 1, 2009
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TheWeasel said:
Don't bother looking any further than Shakespeare.

"She is spherical, like a globe. I could find out countries in her."
"Thou cream-faced loon"
And my personal favourite: "Thou smell of mountain goat."
"France is a dog-hole"
Is my personal favourite.
 

ExaltedK9

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Apr 23, 2009
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MaxTheReaper said:
You have intercourse with unwilling sexual partners under the legal age limit.

It's hilarious.
I promise.
What a novel idea! so Max, tell me, when's the court date?
 

CliveMurdoc626

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Apr 1, 2009
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I met a guy at the mall one time who got 100% on Jessica on Guitar Hero 2 set to Expert and he had the audacity (and as you will read, poor judgement)to turn around and start telling me in the most condescending tone you could imagine "Dude this song was cake. Now I could play it for real" Having played a little guitar my self and knowing how hard it is to learn I took this staement personally and longed to force his nose up his urethra and let him drown is his own piss, but I settled for shattering his ego by telling him "Uh DUDE, Just because you Jerk-Off the end of a small, undersized, plastic, molded Ukelele does not make you the next Hendrix. So move out of your parents basment and pick up a REAL six string Mother Fucker!" and he just dropped his jaw as I left before GameStop could give me the 86 for my verbal thrashing.

Looking back, MAYBE I got a little worked up. =P(sorry)

That was the best insult in my recent memory that I came up with but one of my favorite insults I use tword particularly douchey people...

"Give your self a nice Salt-Water Douche because you're officially a ****!"