The Ratings War IV: Paradise City

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000Ronald

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OK, I've gotten a couple of messages from people, and I've gotten to thinking about how this should work.

First off, everyone's character has to have motivation for their actions. You can make a story without it, but it's gonna be pretty flimsy.

Gabriel's motivation goes in this order;

1) Whoever this Mr. King is, he wants something; having been in more than one situation like this, Gabriel knows this something probably isn't anything good. His primary modivation is to find out what Mr. King's endgame is, and, if it's something that could very potentially harm people, he wants to put an end to it.

2) Sam once showed Gabriel a drawing made almost a hundred years ago; it was of a man viewing, from the Jersey shore, N'ammy under the thumb of a man named, "Boss Tweed". Gabriel had a similar feeling; from Shore City, he could see that this Paradise City was forever trampled beneath a giant boot. Gabriel's second motivation is to find the man that boot belongs to and end him.

3) Gabriel has always believed that those who have power, but are unwilling to use it for the benefit of others, are undeserving of that power. This makes his third objective is the simplest; to protect people. This is a constant motivation, and dictates almost everything he does; he won't kill a person if he can help it, he won't fight something if he doesn't need to, he won't even show himself to people if he can help it; he knows that he's big and scary, and he knows that some people think he's going to hurt them.

As a benifit for everyone else, I'm going to put some rules for how Gabriel interacts with other people.

1) Gabriel doesn't actively seek out other people, but will generally speak when spoken to. This is because, contrary to what most people (in universe) think, he does enjoy interaction with other people. He just knows he's big and scary.

2) Gabriel says what he feels he needs to, and nothing more. His sentences tend to be short, quick, and straight to the point. That being said, he isn't stupid; he just doesn't like the sound of his voice.

3) Gabriel is thoughtful, and sometimes distant, but never mean. This means Gabriel can be sarcastic, even snarky, but never genuinely mean.


...so yeah. This. Apologies Abound

EDIT

As another note, I'm not the only person here to interact with. I'm talented, but it would be difficult for me to make a conversation between three or more people without pushing Gabriel to the wayside (which might work, if it were played for laughs. I might do that...)Plus the bartender would have something to say, Tom might be in there somewhere...I might be able to work three people into the same thing, but it would take some work.

That being said, I'm obviously not the only person who thinks this is a good idea (unless you think I'm disingenuous enough to lie about it). Don't just talk to me, talk to each other, too.

Also, just because my motivations were long winded and complex doesn't mean yours have to be. It could be as simple as Girls just want to have fun [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/362.162869-The-Ratings-War-IV-Paradise-City#4223607] if you want. Having a complex motivation is good up to a certain point, but it very quickly gets stupid. Gabriel's motivations were in the short term; he wants to find out what's going on, find out who's doing it and make it stop. That fits perfectly with his overall motivations; he wants to help people, because that's what the good guys do.

Apologies for not making that clear enough (for my taste, at least) in the first post.
 

RagnorakTres

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*shakes Sam's hand*
Good show, sir, good show. Now, I am off to explore the nether regions of whatever religion you choose to believe in. Since I'm, ya know, dead and all.
^_^ Glad to have had the chance yet again. I'm still learning and this is a good place to hone my skills. Thanks guys!
 

wesdabigman

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Figured as much. I suppose that means that I'm never going to get that review I was offered, huh? Well, I'm off too weep inconsolably about my lot in life and step into the Twilight Zone to learn some sort of moral lesson. Either/or.
 

Khedive Rex

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wesdabigman said:
Figured as much. I suppose that means that I'm never going to get that review I was offered, huh? Well, I'm off too weep inconsolably about my lot in life and step into the Twilight Zone to learn some sort of moral lesson. Either/or.
Oh no, you'll get your review. My problem is I have rehearsals five days a week, a job and pushy freinds. These compound to make the amount of time I have to myself rather limited. That being said, I've got nothing to do from now until I go to sleep. As such, I would expect your review in something like an hour. Maybe an hour and a half. After you comes Ragy and, if I have the energy tonight, Sam.

Gods damnit, there will be review this ratings war! I don't care if I have to do them all myself. Written in blood! And tears! By the light of a single dying candle in the cold recesses of a forsaken castle while a storm rages through the windows and starvation growls!

... Or something like that.

For everyone, while we're on the subject of fluff, Percy is always amiable when it comes to fluffy matters. I hesitate to instigate one, or suggest myself highly, merely because I'm as busy as I am and I don't want your character frozen mid sentence waiting for my lazy-ass to remember him; but if you don't mind the risk I don't mind the company. I put myself on the table. I'm an option.

And I will post a rationale and character breakdown later. Right now I'm mid dash to the review-mobile and don't really want to lose my train of thought.
 

Khedive Rex

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Double post. I am ashamed.

Alright, first off I?m going to get my most petty note out of the way. Paragraph format. You should consider putting an extra blank line between paragraphs, it breaks the piece into nice bite sized chunks and makes it seem a little less imposing to the casual reader. It also provides obvious places to pause and take a breath in the story, which are useful for manipulating pacing and dramatic climax. The style your shooting for is arguably more professional and provides a stronger appearance when done right; but you would want to tab the beginning of each new paragraph and I don?t believe this forum supports tabs (or if it does I?ve never gotten it to work right). The style you have now just makes it look like a wall, which both makes people less likely to read it casually and more likely to read it faster, absorbing less of the story. This is because without the natural pause of a blank line, the human mind interprets it as a continuous monologue spoken in basically one breath. Sad but true. Anyway, That?s all I?ll say about format.

One of the suggestions I have for you is a suggestion that I?ve given to a lot of writers in RW; always make sure to use all five senses. Readers want to know how everything looks, sounds, smells, tastes and feels. It?s tempting, when writing a fight, to just choreograph movements. But it?s usually a mistake. Knowing how things feel, smell etcetera gets the reader into the mind of the character, which obviously makes them care about the character more which, in turn, makes the fight more dramatic. You do this at the beginning but towards the middle it starts to fade into fight choreography.

Being very specific about what the characters are perceiving makes their circumstances feel more real to the reader. For example, you tell us on one occasion that White?s legs are jiggling beneath him. That establishes that he?s old, admittedly, but without utilizing the senses. If you?d told us that White could feel the bones in his knee grinding patiently against each other as he dropped another foot to the cold pavement below; suddenly the concept that he?s old really hits home because we?re able to feel what he feels. In my experience the more personal the sense, the stronger the imagery. Taste and scent tend to be the most personal, followed by feeling and then hearing with sight coming in last. You rely primarily on what can be viewed by bystanders to the fight in this piece and as such you miss out on a lot of the personal sensations each character would have.

I had trouble picturing the scene where they were fighting; in my mind everything was kind of grey. You want to make it a point to describe everything in color, texture, scent, etcetera so the reader can imagine it vividly. There is no detail unimportant enough that we don?t want to hear about it, and everything you tell us helps us to establish the universe. What did the holy rays look like? What color was the sign Percy deflected? What kind of pedestrians were wandering the street that night? What kind of a night was it? What time of day was it? All of these things, while not imperative to the choreography of the fight, make the reader feel warm fuzzy and engrossed in the story.

Off the subject of imagery, I would suggest that you be careful about varied word choice. There are a few occasions where you use the same word to describe the same thing in adjacent sentences. Sentences like ?Another rock flew from the mass of people and flew over his head? and ?White forced his fist into the air as the whiteness spread through the air.? Are to be avoided. Its not a huge problem with you but it?s something to watch, so I bring it up.

Next would be dramatic pacing. You and I have opposite problems. I expound endlessly on every little discovery and every new action and before long the reader just wants the scene to move forward already. You move the scene forward with every sentence you make. Each sentence you write accomplishes something and you don?t repeat yourself. As such your story moves very quickly and, unfortunately, a lot of the drama gets lost in the hustle. It wasn?t until the third time I read your story that I realized White snapped his spine on the fall, and the first time I read it I thought he was floating in the scene where he kills Percy. It wasn?t until I forced myself to read through it very slowly that I caught most of the (quite exceptional) details you wrote in. It added a lot to the story, but the casual reader wouldn?t pick them up.

My advice would be, whenever something crucial has happened in the course of the story that you really want your audience to remember, take a sentence or two just to describe it in finer detail. Speculate on what it means for the fight, examine your character?s psychological reaction to it, tell us exactly what shade of blue it is, whatever really. Assume that the reader only absorbs every other sentence and write it so they can?t avoid picking up the detail your trying to convey. It slows the story down a bit (which isn?t a bad thing in your case) and it also provides more opportunities to make use of imagery and metaphor and stuff like that.

As far as dramatic climax goes, it?s a slow build at the beginning but it?s where it ought to be. The death of Percy seems important and like the focal point of the piece which is what I assume you were going for. The falling motion is over fast (just White flipping out about what might be possessing him) but that?s not necessarily a bad thing. I would have like to see a little more exposition and maybe some after the fight news but, then again I?m me. I never get tired of exposition. You did a nice job flipping the advantage during the course of the fight, there were quite a few near deaths to both White and Percy. Hard to complain in this category, you did an excellent job.

I always hate to review story because I feel like I?m judging someone?s creativity and its unfair of me to do so without seeing the piece through their eyes, how they intended it. So, I?ll keep this section short. The fight was just a plain fight, there wasn?t a whole lot of intrigue to it and not that many loops to jump through. Not a bad thing, your writing style is very straightforward and that?s an asset if used correctly. I would have liked to see a little more weirdness but, meh. I love White, he?s fantastic. I really don?t want to see him go; I will honestly say that right now I think he had higher potential for wacky/well intentioned fun than Percy has. I haven?t seen the combination of physical degradation paired with psychic badassery in RW and you pulled it off quite cleverly with a character who was simply charming. It?s a good mix and it has a lot of potential. I fully plan to use it myself in RP?s now that I see how it?s done and that it can be done so well.

That?s pretty much all I can think of. I liked the story a lot? Ah, I always feel like a dick when I get done with these because I spend like three pages pointing out all the shortcomings of a piece. I hope you don?t get the impression I didn?t like it, because it was really quite good. I just know from experience that the reviews that only say ?I liked it, the scene where this that and the other happened was really cool, good job.? Don?t help much and don?t give you an impression of how to improve and don?t tell you what your strengths are so you know how to play to them. So, I always try to write the most thorough reviews possible and I always feel a little dirty afterwards. Eh, if it helps though it?s worth it. Besides, I know how disappointing it is to receive no feedback on a piece. At the very least I can tell you in these that you did a very good job and I look forward to seeing you in the next RW. And that White was Epic. Seriously. You should like, resurrect him or something.
 

Sam G

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Wow, well that was unexpected. I mean, I'd already written out my "congratulations" speech for Ragnorak, and was about halfway through recording a song I'd written called "Shine On You Ninja Monkey", with backing vocals by N-Sync...

Um, thanks anyway! It's always nice to win things!
 

The Sorrow

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Okay, from what I can tell, there remain five who haven't fought (Rogueshadows, Jarsteen, Krunk, Emu, and Shanks).
Should I have one one-on-one and one three-way clusterfuck, or how should I do this?
I'm honestly not sure.
 

Higurashi

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Jan 23, 2008
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First, I would contact them to see if they are all still in. If they are, I would have to make it that way, yeah. Otherwise someone would have to fight more or less battles than anyone else, and that'd be unfair. A large and varying arena for the threesome could make it easier on the writers.
 

Crowghast

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Perhaps we could hold a last-minute audition? It'd be pretty simple. If we let the first four fight, that gives us ample time to find a new applicant, allow them time to prepare, read-up on the history of the game, converse with the enemy, so-on and so-forth... and then at the end of the first four's fight: We send the final two.

Same rules apply, same deadline, same hopes and dreams to be shattered.

Yes?
 

The Sorrow

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Crowghast said:
Perhaps we could hold a last-minute audition? It'd be pretty simple. If we let the first four fight, that gives us ample time to find a new applicant, allow them time to prepare, read-up on the history of the game, converse with the enemy, so-on and so-forth... and then at the end of the first four's fight: We send the final two.

Same rules apply, same deadline, same hopes and dreams to be shattered.

Yes?
Hrrrm...lemme take a census of the five and see if they're still in. If they all are, the final audition idea will work.
Good thinking, judgebot!
 

Crowghast

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The Sorrow said:
Hrrrm...lemme take a census of the five and see if they're still in. If they all are, the final audition idea will work.
Good thinking, judgebot!
NO THANKS ARE NECESSARY. THIS JUDGE UNIT HAS BEEN GLAD TO GIVE AID.

THINK MODE: DEACTIVATED.

Anyway, got to hand it to you Sorrow, the Ratings War appears to be the longest running role-play i've seen in any thread, or for that matter, any forum. Not only is it an achievement in duration, but also it's organization. This has gone more smoothly than any RP I can remember. A toast to the future of the Ratings War, best RP in the land.

Many props. It's been a pleasure.
 

The Sorrow

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Bad news: The Sorrow has lost a brutal clash with a hardwood floor and got a broken arm.
I can't type; this is from my phone. Unless someone would like to step in, this tourney is stalled for the time being.
 

Lord Krunk

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Mar 3, 2008
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I shouldn't step in because I'm a competitor. However, I am of two minds to ask Ultrajoe to take over for the time being...

Have Shanks or Emu replied yet? If not, I think we should get a three-way underway.

You guys okay? Wanna see if UJ is up to it?
 

Higurashi

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Lord Krunk said:
I shouldn't step in because I'm a competitor. However, I am of two minds to ask Ultrajoe to take over for the time being...

Have Shanks or Emu replied yet? If not, I think we should get a three-way underway.

You guys okay? Wanna see if UJ is up to it?
I sent a PM to The Sorrow yesterday about me stepping in for him, but I haven't gotten a reply.
 

Zemalac

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Apr 22, 2008
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Higurashi said:
Lord Krunk said:
I shouldn't step in because I'm a competitor. However, I am of two minds to ask Ultrajoe to take over for the time being...

Have Shanks or Emu replied yet? If not, I think we should get a three-way underway.

You guys okay? Wanna see if UJ is up to it?
I sent a PM to The Sorrow yesterday about me stepping in for him, but I haven't gotten a reply.
Sorrow's arm is broken, remember? He can't type.

I don't know about Emu, but Shanks has been absentee for a while now. At least since January, because that was the last turn in our Diplomacy game. We've been waiting on him since then--no messages, nothing. Dunno what happened with him, but it might be a long wait for him to respond.
 

Higurashi

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Zemalac said:
Sorrow's arm is broken, remember? He can't type.
*rubs temples*
I don't need to remember since it's up there, but obviously he can to some degree, as you can see with your own eyes. It seems obvious to me that he means he couldn't type up another match, as that entails much more text. As much as I could step in, I wouldn't do that without him accepting it first. I'm sure you can understand that.
 

Zemalac

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Apr 22, 2008
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Higurashi said:
Zemalac said:
Sorrow's arm is broken, remember? He can't type.
*rubs temples*
I don't need to remember since it's up there, but obviously he can to some degree, as you can see with your own eyes. It seems obvious to me that he means he couldn't type up another match, as that entails much more text. As much as I could step in, I wouldn't do that without him accepting it first. I'm sure you can understand that.
Right, sorry. What I meant was that, after posting that bit to let us know he won't be around, he might be unwilling or unable to write anything else until he's off painkillers or whatever.

I completely understand you wanting his go-ahead first, though. Sorry if I sounded sort of condescending.