The weirdest thing you have ever written
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When I was younger I wrote a short essay on how I would improve my life on the use of potatoes. On myspace. However, thanks to the wonders of the internet this has been retrieved. I make no apologies for spelling, grammar, syntax, style or it being a bit shit.
If you had to base your lifestyle around potatoes, which five ways would you try to make it interesting foryourself? Please refer to potatoes in your answer.
Well if I had to base my lifestyle around potatoes i would most likely go insane and eat my leg in an attempt to get my fill of meat. I often crave bacon at 11am, especially after an exam, therefore in no way would survive on potatoes. However after losing my sanity and eating my available limbs i would do the following 5 things: 1) I would find the recipies to everything that can be made of potatoes. If i had no variety i would vary it probably more than my usual diet anyway. Breakfast, mash! Much easier to digest than toast in the first few hours of the day, stomach does nothing and doesnt complain by threatening to be sick all the way to school. Liver complains but gets ignored on the grounds that its a whiney smeg. I think this would be very beneficial to my diet and wellbeing and is therefore an advantage to basing my lifestyle around potatoes. 2) I would find a way to integrate potatoes into a form of exercise. THis would also be beneficial as i do none
at the moment anyway. Playing golf with potatoes would be amusing, however as they have a habit of exploding on impact with the golf club this would be very messy and to no avail. I think that it would be very funny when drunk however, and therefore will try it inbetween whiskey mac and auld lang syne on new years eve. For the benefit of those who do not know what whiskey mac is i will explain. It is not a song like its counterpart but a drink made by mixing strong whiskey with green ginger wine. As you can imagine it is very powerful and gets you drunk really really well without realizing it. Therefore rather than golf clubs i would probably end up using my banjo to hit it anyway. Other sports that potatoes could be used in are rugby, football and swiming. 3) With a now potato obsessed lifestyle it is very difficult to pull women, therefore i would have to find some ingenious way of using a potato for that purpose, however i will leave you to speculate on that point, after
all it is much funnier if you can fully build it up in your imagination. 4) Deep into insanity i would macgyver myself some limbs out of potatoes after eating my own in my first stages of insanity in order to prevent my bacon cravings. They would be superior to my old limbs as they would be vegetable therefore if i were to be attacked by a group of velociraptors they would leave me alone due to their carniverousness and my vegetable anatomy. And finally 5) I would cause great embarrasment and pain to the markers and examiners of the ocr english GCSE exam. Mash would provide an embarrasing splodge when done in public infront of school children which would scar them emotionally and no psycologist would be able to help them as they are not taught how to handle people who have been severely embarrased by having potato products launched at them in public. However i would most likely choose to catapult raw potatoes at their faces to cause great pain. For those of you who do not kn
ow of my aversion to english exams read my three part rant on the pillowfish myspace account. These are the five ways i would make my life interesting if it were based around potatoes. I believe they are very effective in that they are both interesting and potato based, therefore i have been successful in my analysis of a potato based lifestyle. If i were to start again and improve it i would keep myself sane somehow by making potatoes look like bacon, thus keeping my sanity and original limbs until eventually falling prey to a velociraptor.
Well if I had to base my lifestyle around potatoes i would most likely go insane and eat my leg in an attempt to get my fill of meat. I often crave bacon at 11am, especially after an exam, therefore in no way would survive on potatoes. However after losing my sanity and eating my available limbs i would do the following 5 things: 1) I would find the recipies to everything that can be made of potatoes. If i had no variety i would vary it probably more than my usual diet anyway. Breakfast, mash! Much easier to digest than toast in the first few hours of the day, stomach does nothing and doesnt complain by threatening to be sick all the way to school. Liver complains but gets ignored on the grounds that its a whiney smeg. I think this would be very beneficial to my diet and wellbeing and is therefore an advantage to basing my lifestyle around potatoes. 2) I would find a way to integrate potatoes into a form of exercise. THis would also be beneficial as i do none
at the moment anyway. Playing golf with potatoes would be amusing, however as they have a habit of exploding on impact with the golf club this would be very messy and to no avail. I think that it would be very funny when drunk however, and therefore will try it inbetween whiskey mac and auld lang syne on new years eve. For the benefit of those who do not know what whiskey mac is i will explain. It is not a song like its counterpart but a drink made by mixing strong whiskey with green ginger wine. As you can imagine it is very powerful and gets you drunk really really well without realizing it. Therefore rather than golf clubs i would probably end up using my banjo to hit it anyway. Other sports that potatoes could be used in are rugby, football and swiming. 3) With a now potato obsessed lifestyle it is very difficult to pull women, therefore i would have to find some ingenious way of using a potato for that purpose, however i will leave you to speculate on that point, after
all it is much funnier if you can fully build it up in your imagination. 4) Deep into insanity i would macgyver myself some limbs out of potatoes after eating my own in my first stages of insanity in order to prevent my bacon cravings. They would be superior to my old limbs as they would be vegetable therefore if i were to be attacked by a group of velociraptors they would leave me alone due to their carniverousness and my vegetable anatomy. And finally 5) I would cause great embarrasment and pain to the markers and examiners of the ocr english GCSE exam. Mash would provide an embarrasing splodge when done in public infront of school children which would scar them emotionally and no psycologist would be able to help them as they are not taught how to handle people who have been severely embarrased by having potato products launched at them in public. However i would most likely choose to catapult raw potatoes at their faces to cause great pain. For those of you who do not kn
ow of my aversion to english exams read my three part rant on the pillowfish myspace account. These are the five ways i would make my life interesting if it were based around potatoes. I believe they are very effective in that they are both interesting and potato based, therefore i have been successful in my analysis of a potato based lifestyle. If i were to start again and improve it i would keep myself sane somehow by making potatoes look like bacon, thus keeping my sanity and original limbs until eventually falling prey to a velociraptor.
I just gonna put this in a spoiler
also the weirdest story looking back was back in 2nd grade where we had to make up a planet that we live on and I made my planet be a ordinary planet but with Kool-Aid center with a million(big number back then) bucks just practically everywhere on the planet but then again it was 2nd grade I had to use my imagination compared to now where it's "Write about some boring crap nobody likes and I'll grade you on it."
I once wrote a BBW erotica for it seems to be no reason accept I guess for spanking material and to post it on a BBW site
It's currently not finished for whatever reason, maybe because I looked back at it and said "WTF did I just Type?!"
It's currently not finished for whatever reason, maybe because I looked back at it and said "WTF did I just Type?!"
also the weirdest story looking back was back in 2nd grade where we had to make up a planet that we live on and I made my planet be a ordinary planet but with Kool-Aid center with a million(big number back then) bucks just practically everywhere on the planet but then again it was 2nd grade I had to use my imagination compared to now where it's "Write about some boring crap nobody likes and I'll grade you on it."
If it weren't for my horse, I never would've spent that year in college.
Saying any more would really ruin the joke, but I'm afraid it would be misconstrued as an off-topic comment if I didn't add this.
When I was in catholic middle school i wrote a short story about a succubus and a boy that got sucked into a different realm, it was disturbingly sensual. What the fuck was i thinking?
In middle school I wrote a short story about two men on an adventure to find the girl of one's dreams and a decent cheeseburger. Since I was in middle school I replaced all the swear words with random words, such as for example "What the Forgone?" for "What the fuck?"
My college English class required us to write two compositions based on topics they provided. The first topic was "something I had as a child that I could not have lived without." I was offended by stupid topic and let them know by writing about a coconut that had been carved like a face with shell teeth and eyes. It included this sentence:
When people ask me about my first homosexual experience, I tell them about the time I woke up with that coconut head in my bed.
When people ask me about my first homosexual experience, I tell them about the time I woke up with that coconut head in my bed.
Well, when I'm bored I comment a whole bunch of strange things on facebook (I posted erotic quotes on a group somebody I didn't know invited me to), but I've actually done it here on the Escapist too. Don't know if anyone remembers it, but I wasn't quite sober, and I posted a thread about "teh stuffs and speas" if I remember correctly.
We had to write an essay on what the future may hold, so I wrote about Soylent green being the most realistic portrayal of the future of any story ever.
Ok. Mine's not anywhere near as weird as some of the stuff you guys have written.
Ok. Mine's not anywhere near as weird as some of the stuff you guys have written.
I recently wrote a short story for English class set within a haunted text adventure in which the AI has become self-aware and taunts the player and, well here is an excerpt...
And that's pretty much the end, I was tempted to make the last line you were eaten by a Grue but decided against it.
And it is actually written like that with the >'s an' all for the most part...
Edit: Possibly in my S3 standard Grade English exam when I wrote a short story about a man trying to kill himself in a motel but being interrupted by a maid, a whore and a traveling salesman before finally shooting himself in the head.
>You know what they say.
>Always go out on a song.
>
>Do not forsake me oh my darling.
>On this our wedding day.
The water has risen to your knees.
>Do not forsake me oh my darling.
>wait; wait alone.
>I do not know what fate awaits me
>I only know I must be brave
>For I must face a man who hates me
The water closes over your head.
>Or lie a coward, A craven coward.
You take one, final breath.
>Or lie a craven coward in my grave
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Program Terminated]
>
>
>
>
>Always go out on a song.
>
>Do not forsake me oh my darling.
>On this our wedding day.
The water has risen to your knees.
>Do not forsake me oh my darling.
>wait; wait alone.
>I do not know what fate awaits me
>I only know I must be brave
>For I must face a man who hates me
The water closes over your head.
>Or lie a coward, A craven coward.
You take one, final breath.
>Or lie a craven coward in my grave
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Program Terminated]
>
>
>
>
And that's pretty much the end, I was tempted to make the last line you were eaten by a Grue but decided against it.
And it is actually written like that with the >'s an' all for the most part...
Edit: Possibly in my S3 standard Grade English exam when I wrote a short story about a man trying to kill himself in a motel but being interrupted by a maid, a whore and a traveling salesman before finally shooting himself in the head.
I think everyones just learned to accept i make utterly no sense and everything i say is pretty damned weird or nonsensical but if i had to pick....i guess there's the fact that one of my theories about the reason why MLP exists is because it's actually linked to the Berserk universe and that this will be featured in the later episodes:
Ok, more specifically my theory was that the reason the My little pony universe was actually pretty good (Admittedly bad stuff happens but..it's rarely ever utterly terrible and irreversible) is because all of the negative and evil energies from the pony universe were forcibly removed and filtered out elsewhere to an alternate blank dimension. These negative energies eventually ended up creating the Berserk Universe and are why it's so terrible a place to live.So yeah, my belief was eventually those barriers were going to start breaking down and unleash it's cast, it's susumu hirasawa soundtrack and every shred of nightmare fuel it has onto the ponies...
On the one hand seeing the berserk universe go and wreck shit up in a happier world is..a bit of a horrifying prospect. On the other hand, if the resulting apocolypse happens to the theme of Susumu Hirasawa songs (Such as Forces, Sign and Aria) i'll likely have an eargasm.
Ok, more specifically my theory was that the reason the My little pony universe was actually pretty good (Admittedly bad stuff happens but..it's rarely ever utterly terrible and irreversible) is because all of the negative and evil energies from the pony universe were forcibly removed and filtered out elsewhere to an alternate blank dimension. These negative energies eventually ended up creating the Berserk Universe and are why it's so terrible a place to live.So yeah, my belief was eventually those barriers were going to start breaking down and unleash it's cast, it's susumu hirasawa soundtrack and every shred of nightmare fuel it has onto the ponies...
On the one hand seeing the berserk universe go and wreck shit up in a happier world is..a bit of a horrifying prospect. On the other hand, if the resulting apocolypse happens to the theme of Susumu Hirasawa songs (Such as Forces, Sign and Aria) i'll likely have an eargasm.
I think the conspiracy theory about pigeons that I wrote in university is probably the most out there thing. But then again, I have written a lot of weird shit in my time. I mean, I'd like to think of myself as a writer, but most of my longer work is sensible. Not like the ideas I had as a teenager. Like I created a character once - a ghost... who didn't beleive in ghosts.
And of course there are the Atomic Shrimps...
And of course there are the Atomic Shrimps...
Well there was that time when I tried to write a Brutal Death Metal text...
Sentenced to Coprophilia
Sexually active since age fifteen
All kinds of deviant stuff I?ve done and seen
I?ve become desensitized to hardcore
I rarely get a hard on
Amputee midget rape
My basement is full with videotapes
Perversion, I?m an aversion of society
I look upon softcore with enmity
Masturbating while watching a German 70 year old grandma get fisted
Blink and you?ve missed it
Anal prolapse
To the discomfort she adapts
I know what must be done
Nothing can satisfy me anymore
The clock ticks it?s one
I?ll be done by four
School?s out
Look at that girl I can?t wait to stick my dick in her mouth
She?s barely 8 years old
To my desires her pelvis will fold
Take her in my car
My home isn?t very far
Already my heart is beating with excitement
I put her in confinement
Starve her for three days like Jesus in the desert
I walk into the basement, tell her I?m carrying food
She?s been waiting for so long we?re skipping straight to dessert
The sight of my feces renders her mute
Forcefully stuff it down her throat
Piss in her mouth the mixture is delightful
On her now brown body I blow my load
I lick it all off, it?s a mouthful
I?m turned on again
Now smash her head
Eat her brain
Make a necklace out of her veins
Film it all
Post it on the internet
On her facebook wall
With her parents I?ve already met
I fuck her disembodied pussy in front of them
They cry at my defilement
I?ll give them some more
But for now I just revel in the gore.
Sexually active since age fifteen
All kinds of deviant stuff I?ve done and seen
I?ve become desensitized to hardcore
I rarely get a hard on
Amputee midget rape
My basement is full with videotapes
Perversion, I?m an aversion of society
I look upon softcore with enmity
Masturbating while watching a German 70 year old grandma get fisted
Blink and you?ve missed it
Anal prolapse
To the discomfort she adapts
I know what must be done
Nothing can satisfy me anymore
The clock ticks it?s one
I?ll be done by four
School?s out
Look at that girl I can?t wait to stick my dick in her mouth
She?s barely 8 years old
To my desires her pelvis will fold
Take her in my car
My home isn?t very far
Already my heart is beating with excitement
I put her in confinement
Starve her for three days like Jesus in the desert
I walk into the basement, tell her I?m carrying food
She?s been waiting for so long we?re skipping straight to dessert
The sight of my feces renders her mute
Forcefully stuff it down her throat
Piss in her mouth the mixture is delightful
On her now brown body I blow my load
I lick it all off, it?s a mouthful
I?m turned on again
Now smash her head
Eat her brain
Make a necklace out of her veins
Film it all
Post it on the internet
On her facebook wall
With her parents I?ve already met
I fuck her disembodied pussy in front of them
They cry at my defilement
I?ll give them some more
But for now I just revel in the gore.