Things Games Have Taught You.

[Jobz]

Things I learned while playing Halo:

1. Never hit my friends. Especially with rockets.
2. Share everything. Especially plasma grenades. Especially with the enemy.
3. Never take things that don't belong to me. This applies to: the enemy flag, Our team's flag, any guns and ammo that can give someone a one-shot kill, any gun my teammate wanted before me, the energy sword, the bomb, the skull, and most especially the only banshee on the map.
4. Always be aware of my surroundings. Specifically, the immediate surroundings that include an enemy tank, a rocket, an enemy with my team's flag, or an enemy with cloaking and a gravity hammer.
5. Look both ways before crossing the street. Mainly because three of my teammates have

Lmao, I didn't quote the whole thing because it's too long, but this reminded me of something else called "213 Things You Can't Do In The Army." http://www.bored.com/jokes/0191408.html it's a bit long but it's hilarious.

The three main things games have taught me are this:

1. I do not actually have to pick things up to use them, only step on them or allow them to fall on my head.

2. Regardless of how injured I am, or how many bullet/blade wounds I currently have, picking up a small, pocket sized first aid kit or simply hiding behind a wall will bring me back to health in no time.

3. Locked wooden doors are the strongest, most durable, most indestructable things on the planet, unless of course it's your enemies trying to get through it, it likes them better.

 

[TheBadass]

Dual wielding pistols is not only practical, but a great way to make me feel unbelievably awesome in the middle of a gun fight. Normally all the, you know, bullets flying around me might put a damper on my feeling cool, but video games gave me a solution.

 

[triggahappyhaza]

Never Pet Zombies.
shop owners will buy whatever the hell i have.

 

[Medic Heavy]

If u run into a gigantic monster run up and hit it then run away then repeat pattern until dead.

 

[DarthNader26]

Helmets are easily penetrated by any caliber of bullet. However, the addition of a gas mask makes a helmet nearly impenetrable, and it will easily deflect sniper rounds. (Black)
The size of your armor doesn't matter, even in medieval settings. Ridiculously over sized armor is easy to move around in and allows for the wearer to run unimpeded. (Gears of War, Fable)
All incredibly large animals have big, flourecent weak spots (Probably why dinosaurs went extinct; also known as the Lost Planet syndrome).
No matter how immense something is, human sized swords/bullets will eventually kill it. (Any Boss Battle)
It is possible to be eaten by a large creature and survive, running around inside of it hacking away at nerves until you are eventually excreted. (Plenty of games)
Crowbars are an effective anti-alien/zombie/police/soldier/alien regime/etc weapon. (Half-Life 2)
The rival team always has very low intelligence and communicates entirely through 1337 sp3@k. Unless, of course, you join the server. Then everyone on the other team speaks in quaint British accents and has the coordination and effectiveness of a squad of SEALS/SAS soldiers while your entire team is off by themselves failing to be awesome. (Counter Strike, Halo, WoW, etc.)
White boxes with red crosses can fix any injury, no matter how grave. (Any pre-Halo 2 FPS)
It is easy for cooperations to get funding for potentially world-destroying projects no matter how many times they kill all of their employees (Resident Evil)
Safty regulations are for sissies. (Resident Evil)
There is nothing more satisfying than punching your opponent in the gut, grabbing his entrails, then forcibly ripping them out. (Dead Rising)

 

[Veekter]

ramming into a wall, in a vehicle or on foot, has little to no consequences, yet barely touching the side of a spike can kill you faster than a rocket to the face.

 

[Clampdown79]

Shooting a locked wooden door with a bazooka will have no effect on it.

Your "squad" is (for the most part) annoying and useless.

That double barreled shotguns and chainsaws are conviently placed in Mars spacestations.

 

[JMeganSnow]

Enemies will only chase you so far, and when you show up again they always seem surprised.

Monsters will growl at you threateningly for a few seconds before they charge.

An enemy with one hit point left does just as much damage as one at full health.

The primary purpose of area effect spells is to kill things that are *just* off the screen.

Feeblemind is the best way to take out a dragon. (Baldur's Gate II)

If the light sources occupy a weapon slot, they aren't really necessary.

Even if you are playing the evilest bastard who ever lived, it is still necessary for you to save the world.

It is generally better to have many attacks than to do lots of damage with a single attack.

It is better to ignore damage than to have a low chance of being hit. It is better to have *no* chance of being hit than to ignore damage.

The stuff that was cool early on will turn out to be useless later on. The stuff that initially seemed useless will probably turn out later to be your only hope for survival.

Allies are incredibly stupid regardless of how much you micromanage them.

While you are managing your allies, you suddenly become incredibly stupid yourself.

 

[Kraj]

I agree to several of the previously stated observations, but i have come to realize there is a magical material in video games that is know only as "the magical video game material." Its the same thing that those un-openable doors are made of, what some cars or even the simplest of items are made of making them seemingly indestructible. It is even sum times completely invisible yet impassable, bringing us the dreaded "invisible wall." The first thing that made me realize this was the "zombie proof automatic sliding door." I was playing dead rising and i was in that plaza that has the hardware store with the large chainsaw and i was almost dead. So, running for my life for safety with zombies all around me, i stumbled into the fitness place with the automatic door. It took me second to realize my mistake, because it was an automatic door, but to my suprise, it closed right in the zombies faces! So this door could only be made out of the fabled "magical video game material." I thank you for reading through my rant and hope you find the realization of the godlike alloy.

i bring you the word for the magical material you speak... this word has been with myself and my close companions for generations, but we shall share it at last...
the words is...
UNOBTANIUM!!!

 

[hiandhappy]

remember to not get shot.

 

[Wadders]

If you shoot at someone with a shotgun from more than 4 meters away, then you may as well be using a pea-shooter. (A lot of FPS, CoD4 especially)

 

[TheGreenManalishi]

when in doubt, plasma beam.

 

[Arntor]

Fully-functional sentry guns can build themselves in 10 seconds by merely putting a toolbox and the blueprints on the ground.

 

[Archemetis]

Jumping down sewer pipes will almost certainly lead to the mushroom kingdom. (Mario)

When the Princess isn't in another castle, the reward for finding her there will be.(Mario)
(or at least it's safe to assume that)

Human technology and AI systems are compatible with technology on an ominous ring shaped planet in the middle of space. (Halo)

Wrestling games is about as real as Wrestling will ever get... (any wrestling game)

Chatting with a garden gnome can drastically improve your life or your financial standings. (The Sims 2 on PS2)

Going to hades isn't for eternity provided you're the protagonist. (God of War)

Fighting in a fish suit is really damn funny (God of War 2)

"You must construct additional pylons" (Starcraft)

Neglecting a dog for two years will never kill it. (Nintendogs)

Boats can jump. (LoZhantom Hourglass)

Even Grown men would rather play with the box. (MGS)

Machines make animal/dinosaur noises. (MGS)

POS (Procure On Site) means you'll end up with every item you'll ever find necessary eventually. (MGS)

Back in the era of the samurai there were black samaurais with afros. (Way of the Samurai 2, i think) (even though in the day of the samurai, foreigners were beheaded on the spot without reason)

The Hero of Time will always be some blonde kid wearing a green skirt and funny hat. (LoZ)

and lastly,

Fairies are really fucking annoying (LoZ)

[quick edit]

When a spaceship is out of the question, building blocks are always a perfectly acceptable solution. (Kingdom Hearts)

 

[TaborMallory]

Xbox Live has taught me the human race has no hope whatsoever.

Hear, hear.

 

[poleboy]

Basically this: Don't trust the robot.

 

[Enskie]

1) Tank beats everything! - Halo 3
2) Developers do not hide easter eggs on the top of bridges - GTA: San Andreas
3) Androids can catch colds - Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith
4) Dead wolves often carry diamond rings - Oblivion
4) If they aren't white, and sometimes even if they are, shoot on sight - Army Of Two
5) There is no cake - Portal
6) Despite their throat now possessing an extra hole, many people will initiate a drawn-out conversation - Assassin's Creed
7) Assassin's can tell the difference between people's blood - Assassin's Creed
8) The Mongolians used rocket launchers to besiege Jerusalem - Medieval Total War II
9) A wooden door is breakable by a fire-axe, but not a sledgehammer - Condemned: Criminal Origins
10) It is completely possible for a Ute (pickup truck for you Americans) to execute a double barrel roll over a 50 foot cliff, hit the ground below and survive with suspension intact - Burnout: Paradise

 

[DanOBrien]

always cut the blue wire

 

[The_Deleted]

Button mashers will always beat you.
The more hype for a game the more you'll be disappointed.
The longer you wait, the shitter it will be.
HALO ain't all that.

 

[Enskie]

If you shoot at someone with a shotgun from more than 4 meters away, then you may as well be using a pea-shooter. (A lot of FPS, CoD4 especially)

Not true for COD4, there's always the ultimate shotgun of doom, you know the one. You often see kids getting headshots with them...from across the fucking map!