Things you dont say or do at a funeral

[sanguinator]

DO NOT pop out of a giant stripper cake wearing nothing but nipple tassles and a tiara. Especially at your OWN funeral. That shit gets awkward very fast. Trust me.

how do you do that at your own funeral?

 

[Shock and Awe]

Call out bullshit when people talk about the deceased.

Example:

Mourner: " He was so kind!"
You: "Like Hell he was!"

 

[The Salty Vulcan]

Never admit to having slept with the deceased...or that they were awesome in bed.

It doesn't end well.

Especially if you imply it was after they died. :-D

Your a comedic genius!!

 

[Secret world leader (shhh)]

DO NOT pop out of a giant stripper cake wearing nothing but nipple tassles and a tiara. Especially at your OWN funeral. That shit gets awkward very fast. Trust me.

how do you do that at your own funeral?

Fake your death, or use them fake death poisons they use on TV and escape from the coffin when nobody's looking.

 

[Ask]

"Well, breakfast is getting cold and she's not getting any warmer, more oatmeal for everybody!"

 

[tigermilk]

Obviously one thing you don't do is the deceased!

 

[Jezzascmezza]

Don't imitate anything you may have seen in Death at a Funeral.

 

[TeeBs]

I really want someone who's wife just died to say at her funeral.
"I've got 99 problems but a ***** aint one"

 

[Kukakkau]

Do not put a phone with the ringtone set to thriller in the casket then call it during the service

 

[Outright Villainy]

Never admit to having slept with the deceased...or that they were awesome in bed.

It doesn't end well.

Especially if you imply it was after they died. :-D

"Thank God for rigor mortis!"

It can only go downhill from there...

 

[Queen Michael]

"Ding dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch!"

 

[Les Awesome]

: we hardly knew ye
seriously who the fuck was this guy?

 

[sanguinator]

DO NOT pop out of a giant stripper cake wearing nothing but nipple tassles and a tiara. Especially at your OWN funeral. That shit gets awkward very fast. Trust me.

how do you do that at your own funeral?

Fake your death, or use them fake death poisons they use on TV and escape from the coffin when nobody's looking.

still sounds a bit impractical....

 

[VampyreGeek]

Always remember. "I'm Sorry" and "I apologize." basically mean the same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.

 

[hoboman29]

"Another soul for my collection"
(everyone looks)
"Oh don't mind me I'm just on business. Speaking of which where is (dead guy's name here)"
(everyone looks shocked)
"Damn too late (leave)"
(let people think about what just happened)

 

[scorptatious]

I guess you could say the guy was a...

*puts on sunglasses*

dead ringer.

audience:...

Me: ._.

... I'll just leave now.

 

[mattttherman3]

You know how at weddings, people will go up to couples that are not married and bug them about getting hitched? Well go up to the oldest person, wink and say: "You're probably next!" Smile, and walk away.

 

[Harley Q]

People don't tend to appreciate it when you MacGuyver a smile onto the recently deceased's face. By MacGuyver I mean use toothpicks, elastic bands and duct tape.

It's also frowned upon to layer your great uncle Larry with so much Cherry Berry Lipstick and Green Glitterbomb eyeshadow that he looks like a Las Vegas showgirl. Thats the point where you get asked to leave...

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

You probably shouldn't douse the corpse with barbecue sauce and call dibs on the leg.

In my defense, I hadn't eaten lunch yet, and the eulogy was taking FOREVER.