This game SUCKS! The complainer complains about minor mistakes in great games.

[blankedboy]

Oh. An angry reviewer. How original. *cough Zero Punctuation cough*

Let me just say. If you're going to be an overly technical reviewer, don't put a score at the end. It just makes you seem like the world's worst critic.

STOP RIGHT THERE YOU HAVE 9999 POSTS

And watch MovieBob if you're a ZP fan, prepare to rage.

 

[Fidelias]

Yeah, I don't really know how much I liked Left 4 dead. I didn't see any problems with the gameplay. It's just, there was no story. Basically, you go around fighting zombies. I mean sure, it is a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, but come on. There should be some kind of theme about a group of friends fighting their way through the horde to rescue their other friend, or pretty much ANYTHING other than, "Here's the zombies, here's the guns. Shoot stuff."

 

[tombman888]

Kingdom Hearts... WHY IS X ATTACK AND CIRCLE JUMP???

THIS, and also, why the fuck did it take so long to have to navigate through available spells, items, and ability's!! seriously, anything that wasn't on my quick-tab was never EVER used because it just took so bloody long!!!


(in REAL seriousness. Kingdom Hearts is an absolutely marvelous series to me.)

 

[hiks89]

how does this guy know how a zombie works they dont exist

 

[blankedboy]

Yeah, that's right, those are the only 4 weapons in the ENTIRE game. As if you needed more proof that Valve are complete tossers.

Holy shit, I hope you're deliberately trolling here. Please tell me you are.

 

[Samurai Goomba]

Yeah, that's right, those are the only 4 weapons in the ENTIRE game. As if you needed more proof that Valve are complete tossers.

Holy shit, I hope you're deliberately trolling here. Please tell me you are.

I shouldn't need to tell you if you have basic reading comprehension and read into the second freaking page of the thread. The title should even clue you in. Also, "trolling" is not "trolling" when the THREAD IS FOR JOKE REVIEWS.

I'm so sick of this crap, being quoted and flamed by folks who appear to have no understanding of CLEARLY LABELED AND LABORIOUSLY EXPLAINED sarcasm. Now it's months and months since I first posted the HL2 review FOR LAUGHS (figured folks would enjoy a mock review of HL2 since there are tons of Valve fanboys here), and people are STILL quoting me because they think their opinions are sooo much more valid than mine, AND they can't read, AND they have no attention span, AND this thread was a failure and should have died months ago anyway.

So... Stop bringing it up!

And for the millionth time, I beat Half-Life 2, got every weapon, yadda yadda yadda. I freaking know Half-Life 2. You should have figured out it was a joke review the first time you heard me mention GUNS in the ORIGINAL MARIO. Unless you didn't read anything except that tiny part you quoted, in which case I just lost a bunch of faith in human beings.

I've probably put more effort into explaining the nature of sarcasm in a thread where the sarcasm is already clearly explained than the other people did crafting their actual joke reviews. Hey, here's another one for all of you:

"Team Fortress 2 is the worst game in the world because there is no reload animation for the Minigun. That's so unrealistic, 0/10 points."

If anyone seriously quotes me to debate that point, he or she is officially a moron. Now please leave me alone, all of you.

 

[Semudara]

Hi, I'm going to bump this thread now. Why? Because I like the concept, and moreover, I believe in redemption. Okay, maybe the population of the Escapist is almost entirely people who can't understand the words "satire" and "hyperbole", but somehow I doubt it. I'll try to get things started again in the proper spirit.

Portal? Man, that game sucked. It's like 20 minutes long, and you don't shoot stuff once. Not ONCE. What kind of FPS doesn't let you shoot stuff? I was also annoyed that the game didn't follow up on its promise of cake. What, was Valve too lazy to add that? What a bunch of money-grubbing incompetents. I'll bet they're saving the cake for the sequel. And what's with all the people fawning over the end-credits song? When I heard it out of context a few months before I actually played the game, it didn't impress me at all. Also, not enough zombies.

Rating: 1/10

 

[Netrigan]

LittleBigPlanet... being forced to play with friends to get all the items. I have a PS3, I don't have three friends

Assassin's Creed 2... no, leaping to my death was not what I was trying to do.

Infamous... climbing buildings gets really boring after playing Prototype.

Saints Row 2... why can't I put spinners on a Quota. I demand bling for my Meter Maid.

Bioshock... again with the damn hacking mini-game, isn't there a handy Quick Time Event I could be using instead?

 

[ThePraplegicClown]

We all know that zombies/infected have a terrific sense of smell, so Valve could've made it that difficulty was based on what time of the month it was. But no, just like every other female character there must me no mention of 'Aunt Flo'.

So let me get this straight. You would, for realism's sake I presume, give this game a higher score if Zoe had to stop off at the corner store to pick up tampons once a month? Maybe Valve, if not because it is an incomprehensibly stupid suggestion, left this aspect of life out because then they would have to balance the other characters. Imagine if Bill had to take a nap after Price is Right every night.

This review was extremely biased, and as already mentioned a failed attempt to be yahtzee/avgn/anyone else people will actually pay attention to.

On a scale from 1 - STFU, I give your review a 43.

 

[Arcanist]

StarCraft 2. The ending.

YOU ALL FUCKING KNOW WHY.

 

[LightningBanks]

...weapons that NEVER JAM and always have a gigantic pile of infinite ammunitation scattered around.

I don't think that Valve were being realistic with this game. Also, it's a game, it doesn't have to make sense.

But, I will join you on the Left 4 Dead hate. My god the AI and the fucking witch. Seriously, I hate playing online because there aren't many 'noob servers', and when I find one I can't fucking connect. So I have to play single-player. ARGH! THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING TIMES I'VE BEEN LEFT TO DIE BY THOSE STUPID FUCKWITS!!! I was downed by the horde at the end of No Mercy right next to the helicopter, and they just fucking stood there!! On Crash Course, I went to kill a witch, got chased, downed, killed, and they didn't fucking move! Whenever progressing, I'm leading the pack whilst everyone else trails 10 yards behind, so I always get the hit first. The AI is seriously the worst friendly AI I have ever seen in a game. And on that note...

The fucking witch. WHINY ***** FACE! I had no idea how to kill them, so I asked my friend over MSN who'd played it some time before me. He explained that I had to use the auto-shotgun. WELL EXCUUUUUSE ME VALVE, but I think that only having one special weapon is a kick in the balls! I use the assault rifle, as I can hammer on the trigger and take down horde crowds easily, and I enjoy getting long range headshots with it. But the fact that I have to use a weapon that I don't really want to use, I don't think that's fair. He said that I should wait for the survivor that has the auto-shotgun. Well I bring back my previous point, the AI that seems to have taken too many bites to the brain. If I didn't go and find the witch myself, they'd just stand there picking their noses and trying to lick the inside of their gun barrels clean.

Not worth the money I bought it for.

Umm, sorry to intervene on your ranting, and ima let you finishing ranting, but your supposed to try and dodge the witch, hence the lights off thing. And because you hate the ai (like me) if the witch is in a close quarters loction, run past her (without alerting it) then the ai should follow, with one of them getting to close for the witchs liking....*evil laugh*

 

[Megacherv]

...weapons that NEVER JAM and always have a gigantic pile of infinite ammunitation scattered around.

I don't think that Valve were being realistic with this game. Also, it's a game, it doesn't have to make sense.

But, I will join you on the Left 4 Dead hate. My god the AI and the fucking witch. Seriously, I hate playing online because there aren't many 'noob servers', and when I find one I can't fucking connect. So I have to play single-player. ARGH! THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING TIMES I'VE BEEN LEFT TO DIE BY THOSE STUPID FUCKWITS!!! I was downed by the horde at the end of No Mercy right next to the helicopter, and they just fucking stood there!! On Crash Course, I went to kill a witch, got chased, downed, killed, and they didn't fucking move! Whenever progressing, I'm leading the pack whilst everyone else trails 10 yards behind, so I always get the hit first. The AI is seriously the worst friendly AI I have ever seen in a game. And on that note...

The fucking witch. WHINY ***** FACE! I had no idea how to kill them, so I asked my friend over MSN who'd played it some time before me. He explained that I had to use the auto-shotgun. WELL EXCUUUUUSE ME VALVE, but I think that only having one special weapon is a kick in the balls! I use the assault rifle, as I can hammer on the trigger and take down horde crowds easily, and I enjoy getting long range headshots with it. But the fact that I have to use a weapon that I don't really want to use, I don't think that's fair. He said that I should wait for the survivor that has the auto-shotgun. Well I bring back my previous point, the AI that seems to have taken too many bites to the brain. If I didn't go and find the witch myself, they'd just stand there picking their noses and trying to lick the inside of their gun barrels clean.

Not worth the money I bought it for.

Umm, sorry to intervene on your ranting, and ima let you finishing ranting, but your supposed to try and dodge the witch, hence the lights off thing. And because you hate the ai (like me) if the witch is in a close quarters loction, run past her (without alerting it) then the ai should follow, with one of them getting to close for the witchs liking....*evil laugh*

Holy jesus, I made that post 1 year and 8 days ago.

 

[LightningBanks]

...weapons that NEVER JAM and always have a gigantic pile of infinite ammunitation scattered around.

I don't think that Valve were being realistic with this game. Also, it's a game, it doesn't have to make sense.

But, I will join you on the Left 4 Dead hate. My god the AI and the fucking witch. Seriously, I hate playing online because there aren't many 'noob servers', and when I find one I can't fucking connect. So I have to play single-player. ARGH! THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING TIMES I'VE BEEN LEFT TO DIE BY THOSE STUPID FUCKWITS!!! I was downed by the horde at the end of No Mercy right next to the helicopter, and they just fucking stood there!! On Crash Course, I went to kill a witch, got chased, downed, killed, and they didn't fucking move! Whenever progressing, I'm leading the pack whilst everyone else trails 10 yards behind, so I always get the hit first. The AI is seriously the worst friendly AI I have ever seen in a game. And on that note...

The fucking witch. WHINY ***** FACE! I had no idea how to kill them, so I asked my friend over MSN who'd played it some time before me. He explained that I had to use the auto-shotgun. WELL EXCUUUUUSE ME VALVE, but I think that only having one special weapon is a kick in the balls! I use the assault rifle, as I can hammer on the trigger and take down horde crowds easily, and I enjoy getting long range headshots with it. But the fact that I have to use a weapon that I don't really want to use, I don't think that's fair. He said that I should wait for the survivor that has the auto-shotgun. Well I bring back my previous point, the AI that seems to have taken too many bites to the brain. If I didn't go and find the witch myself, they'd just stand there picking their noses and trying to lick the inside of their gun barrels clean.

Not worth the money I bought it for.

Umm, sorry to intervene on your ranting, and ima let you finishing ranting, but your supposed to try and dodge the witch, hence the lights off thing. And because you hate the ai (like me) if the witch is in a close quarters loction, run past her (without alerting it) then the ai should follow, with one of them getting to close for the witchs liking....*evil laugh*

Holy jesus, I made that post 1 year and 8 days ago.

I did not know that, please say I was the first one to tell you

 

[LightningBanks]

Yeah, I don't really know how much I liked Left 4 dead. I didn't see any problems with the gameplay. It's just, there was no story. Basically, you go around fighting zombies. I mean sure, it is a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, but come on. There should be some kind of theme about a group of friends fighting their way through the horde to rescue their other friend, or pretty much ANYTHING other than, "Here's the zombies, here's the guns. Shoot stuff."

This is what I liked about it, its like my personal playground. I did like the atmoshpere stuuf though (writing on walls etc)

 

[Megacherv]

...weapons that NEVER JAM and always have a gigantic pile of infinite ammunitation scattered around.

I don't think that Valve were being realistic with this game. Also, it's a game, it doesn't have to make sense.

But, I will join you on the Left 4 Dead hate. My god the AI and the fucking witch. Seriously, I hate playing online because there aren't many 'noob servers', and when I find one I can't fucking connect. So I have to play single-player. ARGH! THE AMOUNT OF FUCKING TIMES I'VE BEEN LEFT TO DIE BY THOSE STUPID FUCKWITS!!! I was downed by the horde at the end of No Mercy right next to the helicopter, and they just fucking stood there!! On Crash Course, I went to kill a witch, got chased, downed, killed, and they didn't fucking move! Whenever progressing, I'm leading the pack whilst everyone else trails 10 yards behind, so I always get the hit first. The AI is seriously the worst friendly AI I have ever seen in a game. And on that note...

The fucking witch. WHINY ***** FACE! I had no idea how to kill them, so I asked my friend over MSN who'd played it some time before me. He explained that I had to use the auto-shotgun. WELL EXCUUUUUSE ME VALVE, but I think that only having one special weapon is a kick in the balls! I use the assault rifle, as I can hammer on the trigger and take down horde crowds easily, and I enjoy getting long range headshots with it. But the fact that I have to use a weapon that I don't really want to use, I don't think that's fair. He said that I should wait for the survivor that has the auto-shotgun. Well I bring back my previous point, the AI that seems to have taken too many bites to the brain. If I didn't go and find the witch myself, they'd just stand there picking their noses and trying to lick the inside of their gun barrels clean.

Not worth the money I bought it for.

Umm, sorry to intervene on your ranting, and ima let you finishing ranting, but your supposed to try and dodge the witch, hence the lights off thing. And because you hate the ai (like me) if the witch is in a close quarters loction, run past her (without alerting it) then the ai should follow, with one of them getting to close for the witchs liking....*evil laugh*

Holy jesus, I made that post 1 year and 8 days ago.

I did not know that, please say I was the first one to tell you

Erm...I think so...I'm not sure

 

[Squeaky]

I would probly end up righting a block of text so il just say ..... MW ....

 

[Soviet Heavy]

I'm waiting for the whiny unpleaseable Obsidian bashers to show up.