Too Much Pressure to Perform During Sex

[Bara_no_Hime]

I mean, I can get an erection, but then I get too in my head with anxiety or something and start losing it before long. Then things just go downhill from there.

Pleasuring her has never been an issue since I can make her orgasm pretty much any way imaginable, or at least every way that I've tried.

She thinks it's all meaningless if I don't orgasm too though. I guess she thinks that I only get pleasure from orgasming, despite telling her repeatedly that I just like the intimacy and making her feel good.

I had a boyfriend who had that issue once. High pressure situation. He could get started, but had trouble keeping things hard, particularly when I was taking my pleasure.

We tried two things that helped:

Starting earlier. He had to get up earlier than I did, and being tired made things worse. Having sex at 9PM instead of 1AM helped him perform better.

Different positions. When I was on top, I had a grand old time, but he would lose his erection, even though it felt good to him. Me on my hands and knees worked better for him. So, typically, I'd get to be on top first, and then (after regaining the erection) we'd finish "doggy style" for him.

Oh, me on my back, with my legs on his shoulders worked pretty good too. Not as good as the other, but... anyway, you might want to try a few different things. Every vagina is shaped a little differently, so you might need to try a few things to find a position that works.

One last thing - since you can pleasure her any number of ways (trusting you on this one), you can always 'trade' - don't worry about her during your 'final' position - just worry about you. If she's already had half a dozen orgasms, and she wants you to have one, then your job is to focus on yourself. If you happen to get her off again, great, but it shouldn't be your concern by that point.

 

[Crazy]

Don't think about it and let your instincts take you for a ride.

 

[Zorak the Mantis]

It's not that uncommon that stress and anxiety will affect your performance. It happens to women just as much as men. I recently had a situation with a friend who was afraid that she would not be able to please me due to inexperience and nerves, which is understandable.

However I think that it works both ways, I sure as hell am nervous anytime I go down on someone new. And ladies, it's almost never your fault if we can't get off, usually us guys are to preoccupied with performing for you. And like I stated before, you need to build up the anticipation more. If you jump right in you miss all of that, and sometimes the journey is better than the destination

 

[WolfThomas]

I'd stop the porn and masturbating, not for the psych stuff people are mentioning, but the longer you go without sex or masturbation generally the easier getting and maintaining an erection is. A good sign is waking up with an erection or having wet dreams, that's when you're body's really good to go.

Also sex doesn't have to be penis-vaginal. Performing oral sex or digital to the point where she's happy may relax you enough and arouse you enough to perform adequately.

While alcohol can ruin the sex drive, a single beer or half a glass of wine can relax you and the vasodilatory effects can help initially (drink too much and they're the problem).

 

[Elf Defiler Korgan]

You may want to use de dildos.

Good idea Wolfthomas. Let the ki flow.

 

[The .50 Caliber Cow]

Are you gay? Maybe you're really gay and that's the problem.

Or is she just fat and nasty?

Something is up if you're this young and you can't get it up. Either you're not attracted to her or you're not attracted to women in general.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have a lot of friends who are dudes who bang dudes. It's just better you admit it to yourself now before you get really involved with this girl.

So performance issues only apply to people who aren't really sure of their sexual orientation?

Anyway stop the porn, let yourself get ready for it and go with the flow. Talk to your girl though, clear the air. Communication is key to a happy relationship. And if not, you could always give me a call...

MOOO

 

[Mastodonic]

No more porn.
I went a couple years without regular, sober, good sex. I relied entirely on porn and masturbation and slowly no longer felt the drive to find a GF or sexual gratification elsewhere. I recently got a new girlfriend with an incredible sexdrive and had to literally reprogram myself for sex. I was so used to taking care of myself that i was having a huge amount (and still have some) trouble getting off. I went from being able and knowing exactly how to take care of myself, to relying on someone else and a different sensation i have little to no control over (hand vs vagina).
So basically the porn and constant masturbation had conditioned me to get off in a very specific way. This combined with the onslaught of visual imagery found with a million tabs of porn open that you dont have in your own bedroom.

Back off the porn. Dont get yourself off. Yes you'll get frustrated. Yes you may have trouble sleeping or start getting really restless. But at the moment you aren't giving your girl a fair chance if you're still jacking it all the time.

 

[cmdrmonkey]

I'd stop the porn and masturbating, not for the psych stuff people are mentioning, but the longer you go without sex or masturbation generally the easier getting and maintaining an erection is. A good sign is waking up with an erection or having wet dreams, that's when you're body's really good to go.

Also sex doesn't have to be penis-vaginal. Performing oral or digital to the point where she's happy may relax you enough and arouse you enough to perform adequately.

Really? I don't have this problem. I masturbate to porn at least two or three times a day and still have no trouble getting it up with my girlfriend. Maybe I'm just a sexual Tyrannosaurus.

I think if I went without porn, I'd probably have to rape someone, because I'm just that horny.

Which brings me back to my original point. I think this guy is just not that into this girl, or isn't into women. The "I have a headache. Or I'm really anxious" thing is the oldest excuse in the book when someone isn't interested in sex. And for all we know, the porn he's looking at is shemales or gay bareback or something.

 

[justnotcricket]

My advice would be to start proceedings by doing something else - with hands or mouth, for example, that does not require an erection. If you love her and are attracted to her/aroused by her, then you might find that doing those things helps you to get into the 'zone' and forget about your problems...at which point you may find you have an erection, *and* she's all warmed up as well - perfect combo! Enjoy.

To be honest, you can't expect her to give you the perfect reassuring response, or even to know what the perfect response is, should she wish to give it. I've been in her situation, and while yes, she might not be reacting in the 'best' way, it's likely because she hasn't encountered this problem before and doesn't know how to deal with it. You need to be much more open with her about what you need, and why it isn't her fault.

Remember that in these situations, just as there is a lot of pressure on you to 'perform' perfectly, there is an equal amount on her to have the 'perfect' response to anything you do (or can't do), to make you happy and secure all the time. Don't give up on the relationship until you've had a jolly good chat about everything.

Good luck! =)

 

[Not Good]

there's physical ways to increase preformance:

Exercising the Kegel muscles. If you want to know what those are try squeezing your anus and you'll feel muscle movements between your legs. There's some pretty basic ways to exercise them that are very inconspicuous so you could do them at work if you really wanted to. I'd also stress that if your flexing your stomach you're doing it wrong.

There's attempting differnt activities such as roleplay and such, but this can be as subtle as just trying different positions or tapping an unused sensual area like the neck or ears. Don't try anything that makes you or your partner uncomfortable, and remember that there's an infinite amount of numbers between 0 and 1 (if you get what I'm saying)


As far as psychological ways to preform better, if your current stress level is this serious I'd suggest either taking a vacation or quitting your current job so as to relax a bit. And always remember that it gets better

 

[HotFezz8]

Sigh.

we're the wrong people to talk to mate, this needs to be discussed with her (i would also recommend being all cuddly and reassuring, doesn't need to be sexual, just remind her your mad about her) and more importnantly YOUR DOCTOR!! this is something he will have dealt with dozens of times before, and he will be used to it and will be able to genuinly help.

also trying to reduce your stress. obviously.

 

[Ravenbom]

I love her, but I don't know what to do. Sigh.

Go down on her. Try to get yourself hard while giving her pussy a tongue bath. Soon as you're ready to go, go. If she's done, then just cuddle if it's not going to happen for you.

This is kind of a serious issue and the base of it is stress. I would very much recommend seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor (the first gives you pills, the second you just talk to).
If you're in school, take advantage of your school counselor and set up a once a week talk. If you're not in school and can't afford it or it's not covered by insurance, see someone at a local church.

Depending on the size of your town, there are all sorts of support groups.


You can always rely on your tongue to take care of business with the lady, your penis is not the be all, end all of sexual relationships.



You might want to see a psychiatrist or a doctor though to get the little blue pills or anxiety meds to help you get through this rough patch. You don't have to be on drugs forever, just think of it as a crutch. You won't need the crutches once your leg heals but the crutches will still make sure you can get around until that broken leg heals.

 

[Ham_authority95]

Hey Escapist community, I've got a problem that I need some help with.

Lately I've been depressed with aspects of my situation in life, and have been getting extremely stressed out by school work. It's to the point where it's really effecting my ability to perform sexually with my girlfriend.

I've tried explaining performance anxiety and the effect of stress on sexual performance, but she won't listen. She thinks that since I can get off to porn that I should be able to perform during sex. She thinks the problem is with her and me not being attracted to her anymore. She then says that even if it is stress that's causing my problem, that I should be able to forget all of that and be able to perform anyway when I'm with her.

It's just making me feel like even more shit. I can't perform because of stress and depression, and not being able to perform causes a strain on our relationship, and that causes more stress on me. It's like an endless cycle of anxiety.

She just told me that she wants to stop being physical with me because it's pointless and just making her depressed. I know she's not trying to be so cold, but it's like she doesn't even want to try to understand where I'm coming from.

I love her, but I don't know what to do. Sigh.

You've already told her that you've been stressed and need a bit of a breather, so she has no excuse for continuing to nag you about it. If she genuinely cares for your mental health and feelings, she would back off about sex and help make you feel less stressed.

Since she's already told you that she doesn't want to be physical with you anymore, maybe you should ask yourself whether or not she's good to be with.

 

[kurupt87]

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

No, it's definitely not like that. I think she's just too focused on her insecurities and is projecting all the problems onto herself. By doing that though, it's just making me feel guilty on top of everything else. Definitely doesn't help...

Get angry when explaining. Actual anger, and you are angry even if you hide it, can't be faked. Show the anger and you show the truth. I'm not saying violence of course, just vocal.

 

[Something Amyss]

Generally that happens in the first 6 weeks of taking the medication when it's trying to level out your hormones. I've on Efexor and it screwed with my libido for a while then BAM! Sex kitten!

'Snot been my experience or what the long term studies show. Though not everyone's typical. Prozac had the opposite effect on me than in most people.

Of course it made my migraines worse and pushed me towards violent tendencies, but my sex drive was awesome. >.>

This X 10000. Avoid at all cost.

I wouldn't say "at all cost."

I'd rather be unable to perform than suicidal, myself.

 

[Geeky Anomaly]

If she was a decent girlfriend, she'd go out of her way to help you. Whether it's relaxation, stress relief massage, or changing it up in the bedroom.

I can almost guarentee you...if she's not gonna get physical with you...she's going to with SOMEONE ELSE. I'm gonna give this to you hard and straight:

You need to nut up. When she says, "I'm just not gonna have sex with you." You need to say, "Then I'll get it someplace else." Like Ron White said, "I'm a good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's hard to keep me under the porch."

Oh, and stop jerking off to porn, it gives her ammunition to use against you.

 

[honestdiscussioner]

Exactly what do you mean when you say "perform"? That could mean get hard, or not be able to orgasm, or not please her. Sounds like it's not the latter.

You need to make sex fun again, and by that I don't mean physically enjoyable, but engaging.

Yes yes, boobs are already engaging. Not what I meant.

As with everything else on this site, the answer is . . gaming! Get a sexual game. Go on Adam and Eve, find one like Lust or the furry dice that tell to do something somewhere (lick neck, kiss nipple, etc.). Light some candles, make a night out of it. Ask her to play around first, spend at least a half and hour on foreplay.

I'm not saying do this every time you want to have sex, but do it on the weekends. Once you're able to perform a little bit, you'll start to get your confidence back, and you won't have to worry as much.

 

[silenticecream]

Dang, I'm depressed because I'm not getting any right now. I find that I can perform every time that I need to atm. Seriously, all the posters advising conversation are spot on. Chat about it, make it fun again rather than an ordeal.

 

[Lucifus]

Get ready for the break up. To be bluntly honest, your woman doesn't understand your problem because she doesn't care to understand it. She is young and just looking for a good time, and you aren't showing it to her. If she has told you she doesn't want to have sex because it depresses her, I can pretty much guarentee you your relationship is terminal and shes already contemplating on how to break it.

Harsh dude. Harsh. Unfortunately probably true too. Not that its going to help the OP's already pressured sex life but still.

If shes not willing to communicate or listen then just move on. Or learn how to be really good at foreplay. It gets her off and helps you chill out more.

Also OP if you have depression and anxiety are you on any meds? If so they can be the cause of problems in the bedroom.

 

[Squall-Loire]

When you're in your late teens or twenties, pretty much. Medical conditions that would cause ED like hypertension and type 2 diabetes aren't particularly common until much later in life. I'm telling you, there's like a 99.9% chance the OP is gay and doesn't know it yet. I've seen this exact situation many times before.

If you're 20 years old, have no medical conditions, and can't get it up with an attractive girl, you're probably a fag. End of story.

Your "story" blatantly ignores the rapid rise of mental disorders in the last few generations. Depression and anxiety are practically commonplace in people aged 13-30. You don't need to be suffering from ANY physical condition to cause ED - the biggest and most common cause is STRESS.

So kindly push your ignorant view elsewhere.