Translation: "Fuck off, I can't help you"

[Danpascooch]

We've all dealt with tech support before, and many of us I'm sure have come to recognize some key phrases that basically translate to "I have no fucking idea how to help you and I'm too lazy to try, I'm just going to waste your time until you give up or we somehow get disconnected"

I'm not saying these phrases are ALWAYS useless, just 99% of the time.

My personal favorite is "Have you updated all your drivers"?

Seriously, the problem can be something like "My computer doesn't turn on when I press the power button" and there is always some guy who will say "Have you updated your drivers"? As if he's reading it off a sheet of euphemisms for GTFO!

What are some of your favorites?

 

[Terminate421]

"Is it plugged in?"

 

[FalloutJack]

Heaven help you if you get "Bob", who's clearly from India and working tech support from there instead of the same country as you.

 

[SturmDolch]

Well... Have you updated your drivers? You know that might solve problems, right? If you don't want advice, then fix it yourself. Do you know how many morons call tech support and think they know better than the guy?

I've only called tech support once, and that's because my internet disconnected. I ended up just having to restart the stupid modem, which fixed it. Felt kind of stupid after that.

 

[vrbtny]

Interwebz it. The solution to your problem will be on a forum somewhere....

 

[Blitzwarp]

British tech support helps me by speaking in unintelligible Hindi-English. :|

 

[Xaryn Mar]

Well it is opviously a fault 40.

 

[xdom125x]

I can at least understand why tech support people say stuff that sounds like "fuck off". They talk to tons of people every day and all those people calling are pissed off because their shit ain't working.

"Is it plugged in?"

This question is just begging for somebody to answer 'no'.

"Does it blend?"

Misread that as "Does it bleed?".

 

[Nico III]

Interwebz it. The solution to your problem will be on a forum somewhere....

...along with several recommendations to delete system32.

 

[Metzeten]

100% of the time they have a cribsheet that they are reading off, there is always a portion of callers who are eliminated by the initial points.

Its pretty simple, you call up, and before they can start droning on at you to hold button X for y seconds or turn it off and back on, you simply start talking, inform them what you have done and can they please check to see what else you or they are able to do, or do you need your warranty handy.

 

[emeraldrafael]

I called one time cause my screen just went blank, but you could hear everything and it was all running. The guy asked me if I let it go to sleep mode.

Alright, valid remark. I know people are that dumb. So I said no.

he then proceeds to say did I turn the Screen off. I bit back the urge to get sarcastic. But I still saw where you could be lead to believe that.

He then asked if I was watching a Microwave. I kid you not.

well... things got kinda hazy after that, but I remember him saying he's from philadelphia (oh, i know, it was and American?! Surely he was Indian. No, he was American), to which it then devolved into a hate filled speech of obscenities and insults, mostly about how their sports teams are inferior to Pittsburgh's (except Baseball, but who really cares about that), and about how I rocked his mother's socks off in bed last night. To which he said his mother was dead and I said I know, it was a lot of work, but an awesome reward.

... No, I'm not proud of myself, but retardedness on that level just needs to addressed.

 

[Mekado]

Working in tech support i confess some techs "bounce" (make them call back hoping they won't get them again) customers sometimes, BUT i also saw a fair share of clinically retarded people getting angry at questions like these 2;

1- Is the switch for your wireless card on ? "there's no switch" "well yes there is" etc etc, after 10 minutes of arguing he finally find the switch on his fucking laptop, and of course no "Excuse me, i was wrong" not even a god damned thank you.

2- are you connected to the modem correctly ? "of course i am! you think i'm an idiot?" to find out after 10 mins of troubleshooting the client was using a phone cable.

Also, funny thing you mentionned accent, i do have one (french-canadian) and some people take offense at this, though i'm perfectly bilingual.To be honest though when they find out the call center is in Canada and not India most people tend to calm down...

So yeah, 75% of tech are "sheet-readers" people with little to no tech experience who are given a list of common problem and solution to go through, the reason for this is obvious, to save money, you can pay a lvl1 tech 10-11$ an hour, a level2 (a real tech) will be 16$ and up.They're not treating you like an idiot because they want to, it's because it's their job.

 

[Lunar Shadow]

"Is it plugged in?"

You don't realize how often that the reason is that the comp is unplugged.

 

[rickvhoeij]

Well usually helpdesk have a first tier and the more elusive second tier.

Here is the situation: I need to get a certain security block of my modem.



Connecting to first tier . .. ...

Helpdesk person: Hello [NAME] of [COMPANY NAME], how can I help you?
Me: Hey, I need to get the [SECURITY ISSUE] of my modem, this is a technical subject that isn't explained in your standard answer sheet. Could you please put me through to second tier?

[LONG PAUSE]

Helpdesk person: But sir, I need to document your problem before sending you to second tier?
Me: AS I said I need to get the [SECURITY ISSUE] of my modem.

[LONGER PAUSE]

Helpdesk person: I have no known issue for your problem sir.
Me: That's what I figured, that's why I asked to be put through to the second tier.

Helpdesk person: But this is not an known issue.
Me: But believe me, the second tier will know.

Helpdesk person: Ok, I will check with them.

[HOLD MUSIC - ME GETTING PISSED OFF WITH HELPDESK PERSON AND HOLD MUSIC - 5 MIN LATER]

Helpdesk person: Hey, are you still there?
Me: ... ... ... (BUILDING SUSPENSE) YES!

Helpdesk person: I'm putting you through with second tier.
Me: THANK GOD!!!!




Of course second tier couldn't help me either and I had to terminate my contract with that certain ISP. Got ride of the problem finally. Total phone call took me about 1 hour!!!!

 

[Vhite]

"Your parents will help you hook it up."

Not really from tech support. Its from old NES commercial. You dont know what to do? Then fuck you, just give it to your parents.

 

[PunkyMcGee]

i have to post this

EDIT: most computer companies have the "no shit" questions asked by people who don't really know much but a little. you have no idea how often that solves the problem, before puting you on with someone that can help better.