Unrequited Love or How I'm Too Passive For My Own Good

[Froggy Slayer]

So, during the past year I've managed to fall quite madly in love with a girl that I'm friends with. Of course, me being me I never managed to go forward with anything during this. Now, I used to believe in the myth of how 'nice guys finish last', and I do consider myself to this day to be a nice guy. But I was always too shy to try anything; I'm not very good at talking to girls. The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings. It tore me apart; I considered offing myself more than once. Decided against it, of course.

During this time she got a boyfriend. Now, I was prepared to hate him, but an odd thing happened. I realised that he was one of the nicest guys that I had ever met. I didn't know what to think at first, but now, I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could. This should be the end of it, but I can't shake my feelings for her. Hell, some nights I just lie awake and stare at the ceiling. It hurts, is what I'm saying.

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

 

[ScrabbitRabbit]

I had this problem a few years back. I think most people go through it at some point. It's a truly awful feeling isn't it? I was into this girl for about 3 years or so and I wasn't particularly happy during that time. I did come out and tell her eventually and things went alright after that, for the most part.

Eventually we started talking a lot less and it wasn't until that point where I really started to "get over her." One of my friends went through something similar and, in the end, the only thing that really worked for either of us was seeing the object of our affections a lot less. It just happened naturally, though. It's not easy to just stop seeing your friends.

You could always use the pain to inspire some kind of art, sell it, and make millions.

 

[JoJo]

I recommend finding yourself a new girl, nothing drives old loves out of the mind faster than new ones. Also, next time just go for it, at the worst she'll say no and be flattered by your interest, on the other hand if she says yes... ;-)

 

[Shinsei-J]

Ah, this story.
Let me spin you a yarn from my own life.
It started around 3 years ago, when I met a girl a year older myself. We often hung out due to mutual freinds but we never quite got to know each other until one year later when we were in a situation where all we could do was talk. We talked about cooking and music then bullying and politic, that's when I finally noticed her for the beauty she is. After that we kept hanging around each other not because of other people but because she and I enjoyed our company. Then, one year ago I confessed my love for her and she said no.
She's still my friend and we still hang out when she's in town but I'm still not completely over her, I just need more time.
So it just takes time, it may be clieched but it's true.

Also new love, you will forget about everything else once you're in love again.
Though for me I'm too emotional to go into a new love soon after an old one.

 

[HardkorSB]

The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings.

[...]

I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could.

Why do you go out of your way to visualize your failure before you actually do anything?

If a girl says "no" then she says no. Nothing happens. Doing nothing and regretting it later is much worse because you'll constantly be asking yourself "what if...?" but you won't know because you didn't even try and it will be there at the back of your head, popping up every once in a while when you're in a bad mood to make the mood even worse.
Try to have as few of these type of regrets as possible.
Next time, go for it. You can make a fool of yourself, it's ok.
The memories of you trying and failing are, in retrospect, kind of pleasant. They can even be hilarious if you messed up real bad.
The memories of you stepping back and doing nothing are just mental baggage.

 

[Agent Larkin]

Oh unrequited love. it's a fun one.

Takes ages to get past it. Had it happen twice, the first girl it took me 5 years to realise we would never have worked.

The second girl turned out to be a lesbian, no really this isn't being butt-hurt she is actually a lesbian. A damn good friend too.

 

[Casual Shinji]

I think I've only fallen in love once during elementary school. But then every guy in class liked her, so I was already out of the game right there.

 

[Shinsei-J]

Snip-

Reminds me of this song.
Had a friend whom this happened to as well, he was crushed for weeks so I hope you don't take offence at it and I hope you can laugh at it too.

 

[Mr F.]

-snip-

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

How do you move on?

If I had the answer to that question I would be a millionaire. Moving on is one of the hardest things you can do because it opens you up again to getting hurt. Before I continue, I will just drop my favourite quote on love here.

?Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.?

Love hurts. It always has, it always well. It does get easier though. That said, I am not exactly a wellspring of advice, I have been in a few relationships in my time and in love... twice. The best advice I can give you is distract yourself, constantly.

If you are lying awake all night? Read something. Anything. TV-Tropes, Cracked, Poetry, whatever floats your boat. Or, if you are loosing a lot of sleep, do the reverse. Turn off all lights, all sounds and then just close your eyes and wait. Your brain will slow down eventually.

If you find yourself moping and doing nothing try doing something productive. Work out, get some schoolwork done, shit like that. Small things will make you feel better, small tasks are the best. Like cleaning your room or washing up or something. It will make you stop thinking, its a clear task.

This one is the most important one though. Stop talking about it. Hang around with your friends. If thats too hard, try and make my friends!

Being passive is deadly. It leads to soul-death. It will make you unhappy eventually. And it is a really, really hard cycle to break out of. But you also have to remember that it is OK to be unhappy when things do not go your way.

Its my ex girlfriends birthday today. To counteract the abject misery of the situation, of unrequited love, I am tidying my room. Spring cleaning. Once my washing is done I will jump in the shower and then go for a walk. Might get the bus into town and sit around drinking overpriced coffee in a coffee shop.

Finally...

Just ask someone else out. Hell, that might be difficult. It might be terrifying. But once you get used to asking people out, and rejection, life becomes so much easier.

Easiest way of getting over someone, totally and utterly, particularly someone you have never dated, is to date someone. Its not wrong, its not a "Rebound". Once you are over the age of 20 chances are everyone around you has been in a relationship. Everyone has baggage of some kind.

Unrequited love is horrible. But its just part of growing up.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Personal experience, get comfortable being on your own. Find ways to like yourself, or become a person you would like yourself to be. A meaningful relationship will come out of that. You won't get laid a lot with that kind of mindset, but it works if you really want something deep.

Also, some people will tell you not to be a dick. I will not dissuade you from that, but there's something to be said about not being too nice. Don't always say the nice things or do the right action, choose the "Renegade" option every once in a while. If a girl wants a dog, they'd get a dog ya know?

Anyway, you're going through a rough spot. Like I said, take a break for a while and just focus on yourself.

 

[Angie7F]

Find another girl.
Only new crushes help me get over old ones.

 

[Vegosiux]

Find another girl.
Only new crushes help me get over old ones.

That's...actually a problem, I'd say. Rebound relationships are iffy, at least from my experience. As the guy above said...

Personal experience, get comfortable being on your own. Find ways to like yourself, or become a person you would like yourself to be.

That's what it falls down to. Even when in a relationship, you need to be comfortable with yourself, otherwise things get complicated quickly.

 

[RoonMian]

First of all let me say this: I applaud you for not being the kind of asshat that ultimately blames her for "friendzoning" you... That alone shows a kind of character that a lot of people in your situation lack.

To my advice... Keep in mind that this is just general advice from a total outsider. I don't know you, don't know her, don't know your situation in detail. That gives me the ability to be very rational, maybe even cold hearted about this. Doing what I'd suggest would require a lot of overcoming and if you don't wanna do that I can more than understand because when I was in your situation I didn't do what I'm telling you now myself. But I know this: In a lot of aspects brain chemistry wise being in love is like being on drugs. Dopamine and stuff, you know what I mean. And how do you get off drugs? You detox. That means no more drugs.

So my advice would be: Talk to her. Explain to her how you feel. Maybe even use the drug analogy. And tell her than you need some time, maybe even a few months, to wean yourself off of her. Because it's kind of hard getting over your feelings for her if she's kinda always in your face. Like an alcoholic trying to become sober still working at his job in a brewery. So a pause, no talking, no contact, maybe even that kind of disciplinary electrical dog collar to zap yourself every time you think about her. And then after a few months you check if you can be around her without it hurting so much and if you succeeded then you can try to rekindle your friendship if the two of you still want that. If rekindling the friendship doesn't work, well... We have a saying here: "Rather an end with horror than a horror without end."

Captha: the whole nine yards.

 

[Daveman]

Have been in much the same position, I always hated it when I liked her boyfriends... I think only one of them was a cock ever.

The solution: Drinking!

Or just generally finding something else to do. Buy a DVD boxset and watch it all the way through. Spend a full day gaming with mates. Distractions in general are great. Also, avoid the girl like the plague! It'll take fucking ages, it was more than a year for me, but you'll get over her. Just don't meet her again because ALL those feelings rush back.

If you don't want to exorcise her from your life entirely, just accept that you fancy her and always will because ultimately, there's a reason for it. You find all those traits attractive. Just keep on fancying her and don't act on it. It's really not as bad as you'd think it would be.

 

[Eleuthera]

There's three way I get over someone.
1) Find someone new. Great idea in theory, near impossible in practice.
2) Just wait it out, time heals all wounds and all that.
3) Get them to disappoint you terribly. This can take many forms, but basically if they somehow display behaviour that disappoints you enough the shine of perfection will fade and it's a lot easier to let it go. (in my case anyway)

 

[Kirke]

-snip-

-snip-

Man, I am seriously happy that I don't fall in love. I don't understand how you people can stand it.
OT: If it wasn't obvious, I'm not much help I'm afraid. But I'd wager the tips given in this thread are pretty much spot on.