I met her on the first day of school, we were both 6. I was a hapless wallflower, and I don't think I ever would have found my way into the right class if she hadn't taken my hand. She was the liveliest, smartest, nicest person I've ever known. At first I watched her from afar, but we eventually bonded over shared interests.
One day in fourth grade we were talking about who in the class likes who. Things became awkward when it came my turn to spill the beans, so after me stalling for a few hours, she took a hostage. Namely, my bike. We ended up making a deal; I'd get my bike back and leave, and a friend of mine would stay behind to tell her.
The next day in school she came to me with a grin from ear to ear. We didn't talk about it, but it was known. Around the school too. Sadly, we were just kids, and "going steady" turned out to be not at all different from "being friends". I think by seventh grade we were back to "being friends", and I didn't have the guts to tell her just how much she meant to me.
On ninth grade out class made a trip to Norway, and we hung together most of the trip. Those were the best two weeks of my life. My best friend had also just gotten together with a girl he would go on to date for the next 4 years, and I was convinced that this is where I would make my feelings known. Well, we went there and back again, we had fun, but I never said the words.
I knew we were going to different high schools after ninth grade, and for a while there I considered just offing myself. I decided against it (or was just too indecisive again), and started a new life in high school...except I didn't. She was there, again, on the first day of school, to help me be less lost. It turned out her new boyfriend was going to my new school. She was going to a different school, and I still had to see her on an almost daily basis, only now she was with someone else.
One fine day I was feeling especially brave and desperate and brave, so I sent her a text message saying "You know how I had a crush on some years back? Well, that never really went away..." followed by another one saying "Actually, just forget about it." I didn't have to wait long for an answer. She said: "You know I won't forget. And I'm sorry..." I bawled my eyes out that day, which was awkward, because I was still in school.
Some days later, as I was getting ready to go home after school, I got a message from her asking if I was still at school. I was walking to my bus stop while trying to think of something to text back, as I didn't really feel ready to confront her just yet. Then she ambushed me, from behind, mid text. She wanted to know if I was okay. I told her that it's fine, that it's not a big deal.
Over the following months we took a karate class together, and were in touch somewhat regularly by instant messaging. We were friends again. At some point she told me that a friend of hers back in ninth grade had asked her why we weren't together, to which she replied that she just didn't think I was interested in her in that way. Eventually she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend. Said she felt he was "pigeonholing" her, that he didn't get her. And I did what I always do: absolutely nothing.
Our IM talks started getting less and less frequent, until at some point I hadn't heard from her for over a year. One summer I sent her a text, inviting her over for dinner. To my joy and horror she accepted the offer, and to make things worse, she had become a vegetarian. I don't know how to cook for a vegetarian! But at least I'd get one last chance to level with her. That was all that mattered.
The food wasn't great, but we had fun. As the night went on I managed to read between the lines that she was in a relationship again, which brought me down a notch, but then she dropped the big one: she was going to move over to Scotland to study. At that point I began rationalizing the situation, telling myself that opening up to her would be pointless. She had someone else, and she was moving anyway, so what I would have to say would just make her feel like shit, and in the end nothing would change.
I said nothing. We had a few more IM chats, but I haven't heard from her since she left for Scotland. That was almost five years ago, and the thoughts of what could have been make me feel like I'm being operated on by a dentist with a jackhammer. The thought of her being happy with someone else turns the jackhammer into a pile driver. I mean, I want her to be happy and all, I'd just rather it was with me... But I guess if I could have made her happy, I would have.
I got stupid and decided to google her not too long ago, and Google in its infinite cruelty decided a slap a picture of her in a park with some dude at my face. It looked like a scene from a fucking romcom (maybe it was? That would make me feel better at least). I wasn't even doing a picture search! So all I know is that nowadays she's studying chemistry 1600 kilometers away from me, and is probably in a happy relationship.
Of course I could look her up on Facebook or something, if I wanted to. But I don't know if telling her would make my situation better in one way or the other, and I think it would be pretty shitty of me to drop my baggage on her if she's doing well for herself.
I've never asked someone out in my life. I'm insecure to begin with, and I just haven't found anyone else I'm that interested in. I've been asked out by others, but I've always ended it after a few dates because this whole dating thing just does nothing for me.
I'm no longer harboring any hope that me and her will ever happen, and yet I still can't let it go. She told me she wouldn't forget. I don't know if she still remembers me, but I do know that she has no idea how hard I've been trying to forget her.
