Vault101s guide to writing awsome storys!

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Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
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so I notice there are alot of "writers" on the escapist, so I thourght it might be apropriate to share some of my valuable wisdom/knowelege on the topic

I've watched/read/played a whole bunch of books,comics/movies/games so I'd say I'm pretty much as expert now

[b/]1.Romance[/b]
romance is exciting! its awsome! it happens all the time...take two lumps of meat with differing chromozomes and mash them together you get romance! its especially effective if those two lumps of meat don't particually care for each other and also if they are in an intense situation (like running away from the butcher) life or death survival situations are where romance flourishes!

by making the lumps of meat argue and initially hate each other you are actually laying the ground work for the fact that they LOVE each other...its only a matter of time, this process is a slow build up of tension that culminates is a wonderful climax

but what do you do once those two lumps of meat are stuck together? well then they become boring....so oyu rip them apart and do it again! the great thing is you can do this as many times as you want!



[b/]2.your protagonist[/b]
there are many aproaches you can take for your leading man (yes 99% of the time its going to be a man)

above all you must make him AWSOME, he is so awsome women love him...he has so much sex he can't keep up...in fact you could say he has so much sex and his man sword is soo big its a curse

one way to ensure he is a badass is to make him an absolute asshole, the more of a dick he is the more awsome he is, this means being very very angrey...scowling at everything and everyone..oh sexist too!

but even if your man is not the scowley angry type...he must be above all be SPECIAL...he must be chosen, must have some super duper ability gifted to him by birth that makes him awsome...this is why he's the protagonist of coarse!

[b/]3.steryotypes[/b]
coming up with charachters and making them develop and all that crap is HARD..thankfully society has taken the some of that hard work out of the equasion!

you know your sterotypes, you seem them all the time, they are a valuable tool! You make a charachter a sterotype and the audience already knows everything about that charachter! as the old saying goes that stuff practically writes itself!

[b/]4.women[/b]
women are complicated....arguably more complicated than quantam physics, trying to work thease bizare masses of emotion and perfume into your story is a tedious task at best, but unless your writing the shawshank redemption its a nessicary evil

complicated as it is just think of it like this...a man is the earth and the woman is the moon...so often a womans motivation revolves around her significant other

or if your making a "strong indepenant women" a good way to charachterise her is to use her FATHER as primary motivation, it makes a whole lot more sense then doesnt it? (but only if she doesnt have a brother) her father is ill so she goes off to fight in his palce..her father was a sodler/archeologist so thats what she did, her father raised her like a boy because he was a single parent with no son..again its a great guide

above all a strong independant women must have attitude! this relates to the "asshole" rule I pointed out on protagonists, shes mean, she's agressive and she aint scared to kick a man in the balls, that is untill she finds one that brings out her softer side...remember people, romance!

also a quick note on gay people: if a women is unfemine/unattractive she is a lesbian...lesbians can be converted! gay man are a womans personal accesory AND are all effeminiate sex hungry people with fantastic fashion sense
[b/]5.notmal people[/b]
are booooooooooooooooorrrring you don;t write storys about Ted from IT do you? of coarse not, Teds boring, and probably a loser make your charachters crazy! its a great way to drive the plot forward!

don't worry about your charachters being "realistic" realism is for losers! makem however you want! this is your story after all

[b/]6.plot[/b]
plots? pffffft plots arent as complicated as some would make out, hero encounters bad guy...they fight, hero gets beaten down, finds somthing to defeat badguy...gets girl..BAM! done

that "somthing" can be almost anything, magic!, god!, a "hidden ability!", use your imagination!

and don;t worry about endings...they arent important, if you write your story but run out of time to put on a ending its ok! the journey is more important! and along side stoping things abruptly with no explanation could be considered artistic! your audience doesnt NEED to know what happned in the end....they are just a bunch of assholes...

[b/]7.Villans[/b]
Vaillans are easy! just dress them in black

but if you want to be more subtle about it than make them a racial minority or just give them a funny accent! tapping into our subconcious fear of foregners lets your audience know who the bad guys are!

[b/]8. getting your message across[/b]
often a good story comes with a message, here are a number of commonly know facts that can be part of your message

-humans are bastards, you want your audience to hatethemselfs even more!
-the evirnment is in peril! this one ties in closley with the first
-ALL authority is bad, the governement is evil
-rebllion is hip, cool and morally in the right!
-cops/solders are disposable <-so if you have super powers spazzing out and killing them is perfectly acceptible!

I think thats it for now...if anyone has anymore writing tips I'd like to hear them
 

Ryotknife

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Oct 15, 2011
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whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

great, the bait has been set.

everyone get your flame shields out.
 

Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
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DVS BSTrD said:
children
Should always be brats, and their self inflicted peril is an excellent way to raise the emotional stakes when you can't think of anything to make your protagonist seem likable. Remember, the shallower they are the better. And their condescending view of their elders and basic common sense should only be greater than or equal to how patronizing the other characters treat them.

Bonus points if they have inattentive, forgiving and/or spoiling parents, or if a more rounded character has to sacrifice their lives in some needlessly dramatic fashion to keep them alive.
excellent! children are also incredibly insightful and deep by defualt of being children!
 

BathorysGraveland2

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Feb 9, 2013
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I'm an aspiring author myself (fantasy/historical fiction) and I have to ask, is this a joke? I'm all for getting advice and shit, but this seems too silly to believe. Protagonists have to be "awesome" and have a "super duper ability" from birth? What?
 

Alternative

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Jun 2, 2010
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BathorysGraveland2 said:
I'm an aspiring author myself (fantasy/historical fiction) and I have to ask, is this a joke? I'm all for getting advice and shit, but this seems too silly to believe. Protagonists have to be "awesome" and have a "super duper ability" from birth? What?
I dont see what you are getting at.
this is by far some of the best advice ive ever read.
I wish my English teachers had given me advice half as good as this, instead they wanted me to write relatable sympathetic characters enganging in interesting and well constructed stories.
 

SomeLameStuff

What type of steak are you?
Apr 26, 2009
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BathorysGraveland2 said:
I'm an aspiring author myself (fantasy/historical fiction) and I have to ask, is this a joke? I'm all for getting advice and shit, but this seems too silly to believe. Protagonists have to be "awesome" and have a "super duper ability" from birth? What?


Vault is loopy and we all love her for it =3

OT: You forgot dogs! Everyone loves dogs, so just throw in a few mutts here and there!
 

BathorysGraveland2

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SomeLameStuff said:
I'm not new at all. I've been a part of this site now since December '11. However, I know Vault has made some serious threads in the past with that kind of spelling, so I have no idea if this is the same or not.
 

Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
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BathorysGraveland2 said:
I'm not new at all. I've been a part of this site now since December '11. However, I know Vault has made some serious threads in the past with that kind of spelling, so I have no idea if this is the same or not.
my advice is gold

since your genre is fantasy then you should be aware of the strict rules

-dwarves, short loud drinking miners
-elfs, nature loving, arrow shooting "spiritually superior" beings
-humans all round awsome...and bastards at times
-orcs 100% evil

and don't forget dragons, chosen ones, villages burning and....hmmm....magical macguffans and big dark pure evil forces

if you deviate from that then your no fantasy author
 

BathorysGraveland2

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Vault101 said:
Well the fantasy world I'm creating for my stories to be set in is influenced by our own past cultures mythologies (ancient Egyptian mythology being a big one) rather than any kind of Tolkeinian-based mythos. I've got no problems with dragons, orcs and elves, but it is getting somewhat generic. There is room for creativity even there, however. Andrzej Sapkowski's The Witcher is a good example of Tolkienian-influenced fantasy with its own feel and originality.
 

Vault101

I'm in your mind fuzz
Sep 26, 2010
18,863
15
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BathorysGraveland2 said:
Vault101 said:
Well the fantasy world I'm creating for my stories to be set in is influenced by our own past cultures mythologies (ancient Egyptian mythology being a big one) rather than any kind of Tolkeinian-based mythos. I've got no problems with dragons, orcs and elves, but it is getting somewhat generic. There is room for creativity even there, however. Andrzej Sapkowski's The Witcher is a good example of Tolkienian-influenced fantasy with its own feel and originality.
Egyptian? No no no no no no it's eather medieval Europe or nothing

what do you think fantasy even means? whatever you want? No, it means dwarfs and elves

don't go injecting creativity and originality into a genre that already has established rules!

(At the risk of being reported for provoking...yes this is satire)
 

Evil Smurf

Admin of Catoholics Anonymous
Nov 11, 2011
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Vault is fake and gay, everyone knows women in stories must have massive tits.
.https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTU0tJrYx-0ouqjy1BwUC__r_CgoH6X26TAQInjm_eGQ5YjAtTM

ALSO POLYGONS IS EMOTIONS
https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ2lpCLvGYDEuLcKP3XGGWPUtvYkiiCQKWFrGm2V1HJNXNAwJor
 

nyarlathotepsama

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Apr 11, 2012
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My god this thread is genius! I'll bring this to the attention of the marketing department, as I work in publishing, they are almost certain to promote me with insight like this!

I laughed until I almost got sick, Vault you appear to understand the way the vast majority of publishers think these days and it amuses me, greatly.
 

Thaluikhain

Elite Member
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Jan 16, 2010
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Teens should be angsty, and have no living parents.

Also, when something happens to the hero's friends/loved ones (especially if it was to get at the target), it's important to make a fuss about how bad it was for the hero, not for the victim.

Especially if it involves a fridge.
 

Drops a Sweet Katana

Folded 1000x for her pleasure
May 27, 2009
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Vault101 said:
BathorysGraveland2 said:
I'm not new at all. I've been a part of this site now since December '11. However, I know Vault has made some serious threads in the past with that kind of spelling, so I have no idea if this is the same or not.
my advice is gold

since your genre is fantasy then you should be aware of the strict rules

-dwarves, short loud drinking miners
-elfs, nature loving, arrow shooting "spiritually superior" beings
-humans all round awsome...and bastards at times
-orcs 100% evil

and don't forget dragons, chosen ones, villages burning and....hmmm....magical macguffans and big dark pure evil forces

if you deviate from that then your no fantasy author
And, don't forget, the parents of the protagonist must be killed by bandits, or the whole thing will fall apart at your feet.
 

Artemis923

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Dec 25, 2008
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My best friend is a grad-school writer; he's gotten multiple letters from schools across the country for what's little more than classic sword-and-sorcery stories.

We worked through all of the fight scenes ahead of time with actual swords though; I like to think half of his good writing is from my fight choreography.

Idk what relevance this has to the topic; just it's about stories, and I've had 10 shots o' Jager and a Vertical Epic 2012 so it seems relevant to me. =D