Videogame plots as newspaper headlines

[rosac]

So I saw the thread titled "Man flees from nymphomaniac" and thought that the headline would be weirdly suited for describing Catherine's plot. So If you had to make a headline out of a games plot, what would you make?

E.g. Team fortress 2- Demolition vs Logging industries battle escalates, thousands dead.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

Spectre Shepard warns of danger. Council dismisses claim.

Caesar's Legion denounces strength of women. Is destroyed by lone female courier


Those are the only ones I've got so far.

 

[lRookiel]

Hmmm, interesting! I'll play your game spaceman!

Baldurs gate cuts iron trade short, Amn's troops dispatched to deal with the situation.

 

[Iron Criterion]

This sounds like fun.

"'I've received a letter from my dead wife', says Troubled Man"

"Dovahkiin kills Alduin. Dragons still endlessly roam."

 

[Mr.Mattress]

"Hero Extraordinaire eats pellets, ghosts"

"Man Rescues Princess From Castle"

"Animal Saves Other Animals from Mad Doctor"

 

[bobmus]

'ALIEN INVASION SUCCEEDS ANYWAY' - Space Invaders

'CRAZED APE THROWS BARRELS AT PLUMBER' - Donkey Kong

'GRANDSON OF PROF. OAK BEATS THE ELITE FOUR'
'RIVAL KID BEATS PROF. OAK'S GRANDSON'
[small]'This is my grandson, uh, what was his name again?'[/small]

 

[Hero in a half shell]

"15 dead after lions escape cages at city zoo AGAIN. Bringing total deaths in zoo to 134 this month. HOW IS THAT PLACE STILL OPEN!?!"

Oh Zoo Tycoon. Bless you blatant disregard for human safety.

Also, an extract from page 3 of The Sun

News in Briefs: Lara, 18, Hertfordshire, believes more money should be given to historical preservation. "Our pasts are as important as our future, and I've heard some old ruins can be downright treacherous"

Unfortunately I couldn't include the picture that went with it.

 

[Goofguy]

"Vault Hunters claim "The Vault did not contain any treasure", Atlas Corporation opens investigation"

 

[Hero in a half shell]

"Garrus Valkarian stops Reaper invasion with reason and logic, Former hero Shepard found asleep on battlefield!"

 

[Scarim Coral]

20 Pizza executives found slaughter in a car part. (No More Heroes)

Boy from Pallet town defeat local Gym leader.

Sceientist are stumped at Unova new Pokemon species.

 

[Squidbulb]

"Princess missing, government hire hero to help"
"Aperture Science employees missing-Police suspect Black Mesa"
"Recent string of murder and theft causes guards to crack down on hooded men"

 

[The Night Angel]

Fun thread

"Female free-running courier wanted in connection with a murder investigation. Cop sister already in custody"

 

[DoPo]

"Police apprehend and then immediately release a man who went on a crime spree in the city."

Also

"A criminal kills dozens and destroys property worth thousands. Military dispatched managed to stop him but the hospital released the criminal immediately after giving him health care."

Any GTA game I've played.

 

[Casual Shinji]

"S.T.A.R.S. death toll rises, "stars" mumbling bio-organic weapon pleads innocence."

 

[Relish in Chaos]

Princess is kidnapped by giant turtle.
Biological experiment gone wrong. Bandicoot escapes from laboratory.
Yellow nymphomaniac swallows balls until she dies.

 

[Cazza]

Bloody end to hostage captures in Italy. - Counter Strike. So many ways to describe it.

 

[Hazy992]

Terror as psychopath goes on rampage with giant purple sex toy

 

[him over there]

marshmallow saves planet, romances possible heir to ripple throne

 

[StormShaun]

"Man wielding giant Dildo slaughters thousands."
"Dragonborn saves world, no parade."
"America cleared of evil due to Lonesome Wonderer."
"Man grabbing pills eaten by zombies, due to being high."
"Player's house blown to Kingdom come, last sounds heard were hissing."
"Survivor becomes King of World with Fire and Sword in less then 5 days."
"Hundreds killed due to "Spy checking"."
"Millions of Spartans die in training exercise, Military says "There was no tea-bagging what so ever".
"Local Courier becomes invincible, Legion member claims after he witnessed mass slaughter of HQ."
"Courier and Wonderer meet, World remade in days."


I would have more but I'll let other people say them.