What are the best comebacks you've ever said/heard?

[Graves]

One of the best I recently heard was by the late George Carlin when he was asked to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god:
"I'll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that **** bible"

71 years old and as sharp as a knife...

 

[strangemoose]

when some one says go F*** your self say...
no thanks your mom already did that

 

[Sporky111]

My favorite one was on facebook. A really dramatic girl I know always spams facebook with messages about her jackass boyfriend. She loved him at this particular time and said something like:
"I love the way sends shivers down my spine."

Now understand that our whole community is getting a little tired of it all, and my mom finally comments:

"Just jump in the snow. It gives the same sensation."

Laughed my ass off when I saw that.

 

[AdmanUK]

This was admittedly a bit harsh but I was in no mood to be messed with when this happened

*Chav with skin-head* "Eeeeee lad your hair is disgusting, it's dead long" (Ironically my hair is actually wuite short) Me: "Well you look like a lukemia victim" Chav: "My mum has lukemia!" Me: "Good no more breeding for her then"

 

[Xanadu84]

I know someone whose response to everything is to take a random verb from what the person just said, and say, "Ill *verb* my nuts in your mouth"

For the more surreal route, another person I know says, "Your moms an astronaut". Generally it leads to so much confusion that by the time the ridiculousness registers, its too late.

 

[AdmanUK]

"If you look up stupid in the dictionary there would be a picture of you!"
"Well, I'm not the one looking up stupid in the dictionary. Besides my dictionary doesn't have pictures."

Oi! Robbing from Ed Byrne! Haha I will let you off because it was an excellent quote

 

[Aerodyamic]

A guy at work was bugging me about the cowboy hat I wear to keep the sun off my more-than-red-enough neck, so I asked him if he had anything else to do, because I was too busy to play 'Cowboys and Idiots.'

 

[Thaius]

Back in high school, a friend was playing his guitar, and another guy said, "Hey, looks like you finally got some rhythm!" To which he replied, "Yeah, I picked it up the other day: they were selling it on the street corner next to your mom."

Epic win.

 

[Undedd Jester]

An awesome one from collegehumor in their song we didn't start the flame war

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QyYaPWasos

Superkid: Whos the girl in that pic? I want her to show her tits

-- Tina: So Gross I wonder why girls dont come to this site!

Josh: This picture FTW, I'd bone the girl in it

-- MrBIG: I'd bone your mom

-- Josh: You'd bone your palm

-- Candyman: Oh Snap! Epic Pwnage!

 

[bushwhacker2k]

"You fight like a dairy farmer"
"How appropriate, you fight like a cow"

Yu-gi-oh abridged

A pretty good one I heard on the finale of Angel:

Angel: People like you who don't care about anything will never understand the people who do.
Bad Guy: Yeah but we won't care.

I remember that Good times

 

[Julianking93]

From the show Home Movies(not the exact dialogue but close enough)
*Coach Mcgurk is waiting in line at a grocery store*
Coach Mcgurk:*to guy in front of him*It's says 10 items or less, and you have 24.
Guy: Oh look, you can read.
Coach Mcgurk: Yeah, well apparently you can't.

Gave me a good laugh.

This, along with everything ever said by Coach Mcgurk.

 

[Undedd Jester]

"Hey dude, you gonna come with me to the store?"

"Why? I dont want anything from there, would be really pointless..."

"Like your dick"

^^

 

[crosscountry8]

I have not used this yet but am waiting for the golden opportunity.

Guy: What size is your over the shoulder boulder holder?
Girl: Ask again and you'll need an under the butt nut hut.

 

[ANImaniac89]

I was told that I suck
so I replied "you swallow"

and he was left speechless

 

[Les Awesome]

go f*ck yourself
works every time

 

[skywalkerlion]

Some douchebag said I was gay.
I responded with "that's what she said, until I proved otherwise"
. . .
. . .
It was funny at the time!

I actually thought I was the only one that used that

When I said it everyone was all like "OHHHHHHH"

 

[Horben]

At a beach town, some dude liked what he saw.

"Awww, cute puppy! But I prefer"... uhhh..."cats."
"... liar."

Yeah. I lol'ed.