what is up with this double standard????

[Captain_Fantastic]

ok so here is the deal, i have a very close female friend we get along really well (we are not dating or anything FYI. she's in a long distance thing and im fairly content being single) but in the last few weeks we haven't been hanging out other than the occasional once or twice for a short while,

now I've been texting her and asking her to message me so that we can hang out more often like we used to do but she has been either busy or sick or sore or sleeping or already she has made plans and it sometimes gets to the point where it honestly seems like she is faking it.
now we don't usually hang out with the same groups of friends for various reasons, and from the lack of her ever coming out to do anything i made a few plans to go out and have an active weekend with my current group of friends (i've been through a few once again for various reasons).

i seen her on friday at her workplace and i told her that i was probably going to a party that night and once again i said i would text her later on, so continuing on later that night i get a text from her asking if we could hang out, now at this time i had drank a little bit and i was reasonably tipsy so i didn't notice it at first but i did text her back within the hour saying "well uh im at this party" only to get a " or not bye."

I had not thought much of it then, the next day i made a point to wake up at 11:00 am and texted her to see if she wanted to go for lunch only to get the reply "i have to get ready for work" now she starts work at 4 and i know for sure that it would not take her 5 hours to get ready.

now a few days pass and i get asked whats going on from a mutual friend on Facebook ( i was not in her friend list at the time from a convenient phone malfunction) and i am told of a whole huge status about how she is rethinking prom( i am her current escort) because she doesn't want to take somebody who only has time for "his other friends" and a bunch of other BS. so i explained things to this mutual friend and we agreed that she was probably just upset over something.

one day later and its the same treatment all over again, i mean WTF!!!! what am i supposed to do sit in my room alone waiting for her to want to hang out!! am i supposed to just drop everything just because she decides for once she wants to do something. and the pure ammount of support she got on this status was just sickening. like i am apparently the bad guy here for wanting to have a bit more of a social life.

TL;DR trying to hang out with friend, friend never available, I make other plans, friend gets upset.

honestly any advice or opinions or anything will do. more than anything i just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Jedoro]

Have you told her about how you feel about this? If not, go do that. I can wait.

...

...Not really, so I'll go ahead and add part 2. If she realizes she's doing the double standard and that it's wrong, then you two can work on making up and hanging out. If she's a ***** about it, get rid of her. She has a life, and you have a life. You don't belong to her, and your job isn't to sit around waiting for her to have some free time. If she doesn't accept that, then walk away. No point in being around people who piss you off.

 

[BrassButtons]

Have you tried calling her to discuss things? Texting, while convenient, is not the best way to communicate in a situation like this. It leaves out things like tone, which makes it much easier for the other person to misinterpret you. It's possible that she forgot about your earlier conversation saying you were going to a party, and then read your text as being rude and dismissive. Then when your next text was something other than an apology, she could have gotten angry that you didn't care about her hurt feelings.

 

[applesandoranges]

edit

 

[Johndo]

You need to calmly ask her out on a lunch to discuss what's going on from your view. You explained a lot to us but that doesn't mean jack to her if she doesn't know. She probably has her own reasons for being preoccupied.

If she's a good friend, she'll listen. But if it's to the point that you're pulling hair, than you're putting a lot of effort with a person that is not doing the same. I know you're upset, but if you want to make this friendship continue on you got to control your temper.

And seriously, you make a fluke to be drunk and texting her. She made the effort to want to go out with you and you decide that you would rather stay at the party. But your choice which you want to do.

 

[Galletea]

Call her. Talk to her and ask her what the deal is. She's probably frustrated at her long distance relationship for one thing, and that is going to have an effect on her moods. She most likely hasn't even realised that she was being weird and has found your reaction to be unreasonable. She's probably so wrapped up in her own issues to even realise that you've been a good friend to her. She'll only remember that you weren't there when she felt lonely, despite the fact that you told her where you were going to be. Things are not going to get better between you if you both just keep texting messages loaded with angst to each other. Talk to her and work it out.

 

[Captain_Fantastic]

well so you all know, i have spoken with her in person (not specifically about the above topic mind you) and she has said she is over what happened on friday,

BUT now its the same thing all over again, we had lunch planned for one day then i got a call at about 11:30 and she told me she couldn't make lunch because she was having some "girl time" with her cousin, "OK well thats a regular thing to do" I think to myself. So we reschedule for dinner instead,so 4:00 rolls around and her facebook status reads something along the lines of "feeling tired going to go sleep," (a facebook status, nothing directed at me in any way, i only got a text from her after she woke up and responded to mine.) so I sat at home and ate dinner with my family.

now we have seen each other a few times in public as well and each time she was in a hurry to leave. and for the last two days she has felt sick, now being sick is something nobody can help BUT feeling sick/sore at LEAST once every few days when doctors cannot find a single thing wrong and pain meds have no effect, sounds a teeny bit fishy.

now im not going to just throw her to the curb because we are very close friends when this bs isn't being pulled, we have helped each other through some rough times. also because i am living in a small town good friends are few and far between and i've already lost a good few

so basically i just wanted a little bit of evidence that I do try but bs like this makes it hard just in case she becomes upset with me over something similiar again.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well that is some hefty teen drama...
Best thing you can really do is not hang onto her dramatic performance, doesn't seem to me like you owe her anything so go about your business and if she cares to drop the act and join you at some point in time then so be it.

And stop obsessing over peoples "statuses", just step back, take a breath and do your own things while others figure what they want.

 

[Captain_Fantastic]

Well that is some hefty teen drama...
Best thing you can really do is not hang onto her dramatic performance, doesn't seem to me like you owe her anything so go about your business and if she cares to drop the act and join you at some point in time then so be it.

And stop obsessing over peoples "statuses", just step back, take a breath and do your own things while others figure what they want.

well though technically we are both still in the "teen" years both of us are of legal drinking age where we live. and what you described is basically what i was doing, but thats where this problem starts.

also the main reason i was upset at the "status" is because instead of actually informing me that the plans WE had made were cancelled she decided to put it on facebook instead.

 

[Smooth Operator]

and what you described is basically what i was doing, but thats where this problem starts.

also the main reason i was upset at the "status" is because instead of actually informing me that the plans WE had made were cancelled she decided to put it on facebook instead.

Well then you need to stand your ground even firmer, because the moment you play into her drama she can prolong it.
i.e. Ignore her statuses outright, force her to use proper communication or she just gets ignored.

It's a simple stick and carrot system, when people behave badly you ignore them and when they behave correctly they earn your attention.

 

[Quaidis]

Take a breather and step away. Hang out with your other friends instead of thinking on it. Once in a while ask her if she'd like to go do something. If she ditches, brush it off and go do something else with another friend. Don't obsess over it.

She may be having issues with her own life that's affecting her social performance. I see that sort of thing happen a ton with all sorts of people. When she's ready to hang, she'll come forward.

And there are large details missing from this. Her side of things, for example. For all we know you could be smothering her every other minute with texts - to the point that she may start to feel anxious around you. That's why standing back and resuming your own life instead of pandering to her schedule is the best solution.

 

[Captain_Fantastic]

Take a breather and step away. Hang out with your other friends instead of thinking on it. Once in a while ask her if she'd like to go do something. If she ditches, brush it off and go do something else with another friend. Don't obsess over it.

And there are large details missing from this. Her side of things, for example. For all we know you could be smothering her every other minute with texts - to the point that she may start to feel anxious around you. That's why standing back and resuming your own life instead of pandering to her schedule is the best solution.

well that has pretty much been what i have been doing, but again that is where the problem starts i hang out with other friends and be out and about, but then she became upset at me for being too busy with them while she wanted to hang out. just last night i thought i would make time for her(leaving said other friends early) when she mentioned something earlier about hanging out after she got off from work(midnight) only to get upset at being texted by players who have used and tried using her(guys i specifically warned her to stay away from mind you) and going directly home. needless to say the night continued as originally planned and it was pretty good.

and yeah i am not really sure of her exact side, other than being apparently sick/sore every few days,
falling way too easily for "players" even when their motives are obvious and the guys have a known history of using girls for sex(small town, word gets around quickly). in fact we had a big falling out a few months ago over one of them, basically a guy i was hanging out with asked me if i was banging her and stated she was a "total nympho", I said no, not even three days later they ended up dating. and after a while everything was forgiven between us and a bit later on i was holding her hand in the hospital crying and having a breakdown from just how mentally abusive this guy was to her. then the breakup was final.

she is also having some apparent difficulty with long distance boyfriend she met online somehow and from what ive heard this guy gives me that exact same player vibe but i'm not saying anything because i have never actually met or spoken to the guy, And i can get a bit bitter talking about relationship related topics(i have never had a girlfriend or intimate relationship myself mostly due to the small population and isolation of where i live, and online dating does not cater well to my age group.) though i never let that get in the way of our friendship i just change the topic when its brought up.

she is also kind of dealing with her past group of friends dissolving, similar to the what had happened to me when i had started hanging out with her and some of that remaining group. but she has been starting to hang out with other people and im really happy for her but there are times i can't help but notice how awkward she is at times around some of them.

and i rarely texted her as i knew she would likely be busy so i waited for her to contact me.
but this last week ive texted her close to every day in a roundabout way of trying to prove that i do want to spend time with her but she is often the one who is too busy and not the other way around.

 

[StBishop]

Say this to her: "I feel like whenever I try to make plans with you, you're always busy. It's fine but it does make me a little sad because I'd like to see more of you. I also would appreciate if you could be as understanding when I am unavailable, because although I really like hanging out with you and try to make time for you as much as possible, I can't keep my life on hold and ignore everyone else in my life just in case you're free."

Try say it in the least accusing tone possible.

As far as she's concerned you're being a dick, not her (because that's pretty much how everyone on the planet feels, no one wants to see themselves as the dick). So don't accuse her of anything, and make it very even handed don't place blame on anyone, be open to her side of the story.
I'm not telling you to accept any blame for things which you obviously didn't do, but be aware you both have different perspectives and values, she might find you changing your hair cut without consulting her to be the hight of rudeness or something weird, so be open to the fact that she might be upset about something she hasn't told you about.

'Cause you know, that's exactly what you're doing right now. As far as she knows, she's done nothing wrong.

So go talk to her.

 

[MyFooThurTS]

She wants you. Get in there.

 

[Galletea]

I still say you should call her and talk it out. If you don't, then how is she going to know how you feel about this situation? She might not have a clue about how shitty she is treating you. You need to find out what the deal is, and ask her if she has a problem with you or something you've done, because you deserve to be treated better. Things will not change if she thinks she can walk all over you, or doesn't realise that this is what she is doing. You can't let it continue because she will just get used to it and not see it as wrong. Obviously you should probably use less accusing language and be calm and civil about it, and make it clear that you enjoy spending time with her but feel like she doesn't enjoy your company.

 

[Captain_Fantastic]

Well as an update. FYI I was her prom escort but she cancelled that via text message stating that she owes an explanation but she doesn't want to give one

 

[Kae]

Sorry but I can't really give any good advice. After all I don't make friends with girls because I don't want to put up with the bullshit. Loathe these kind of games that they like to play. Every girl that I have have met is not funny or that interesting. So enough women bashing, back to your problem. Might just want to tell her that your not in the mood for this kind of shit and she needs to stop being a ditz. Almost have nothing to lose by laying it all out on the line. Not going to be friends with you anymore, so be it.

Can I ask what bullshit?
Seriously I have no idea what you are talking about, girls are just like any other friends, you see them you chat, you play games and watch movies together, there really is no bullshit, that depends more on the person and guys can give you even more bullshit sometimes, so what I'm saying is that you're attitude makes no sense or requires some explanation so you don't sound like a crazy person.

OT: Eh... just talk to her, maybe push her buttons a little, well I can't say I've had a similar problem with a female friend, and with guys it usually boils down to a fist fight and after that everything tends to solve itself.